MORE Then What Meets YOUR EYES

   I don't believe in fairy tales, or happy endings. I believe in real life circumstances and at times I believe in faith. My mind is like a bottomless pit that never seems to sleep or turnoff. Its almost as though my mind has a mind of its own if that makes any sense. I live in a community where people can care less about how intelligent or intellectual you are. You're expected to either sell drugs, play ball, be a father or be in prison for the rest of your life. I look outside and see babies having babies and children younger then I am pushing strollers. I head to the store and see people use their welfare cards to purchase things, because they can't even afford enough just to get by. Females I thought were sexy when I was younger, and never gave me the time or the day now push strollers of babies who can barely even speak; I look at their stomachs and now they're expecting another one.

   Each and every time I walk outside I see the same people in front of my building selling drugs. Pretending as though they are just hanging out talking about the good old days. What's even crazier is the kids look up to these people like a hero. It's unfortunate when your heroes are individuals who poison the community, with drugs they distribute to feed their families with. The drug dealers then say they sell because they've been locked up so many times, they can't even get a good job because no one will hire a convicted felon. Seems like everyone doesn't really want to be where they are, but have to do what's necessary. This is what MY community consists of, but I'm wrong to want to leave it? I refuse to be just another statistic. A poor black boy who's father left him, so he blames the world for all his mistakes. Not taking the responsibility for his own actions, because he wasn't bold enough to face the world head on.

   I refuse to lie and say that I get the same opportunities as everybody because I don't. I can be the smartest, the brightest, even a genius almost, but the fact still remains this world can care less. Jim Crow laws have long been "abolished", but verbally racist individuals will remind me where I stand in the world. Every black boy doesn't want to be a rapper, an athlete or a drug dealer. Quite a few a of us have dreams and visions of making a difference in the world. To help not only our families and ourselves, but the communities we grew up in. I've never seen myself doing enough just to get by, because that's what people already expect from me. I've been counted out just on the merits of me being a young black male in America. The place where lady liberty resides, and a city that never sleeps.

   Whether people want to come to grips with this fact or not I have two strikes against me already. I'm a male and I'm black. I'm sure as some people read this they're saying to themselves that can't be true, but it is. In the "eyes of America" and almost the world, I'm a disease. A plague that is cancerous to not only the world, but to myself. I'm the black sheep in the bunch and a person who has a high level expectancy to fail. What I'm saying isn't even giving what's truly going on any justice really. Its far more worse then what I'm writing, and even what you can conjure up in your psyche. These are FACTS non the less, and it deeply angers me.

  At the end of the day all I can do is be the best Derrick possible. That's something my mother tells me on a consistent basis. Whether I figure my purpose out today, tomorrow or next week, the fact still remains I'm here to conquer what the world says can't be done...MYSELF! Fighting those internal demons that I'm at odds with constantly. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth or came from a wealthy family, but I'm here. Being more than just a vessel taking up space and oxygen, complaining about things I can change. People often say when life gives you lemons make lemonade, but I would rather sell those lemons and buy more lemonade stands. Whenever you begin to feel sorry for yourself and start giving up I just want you to remember this, Don't follow where the path may lead you. Instead, Go where there is no path, and leave your own trail.

Who Am I?

   I sit here everyday saying to myself what is my purpose in life? I can genuinely say I'm one of those people that has an idea, or at least a small assumption about what it is that I want to accomplish. I just want to live a life where I don't have to worry about just getting by. It's not even about being famous, or known by the world. Honestly all I want to do is matter, and have someone say I gave it my very all. I always hear people over use the phrase "it's not what you know, it's who you know". Well how about knowing people who know people that can genuinely change your life, but don't care how far you'll go because it isn't beneficial to them? Sometimes it isn't enough to know people, it's about making your OWN mark in the world. Being able to look in the mirror, and say to the person in it how proud you are of them. I would much rather create my own path however long it takes me, then accept a "handout" from any individual.

  I'm sure someone probably disagrees with this thought process, but it's a method to my madness. When you do something yourself you feel a certain high, its like you moved a mountain that couldn't be budged. It's as though you accomplished what couldn't be done, or at least what people told you couldn't be. Now when someone is "helping you out" you feel like you owe them something. Even if that person swears up and down that they've "got you", remember NOBODY does something for nothing. Now I know a few people who genuinely help other because they like to see others progress. However, everyone won't take on this selfless act. People are fickle, they're like a jealous child that wants to be the favorite. Most people don't want to see you do better then they are. They would much rather see you fail unfortunately.

   Maybe I'm being pessimistic, or maybe I'm just speaking from my own experiences from the short twenty-three years I've been living. Either way you take it that's just how I see it. Imagine how I feel seeing my peers who appear to be doing better than I am. Having conversations with individuals who I went to school with telling me all they're accomplishing, while I seem to stay the same. These people aren't wealthy or even famous, but it's like they have it all. I use that in a figurative sense not a literal, but it's as though they are almost at their peak. I try my hardest to be successful, but its like God is telling me it isn't my time just yet. Then the people around me seem to continue to become even larger then life almost, or maybe that's just my over active imagination.

  I feel like I'm at the brink in life where every move I make can mold me or fold me. If I could be honest I think I'm fearful of success, because I'm worried about people changing around me. I don't want people who I care about to view me in the manner where I'm almost "larger than life". I genuinely see myself as regular Derrick, nothing special or unique. What I do know is my heart is always in the right place and I believe in those around me. I just want EVERYBODY to be the best they could possibly be for themselves. Enjoying their lives and being whole people in this unforgiving world. Being able to make the mark, and reaching unheard pinnacles others said couldn't be done. That's all I sincerely want for those around me, but do they want the same?

   Questions like that go through my head often. I can admit I over think a lot, sometimes I even look to deep into situations; however that's what makes me who I am. I feel like for a long time now I'm comfortable in my own skin, I accept the man in the mirror looking back at me, and I smile. I didn't conform myself to fit anyone else's persona, I stuck to my own beliefs. I feel if more people did this they would have a huge weight lifted off them. God only knows what's next for me in this ever changing universe I'm blessed to be apart of. I may not know everything, but what I do know is time waits for no man. I'm not saying success should be rushed, or strike while the iron is hot. All those cliches never worked for me honestly.

  What I will say is prayer, hard work, dedication and awhole lot of tenacity can make you do ANYTHING...if you just BELIEVE that it can. Life is a never ending rollercoaster, it has ups & it definitely has its downs too, but feeling sorry for yourself won't change your present situation. Albert Einstein said it best when he said "in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." So with that being said why not start today!