MORE Then What Meets YOUR EYES

   I don't believe in fairy tales, or happy endings. I believe in real life circumstances and at times I believe in faith. My mind is like a bottomless pit that never seems to sleep or turnoff. Its almost as though my mind has a mind of its own if that makes any sense. I live in a community where people can care less about how intelligent or intellectual you are. You're expected to either sell drugs, play ball, be a father or be in prison for the rest of your life. I look outside and see babies having babies and children younger then I am pushing strollers. I head to the store and see people use their welfare cards to purchase things, because they can't even afford enough just to get by. Females I thought were sexy when I was younger, and never gave me the time or the day now push strollers of babies who can barely even speak; I look at their stomachs and now they're expecting another one.

   Each and every time I walk outside I see the same people in front of my building selling drugs. Pretending as though they are just hanging out talking about the good old days. What's even crazier is the kids look up to these people like a hero. It's unfortunate when your heroes are individuals who poison the community, with drugs they distribute to feed their families with. The drug dealers then say they sell because they've been locked up so many times, they can't even get a good job because no one will hire a convicted felon. Seems like everyone doesn't really want to be where they are, but have to do what's necessary. This is what MY community consists of, but I'm wrong to want to leave it? I refuse to be just another statistic. A poor black boy who's father left him, so he blames the world for all his mistakes. Not taking the responsibility for his own actions, because he wasn't bold enough to face the world head on.

   I refuse to lie and say that I get the same opportunities as everybody because I don't. I can be the smartest, the brightest, even a genius almost, but the fact still remains this world can care less. Jim Crow laws have long been "abolished", but verbally racist individuals will remind me where I stand in the world. Every black boy doesn't want to be a rapper, an athlete or a drug dealer. Quite a few a of us have dreams and visions of making a difference in the world. To help not only our families and ourselves, but the communities we grew up in. I've never seen myself doing enough just to get by, because that's what people already expect from me. I've been counted out just on the merits of me being a young black male in America. The place where lady liberty resides, and a city that never sleeps.

   Whether people want to come to grips with this fact or not I have two strikes against me already. I'm a male and I'm black. I'm sure as some people read this they're saying to themselves that can't be true, but it is. In the "eyes of America" and almost the world, I'm a disease. A plague that is cancerous to not only the world, but to myself. I'm the black sheep in the bunch and a person who has a high level expectancy to fail. What I'm saying isn't even giving what's truly going on any justice really. Its far more worse then what I'm writing, and even what you can conjure up in your psyche. These are FACTS non the less, and it deeply angers me.

  At the end of the day all I can do is be the best Derrick possible. That's something my mother tells me on a consistent basis. Whether I figure my purpose out today, tomorrow or next week, the fact still remains I'm here to conquer what the world says can't be done...MYSELF! Fighting those internal demons that I'm at odds with constantly. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth or came from a wealthy family, but I'm here. Being more than just a vessel taking up space and oxygen, complaining about things I can change. People often say when life gives you lemons make lemonade, but I would rather sell those lemons and buy more lemonade stands. Whenever you begin to feel sorry for yourself and start giving up I just want you to remember this, Don't follow where the path may lead you. Instead, Go where there is no path, and leave your own trail.

Who Am I?

   I sit here everyday saying to myself what is my purpose in life? I can genuinely say I'm one of those people that has an idea, or at least a small assumption about what it is that I want to accomplish. I just want to live a life where I don't have to worry about just getting by. It's not even about being famous, or known by the world. Honestly all I want to do is matter, and have someone say I gave it my very all. I always hear people over use the phrase "it's not what you know, it's who you know". Well how about knowing people who know people that can genuinely change your life, but don't care how far you'll go because it isn't beneficial to them? Sometimes it isn't enough to know people, it's about making your OWN mark in the world. Being able to look in the mirror, and say to the person in it how proud you are of them. I would much rather create my own path however long it takes me, then accept a "handout" from any individual.

  I'm sure someone probably disagrees with this thought process, but it's a method to my madness. When you do something yourself you feel a certain high, its like you moved a mountain that couldn't be budged. It's as though you accomplished what couldn't be done, or at least what people told you couldn't be. Now when someone is "helping you out" you feel like you owe them something. Even if that person swears up and down that they've "got you", remember NOBODY does something for nothing. Now I know a few people who genuinely help other because they like to see others progress. However, everyone won't take on this selfless act. People are fickle, they're like a jealous child that wants to be the favorite. Most people don't want to see you do better then they are. They would much rather see you fail unfortunately.

   Maybe I'm being pessimistic, or maybe I'm just speaking from my own experiences from the short twenty-three years I've been living. Either way you take it that's just how I see it. Imagine how I feel seeing my peers who appear to be doing better than I am. Having conversations with individuals who I went to school with telling me all they're accomplishing, while I seem to stay the same. These people aren't wealthy or even famous, but it's like they have it all. I use that in a figurative sense not a literal, but it's as though they are almost at their peak. I try my hardest to be successful, but its like God is telling me it isn't my time just yet. Then the people around me seem to continue to become even larger then life almost, or maybe that's just my over active imagination.

  I feel like I'm at the brink in life where every move I make can mold me or fold me. If I could be honest I think I'm fearful of success, because I'm worried about people changing around me. I don't want people who I care about to view me in the manner where I'm almost "larger than life". I genuinely see myself as regular Derrick, nothing special or unique. What I do know is my heart is always in the right place and I believe in those around me. I just want EVERYBODY to be the best they could possibly be for themselves. Enjoying their lives and being whole people in this unforgiving world. Being able to make the mark, and reaching unheard pinnacles others said couldn't be done. That's all I sincerely want for those around me, but do they want the same?

   Questions like that go through my head often. I can admit I over think a lot, sometimes I even look to deep into situations; however that's what makes me who I am. I feel like for a long time now I'm comfortable in my own skin, I accept the man in the mirror looking back at me, and I smile. I didn't conform myself to fit anyone else's persona, I stuck to my own beliefs. I feel if more people did this they would have a huge weight lifted off them. God only knows what's next for me in this ever changing universe I'm blessed to be apart of. I may not know everything, but what I do know is time waits for no man. I'm not saying success should be rushed, or strike while the iron is hot. All those cliches never worked for me honestly.

  What I will say is prayer, hard work, dedication and awhole lot of tenacity can make you do ANYTHING...if you just BELIEVE that it can. Life is a never ending rollercoaster, it has ups & it definitely has its downs too, but feeling sorry for yourself won't change your present situation. Albert Einstein said it best when he said "in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." So with that being said why not start today!

Police Code of Conduct: Corruption Perjury & Racism

    Courtesy, Professionalism & Respect is the slogan that the New York City Police Department uses, they also have this on the side of every police car in the City. What most people don't know unless you're extremely close to me is my Father was & still is a Police Officer. He has been one since I was little, and I never heard him talk about anything he ever experienced on the "Beat" as most officers call it. He was always nonverbal about what he saw and what he did while he was on the street putting the "Bad Boys" away. I didn't realize that when I got older, what I was going to learn quickly about the police was something my Father would never be able to prepare me for. This was going to be what I see as my induction into the real world, and the biggest gangsters around weren't the Bloods, Crips or Drug Dealers I had to worry about; but the Police!

  I would be a liar if I told you I was a big fan of cops, there's nothing positive I can honestly say about them even if I tried my hardest to. I don't have anything against the Police as a whole, but the majority I've come across shoot first and ask questions way later. In my eyes that is the exact opposite of the Courtesy they speak of, or preach of to citizens on a consistent basis. Whenever I see the Police I feel like a criminal not a citizen, and this is coming from a person who doesn't have a criminal record whatsoever. The only time I've actually ever seen the inside of a prison was when I went with a Program called The Blue Nile. We went there to empower all those young men we saw in Rikers Island. We were like a voice of reason and a living testament to those young men there that we are not all doing negative things in our lives. And I'm even more certain that the officers there realized that also. Its unfortunate to see the jails & prisons filled with hopeless individuals who felt like the only means of respect or even love they would get was to do something negative to receive it.

  I won't say that every policemen goes out with the intentions to lock someone up, because that would be unfair as well as bias. What I will say though is they make it very hard for you to believe they come with a certain level of Professionalism, or Respect when they are out to get the "bad guys" they were trained to take in. If on some level I've lost you, what I am saying is those bad guys aren't always really the "bad guys" they are "protecting" people from. Not every person being stopped by the police are criminals; & when I think of a criminal, skin tones or complexions, races or an ethnicity doesn't come to mind. Rather it's something that should NEVER be embedded in the minds of an officer of the Law, and I feel that it definitely is. As hurtful or even bold as that statement may be, I haven't been shown why my opinion is wrong. Especially whenever I do hear something about the police it isn't to protect or serve, but to persecute and sentence.

   About two weeks ago my younger sister shared something with my mother, my other sister and myself that was extremely disturbing. It was a YouTube video of a African American male, in his early to mid 20's being gunned down by the Police in San Francisco California. I'm not sure if the video is still up, but from what I was told it was graphic. The young man was very cooperative and was handcuffed but was still being chastised by the officers. They shot this young man in broad day light in his neck, then left him squirming to death on the pavement as he bled to death. Now if a witness would have never taken this graphic video of that young man being gunned down like an animal, I'm pretty sure those officers would have denied everything. They would have even had the "My word against your word" state of mind.

  What's even more disturbing to me is the fact that situations like this one occur daily. That man's mother now has to make funeral arrangements for her son who was persecuted by the very same people who swore an oath to protect on the day the graduated the Police Academy. What angers me are these people who obviously committed a crime, don't get placed in prison or don't get death row. Instead they get a slap on the wrist and a pat on the back. The murder that would have placed any other individual in prison for the rest of their life, simply didn't apply to the "officers of the Law". Its as though they are almost above the Law in a sense, which definitely doesn't put anyone at ease ANYWHERE I'm sure. How well do you expect mothers to sleep at night knowing that she has to protect her sons from the very same people who swore to protect them? I definitely don't see or want to understand the dynamics of that at all.

    Why must anyone feel like they need protection from the protector? My biggest outrage also comes with the fact that every police officer situation gets swept under the rug like it never happened. Not to get off the topic, but some months back I had a situation with the Police myself. I was in the park real late at night just sitting down listening to my music. I was sad about situations going on in my life at that moment and used that park as an escape from whatever was going on in my life. I don't even remember how long I was sitting there before I saw a police car enter the park. It circled the entire park before it stopped right where I was.
Even now as I write about what happened I'm filled with anger and disgust. The car stops in front of me and an older officer with a younger one comes out behind him. I get flashed with a light and the older officer asks me what I was doing in the park this late and it was closed.

    My answer to him was ok, I didn't know and as I'm walking out he says come here. My first instinctive action was to let him know my father was an officer and my Uncle was a detective. All of a sudden his hostile attitude changed and he was a lot more pleasant. They checked me to see if I had anything on me and the younger partner took my ID to see if I had a criminal history, which couldn't be found because I'm not one or have never been one. The older officer asked me did I know which precinct my father was in and I told him I didn't know because I didn't deal with my father and he wasn't a good one. He looked saddened and said he hoped one day our repore would be better. They told me they were sorry for the inconvenience and they left.

   As much as I hate to admit it I believe I wasn't harassed as much as I would have been because I told them my father was a cop. I guess I was one lucky young black male in American that evening. The only thing I have to say is I don't ever think I'll trust the police in this lifetime. Something drastic has to happen for me to even have an ounce of belief that the Police will ever be people who genuinely care about my well being. Until the Police Departments across America Sincerely have Courtesy, Professionalism and Respect, I will continue to believe they are filled with Corruption, Perjury and Racism. NO ONE is above the Law, and I pray that when God gets to them one day, he has a lot more mercy on their souls then they did with the victims who came across the wrath of a Police officer! Where is the Police code of conduct when you need it?

Beaten But NEVER Broken

   Women are precious; I feel like their value is priceless and can't be compared to the most valuable item in the universe. I was one of those guys that had the privilege to grow up in a household full of them. And though I didn't always agree with what was said all the time, I learned so much from women. I learned how to love, how to be a man, what responsibility was, as well as sacrifice and how to never give up on what you believe in. I'm not saying that men don't matter because I am one also. What I am saying is that women don't get the recognition that they truly deserve. They get overlooked for their countless efforts and tireless acts constantly.

   They have our babies, cook, clean, own businesses, are doctors, lawyers and have even run for The President of the United States. Women have made their marks in history as strong and powerful figures in this society and continue to do so daily. Even with all of this that they do daily for their children, husbands, boyfriends and even their society they endure domestic violence.
Honestly this subject has always disturbed me and made me uncomfortable. I have not come in contact with it myself but have heard stories and witnessed films and read books about it. To me its a very sad and heart wrenching situation to ever hear any woman go through. As over protective as I am it would be unacceptable to know any woman I love and care for to endure such an issue.

  A few months back I came up with a concept called "Beaten But NEVER Broken", that would actually depict images of Domestic Violence. I had a Brooklyn Native By the Name of Bamm the Photographer do the shoot, and my Best Friend Sugar Jones, who is a model to actually be the "vessel" depicting the women abused. My heart was racing and I said to myself what will people think when they see these photographs? Will they like what they even see? Will they judge me and talk about how bad it is? Will people judge the pictures because they're not what most people consider a "normal shoot"? I got myself together and thought, none of that matters because its about the victims!

   Each and every photograph gives a voice to those women who are battered daily. We often look past certain situations because we are too ashamed or afraid to come to grips with them. No female deserves to be abused in any manner or under any circumstance. Just like women are given the precious gift to conceive a child, this world was given the priceless gems we call women; and it is our job to protect and love them not hurt or batter them. The only time a hand should be raised is when you are placing your arms around their waist, holding them tight because of the love you have for them. NONE of us would be here without a woman bringing us into this world, so why would you inflict pain upon her? How could you ever look at yourself in the mirror knowing those tears she sheds are from your abuse?

  This post is for the Mothers, Daughters, Sisters, Nieces, Aunts, Grandmothers, Wives and Girlfriends who have even been domestically abused. I really apologize that you ever had to endure that type of pain that you don't deserve. I don't know you but just know I care for you and pray that you disassociate  from your abuser. To those who do the abusing I hope you always put the face of any female family memeber to the women you are hurting. To remind yourself that she is just as precious as the women in your family. My mother always told me from little to keep my hands and my feet to myself and the same goes for those doing the abusing.

  The only time its worth using your hands and feet on a woman is to place your hands to hold her tight to show her you will always love and protect her. As well as walk with her to the end of the world because she's worth every step you take! Whenever you begin to second guess the importantance of a woman, just ask yourself where would humankind be without her here to conceive it?