Trapped in my own thoughts, wondering if I can ever amount to the expectations set by those around me. Am I man enough for the woman I have? Am I a good son, brother, nephew, father and friend? It's funny because I've seen myself as this great guy; and in many instances I am, but seeking perfection is impossible when there is no such thing. Trying to be everything to everyone is impossible, especially when you try to please everyone. You can go crazy trying to put a smile on the faces of everybody when nobody cares about your own. I ask myself why do I hold onto people who aren't worth holding on to? Honestly it stems from feeling like people gave up on me In my past, and at times in my present; and I'm quite certain in my future people will give up on me as we'll. Frankly that's life; I'm nowhere near being negative either, it's just a fact. I found myself seeking validation from people with more issues then me and even more broken then myself. It's heartwrenching longing for acceptance from individuals that you'll truly NEVER receive from, no matter how great you may be to them.
I wanted certain people in my life even when they hurt me; I thought to myself as long as they were there, I was fine with whatever was done to me. But how is that even a way to live, or even a way to force yourself to live? How can you allow ANYONE to do and say things to you they would NEVER allow you to do to them? When you never come to grips with things and continue to make excuses about situations; and never change them, you're only lying to yourself. At some point even lying to yourself becomes second nature, because in your mind, even if deep down you know it won't change; you believe that person will do something different and treat you the way you treat them. How can you give of yourself so freely and accept undeserved pain? Because of Love? Love is an action, an emotion, a word and phrase; a thought we believe we all know, and a feeling we never want to live without. I can't tell you how many times I've lied to myself knowing I never loved myself the way I should have. Self love is the first love we neglect; we seek love of others instead because we believe without the love of another we are nothing. But how can there be a "We" if YOU don't love yourself wholeheartedly?
When did we get to the point to accept things we know aren't good for us? When did I get to the point of trying to be everything to everyone; trying to save everybody, when I can't even save myself. Why do I hold on? Why should I hold on? The void I try to fill with the longing love and administration from those I care about was unfortunate at times really. I wanted to feel like I was important, that I was needed and desired. It may sound crazy to you but at least I'm honest about that. At least I realize where my actions and thoughts, demeanor and feelings, and persona I gave off stemed from. Who are you to judge? Why should I care what your views of me are? Honestly we seek way too much validation from people who mean us harm. People that should mean nothing to us, but people whom we hold in such high regards and we need not do so. It's embedded in our minds by other people that we NEED to be liked by everybody. That it's important to always be the one that people long for. And even now as I write this and I'm reading it at the same time it makes no damn sense whatsoever. How can you be willing to do whatever it takes for people to accept you, that you lose sight of your own identity? People are so willing to transform every ounce of who they are to themselves to appease others that they are willing to pretend to be someone else to be liked. How can you live that type of life and not find yourself broken? I'm confused about this now but many years earlier I was that person who cared too much about the thoughts of others. It was almost like I was wearing blindfolds everyday of my life; because I was willing to mask my identity that fit who I was, for an identity everyone else thought that I should have. At this point in my life I'm by myself MOST of the time, which was something I've become accustomed to as I've become a man. As a child; up until about nineteen or twenty, I felt like I needed a bunch of people around me. Again feeling like that equated to being important or feeling validated. A plethora of situations definitely showed me that meant nothing. My mother would always say that if I could count on one hand how many people I could expect to be there for me in my life, I was truly blessed. Some situations have strength in numbers, but when it comes to friendships and relationships of all kinds; all that truly matters is who will be there, not how many. That was a truth I had to come to grips with, and I was willing to accept it.
Seems like life goes by so quickly; It feels like yesterday I just turned twenty-five on June 24th, and I ask myself what did I really accomplish? I thought about that even more when an old classmate and I were conversing. He said to me he felt like he needed to go back to school because he didn't really do all he thought he would have accomplished by now. I started to second guess aspects of my life and asked myself a similar question. Everyone has a different walk in life, we don't have to all do the same things to be successful. I feel like God has prepared me to be one of the top CEO's in the world! To be successful and wealthy but never getting beside myself. True success comes from giving back, not just taking. It was always important to me to place myself around people who are ambitious. The type of people that don't just settle for what everyone else believes success is. That person that will do whatever it takes to excel even when everyone else tries to convince them it can't be done. I use to weigh how successful I wasn't to how success I believed everyone else was (at the time) until I realized my walk in life wasn't everyone else's walk in life and vice versa. The problem with MOST people is we worry way too much about how better off everyone else is then we are, when we should use that same keen sense of vision we have on someone else's success; and apply 1000 times as much on our own. Do you really think the billionaires of this world felt like giving up? Of course they did! But what would have happened if they did? GOD only knows, but they didn't; and they kept going even when everyone else said it wasn't going to happen.
Even as I sit here in my room, on my bed in deep thought about my life and all that I have accomplished; I realize that I am still evolving as an individual. I've always taken pride in the fact that I have immense wisdom, intelligence and leadership qualities. I even realize I have the type of personality that is aggressive and I apply myself to the best of my ability to get things done. I even realize that I have immense influence on other people, even if they are what others consider important or those who's authority is higher then my own. Jesus was a man who was a fisherman, he wasn't a King or a senator or a man of "high importance" in the eyes of society at that time; but he was able to do things that seemed impossible by others. I genuinely want whoever is reading this to take a look in the mirror and remind yourself of how great you truly are. That despite how unimportant you may feel or others try to make you feel; you are the most important person in the world, because it's only one of you! That you're unique and different, and those flaws you attack yourself with daily; will be those very same flaws that help other people realize that you're even greater then they wanted to give you credit for. Remember that love of self is the most important love you can have; because when you fall in love with yourself, it will be easier to give love to others. Though it took me quite a few years to finally realize that, I pray my friend that it takes you much sooner to realize importance of SELF LOVE!
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