Distance

Do you trust me? Do you even love me? Are you afraid of what we are or what we may be? See I love you; deeper then the abyss, and I embrace the feelings I feel that I've never felt before...YOU. Sometimes shit hurts, but nothing hurts more then the love you have for someone more then you have for yourself and they don't see it. And not because they can't; but they're not even able to see their own self worth, even if you handed them a mirror. Whoever said that physical pain hurts never has been in love before, and whoever said that in times wounds will heal; has never been so deeply scarred by love, that they're too blind to see that the pain is there even if they had 20/20 vision. How do you know when it's enough? When to call it quits? When to let go no matter how hurtful it is. Money is the root of all evil, but the pain of a broken heart can make even the quietest of mean meaner then Satan. I would give you my soul if you asked for it; the clothes off my Back if you needed it, but all you remember is what I wasn't able to do. How I wasn't there; and not because I didn't want to be, but because I wasn't the one to give you all that pain you hold onto so much. It's funny how feelings can change everything even when you don't want them to. How you're able to be a different person because of the love you have for that "special someone". Am I even someone special to you? And all that you said when you were mad was it true? Is everything that you said you'll do you will do? Life; the single most complicated piece to a bigger picture, we are at times too stupid to realize for our own selfish, self serving reasons. And what are you truly afraid of? To love and to be loved back? Know yourself and self worth, because that's definitely a picture worth a thousand words.....

Love thy neighbor; but Love thyself FIRST!

   Trapped in my own thoughts, wondering if I can ever amount to the expectations set by those around me. Am I man enough for the woman I have? Am I a good son, brother, nephew, father and friend? It's funny because I've seen myself as this great guy; and in many instances I am, but seeking perfection is impossible when there is no such thing. Trying to be everything to everyone is impossible, especially when you try to please everyone. You can go crazy trying to put a smile on the faces of everybody when nobody cares about your own. I ask myself why do I hold onto people who aren't worth holding on to? Honestly it stems from feeling like people gave up on me In my past, and at times in my present; and I'm quite certain in my future people will give up on me as we'll. Frankly that's life; I'm nowhere near being negative either, it's just a fact. I found myself seeking validation from people with more issues then me and even more broken then myself. It's heartwrenching longing for acceptance from individuals that you'll truly NEVER receive from, no matter how great you may be to them.

   I wanted certain people in my life even when they hurt me; I thought to myself as long as they were there, I was fine with whatever was done to me. But how is that even a way to live, or even a way to force yourself to live? How can you allow ANYONE to do and say things to you they would NEVER allow you to do to them? When you never come to grips with things and continue to make excuses about situations; and never change them, you're only lying to yourself. At some point even lying to yourself becomes second nature, because in your mind, even if deep down you know it won't change; you believe that person will do something different and treat you the way you treat them. How can you give of yourself so freely and accept undeserved pain? Because of Love? Love is an action, an emotion, a word and phrase; a thought we believe we all know, and a feeling we never want to live without. I can't tell you how many times I've lied to myself knowing I never loved myself the way I should have. Self love is the first love we neglect; we seek love of others instead because we believe without the love of another we are nothing. But how can there be a "We" if YOU don't love yourself wholeheartedly?

    When did we get to the point to accept things we know aren't good for us? When did I get to the point of trying to be everything to everyone; trying to save everybody, when I can't even save myself. Why do I hold on? Why should I hold on? The void I try to fill with the longing love and administration from those I care about was unfortunate at times really. I wanted to feel like I was important, that I was needed and desired. It may sound crazy to you but at least I'm honest about that. At least I realize where my actions and thoughts, demeanor and feelings, and persona I gave off stemed from. Who are you to judge? Why should I care what your views of me are? Honestly we seek way too much validation from people who mean us harm. People that should mean nothing to us, but people whom we hold in such high regards and we need not do so. It's embedded in our minds by other people that we NEED to be liked by everybody. That it's important to always be the one that people long for. And even now as I write this and I'm reading it at the same time it makes no damn sense whatsoever. How can you be willing to do whatever it takes for people to accept you, that you lose sight of your own identity? People are so willing to transform every ounce of who they are to themselves to appease others that they are willing to pretend to be someone else to be liked. How can you live that type of life and not find yourself broken? I'm confused about this now but many years earlier I was that person who cared too much about the thoughts of others. It was almost like I was wearing blindfolds everyday of my life; because I was willing to mask my identity that fit who I was, for an identity everyone else thought that I should have. At this point in my life I'm by myself MOST of the time, which was something I've become accustomed to as I've become a man. As a child; up until about nineteen or twenty, I felt like I needed a bunch of people around me. Again feeling like that equated to being important or feeling validated. A plethora of situations definitely showed me that meant nothing. My mother would always say that if I could count on one hand how many people I could expect to be there for me in my life, I was truly blessed. Some situations have strength in numbers, but when it comes to friendships and relationships of all kinds; all that truly matters is who will be there, not how many. That was a truth I had to come to grips with, and I was willing to accept it.

    Seems like life goes by so quickly; It feels like yesterday I just turned twenty-five on June 24th, and I ask myself what did I really accomplish? I thought about that even more when an old classmate and I were conversing. He said to me he felt like he needed to go back to school because he didn't really do all he thought he would have accomplished by now. I started to second guess aspects of my life and asked myself a similar question. Everyone has a different walk in life, we don't have to all do the same things to be successful. I feel like God has prepared me to be one of the top CEO's in the world! To be successful and wealthy but never getting beside myself. True success comes from giving back, not just taking. It was always important to me to place myself around people who are ambitious. The type of people that don't just settle for what everyone else believes success is. That person that will do whatever it takes to excel even when everyone else tries to convince them it can't be done. I use to weigh how successful I wasn't to how success I believed everyone else was (at the time) until I realized my walk in life wasn't everyone else's walk in life and vice versa. The problem with MOST people is we worry way too much about how better off everyone else is then we are, when we should use that same keen sense of vision we have on someone else's success; and apply 1000 times as much on our own. Do you really think the billionaires of this world felt like giving up? Of course they did! But what would have happened if they did? GOD only knows, but they didn't; and they kept going even when everyone else said it wasn't going to happen. 

      Even as I sit here in my room, on my bed in deep thought about my life and all that I have accomplished; I realize that I am still evolving as an individual. I've always taken pride in the fact that I have immense wisdom, intelligence and leadership qualities. I even realize I have the type of personality that is aggressive and I apply myself to the best of my ability to get things done. I even realize that I have immense influence on other people, even if they are what others consider important or those who's authority is higher then my own. Jesus was a man who was a fisherman, he wasn't a King or a senator or a man of "high importance" in the eyes of society at that time; but he was able to do things that seemed impossible by others. I genuinely want whoever is reading this to take a look in the mirror and remind yourself of how great you truly are. That despite how unimportant you may feel or others try to make you feel; you are the most important person in the world, because it's only one of you! That you're unique and different, and those flaws you attack yourself with daily; will be those very same flaws that help other people realize that you're even greater then they wanted to give you credit for. Remember that love of self is the most important love you can have; because when you fall in love with yourself, it will be easier to give love to others. Though it took me quite a few years to finally realize that, I pray my friend that it takes you much sooner to realize importance of SELF LOVE!    

Our Imperfect Perfection

Can we just be together forever; grow old and potentially fall in Love? Just let the past be the past and let the bright future we have weed out anything dark. My fear isn't that I'll lose you, but fall so deep for you that not one expression will be able to define my feelings for you. Whenever I look at you I get lost in your eyes. You look back at me and I realize at that moment nothing else matters because I'm with you...Everything I say at this moment is only a reflection of all that I feel for you. I'll let my words be the mirror; showing you those emotions unseen by the naked eye. I promise that I can be the man you trust if you allow me to be. I know I'm not perfect and I honestly don't want to be; but I know we are perfect together. Your smile warms me even when this world gives me the cold shoulder. You listen attentively to what I tell you, lending an ear when I feel like no one else cares. But you; I know you care. I feel like I've known you all my life, like we were two distant lovers in another lifetime. And whether or not you say you Love me, at some point and time I know there is something there. I take you for who you are and not for who you were. Started off as friends yet close to lovers; emotions got involved and our true feelings arose. And I don't want to lose what we have, so before we say or do something we regret let's rewind what happened and move past it. So let's focus on what's going to make what we have last beyond forever. Grow old and have kids and still feel the spark that we had when we crossed paths years earlier. The Good, the bad and ugly; I accept you for who you are and want to potentially Love you for it. If I had to go through all that I have all over again I would; just knowing I'll have the opportunity to have a woman as beautiful, caring and sincere as you are in my life again.