Black Rose, in a Chaotic Wonderland

  I just want to me more, more then I thought I could ever be. Someone that I can be proud of. I take pride in the side that I show the world when I'm facing it. Everyday I feel like I fight to be respected. I'm tested, by my own people because I'm not even Black enough to be Black. I'm tested by White people that show me no matter how much my hue may be "light" I'll never be good enough to be white. And honestly I don't want be, you see because the king in me is Proud to be Black, and would not change it no matter how ugly the world makes me feel  for being it. 

  I am the Richest; Most Powerful, Influential Man the world has ever known. And the reason why the rest of this world hasn't seen it yet is because deep down I feel like I'll fail. And not because I will;  and not because I have, but because I realize that it's bigger then just me. I believe for those who are afraid to believe in something. I carry the burden of a Billion lashed Slaves who saw this day coming; when I could write freely and not worry about the consequences of wanting to be free, in a world where corruption wants me to be a mental slave. And though I have no shackles, I'm still just another nigger in the eyes of the world. That is my truth whether you believe it or not, and the news shows how much of an endangered species I'm becoming.

  How I can be gunned down by someone that my tax dollars pays for to "keep the peace". But how is it peace when I can't even just be...Be a man that just wants the best for himself and his family. Be a Man that enjoys his life; that has a future wife, and some kids that he loves and loves him back dearly. I just want to be the father to children, that love them more then my own father loved me. I want to be the grandfather my grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be proud of. Where I earned the right to be the example of what the world is really scared of about Black men...OUR GREATNESS! 

  I don't want to just be great for me, but for them. Do you know how hard it is to live in a world where people steal from you, steal your culture and then rename it and make it their own? For people to want the perks of being Black; but Black Lives only matter when it's taking their money to help people build homes, and properties and lands that they won't even be able to afford, because the system is intentionally rigged to make them fail? My soul cries seeing how the judicial system is only big business to keep Black Men as modern day slaves. Having us all in shackles; touching family through a two sided glass, knowing you may never see them again. Putting us in communities that the people in power have intentionally made difficult for Black People to excel in. Then mark us as criminals when we sell drugs to our community, but they're the ones who put it there in the first place. It's funny how people always say "lady justice" but always forget about the fact that that scale was NEVER meant to be in OUR favor to begin with. 

  Where's the justice when there are little girls and boys barely out of elementary school being slaughtered just for being Black? Where is that justice when Black Women; who are the most powerful beings GOD has ever blessed us with, are being assassinated by the police in custody for crimes they didn't even commit? Where is the justice when Black men are put in prison for most of their lives, only to later find out he never committed the crime in the first place? I ask; where is the justice when a young white male can rape a girl, get only less then 3 months in prison, then still get time served because "prison would be too harsh for him"? 

  Yet this world has the audacity to say "ALL MEN CREATED EQUALLY"? Equal how? You mean 3/5th of a man equal? You mean Jim Crow and Rockerfeller Drug Law equal? You mean clutch your purse when you see me equal? I have yet to benefit from any type of reparation; yet everyone else who isn't Black has received one, yet I'm equal? It's sad when you have to have "the talk" with your children, and the conversation has everything to do with survival and not being murdered by the police. How can you ever make me feel equal when most of the people being murdered are Black Men, Women and even our children?  It hurts, and that pain runs deeper then the abyss. These are the thoughts I have in my head; the constant battle of the brain, yet I STILL BELIEVE! 

   I believe for those ancestors of my past who paved the way for me. Believe for the future me that knows that he has to believe, because who else will believe in US if WE don't?  I'm not just some nigger; I'm a man, more then 3/5th of one. I'm the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm the brighter future in the midst of all the chaos. I am the success story when the world tried to write me off. And I WILL SUCCEED; because I believe my purpose is far beyond riches and wealth, but the preservation of a future many slaves fought so hard for me to have. I owe it to them and to myself, because I don't have the luxury to quit. Believe even no one else believes, then achieving will be the easy part....

(BELIEVE) (IN) (YOU)R DREAMS!

     This is just something to encourage those that need it. For the people that have lost all hope for each and everything in their lives. This is for the people who dream big, and feel like things aren't coming along the way they wanted them to. Lets be honest, life can be VERY hard and difficult to get through sometimes. Of course you're alive and people tell you not to complain because things could always be worse, but that doesn't erase the fact that you want things to change. It doesn't change the fact that you may feel like things will never work in your favor, and you're just tired of failures and disappointments. You're feeling alone, and in your mind there is no one that is going through what you are. 

     I'm here to say that there is a host of individuals out in this world dealing with the same issues you may be going through. As big as this world is someone at this very moment wants change, and what you may not realize is their situation is much more difficult then your own. Now this doesn't negate how you feel, or mean you don't have the right to be frustrated or upset. I'm just saying keep moving forward and trying your very best, no matter how you're feeling or what everyone else thinks. The people we admire the most or aspire to be like, didn't get to where they are by feeling sorry for themselves, or give into a defeated mentality. They gave every inch of their very being until they couldn't give anymore.

      Life was never meant to be easy, if it was then there would be no such thing as success stories. We couldn't inspire anyone else to be better, because we would all have everything in our lives together. But since that's definitely not the case; it's your job to not only keep trying, but to encourage yourself. Appreciate who you see in the mirror, love them, and support them even when no one else will. I guarantee that once you do that internally, externally you'll pour out what you believe. Success wasn't built overnight, so don't expect it to happen that way. Instead keep trying, even when you're worried and want to give in. Just believe in your dreams, and everyone else will follow suit and believe in them also. Remember there is no such thing as a loser, there is only such a person who lost momentarily to go back and win the next time.

THE BLACK SON RISE

   Who do I go to when I have my moments of being vulnerable? Feeling like things aren't sorting out the way I want them to, even when I pray and attempt to be as optimistic as possible. I already know that life isn't always smiles and giggles, but it has to be way more then what I'm getting now. I look at people around me who do nothing but evil and they get EVERYTHING. It appears like they live a carefree life full of happiness and prosperity while I seem to work hard for nothing. I honestly want to give up constantly because it seems like there's just no use in trying. The more trying I endeavor to do it seems like I fall deeper into my own abyss of sorrows and pain. I have the option to either keep on trying or just give up right then and there. But is giving up the easier part or is it the part of sticking with it the hardest?

   Most people will NEVER understand how it feels to be a Black Male in America unless you are one already. It doesn't matter whether you're successful, or not. When people see you you're already placed in a box of failure, drugs, violence, incarceration or being a dead beat father. What's even more sad is the fact that all of these situations have plagued the African American community seemingly forever. You turn on the television, read it in news paper, even by word of mouth you hear something about someone you know having been apart of each situation. It saddens me to know that people give up on black males like there's just no hope for US. 

   Then again, just because you have fallen deep into any or every one of those situations, it doesn't mean the end. I believe that God places us in certain situations to not only prove we can endure, but to show others it can be done. I believe that individuals find it a lot easier to judge and categorize people instead of giving them a sense of hope. A part of me doesn't believe that black males who face those issues constantly want to be where they are. I believe fear and even settling causes them to be where they are, but it isn't anyone else's place to judge. The reason I can express it the way that I have is because I am a Black Man, and I feel like God has the FINAL say in where anyone winds up going in life. Society has no right to give anyone an eternal mark, but they do it anyway.

    I think that after awhile it's human nature to judge people. It becomes the very fabric of an individuals being sometimes. However, statistics don't automatically mean failure unless you take it on internally. We have the capability to change ANYTHING if we believe within ourselves it can be changed. People should base individuals individually but they don't, and why is that? I believe; because deep down inside, they themselves are facing their own demons they constantly battle. Life is an ever changing situation, which means that people can change also. 

   Just like there are failures, there are situations of success and triumphs. I believe you have to dig deep within yourself and encourage yourself even if others don't. You MUST face life, and you don't always have to accept things for what they are either. Just as certain as the moon will rise when night falls, there's a chance for a brighter tomorrow. Believe when no one else does and achieve because it's your God given right to do so. There's a reason why God called us sons, because we have just as much power to change this world and rise to the pinnacle as the Sun rises in the morning. 

Quiet Space

It’s interesting how the people that “Love you” are the ones who hurt you the most. How they cut so deep; to the very core of your being, to the point that they can make you feel like nothing. These are the people who teach you how to be insecure about yourself. The ones who remember all the bad you’ve done but only temporarily speak of your good. These are the people that you call “family” the ones you call “friends” the ones who you would do ANYTHING for even if they treated you bad. As I think about it, we don’t learn about betrayal and heartache & pain from the outside world yet, we learn all of that AFTER we have experienced it in the quiet spaces of our little world within....

The Alien's Enlightenment

My mood heartless; and not because I'm hurt about anything, it's just that I have no need for my heart because my soul is in it, which means I'm already all the way in. The happiness that overwhelms me couldn't change even if you wanted it to. Live, life and love the skin you're in even if others are uncomfortable with their own. Long nights and early mornings that turn into forever, and it feels like an eternity I've been missing. I'm even better then I was before without the need to feel like I need someone to complete me. I was already complete, but it would be nice to have an added bonus. I live carefree like tonight was my last night, and on my bucket list was this happiness I always seemed to seek but never found. Moments like the ones I have now can be repeated every night if I wanted to. I love me and others do too. And not because of the need of love, the love is already there willingly. Nothing forced...it just all comes naturally now. I wake up everyday expecting a new adventure and the universe doesn't disappoint. This is the euphoria that I've been missing? Smiling everyday for no reason at all. Having people appreciate me for me while I uplift myself. I'm the Derrick that I've always said I would be; no I'm not, I'm even more! A constant smile painted on my face permanently and I'm content with that. No muse but it's bound to happen. You don't have to understand me; because I finally understand who I am, and who I'm destined to be will be even more then what I anticipated, and expected to be. I did that without feeling the need to seek revenge or relating out of hurt to prove that I've moved on to bigger and better things and people. I WAS hurt but I AM NOT ANYMORE! No more sad posts of uncertainty of self worth because I'm more then worth it. My suave and unmatched charming personality; with a combination of a humbled demeanor, intertwined with my intelligence and leadership qualities, has made me realize that I'm a work in progress but I'm evolving. Changing for the RIGHT reasons and not for reassurance from those uncertain of who they themselves are. I'm an Alien, someone that's not like others and I'm content with that. I'm me and I appreciate you, but why not continue to change for the better. Even now I'm smiling as I write this because I feel at peace. I use to feel bad that I was always able to find the good in those that found it so easy to find the bad in me. But you know, sometimes it takes you to relearn who you are. Accept what has happened, Appreciate the lessons you have learned and Ascend above the status quo of those that put you in a box. How can you listen to those who are too afraid to believe to go after what they believe if they don't even believe in themselves? Which is why I continue to believe....

The flower you threw away

My bed use to feel empty because I was empty without you there. 

I remember when I wouldn't even lay on the left side because you weren't there to share it with me.

My heart use to be filled with a mixture of sadness and hatred when your name was spoken. 

When I see babies even now I think about how we were going to have twins that we lost. 

And when you left me I felt lost, like I didn't know what else to do. 

You were my only friend when I had no one else to confide in.

You were the support that I thought I had when times were rough. 

But then something happened...things began to be different.

Now when I think of you I feel sad for you, not because of what you did but what will happen.

Life has a funny way of changing the roles for people.

I mean even in the bible it say "The first shall be last & the last shall be first".

I've learned over the years that GOD has been preparing me for something bigger then the moments I planned for "US".

The dreams I envisioned of your belly being big while you walked around pregnant with my children and you being my wife. 

Sharing a life with OUR daughter whether she is mine by blood or not.

GOD took you away from me; the family I always wanted of my own, the babies I was ready to have, because in order for me to truly appreciate all those things I had to lose them. 

It's almost like my whole world crumbled; I genuinely wasn't the same for a long time because you weren't there by my side, to love me the way I wanted you to.

I'm a man yes; I mean I'm not suppose to cry right? I'm suppose to not care right? 

But I was hurt, and I cried almost everyday because I missed you and OUR daughter whether she was biologically mine or not. 

I was lonely and lonesome but I never lost hope in myself.

Ive learned to love me with every fiber of my being, the same way I poured my love into you and your child.

I've always been the type of man that fears only GOD himself, another man that breathes like I do sparks not one ounce of fear into me, because why should he?

But I feared losing your love and you showed me that you didn't love me the same.

I can admit I could have done better in many instances, but the good I gave should have outweighed any bad I did.

I mean relationships have ups and downs; trials and tribulations, but the love should never leave because mistakes were made.

I can truly say that I've never loved another woman the same way I loved you. 

My actions proved that when I gave you babies that GOD took from us; but whether you believe that or not, just know that me being with you was never a game to me...it was VERY REAL.

Well now that I know what love feels like I can thank GOD he at least allowed that to happen.

My mission to be a billionaire is literally happening in less then ten years, and me being a millionaire WILL happen this year like I said it would.

Though you left me I want to thank you, you showed me that you would do something to me I would have NEVER done to you.

You showed me what I don't want a woman to do to me because things aren't going too well momentarily.

I could never hate you and I would never wish you any harm, I truly wish you the very best in life.

I partly want to thank you for leaving me; because I believe in me even more then I ever did, the way I wanted you to be there to believe in me, the way I've always believed in you.

I'm not bitter whatsoever, I honestly feel like I'm better now.

I didn't even have to go to therapy like I was going to do, I just stopped doing what I use to.

One thing I'll always do is believe in myself even if nobody else believes in me.

I will always love and do for me even if no one else does, because I've got a legacy to leave.

It's bigger then just today and tomorrow, it's about shaping and changing the world forever.

I truly have love for you and partly my heart hurts because of you, but I don't blame you. 

"Time doesn't move back it moves forward, you can't run away from the pain run towards it".

Jay-Z said it best because that's truly how I've learned to deal with my life. 

I truly hope that you get the happiness you deserve and you get the love, life & family I did want with you, even if with someone else. 

I was never taught how to be a man or to love a woman the right way because I didn't have a man there to even show me, but Lord knows I did try my very best to.

I'm sure that the love and family; wife and kids I do desire is out there for me, but for now I'll just continue to strive for the pinnacle.

I can truly say that this year and the years to come are looking very bright for me, and I'm proud of the man I've become and continue to strive to be.

"GROW THROUGH WHAT YOU GO THROUGH"; because even when a flower wants to grow, it can still grow through concrete. 

Persistent Men Excel...So believe in you even if no one else does!

Don't be fooled, just keep on reading

       I just want to be everything to you, but I can't be everything to everyone. My heart is big; but It's not something that everyone has the pleasure of having. I know that I will fuck up, say things, do things; maybe even make you cry, but I'm worth it. I'm not perfect but I make life worth it. I have a heart that's big as the tallest building but my love isn't as deep as the abyss. I can't be everything to everyone because I'm only ONE person. We tend to always talk about the women in our lives who give and do so much, and I genuinely commend them. But what about the good men out there that seemingly get overlooked? What about the Fathers, brothers, sons, boyfriends and husbands that handle their business in any and every scenario possible? It's always been interesting to me to see women take the opportunity on social media to commend seeing posts and pictures that express how men should cater to their needs and be available to do any and everything that their hearts desires. That all men are dogs and a man should be proud to have her because she's "a blessing from above" . Well here is a post that will give anyone (specifically speaking to women right now) who believe this way of thinking applies in all situations will wind up alone; or better yet, stay alone. A relationship is all about GIVE and TAKE, not just giving or not just taking. It's about a significant level of balance on both ends of the spectrum. Now I am a man that was raised by strong women his entire life. So I for one know far too well what a strong, independent black woman looks like. My mother, grandmother, sisters and Aunts deserve the world and so much more because they did and still do so much. 

       I would never let anyone disrespect or treat them less then great because they are great women; but the way we were all raised, we were taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. To listen, communicate and respect the way Inwhich we expect others to do for us. Frankly I feel women want to talk and never listen, to express but not want to be expressed to and they want you to show them emotions but tell you that you're way too sensitive when you express you are being mistreated by them. I can admit that women get the short end of the stick in quite a few scenarios; however, that doesn't justify the fact that you should cater to your man if you want to be catered to. Now I am not talking about the women catering to a man who does nothing for you emotionally, mentally or physically. That's not a real relationship and not only is it unhealthy; but it will lead to resentment and hatred and cause cheating, and I don't condone that behavior no matter who's doing it. Your love life won't always be filled with kisses and hugs, and honestly it's not suppose to be. But there should be more moments of happiness and smiles then anything else. I can only speak for myself when I say this; I don't expect my significant other to do for me what I do for her every time I do something for her, but I do expect her to do for me the way I do for her. What I mean by that is if I give 100% I expect 100% in return. I've always hated hearing when people say "relationships are based off both giving 50/50". My response right after I hear that is "if both people give 50% then really we're only giving half of what we should in that relationship". 

       People don't realize that it's truly power in words! That what you say to someone can make or break that person. It can alter the very fiber of who they are forever. My mother often told my two sisters and I as children; even now as adults, that it's not what you say it's how you say things. My mother also has told us that sorry doesn't always make situations better; and I'll add on to that by saying, at times the damage has already been done once you spew out that unnecessary hatred you may feel temporaryly. In the heat of the moment we ALL say things we may not mean or fully mean, but it doesn't justify saying it because you're upset at that moment. In that moment you can say something that cuts so deep that person you knew may be someone totally different. It's power in the tongue; and if you have read the bible, clearly it expresses that often throughout passages in the bible. 

       I will say this though; love is a constant battle, and I don't mean arguing or fighting, but a constant changing agent. A union between two people who love one another and will do whatever it takes to preserve what they have. Sometimes in life we tend to take one another for granted. You become so use to having that person around that you become content. Honestly I feel like you get so content that you forgot about that moment you two fell in love. You forgot about how you use to have butterflies every time you heard their name or whenever you saw them. You get so deep into everything that you want and expect to have, allowing yourself to overlook what's right in front of you. When did "WE" turn into "ME"? You've got to swallow your pride and realize that what you have is worth more then the most expensive artifact in the world. I speak from experience when I say that you must adore and appreciate the the little things in life. Don't be so wrapped up in trying to gain the world and lose sight of the ones you hold dear in YOUR OWN WORLD! 

      As a man its human nature for us to be hesitant to be the bigger person and apologize; even if to a certain degree we didn't do something wrong, and it was you that did it. Just don't make it worse by making us feel more bad then we already do. As my sister Autumn has told me; "be graceful when you're right", it's really no reason to make a bad situation. Communication, Respect and Honesty are the three key components in a relationship that seem to get overlooked by people. The deciding factor to me is who can be the bigger person and say they apologize? When you love someone you love them for who they are and not what you can gain from them. It is so rare to have people love each other for no other reason but for the reason of love. It seems to me like people of my generation hold so much emphasis on gaining something because of fear of losing everything. Seeing it happen to their parent or friends or even themselves. It's almost like you're expecting so much because you're fearful that that person will give you nothing back. But like pookie (my mrs) always tells me; "you've got to give for all the right reasons, because people won't always give you back what you've given to them". Frankly she's right! When you cater to or give your loved one something; do it because you want to reassure them of your love for them, and not a ego booster. If I've lost you for a split second; what I mean is don't do anything so you can throw it up later, making it seem like you're so great. You really may be, but do it because you just want to see your loved one happy!

     I know that Eva (my mrs) loves me and there's no one that can express otherwise to me. I've taken her for granted in a lot of instances. She's been the ONLY woman in my life that I've been in a committed relationship with that has loved me for ME! Not for what she can gain or what I can give her, but for me. I remember when I lost my job from a company that let me go due to racism. I felt less then a man because I was use to being a man who provides and she continued to stay with me. That was at the beginning of our relationship; which was a testament to me, which made me realize that she wasn't into me because I was making a lot of money but for the fact I made her laugh and smile. Happiness is key and without it you can lose yourself or maybe even those who mean the world to you. I remember when I would say "I don't want to gain the world, I just want to matter in it". Frankly I still do; but if I don't have the love from my pookie and my daughter and my mother and sisters, fuck everything else! What I do know is I have NEVER loved and will NEVER love another woman the way I love MY pookie bear! Her love is boundless and no one can tell me otherwise. You know who was always there and who never really was there when you are at your lowest. 

        I do hope that I have given someone the opportunity to realize what they have and cherish it, because life has a way of taking away who or what you take for granted. Cater to the ones you love and give of yourself continuously! With us losing twins due to doctor malpractice, dealing with losing family members and a slew of other craziness her love still remains. With love like that I see why I've had to endure so much to get who I'm blessed to have! Hard times build strong people, we endure much to acquire much in the end. Be scared to lose the ones you love because they mean that much to you. NEVER take people for granted especially when you love them...

Distance

Do you trust me? Do you even love me? Are you afraid of what we are or what we may be? See I love you; deeper then the abyss, and I embrace the feelings I feel that I've never felt before...YOU. Sometimes shit hurts, but nothing hurts more then the love you have for someone more then you have for yourself and they don't see it. And not because they can't; but they're not even able to see their own self worth, even if you handed them a mirror. Whoever said that physical pain hurts never has been in love before, and whoever said that in times wounds will heal; has never been so deeply scarred by love, that they're too blind to see that the pain is there even if they had 20/20 vision. How do you know when it's enough? When to call it quits? When to let go no matter how hurtful it is. Money is the root of all evil, but the pain of a broken heart can make even the quietest of mean meaner then Satan. I would give you my soul if you asked for it; the clothes off my Back if you needed it, but all you remember is what I wasn't able to do. How I wasn't there; and not because I didn't want to be, but because I wasn't the one to give you all that pain you hold onto so much. It's funny how feelings can change everything even when you don't want them to. How you're able to be a different person because of the love you have for that "special someone". Am I even someone special to you? And all that you said when you were mad was it true? Is everything that you said you'll do you will do? Life; the single most complicated piece to a bigger picture, we are at times too stupid to realize for our own selfish, self serving reasons. And what are you truly afraid of? To love and to be loved back? Know yourself and self worth, because that's definitely a picture worth a thousand words.....

Thank you for your Mistakes

       Everyday that I wake up I find myself trying to figure out what it is that I am destined to do. I have a great relationship; my mother and I get along with one another so much better then we use to, I have a great job that I have enough money; to provide for myself, and the family I find myself building. But I'm still unfulfilled because I feel like there's so much more; it's almost like that unfulfilling feeling you get when eat good food but you want more. You ever got to that crossroad in life where you're not exactly where you would like to be but you're right there on the brink of something great? That all that you've hoped, dreamed and desired is right there for the taking? The moment where dreams are no longer thoughts deep within yourself, but actually right there for you to have them formulate into something others said could never happen? The possibilities are only endless when we begin to believe they are; when we put that fearful factor away, and give those dreams we have given life, feet to roam free. I use to hate the person I was; the man I saw in the mirror everyday of my because I didn't believe in my own greatness and potential. I thought I would spend the rest of my life trying to be what others thought that I should be. Then one day; when I was tired of dealing with fear and the opinions of others, I started to do what I wanted to do, and not worry about what others thought I should do. I began to love myself even if no one else would. Then all that I believed I could do, I never gave up on those beliefs; and then...I transformed. I transformed like a caterpillar to a butterfly; a boy to a man, but I genuinely changed for the better. I've realized more and more that things may never happen when you actually want them to; but when they finally happen, they ALWAYS happen whenever you need them to, and it's all for your betterment. 

       I remember when one of my sisters said to me; in one of our many conversations, that she didn't want any man that could not show his emotions. That couldn't cry when he felt pain; that couldn't say that he loved her whenever that's what he felt. Now that I think about it, my father never seemed to express any of that that my sister said she wanted in a man. My father seems to be that missing link in this seemingly complicated puzzle I call my life. I miss my father, and I can genuinely say that mean it this day. I wish I could talk to my father and express to him; man to man, that I am disappointed in his decisions. That I expected him to love me and be there for me just like my mother was and still is. That all that I have learned to be as a man has nothing to do with him, and it's somewhat hurtful. However; If I am to be honest, I am partly the man I am today because of his abandonment of responsibilities as a parent to me. His physical and mental abuse is what strived me to love without any condition and to give of my heart wholeheartedly. I have a Queen that I would never cheat on; that I love with ALL my heart and soul, whom I will grow old with and spend the rest of my life with. We have a little princess that I love; that I teach everyday she is a remarkable individual, that she's smart and precious and I love her no matter what mistakes she finds herself making. My dad never even told me he loved me; he never hugged me or told me I was smart and had much to offer the world and it hurt my soul. I'm not expecting pity or that "awww moment". What I do hope for is if you're this kind of man or woman; stop doing this today. Be the parent to your child that they need you to be. Be their light at the end of their tunnel when all seems dark and hopeless. Love them unconditionally even when they don't love or believe in themselves. Because they can be broken like I was, hateful like I use to be, and go down that path in life that they didn't even have to if you were there to say I LOVE YOU even if they didn't love themselves. 

       I love you dad; even though I feel like you never expressed your love to me. I'm here even if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to believe in you, though you never believed in me. And I genuinely forgive you even though you never forgave yourself for what you did to me. You've got to let what has happened to you go because you will never be able to be the man you we're suppose to be if you don't. You must believe that GOD can fix anything because he has fixed me. And all I have aspired to be is because of your lack of being there. And I don't say any of this because of anger or hurt; I say this because you know I am right, so make your wrongs right by admitting what you're too afraid to admit to yourself, which is you're hurt. That you want to cry and love and give what was never given to you because your father abandoned you too. Forgive your father; because I have forgiven mine already. And I promise I will NEVER make the same mistakes that you did; I will never forget those that mean the world to be like you have, but I will be strong like you are because I am you and you are what I will never be, which is scared to love. But it's not your fault because the one who should have showed you to tie a tie, and love a woman and take care of his family was never there like you weren't there for us. But I want to leave you with this thought though; mistakes man us human, and life won't always be easy, but the decision to right those wrongs will only lead us to change for the better. Not only for ourselves but for those who look up to us. And even when we fuck up and make those mistakes, WE have to make sure we are able to deal with those consequences for our actions. Sometimes Goodbyes aren't always forever; but new beginnings of change can happen when we attempt to create that change. So I chose to be the man you should have been for me, but I thank you for making me realize that even though you were nowhere to be found. I love you dad; and thank you for your mistakes...

The "Portrayal"

I'm trying to balance being a man and the man I want to be and see the future even before it's here. I Don't believe in complacency but I'm comtiplating on the next level you see. The here and now isn't even good enough for me and I don't care who I could have been but more so who I am going to be. Would I sell my soul just to get what I deserve? Balancing life like I'm standing on a tightrope... Praying for hope hoping what I pray for comes into fruition. Banking that the fruits of my labor will be ripe enough to blossom into the prosperity I so long and hope for. I have a girlfriend I love more then my own self, I would bleed the last ounce of my own blood into her veins if that would keep her alive and that's all I had to give her. This love is like a never ending stream of the deepest rivers of the abyss. And when we make love GOD is there watching us as we lose ourselves into each other. Intertwing like a knot to a string forming into a bow. This woman has made me want to be a better man to her and my daughter. And I'm scared I'll never be a good enough father because my father never was to me. Blood doesn't make you blood just like reading the bible doesn't make you a saint. Sometimes sinning is the only way to win; I mean look at those who are rich. And what's crazy is we all long for wealth. And every rich person isn't a sinner and every poor person isn't a saint, and sometimes the wolf is the sheep and life is too deep to even understand. When you pray to a GOD you can't even see and try to understand a religion that's been made up when scientist say that the Big Bang theory created this world and I go to church and the Pastor is preaching Jesus walked on water and died for all our sins, but the sinners seem to be the winners? As confusing and jumbled up these thoughts I have are; they make sense. I'm from a city where there are millions who all have the same wants and desires but have different ways of getting it. We ALL deal with Life & Death; two never ending cycles we can't interrupt. The skin I'm in I want to be able to win in this never ending battle to the top that only a few seem to be able to get to. I believe in me even if you won't...I don't expect sympathy; and at times my pride will get in the way but the heart of a man doesn't always define who he is, because we have to adapt to our situations. Always evolving because only the strong survive? I guess even when my ancestors were forced to be in bondage and chains for the rest of their lives, I seem to be here. Expressing thoughts and visions a slave master hundreds of years earlier said couldn't be uttered becaue he couldn't fathom the fact that he is an albino black man? That his skin is only as light as it is because he had to adapt to the cold climate thousands of years earlier? And what I speak of is far from racist but rather a truth too hard to understand to that slave master; so he beats it out of you because he can't put his finger around how he can torment you everyday GOD allows the sun to shine, and you continue to keep your head held high even if your body is broken. I am the direct descendant of KINGS & QUEENS who built pyramids that people said couldn't be made; so they said aliens built them. I share a bloodline to the creators of Math and science, engineers, scholars and authors and individuals of substance. At the end of the day wherever my mind roams off to I remember that I'm not just a man trying to make it; but I am a Legacy that must carry on for the sake the future that those before me couldn't have. My History won't be HIS STORY to tell, but my life will speak for itself. And even when I'm an old man playing with my great great great grandkids, I'll remember that true wealth isn't the value of a dollar but how much value you make that dollar to be. NOTHING has value unless we give it the power to, so there's really no such thing as rich or poor but the value Inwhich we give those labels we portray as life....just think about it.

Sins of Yesterday's Past

It's funny how you can never live past your past sins and transgressions no matter how much you've changed for the better. My heart filled with strain; my eyes filled with pain when you look straight into them. I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve, but you want someone to believe in your change. I have a changed mindset but you can bet that no one will see it. People have the tendency to see what they want to; forget what you do, and can care less how true to you you've been. A sin is a sin but how can I win when my sins are accounted for. The more I try I realize that my past at times hinders my present presently. It's almost like my destiny has been set for me; I'm in this never ending race you see...But it's alright, it's ok, I'll keep trying anyway; because what I've done in my past, doesn't make me who I am today...

All Of You

I love you; the way that you smile back at me, the way you stare at me. The love you gave, the love you give and show; the fact that my feelings continue to grow. I was scared to believe that a love like this forever we are building existed, but as I look through your eyes I realize I am blessed. And all that I have stressed has come and gone and now its time to embrace the fact that you are my blessing. My end and my beginning, even when I feel like I've lost I'm winning because I have you...Living life seems much easier because I have you, true love is hard to find but you're here. And every year that passes by and I find myself staring in those eyes again I'll remember that moment I let all my fears go and made you mine. I appreciate your perfect imperfections and with all the life lessons I have gone through; the pain and strain was worth it because I did gain you. If I had to deal with all that I have I would do it all over again just so I could appreciate and have All of You...I Love You.

In Due season

   The Darkest hour in someone's life is when they realize the greatness they hold. It's when they realize that all they have internally will come forth. They will realize that all they believe will be achieved. I've always said that things may not happen when you want them to but they will always happen whenever you need them to. Those words so simple hold so much power and I believe them. I believe them because part of me realizes that all great things don't come overnight, or when we want them to at that moment. If things were that simple to get; how would we truly appreciate something, if we didn't understand the struggle to truly possess it? All great things don't come to an end; all that happens is something new takes the place of it.

   I won't portray myself as a person who knows it all because I don't. I won't say that I have the answers to become successful because I'm trying to figure out the answers myself. What I will say is I'm a man who has gone through a few hardships in my life to shed some light on knowing that better days are coming. Sitting around and waiting for things to change and get better won't do anything. All that will happen is time will go by and you'll find yourself years later; much older asking yourself why didn't you do more, and the only one to blame is one you see in the mirror...Yourself!

   Remembering moments when I was nearly homeless twice; going uptown to the welfare place with my family almost begging to keep our place. Fighting to stay in an apartment my grandmother had in her name for years before she passed away. Remembering how embarrassed I felt being there with my sisters and mother. Feeling like a criminal, giving my social security number; having people say we couldn't even get food stamps because my mother made too much. Then my Aunts stepped in and gave money to make sure we stayed in our home. Our Angels in disguise.

    I remember when I worked my ass off for a a company for only $7.50/hr. Me not being complacent with complacency worked my way up to an assistant manager in less then 3 months. By the time I had been there not even a year I had already been ready to run my own store. But God obviously had other plans for my life so I went from that company to another. Only being there for a month and a half I was respected by everyone I worked with and was treated like I was a manager, though I was just a sales associate. Now no longer working even for that company I truly wonder where my destiny lies?

   I realize that I am obviously meant to create my own companies, orchestrate my own ways of making a living and helping other individuals reach their fullest potential. I read somewhere that if you are truly a leader you do not make followers but create other leaders. I believe those words because I myself have taken the responsibility of realizing I am a leader. Not because I wanted to always be one, because I remember when I didn't; I've come to accept it, even embracing it because I realize that my purpose is to show others the greatness they hold within. Truly understanding other people and accepting who they are is understanding and accepting the person you are first.

    How can I proclaim to be a leader and take on the roles of leadership if I am afraid to lead? Moreover; being a leader is also understanding you don't know everything, and allowing others to lead the way when it is necessary to. You cannot be intimidated by someone else's potential or be angry if those you lead do better then you do; just take that as a sign of who you are, and the kind of people you mold into being great.

   When I find myself writing I don't ever do it for the people already established or those who appear to have it all. I do it for the have nots, the underdogs. I do it for the mother who is a single parent who gives her daughter everything she never had, and wants to be the example of a woman to her daughter she never had growing up. I do it for the man who works three jobs to make sure that his children want for nothing and his wife has the world; and though he is not rich he finds happiness in his family. I do it for those homeless people we already walk pass; judging them, telling each other "they don't have to be homeless", and not even know their story. It's easy to judge the path you never walked down when you yourself have never been down that route.

  I said all that to say that a change is going to come; a shift in fortune will cause you to see that all the trials and tribulations you have suffered, will have not been in vain. You have to believe what you can't see and realize that even when all seems lost everything will work in your favor. I would be a liar if I didn't say that as I'm writing this; I wasn't compelled to give up sometimes myself when things don't seem to go the way I planned for, even when I give my very best. But a part of me realizes that all that pain and hurt is only temporary. That happiness and gain will replace all that has been seemingly lost.

   If I haven't said this already; or you are still unsure what I want you to realize, remember that you have to do what works for you. What's going to make you happy is important. I may not have all the answers to life, I may also not be able to point out the best methods to have you get through whatever hardships or circumstances you're facing either. What I can tell you though is the best lessons are learned through hardships; because they not only show you who you are, but make you realize that there still others going through much worse.

   Trust and believe in your own potential even when it appears that all hope is lost. Remember we all have a purpose in life and we are set here to not only figure it out, but share it with the world. Life will present to you your true purpose in due time, just believe in your potential unseen and remember your greatness from within in.

What if

What if our lives were a dream, and everything we thought we knew wasn't what it may seem?

What if I never knew love? Then I would have never met such a blessing like you from the Lord above.

What if I never knew pain? Then I would never appreciate my new found gain.

What if I believed when people said I would fail? Then I would have only failed myself and wouldn't prevail.

What if I was afraid to succeed? But fear is only a choice and I MUST succeed.

What if I was never born? But it's no time to feel like a victim; though I am broken I am not torn.

What if I fail? But giving up is never an option and through God I will prevail.

What if, what if, what if...is what I always ask myself;  but it's more important to appreciate what is and remember what will be, then to dwell on what was and what might be. Remember what you are and appreciate what you were because who you were made you who you are destined to be...

What I should have said

I admit it I fell for you; your smile, your style and everything about you.

I miss you; when it was us, and I won't forget that.

You made me realize that though I am a man with many flaws you cared for me regardless.

Time nor space can change what you and I had going.

It was real on both of our ends, it was nothing ungenuine about it.

The way you would stare deep into my eyes and smile back at me was my reassurance of your Love.

And though you will say you never loved me, your actions showed me otherwise.

It's funny how someone can come into your life and change your perspective on what love really is.

Sometimes I regret what I shared with you, but I realize I was meant to show you the me not many have the opportunity to see.

If I could go back in time to change meeting you I wouldn't; because you were and still in some aspects are an intricate part of my life.

I want to just feel your embrace one more time; hold me tight and never let go.

Why did it have to end so prematurely? Why did we have to let our pride and egos get in the way of "Our Forever".

But sometimes it isn't the right time for a love like ours to fully bloom.

I take responsibility for my actions, and I apologize for placing my insecurities on you.

At times I would ask God how he could bless me with such a great woman like you?

The thought of someone else touching you bothers me; then I realize NO ONE can make you feel the way I did.

It's beyond sex, way past love and honestly the way I feel about you may never change.

God only knows what the future may hold; but just know if we're meant to cross paths once again I won't EVER let you leave my side again my love....

Fearing Paradise

   What is Paradise? Is it just that place away from home where we seek happiness? The place where we can run away from everything and everyone? Or is it just a figment of our imagination; deep down in our psyche where we believe we're suppose to be? Wherever that place you call paradise lies; go to it. Run to it, and believe in it even if everyone else around you believes it's just an imagination. Because honestly we all at some point seem to be afraid of that place where comfort lies. But can you get through the darkness that seems ever present, even when you believe it's light at the end of that tunnel?

    It's hard to believe in something that you can't even see with your eyes, even if you had 20/20 vision. We seem to fear the unknown because it's something foreign to us. Its not the norm because it is something we have never actually done before. It's almost like going on an adventure and not knowing where you'll end up because of what you're use to happening. Honestly I fear the way people view me. Sometimes I feel like I'm so different that those around me will never really understand me. At times I feel like I'm an alien and the world I live in is not even where I'm suppose to be.

    People are just so judgmental and won't know anything about you, but will sit and criticize you without even knowing what you walk is. How much you had to sacrifice in your life to get exactly where you want to be. The nights of being alone, not having anyone to just hold you close and tell you everything will be alright. Not having a father to teach you how to be a man because he didn't know his father. Having sisters that you want to give the world to but realizing that you are their brother and NOT their father. That's only partly MY WALK.

   BUT instead you know what people see when they they look at me? A person who thinks he's better then everyone else because he doesn't care to be accepted by people who seem more broken then he is; but they're too afraid of their own greatness. They see a person who is complex; when in fact I'm just someone trying to guard my heart. Wanting to Love a woman, but being afraid because she may hurt me because of her own broken dreams never fulfilled. Being in the corner of other people and making them better but when I'm in need of that same kind of lift up I'm alone...Almost like a lone wolf with no support behind me. Wanting to be able to have a woman that just understands what I feel even if I don't utter a word. Just embracing me close to her heart because she knows that though I may be broken I am far from weak.

    So where is my paradise? I guess I know what it is; as a matter of fact I do know. My paradise lies in breaking away from what the "norm" is. Being able to help someone else understand what their purpose is through my own struggles. We don't just live life for ourselves; though we want to act like we do. You ever did something and felt like there was way more to what you were suppose to fulfil? Like you were on the brink of something but couldn't muster up the courage to do it? Honestly that's exactly where I am in my life. I'm only 24 years old but I feel like I am here to fulfil extraordinary things in my life. And not just for myself and family but for those who believe what I do, but are too afraid to just fly...

   I look at an Eagle; how it flys so gracefully through the sky like a shooting star. I'm sure at some time in its life it was fearful of flying, but it did anyway. Not because it couldn't, but because it didn't know where it should start. But that Eagle just spread its wings and soared the sky. And that Eagle may have not known where it was going to wind up but he kept on going, until he traveled the world. He saw things that he would have never been able to see if he didn't just spread his wings and soar through the sky. And you know what? We're just like that eagle honestly. You can't allow yourself to not go where you want to because you're not sure where you'll end up.

    I told someone I care about recently that you can't want what's best for everyone else; and want those around you to be happy and fulfilled if you yourself aren't doing the same. Then I had to look at myself; and say how could I even say this to her if I myself aren't dong it? We all at some time seem to fear paradise; but why? Why fear something that has the capability to change your life for the better? To paint a permanent smile on your face because you're at ease knowing that you made the best decision possible. It's not much of a life you're living just staying complacent because its safe to stay where you are. Sometimes we're not always given another opportunity to soar as high as we're suppose to.

   To be honest with you I didn't realize certain things about myself until I had someone say to me " Derrick I wish that you could show others what I see". That triggered something within me because even now as I write all I am I'm pouring out some dark corners in my life I didn't want others to see; or even read. But since I'll be judged regardless I'd rather just be myself. Be as plain and naked because it's who I am. And I may not be wealthy; or have everything I desire right now, but I will. I believe this wholeheartedly; and you know what? It WILL happen.

  Life is like a Ferris wheel; and around and around we go; but that's not how it has to be though. Do what makes you happy and not just what you feel is right to do. So where does your paradise lie? Wherever it is go to it and try your best to do everything that will make you happy. There will definitely be ups and downs, hurt and pain. But you truly begin to appreciate something when you knew what you had to do to receive it. Hold on to your dreams; and give them wings to soar higher then an Eagle. When you fathom that concept you'll truly understand that there is no real reason that you're Fearing Paradise....

What Now?

    It's interesting how we all seem to believe we know what our purpose truly is. What it is that we want to accomplish; and what it is we're destined for. Who we truly are and whom we are; and how we can bring forth all of that from within. Sounds easy right? Just that simple, knowing what we want to do with our lives and just doing it. But life was NEVER just that simple; it's not really just as simple as Black and White or having gray areas inbetween. You've got certain crosswords to get through; challenging situations that must be faced in order to truly appreciate what you're meant to do.

    I remember when I sat here and had my life planned out; ever since I was little I had an idea of what it was I wanted to do. I've seen myself as a businessman, a Mogul; an individual with immense influence and wealth. Being an international, Global phenomenon with the type of resources to help my family and I forever. Then as I got older I began to realize that it was more to life then just that alone. Yes, I still want to be all of that; but I want even more, and I don't mean just for myself and family but for as many individuals as possible.

    I've come to realize that in order to truly prosper the way you deserve is to give. And I don't mean just resources; what I'm talking about is a little more complex then that. It's the giving of yourself...When you give freely and wholeheartedly of yourself for the right reasons I believe you become blessed. Blessed in the sense of the spiritual aspect as well as karma. Whatever it is that you place into the atmosphere; good or bad always bounces back to you. At least that's what I believe.

   I remember when I had no job; I was a man who was about 23 years old; going on to be 24 with an open mind and no money. I felt like nothing, like I was a failure and I had nothing to offer. I had a friend of mine who worked at Apple who even put the word in for me to work there. Being optimistic I dressed my best and went there. I got through the first interview and the Human Resources Manager was impressed with me. Let's just say I was guaranteed to have a second interview. About a week later I was called into the Apple Store on 5th Avenue; EVERYONE was not only mean to me but standoffish. From what I remember the only one who was nice was a security guard; he said he felt I would get it. So I stayed optimistic.

     I met with one of the managers of the store that was going to interview me. I felt like I said everything right; and she asked me where did I see myself in the next 3-5 years? My answer was owning my own businesses. Now I don't know if that was the right answer but it was the truth. Needless to say about 3 days later I got one of those "thanks but no thanks emails". Not only was I crushed but it caused me to feel even more worthless and an even bigger failure. I even went for my Security guard certifications and got them, but I didn't want a security job honestly. The last resort was me sending an email to an old company I worked for back in 2009 called Ricky's NYC. A New York City based company that started in 1989 by a man named Ricky Keing.

   Fast forwarding a week; I met with a Human Resources Manager there, and again was myself. And I got the job and was called in to be placed in a store and worked that summer in July 2012. I started as a Sales Associate, learning everything and giving my very all whenever I was there. I even stayed later if I needed to. Literally in September 2012 I was asked to be an Assistant Manager and was promoted. It is now April 2013 and now I'm going for a Store Manager position within this company.

    I explained all of that to say that whatever is meant for you will happen. I STILL will be a businessman and Mogul VERY soon; and I plan on talking about that too when that time comes. I've always felt you MUST "Aspire to Inspire". I've met so many individuals within this company that will be life long friends; and even business partners when I go off and build companies myself. My Aunt Stephanie always says "Small Small", which means little by little things will form into what they're suppose to. Rome wasn't built in a day and Legacies don't have to be either.

  So the question of the hour is "What now"? We believe we have to have it all figured out at this moment to feel like we've accomplished something. The best way to explain life is like a Gigantic tree. It literally takes a tree at least 100 years to stand tall and strong. And even if we don't have the opportunity to see what it forms into it will be something great. We ALL are just as great as that tree is. We may not have 100 years to form into something, but the time we do have is just as good. Give without seeking validation from anyone, and strive to the highest pinnacle even when others say it's impossible to be reached. The only true limitation we have is ourselves. WE control where we should be and how far we should go.

    Still want to know what now? Just know this much; believe what can't be seen, so when it becomes tangible you'll then realize that all it truly took to become a reality was believing. There is no such thing as something that can't be done; just as long as you keep on going until you can't anymore. Remember "A man isn't judged or congratulated on the success or merits of others; but for his own actions and merits he chooses to commit for himself". We all have a purpose; we just have to give them feet to travel....

Congratulations Gabby Douglas!

   First off; I want to say that I'm sincerely proud of Gabby Douglas and her great Achievements. The fact that she was able to get an all around gymnastics Gold medal, as well as being the very FIRST African American to achieve this is far beyond anything that can be said. There's sincerely not one particular word that I can use to say how proud of Gabby Douglas I am; and I appreciate her humility also. She is the first one of ANY generation in gymnastics to achieve such a feat. The fact that she hasn't allowed this to get to her head is beautiful. Gabby was the underdog that took it ALL! She's got a 90million dollar sponsorship with Kelloggs cereal to prove it too!

   What's even more crazy is I'm sure that Kelloggs Cereal won't be the only sponsorship she will probably be receiving either. This story just let's me know that it doesn't matter what people say about how far you're going to go, if you're destined for greatness your light will shine brighter then the rest. A young 16 year old who months earlier wasn't even suppose to make it to the Olympics was the one who took home gold and made history while doing it. Congratulations again Gabby Douglas, you definitely inspired me to believe that nothing is too great for God and nothing is too great as long as we believe!

Lifestyles and Life lessons

    It's moments like the one I'm experiencing now where I feel alone. That there's no one that understands exactly how I feel and what I'm going through. I have much to be blessed and happy about, especially since I'm still here. Alive and kicking with my soul still in tact. I've been having a very trying time as of late and I'm in need of many answers from the man upstairs. I ALWAYS try to keep up an optimistic mindset, even when I find that situations in my life are trying to overwhelm me. I just realize more and more that the road I trod will never be an easy one, and I'm not expecting it to be either. But I do wish that there were more people there then my family. However, Realistically that's the only people that will always wind up being there.

    I don't know, maybe I just expect way too much from people. I've always felt like my level of loyalty and care was much more then it should have been for most people anyway. But that's nothing to feel bad about right? I just know I'll ALWAYS keep my head held high even when things aren't looking so great. You must believe in something, even when it looks like believing appears it's not getting anywhere. I never keep a defeated spirit, and life always has a way of moving in your favor when you just let GOD handle the rest.

   I realize you should never really put your very all into anyone who doesn't do that with you. I guess it's me growing up, not putting all my eggs in one basket. I haven't given up on people, I've just given up on investing unwarranted time into those that don't deserve it anyway. Yea, that's what it is. Life is an interesting situation, that's what makes it so great in the first place. Never give in or give up, just move forward and stay Persistent. Because Persistent Men Excel....