Thank you for your Mistakes

       Everyday that I wake up I find myself trying to figure out what it is that I am destined to do. I have a great relationship; my mother and I get along with one another so much better then we use to, I have a great job that I have enough money; to provide for myself, and the family I find myself building. But I'm still unfulfilled because I feel like there's so much more; it's almost like that unfulfilling feeling you get when eat good food but you want more. You ever got to that crossroad in life where you're not exactly where you would like to be but you're right there on the brink of something great? That all that you've hoped, dreamed and desired is right there for the taking? The moment where dreams are no longer thoughts deep within yourself, but actually right there for you to have them formulate into something others said could never happen? The possibilities are only endless when we begin to believe they are; when we put that fearful factor away, and give those dreams we have given life, feet to roam free. I use to hate the person I was; the man I saw in the mirror everyday of my because I didn't believe in my own greatness and potential. I thought I would spend the rest of my life trying to be what others thought that I should be. Then one day; when I was tired of dealing with fear and the opinions of others, I started to do what I wanted to do, and not worry about what others thought I should do. I began to love myself even if no one else would. Then all that I believed I could do, I never gave up on those beliefs; and then...I transformed. I transformed like a caterpillar to a butterfly; a boy to a man, but I genuinely changed for the better. I've realized more and more that things may never happen when you actually want them to; but when they finally happen, they ALWAYS happen whenever you need them to, and it's all for your betterment. 

       I remember when one of my sisters said to me; in one of our many conversations, that she didn't want any man that could not show his emotions. That couldn't cry when he felt pain; that couldn't say that he loved her whenever that's what he felt. Now that I think about it, my father never seemed to express any of that that my sister said she wanted in a man. My father seems to be that missing link in this seemingly complicated puzzle I call my life. I miss my father, and I can genuinely say that mean it this day. I wish I could talk to my father and express to him; man to man, that I am disappointed in his decisions. That I expected him to love me and be there for me just like my mother was and still is. That all that I have learned to be as a man has nothing to do with him, and it's somewhat hurtful. However; If I am to be honest, I am partly the man I am today because of his abandonment of responsibilities as a parent to me. His physical and mental abuse is what strived me to love without any condition and to give of my heart wholeheartedly. I have a Queen that I would never cheat on; that I love with ALL my heart and soul, whom I will grow old with and spend the rest of my life with. We have a little princess that I love; that I teach everyday she is a remarkable individual, that she's smart and precious and I love her no matter what mistakes she finds herself making. My dad never even told me he loved me; he never hugged me or told me I was smart and had much to offer the world and it hurt my soul. I'm not expecting pity or that "awww moment". What I do hope for is if you're this kind of man or woman; stop doing this today. Be the parent to your child that they need you to be. Be their light at the end of their tunnel when all seems dark and hopeless. Love them unconditionally even when they don't love or believe in themselves. Because they can be broken like I was, hateful like I use to be, and go down that path in life that they didn't even have to if you were there to say I LOVE YOU even if they didn't love themselves. 

       I love you dad; even though I feel like you never expressed your love to me. I'm here even if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to believe in you, though you never believed in me. And I genuinely forgive you even though you never forgave yourself for what you did to me. You've got to let what has happened to you go because you will never be able to be the man you we're suppose to be if you don't. You must believe that GOD can fix anything because he has fixed me. And all I have aspired to be is because of your lack of being there. And I don't say any of this because of anger or hurt; I say this because you know I am right, so make your wrongs right by admitting what you're too afraid to admit to yourself, which is you're hurt. That you want to cry and love and give what was never given to you because your father abandoned you too. Forgive your father; because I have forgiven mine already. And I promise I will NEVER make the same mistakes that you did; I will never forget those that mean the world to be like you have, but I will be strong like you are because I am you and you are what I will never be, which is scared to love. But it's not your fault because the one who should have showed you to tie a tie, and love a woman and take care of his family was never there like you weren't there for us. But I want to leave you with this thought though; mistakes man us human, and life won't always be easy, but the decision to right those wrongs will only lead us to change for the better. Not only for ourselves but for those who look up to us. And even when we fuck up and make those mistakes, WE have to make sure we are able to deal with those consequences for our actions. Sometimes Goodbyes aren't always forever; but new beginnings of change can happen when we attempt to create that change. So I chose to be the man you should have been for me, but I thank you for making me realize that even though you were nowhere to be found. I love you dad; and thank you for your mistakes...