Love Is ™

Love is Passion, Love is Pain.
Love is Struggles, Love is Strain.
But Love doesn't cut you to the Vein.
Love isn't divided, Love is United.
Love is indifferent, it's NEVER one Sided.
Love is beautiful no matter the Race.
Love can travel through time and Space.
Love doesn't care about your sex or your Preferences.
Love doesn't need a reason like a job needs References.
Love is more than a concept, it is beyond an Idea.
Love is the first kiss kind of moment, but you get the Idea.
Love has the power to make you Believe.
Love has the capacity to push you to Achieve.
Love is Fearless, Love is Bold.
Love is the never ending story, expressed & Untold.
Love is as deep as the sea in the Abyss.
Love feels like giving your true love that very first Kiss.
Love is mental, it's not just Physical.
Love shouldn't hurt or ever get Physical.
Love is what keeps us; believe me, it's true.
But in order to achieve this feat, it starts with YOU!

My uninhabited Utopia

   I haven't be myself in a long time; I feel like I'm immune to pain, I have felt alone my entire life. I don't remember anything about being a child because that's something I want to forget. All I can relate to is pain. It's something I expect from people. I have been hurt my entire life. It all started with my father; a man that I use to fear, and someone that I loved with all my heart. How can someone who is suppose to protect you, be the one who you need protection from? How can a man beat and abuse his child? How is this love? I have tried to wrap my head around the concept of love my whole life, and have yet to genuinely feel it from anyone. Maybe it's because I've always tried to reach out and get love from people non-deserving of it. Even my union with woman of my past; only seemed to happen because the brokenness I saw in them, was what I was trying to save myself from. I felt like if I could save them from their pain, I could save myself. I thought by trying to have children with a woman; who never really received the love she was deserving of, could love me the way I believed I loved her.

     I thought maybe by her having children with me, we could love those children the way we never got love. But what I selfishly didn't think of was how that would affect the lives of those unborn children. That realistically it was the lust for love that brought them here and not a union of genuine love. I was so angry with GOD for taking my twins away that I vowed to hate him for eternity. I already felt like GOD allowed so much to happen to me throughout my life, the least he could do was allow me to be the father to those children that I NEVER had! But he took them away from me, and honestly I have never been the same since. Every time I see a baby it makes me think to myself how much of a great father I could have been. It pains me each and every time I see a child. 

    I feel like I've gotten so well at masking my pain that I just push people away. It's not even because I want to, I just do it to protect myself. It's just always seemed like each time I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, genuine, sincere and caring people have taken advantage of me. Even the one time I believed I would spend the rest of my life with a woman I felt like I gave EVERYTHING to could betray me. I am a living being, but parts of my have died along time ago. But everyday I breathe and wake up I feel like I have the opportunity to right all the wrongs. I feel like it's my job to discontinue a cycle of deep rooted hate. My father is the way he is because he couldn't let go of certain things. He was abused as a child and never even knew his real father. No one was there to guide him and teach him how to be a strong man, but to LOVE at the same time. 

    I do not excuse his actions, but I do realize that it's not fully his fault either. How can you teach a son to be who he is when he could never be who he wanted to be? My father never had a childhood because he had to raise his brothers and sisters. He was abused by a man who hated him because his mother loved his real father still. We don't even realize the importance of caring and loving for children. We never take into account as adults that our actions can and just may affect the future of that child. We don't realize or we blindly perceive things through altered emotions; that these children do become adults, and how we treat them may make or break who they are forever. 

    To be honest all I really wanted was to be loved; to be appreciated and cared for, to be wanted and accepted. The last straw for me was when I told my father that my twins had died. Mind you I haven't spoken to my father in YEARS; and the only reason he had gotten in contact with me was because he found out that my ex was pregnant, through a Facebook post she tagged me in with the pregnancy stick. One thing about my father is he has NEVER liked to be left out of things. Especially since my fathers side of the family seemed to know about this and he didn't. He's the one who contacted me; and I said to myself that even though he was a deadbeat father to my sisters and I, maybe he could be an even better grandfather to my children. I promised I wouldn't even utter to them about how much of horrible parent he was, just so these children could love him without prejudices of how he treated me. But all that changed when I called him over the phone and told him that the twins had died. All he said was "oh wow, really?" He then told me he would call me back and I NEVER heard from him again, and that was nearly two and half years ago. 

    About a few months later my father had a heart attack and was literally in the hospital across the street from where I live. I didnt even go see him, and as bad as this may be I didn't and still don't care. Parts of me feels like my father was let off easy just receiving a heart attack because he could heal from that. Meanwhile I've carried certain emotional and psychological baggage my whole life because of him. I still have severe trust issues because of this man. Yet I'm suppose to feel bad because he had a heart attack? Yes, I do honestly...However, we reap what we sow. Nothing we do goes unpunished by karma. You can't live your life harming others and altering their lives negatively and believe you'll still prosper. My father at the time was a police officer and gave my mother hell when they were married. Though he may have never beat my mother he verbally and psychologically abused her. Treated her bad and even cheated on her to the point of getting that woman pregnant with my sister I hardly even know. My mother was fully committed and loyal to a man who wasn't ever deserving of a piece of who she is. A remarkable, genuine, loving, caring, loyal, honest woman. 

    Is it wrong that I just want to be with a woman who loves me with all her heart? A woman who will never lie to me or betray me. Someone that I could build my life with and grow old together. A woman that I can have children with and marry. The type of love that would last an eternity and countless lifetimes. I want to be able to look her in the eyes everyday and know that her love is everlasting for me and my love is everlasting for her. There is NOTHING wrong with a man showing his emotions, it shows he's not only a man but a person with heart. My sisters have made me realize that a REAL MAN can still be fearless but be loving and show his emotions. Society has bred men to believe that he isn't a man if he cries or shows affection. That it makes him weak or invaluable if he shows love or compassion. But it is up to us to change that way of thinking, and realize that there is nothing wrong with any of that. Embrace who you are even if others don't accept it. 

   You can't be who you are fully without committing to being happy. Yea life can be tough at times, and yes there will be times when you're down or feel alone. But always remember that you're worth it, that you're important and you mean something. Realize that you're more then enough and that anyone's life you're in will make them a better person. Love yourself and even forgive yourself, don't dwell so much on what was but rather what is and what will be. You can never undo what what was done but you can do what needs to be done. Never lose track of your importance and always wear it like a banner. Lastly, Forgiveness is the next step into ushering a new utopia of happiness. Never lose sight of that and keep it embedded deep within yourself. Life's best lesson is to be happy even when it is a beautiful nightmare. Remember that even in the midst of chaos, your life shines bright to a beautiful tomorrow....Today!

Baby Girl

    Funny I thought about you today, thought I would check up on you to make sure that you were alright. I wanted to call you and just hear your voice. Just look into your eyes while I rub on your face and kiss you softly on your lips. Embrace the warmth of your body and proceed to express what you mean to me. Your beauty as radiant as the night sky while the moon is full. Your laugh so contagious, I just miss the way you sound. If I could have this moment for eternity I would be the happiest man in the world. But that's just what you do for me, make me forget all about the problems of this world. This love I have for you reminds me why I'm alive.

    This reminds me that all that I have EVER endured in my life was worth it because of this moment I'm able to share with you now. This reminds me why any other woman that hurt me and broke me down emotionally can be forgiven because you taught me how to love again. You make me feel like I can be myself and never have to be someone that I'm not. This is the highest I've ever felt without even taking drugs. Baby Girl YOU are my drug. I Love You and I'm willing to tell you this for the rest of my life and everyday if I have to. GOD blessed my life when he sent me you. You make me feel alive because you are my heart. If love had a definition it would be the physical picture of what you and I have. The way you put your makeup on every morning and effortlessly enhance your beauty without even trying. GOD saved you just for me when you entered my life. I knew that I wanted you to be my wife for the rest of my life when I saw you. 

    Baby you make me feel strong when I'm weak. You lift me up when this world tries their best to tear me down. You are my voice of reason when I feel like I'm about to do something crazy. The day I get on one knee and ask for your hand in marriage; that will be the second best decision I made in my life, because the first one was when I gave you my heart. This is what I feel, and this is the limitless unconditional love I've yearned to have for you baby girl. I can't even stay mad at you when you upset me because you are my love. You are my soul; the bright light at the end of the tunnel, you're the cherry on top like a great ending to your favorite movie. When we make love I put my all into it because you mean everything to me.

     I want my body to express that unlimited love I have for you. I don't just love you girl, but I'm In Love with you. I want to grow old with you, have some kids with you and hold your hand in the rain. I don't even mind being vulnerable with you because you genuinely have my back. So to sum it all up; this is what I feel for you girl, it will NEVER change. To that FUTURE woman of my life, wherever in this world you may be right now, just know that I Love you.......

I met Heaven when my world was Hell

           Kind of in my feelings tonight; I'm here reminiscing on the "past", and how much I miss how things use to be. How much I miss missing you and how much I love LOVE. I've come to grips that I'm just a sensitive, fearless, aggressive, outgoing, loving, giving man. There's nothing wrong with that whatsoever...I've tried my best to stay away from being who I am to build on having people appreciate who I'm not. I feel like I've brainwashed myself from being who I truly am and really excelling to my highest peak. I've done this for so many years because I was trying to figure out who I was. Trying to be a "thug" because I associated with people who did things, which in turn made me do those things to be accepted. I thought being a "player" was important because I was scared to give love due to seeing how women treated the "nice guy". The bad boy was the accepted one, the guy who every man wanted to be and every woman wanted. I've been so many types of Dee's but not the Dee that is ME.....

             At this point in my life I'm beyond happy, I have a job that I can see myself being apart of even when I have my own companies. I love myself and accept myself and appreciate myself even if no one else does. I believe in my own potential even if no one else does. Do I want to have a life where I have a wife and a few kids? Of course I do, that's something I've always wanted. My ex whom I was with nearly with for two years, made me want my own family when I thought she and I would be together forever. She has a daughter whom I still love and think about; who I want to still take care of and watch her grow up, take her to the prom and walk her down the aisle. I never thought that I could ever love a child this much and not even share the same bloodline as them. How I want to be apart of her life this bad but don't want to deal with this child because I was hurt deeply by her mother. It's something how you can love and care for a seed that really isn't yours; but she is yours because you took care of her, even if it was just for a short time. I pray that one day I can still be in this child's life on some level just so she'll know that I love her and I'm her daddy still even if she wasn't someone I helped bring to this world.

        I didn't mind being the father to her that I never had. And no I'm not with her mother; and I wish nothing but the very best for her, and no I may not be this child's biological father but I still want what's best for her.  And I'll admit at times I didn't always do or say the right things when it came to that child, but I took on the role of being a father and guardian even if it wasn't my responsibility to take on in the first place. But I'm a MAN and a MAN takes care of all that is his, even if in the end he's treated badly despite him trying so hard. I'm proud of the man that I've accepted in the mirror, I feel like a real individual and not a carbon copy of someone I'm not. GOD allowed me to endure much to have me give even more. The worst thing that a man can do is not be who he is because he believes being someone he's not will have others accept him. The last thing that I will admit is I still care partly even if I don't feel the same I use to about my ex. That's unfortunately the caring nature in me always wanting the best for others even if they don't or haven't for me.

         At this point all I really would like is a woman who loves me for me; appreciates and adores me, believes in me and stays by my side. Realize that as strong and fearless as I am I do have vulnerable moments. I'm not weak because I care, it makes me a coward if I'm fearful of showing love when GOD is love. I will make mistakes and maybe even hurt you. But I'll NEVER not give my all because that's just not who I am not to. Whoever my future Mrs. Is just know you will be the luckiest woman in the world; and not just because I'll spoil her with my love, affection, gifts and protection, but that I love her because I first learned to love myself first....

The flower you threw away

My bed use to feel empty because I was empty without you there. 

I remember when I wouldn't even lay on the left side because you weren't there to share it with me.

My heart use to be filled with a mixture of sadness and hatred when your name was spoken. 

When I see babies even now I think about how we were going to have twins that we lost. 

And when you left me I felt lost, like I didn't know what else to do. 

You were my only friend when I had no one else to confide in.

You were the support that I thought I had when times were rough. 

But then something happened...things began to be different.

Now when I think of you I feel sad for you, not because of what you did but what will happen.

Life has a funny way of changing the roles for people.

I mean even in the bible it say "The first shall be last & the last shall be first".

I've learned over the years that GOD has been preparing me for something bigger then the moments I planned for "US".

The dreams I envisioned of your belly being big while you walked around pregnant with my children and you being my wife. 

Sharing a life with OUR daughter whether she is mine by blood or not.

GOD took you away from me; the family I always wanted of my own, the babies I was ready to have, because in order for me to truly appreciate all those things I had to lose them. 

It's almost like my whole world crumbled; I genuinely wasn't the same for a long time because you weren't there by my side, to love me the way I wanted you to.

I'm a man yes; I mean I'm not suppose to cry right? I'm suppose to not care right? 

But I was hurt, and I cried almost everyday because I missed you and OUR daughter whether she was biologically mine or not. 

I was lonely and lonesome but I never lost hope in myself.

Ive learned to love me with every fiber of my being, the same way I poured my love into you and your child.

I've always been the type of man that fears only GOD himself, another man that breathes like I do sparks not one ounce of fear into me, because why should he?

But I feared losing your love and you showed me that you didn't love me the same.

I can admit I could have done better in many instances, but the good I gave should have outweighed any bad I did.

I mean relationships have ups and downs; trials and tribulations, but the love should never leave because mistakes were made.

I can truly say that I've never loved another woman the same way I loved you. 

My actions proved that when I gave you babies that GOD took from us; but whether you believe that or not, just know that me being with you was never a game to me...it was VERY REAL.

Well now that I know what love feels like I can thank GOD he at least allowed that to happen.

My mission to be a billionaire is literally happening in less then ten years, and me being a millionaire WILL happen this year like I said it would.

Though you left me I want to thank you, you showed me that you would do something to me I would have NEVER done to you.

You showed me what I don't want a woman to do to me because things aren't going too well momentarily.

I could never hate you and I would never wish you any harm, I truly wish you the very best in life.

I partly want to thank you for leaving me; because I believe in me even more then I ever did, the way I wanted you to be there to believe in me, the way I've always believed in you.

I'm not bitter whatsoever, I honestly feel like I'm better now.

I didn't even have to go to therapy like I was going to do, I just stopped doing what I use to.

One thing I'll always do is believe in myself even if nobody else believes in me.

I will always love and do for me even if no one else does, because I've got a legacy to leave.

It's bigger then just today and tomorrow, it's about shaping and changing the world forever.

I truly have love for you and partly my heart hurts because of you, but I don't blame you. 

"Time doesn't move back it moves forward, you can't run away from the pain run towards it".

Jay-Z said it best because that's truly how I've learned to deal with my life. 

I truly hope that you get the happiness you deserve and you get the love, life & family I did want with you, even if with someone else. 

I was never taught how to be a man or to love a woman the right way because I didn't have a man there to even show me, but Lord knows I did try my very best to.

I'm sure that the love and family; wife and kids I do desire is out there for me, but for now I'll just continue to strive for the pinnacle.

I can truly say that this year and the years to come are looking very bright for me, and I'm proud of the man I've become and continue to strive to be.

"GROW THROUGH WHAT YOU GO THROUGH"; because even when a flower wants to grow, it can still grow through concrete. 

Persistent Men Excel...So believe in you even if no one else does!

Reality

Sleepless nights with nobody but my thoughts and inner self to listen to me. 

Feeling lonely, like I want to be loved but I haven't loved myself in a long time.

Now I love me and I wonder if now I have time to love anyone else but me?

My heart is filled with all the love I can give but it always seems like I never give enough though.

I'm out here hoping and wishing I can be the man I never had around me.

And I feel bad for my dad; he just had a heart attack Friday, and I was sad but we reap what we sow.

I don't wish any anything but the best for the man who was never there for me.

He came back into my life when he thought I was having twins; and when they died because a doctor carelessly made the wrong decision, he was gone like the heartbeats of my unborn kids.

Seems like my life for a long time was a roller coaster of endless negativity.

And the people I thought was riding by my side was'nt fucking with me.

I find myself looking at other peoples babies, feeling sad because I just want my own little one.

Someone to look after and love the way I wanted to be loved. 

And for awhile I loved someone else's child like she was my own daughter; love and nurture her like I was there the day she was born, tried to be the daddy to her I never had.

But all I heard was I wasn't giving her the things she needed; that all I did was strike fear in her, I was even told I was just like my father.

How can I be like the man who was never there when I was always there? 

Hell I was in that girls life more then the biological father she never even knew, that made it apparent he didn't want to have anything to do with her.

Yea I came in her life when she was five going on six and now she's seven, but that's more birthdays then her "Real" father was apart of.

Having people tell me I'm not her real dad; but I'm the one showing her how to tie her own shoes, teaching her how to read, going to every parent teacher conference meeting and paid for her sixth birthday when no one else had money to do it. 

I even got her into a school that was the top school in East Harlem, but I'm not a good father?

Paid for bills in a home where people made me feel like I didn't belong, moved there just to be around the woman I would have given my heart out of my own chest if she needed to survive. 

But she left me because I just wasn't the same?

How could I be the same when shit in my life wasn't the same, and all I wanted you to do was be there for me. 

And I gave you EVERYTHING; even babies that I would have raised like I was raising the little one you already had, if GOD hadn't taken them before I had a chance to say I loved them. 

And it angers me because you made it seem like I was the worse man in the world, you probably even talked bad about me to other people. 

And thoughts of what you could be doing have raced through my mind 

How the way you feel about me could change in two months when we were together for nearly two years and I knew you for three.

It's interesting how people can be here today and gone in an hour. 

What happened to us having unconditional love for one another forever?

I forgave myself when no one else did because deep down I never forgave myself. 

I blamed myself for a lot, but you can't go around in life feeling sorry for yourself.

But God never gives us more then we can handle, and Lord knows that I've handled a lot. 

I'm just out here believing and grinding for that top spot. 

Trying my best to be a man that I was never taught to be by my father.

Trying to make sure that my mother doesn't have to work another day in her life again.

Attempting to leave a legacy that will evolve history forever and do everything people said couldn't be done.

The best lesson I could have learned was "sometimes you have to encourage yourself".

Be your own support system even if no one else supports what you do. 

Stop trying to be everything to everyone and forget to do nothing for yourself. 

Remember Dreams only move forward when you give them feet to roam; without breathing life into that thought, your reality will cease to exist and be but a dream!

Be the light in your own life you try to shed on everyone else's life; because when your own light gets dim, the only person that can reignite that internal flame of yours, is you....

Social Media Suicide (SMS)

The things that we're willing to do to be accepted by people we don't even know.

Likes for likes, shout out for shout out (sfs) all for social media.

We're willing to do anything to have the type of social status to be accosted by people we barely know if not know at all. 

The way Inwhich we take the right pictures at the right time at the right moment just for a single "like".

But who are you really? Beside your fancy name you put together to descibe you, who are you really? 

Are you the guy who gets all the women, who has all the money and all the power?

Are you the girl who's booked by every modeling agency, who's got every man after her and who every woman envies?

Or are you just a simple person with a simple life, with nothing really extraordinary, you're just extra ordinary?

I mean that what's you feel about your life right?

That having a simple life without glitz and glam isn't really a life at all right?

That is isn't ok to have a simple 9-5 that you really enjoy, it just isn't amazing enough because social media wouldn't approve of it.

You wouldn't get those hundreds or even thousands of likes you seek because you didn't take a picture that accentuated your curves enough.

Women would never really desire you if you worked somewhere "normal", so have to flash money to show that you've "got it like that". 

It's not cool to be in a relationship because you're about the single life; but in the same breathe when it's into the late hours of the night, you're in search of that special someone to cuddle with. 

When did we get to a point when we based our importance on how many people liked what we did?

That every precious moment of our lives had to be taped or photographed; and when we got enough likes on either one, at that moment we then realized it was truly important because others "liked" it too.

Nothing is sacred anymore, a moment just isn't a moment if it doesn't make it to social media.

We tape fights and people in them get worse because they know it will possibly make it to World Star.

We make pages exposing people's inner most secrets just so the world will know how much of a slut they really are.

And people can sit here and place blame on the next person and say "but I didn't do anything"; when truthfully you're just as bad because you sit back and watch it all happen, say nothing and "like it".

People will do or say anything just to get exposure on social media, just to be noticed.

Social Media Suicides happen everyday, because people are willing to die inside but outwardly pretend they are doing just fine. 

The great lengths people are willing to go just to have a person they have never met a day in their life like them, even love them to a degree.

Deep down we all have a part of us that wants to be accepted by somebody.

We even all have dreams and aspirations to be great and do great things.

It's just some of us go through great lengths to achieve things and be people we always wanted to be; show that we've made it, that we've got all the money and the women.

That we've booked every modeling gig and have everyone yearn to be just like use. 

To show everybody else that they've got more people following them and liking their pictures then everybody else's. 

To remind everyone else that people know who we are on every social media site you can think of, but we not even know and accept ourselves.

It's funny how we kill ourselves for all of these things everyday on Social Media; then again we're all dead socially, because how can you truly socialize with anyone just through social media alone?

But it's all in a day's work, killing yourself for likes and even acceptance through Social Media....Suicide!

IX XX MMXIII

   I love you, for who you are and who you are destined to be. I accept who you were and who you are, because who you are will change this world. Yes people will laugh at you and make you feel like your dreams are unreachable, the ones who you hold near and dear to your heart will leave you and the ones who you invest all your time and energy in will suck the very fiber of your being out of your soul. You will second guess yourself because you fear that what you hoped for will be unreachable. You will feel sick to your stomach with fear and at times you will hold yourself back because of that doubt. But deep down you know that EVERYTHING will be in your favor. How can you be who you're destined to be if you don't walk in that faith of knowing that you're predestined for greatness? Life will bring you down and tear you down and make you feel like nothing. However; at that very moment when you've given all that that's deep down inside, and you feel like you've given the last bit of who you are into what you believe can't be done, at that moment you'll see that ALL adversities faced, you will overcome them. Love you, appreciate and accept YOU;  because besides GOD loving you, self love is the most important love you'll ever have. 

      We often seek love from everywhere and everyone because we seek some level of validation. We believe that having so many people around us and having every lavish thing you can think of makes us who we are. But if you think about it, how can you seek to have material things and inconsistent people validate what type of importantance you have? I have had a tough few years in my own life. Losing twins that I genuinely wanted, losing a relationship that I truly was invested in, losing myself because I wanted to be everything to everyone and still not being who I was. And GOD took all of that and so much more that I haven't even written here. And it was at that very moment of finally losing a long term committed relationship that I genuinely wanted to be apart of, that I realized that it was not meant to be. Frankly I have nothing but great things to say about the woman I was with because she was and still is a great, ambitious, loving, caring and outstanding woman. She was everything I could have ever hoped for. She was the woman that showed me that even when I'm down she's there to pick me up. I guess with me writing so many remarkable things about her you wonder why we didn't last. Well it's because how can two walk unless they agree? How can two people be together even if they love one another if they have lost sight of who they are? How can you love a person with every fiber of your being and not love yourself?

      For me I've always felt the need to seek validation from the ones that I hold so near and dear to my own heart. I've always felt the need to prove my love and allegiance to people that mean something to me. What I've come to realize however is that you can not be everything to everyone else and nothing to yourself. How can I tell you that you're beautiful and that you're the best thing that GOD ever created if I can't and don't believe that about myself? It contradicts so many different things when you have that warped way of thinking. I've always been a very laid back and quite person upon meeting people. I usually stay to myself and give myself the opportunity to get to know people before I actually open my mouth and converse with them. Honestly people are so judgemental of you that it can be hard to be yourself. What I'm here to express is that even if someone doesn't like who you are; they are forced to respect it because you are being who you are, caring less about what they think. Now I am not saying that you should be mean or disrespectful and have the mindset "this is who I am and you're just going to have to deal with it" way of thinking. What I am saying is if you're who you are without thought of really caring about the opinions of others, then people are just going to accept it. We often try so hard to have people shape and mold us into what they believe we should be when they themselves aren't even comfortable in their own skin. 

     Now I loved and still do love the woman I was in a relationship with for almost two years, and have known for almost three years. I don't hate her and I genuinely want her to be happy even if it's not with me. My own pride would say that I don't want her to be with anyone else but with me, but then I would be selfish. If it's meant to be it will be, you don't have to force anything. I could have done a lot differently but if I'm going to be honest I would have not been able to; because it wasn't until things truly went down hill and I was meant to find who I was, that I came to the realization of things. It's only through chaos and anarchy that you realize what peace truly is. You can never truly appreciate the finer things in life; if you have never known what it took to actually go after it, when you had nothing at all.  To be honest with you I feel lost; like I'm alone and that there in a hole in my heart where she laid so peacefully, like a baby lay sweetly on the bosom of his mother. But sometimes the most beautiful love has to end for you to realize that maybe it wasn't the best love. Maybe it wasn't the only love. Maybe it wasn't the right time to have that love. Whatever the reason may have been that the love I wanted more then I wanted to breathe didn't work may forever be a mystery. Sometimes life is just that complex that the answers won't ever really have one real direct answer. 

     Won't you stay with me until we grow old and watch our children have children? When we sit on the porch and drink a cold glass of lemonade remembering how we use to dream of that house that we always wanted and received. How I told you that we would grow old together and I would die by your side because you are my soul mate. But I'm hurt to the depths of my soul because you're no longer here to endure forever with. Sometimes those I love you's fade away like the storms of yesterday's past into a new day brighter then the last. Now two have become one but that doesn't mean it's the end, but at least for now it is. Life can be a hurtful truth and we will not always like the answers that it hands to us. As life grows and evolves as should we. I honestly haven't grown this much as I have in a long time. Yes I've grown physically and I've been a man for quite some time now, but my mental capacity as a human being has not been this high in such a long time. If I sat down and really told you all the heartache and pain I've endured; the trials and tribulations I've overcome, you would think I was not a human being. I've been predestined for great things since before I was even conceived in the womb. I believe in me even if no one else does, and I live for and love myself even if only GOD loves me. 

     I've expressed this thought to my mother and sisters ever since this year has started, that this is the year of accomplishments. This is the year of believing in your dreams and aspirations even if other people don't. This is the year to move mountains and take that leap of faith even if it seems like nothing is going right. This is the year to do all that you hope, believe in and desire to do, because the time Inwhich you will have to do it again may NEVER happen again. The things Inwhich I will do will cause me to become a billionaire. I will be a man that has influence and my businesses will change the world and how it's viewed forever. I've always believed in leaving a legacy and building something that the generations after can continue to have and flourish with. However; if I'm going to be frank with you, I would have not come back to this way of thinking if I hadn't lost all that I have. I've realized with all that was lost, it is my duty to give back. To continue that "each one teach one" way of thinking that the African proverbs have taught me. I have genuinely forgiven myself for all that I've done and have moved forward. I have left all that once was and have started focusing on what is going to be. I can not and will not make anyone love me or be with me even if they chose not to be. Yes I may cry and be broken hearted, but that is temporary. The memories never fade away it's just that the people do sometimes. 

      I've given all I've had to give and loved as much as I could have possibly loved. September 20th, 2013 (IX XX MMXIII) will forever live in my heart. I won't ever forget that day because that's when I realized what love was. Though it hurts that we couldn't work out I wish you the very best. I've got to live my life and change this world and give all that's inside of me that I wanted to give to you. With all that I have lost; what I have gained has meant more then anything else, and that is my peace of mind...

Don't be fooled, just keep on reading

       I just want to be everything to you, but I can't be everything to everyone. My heart is big; but It's not something that everyone has the pleasure of having. I know that I will fuck up, say things, do things; maybe even make you cry, but I'm worth it. I'm not perfect but I make life worth it. I have a heart that's big as the tallest building but my love isn't as deep as the abyss. I can't be everything to everyone because I'm only ONE person. We tend to always talk about the women in our lives who give and do so much, and I genuinely commend them. But what about the good men out there that seemingly get overlooked? What about the Fathers, brothers, sons, boyfriends and husbands that handle their business in any and every scenario possible? It's always been interesting to me to see women take the opportunity on social media to commend seeing posts and pictures that express how men should cater to their needs and be available to do any and everything that their hearts desires. That all men are dogs and a man should be proud to have her because she's "a blessing from above" . Well here is a post that will give anyone (specifically speaking to women right now) who believe this way of thinking applies in all situations will wind up alone; or better yet, stay alone. A relationship is all about GIVE and TAKE, not just giving or not just taking. It's about a significant level of balance on both ends of the spectrum. Now I am a man that was raised by strong women his entire life. So I for one know far too well what a strong, independent black woman looks like. My mother, grandmother, sisters and Aunts deserve the world and so much more because they did and still do so much. 

       I would never let anyone disrespect or treat them less then great because they are great women; but the way we were all raised, we were taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. To listen, communicate and respect the way Inwhich we expect others to do for us. Frankly I feel women want to talk and never listen, to express but not want to be expressed to and they want you to show them emotions but tell you that you're way too sensitive when you express you are being mistreated by them. I can admit that women get the short end of the stick in quite a few scenarios; however, that doesn't justify the fact that you should cater to your man if you want to be catered to. Now I am not talking about the women catering to a man who does nothing for you emotionally, mentally or physically. That's not a real relationship and not only is it unhealthy; but it will lead to resentment and hatred and cause cheating, and I don't condone that behavior no matter who's doing it. Your love life won't always be filled with kisses and hugs, and honestly it's not suppose to be. But there should be more moments of happiness and smiles then anything else. I can only speak for myself when I say this; I don't expect my significant other to do for me what I do for her every time I do something for her, but I do expect her to do for me the way I do for her. What I mean by that is if I give 100% I expect 100% in return. I've always hated hearing when people say "relationships are based off both giving 50/50". My response right after I hear that is "if both people give 50% then really we're only giving half of what we should in that relationship". 

       People don't realize that it's truly power in words! That what you say to someone can make or break that person. It can alter the very fiber of who they are forever. My mother often told my two sisters and I as children; even now as adults, that it's not what you say it's how you say things. My mother also has told us that sorry doesn't always make situations better; and I'll add on to that by saying, at times the damage has already been done once you spew out that unnecessary hatred you may feel temporaryly. In the heat of the moment we ALL say things we may not mean or fully mean, but it doesn't justify saying it because you're upset at that moment. In that moment you can say something that cuts so deep that person you knew may be someone totally different. It's power in the tongue; and if you have read the bible, clearly it expresses that often throughout passages in the bible. 

       I will say this though; love is a constant battle, and I don't mean arguing or fighting, but a constant changing agent. A union between two people who love one another and will do whatever it takes to preserve what they have. Sometimes in life we tend to take one another for granted. You become so use to having that person around that you become content. Honestly I feel like you get so content that you forgot about that moment you two fell in love. You forgot about how you use to have butterflies every time you heard their name or whenever you saw them. You get so deep into everything that you want and expect to have, allowing yourself to overlook what's right in front of you. When did "WE" turn into "ME"? You've got to swallow your pride and realize that what you have is worth more then the most expensive artifact in the world. I speak from experience when I say that you must adore and appreciate the the little things in life. Don't be so wrapped up in trying to gain the world and lose sight of the ones you hold dear in YOUR OWN WORLD! 

      As a man its human nature for us to be hesitant to be the bigger person and apologize; even if to a certain degree we didn't do something wrong, and it was you that did it. Just don't make it worse by making us feel more bad then we already do. As my sister Autumn has told me; "be graceful when you're right", it's really no reason to make a bad situation. Communication, Respect and Honesty are the three key components in a relationship that seem to get overlooked by people. The deciding factor to me is who can be the bigger person and say they apologize? When you love someone you love them for who they are and not what you can gain from them. It is so rare to have people love each other for no other reason but for the reason of love. It seems to me like people of my generation hold so much emphasis on gaining something because of fear of losing everything. Seeing it happen to their parent or friends or even themselves. It's almost like you're expecting so much because you're fearful that that person will give you nothing back. But like pookie (my mrs) always tells me; "you've got to give for all the right reasons, because people won't always give you back what you've given to them". Frankly she's right! When you cater to or give your loved one something; do it because you want to reassure them of your love for them, and not a ego booster. If I've lost you for a split second; what I mean is don't do anything so you can throw it up later, making it seem like you're so great. You really may be, but do it because you just want to see your loved one happy!

     I know that Eva (my mrs) loves me and there's no one that can express otherwise to me. I've taken her for granted in a lot of instances. She's been the ONLY woman in my life that I've been in a committed relationship with that has loved me for ME! Not for what she can gain or what I can give her, but for me. I remember when I lost my job from a company that let me go due to racism. I felt less then a man because I was use to being a man who provides and she continued to stay with me. That was at the beginning of our relationship; which was a testament to me, which made me realize that she wasn't into me because I was making a lot of money but for the fact I made her laugh and smile. Happiness is key and without it you can lose yourself or maybe even those who mean the world to you. I remember when I would say "I don't want to gain the world, I just want to matter in it". Frankly I still do; but if I don't have the love from my pookie and my daughter and my mother and sisters, fuck everything else! What I do know is I have NEVER loved and will NEVER love another woman the way I love MY pookie bear! Her love is boundless and no one can tell me otherwise. You know who was always there and who never really was there when you are at your lowest. 

        I do hope that I have given someone the opportunity to realize what they have and cherish it, because life has a way of taking away who or what you take for granted. Cater to the ones you love and give of yourself continuously! With us losing twins due to doctor malpractice, dealing with losing family members and a slew of other craziness her love still remains. With love like that I see why I've had to endure so much to get who I'm blessed to have! Hard times build strong people, we endure much to acquire much in the end. Be scared to lose the ones you love because they mean that much to you. NEVER take people for granted especially when you love them...

GOD, why did you make me BLACK?

     GOD may I ask you a question? Why did you make me? Why did you love me? And why did you allow your "only begotten Son" to die for my sins? What made me so special and unique to be able to think the way that I do? Why do you love me; but why allow those that hate me so, to hurt me? Why did you make me black? Why did you allow slavery to last for hundreds of years; yet the physical chains no longer in plain sight, the mental bondage I have within me I struggle with so I don't conform to what I'm suppose to do to bigotry. At times I hate you because the things you do is like a witness to a crime that does nothing but sit back and watch. Yet in other instances you're like a parent merely guiding me in the direction of understanding who I truly am. What is good and who is truly evil? What is evil, but are they really good? The things I thought I knew seem to become such a contridiction the older I become. It just seems to me like a complicated puzzle piece that will never truly come together until I fathom that fact that all that I seem to believe I understand is not really what it is. It's the underlying piece that can't be seen with the naked eye that is the truth, and not the surface piece that I'm forever to bare witness to, that has no real purpose in the first place. The fact that we as people give titles and importance to insignificant things; only proves that we won't ever truly understand one another the way we could, if we just respected what the other thought or felt, even if it wasn't our own ideas. The sad part I have come to realize is even if we didn't find importance in race, religion, color, social classes or beliefs; we would still find a reason to make the other seem inferior or superior, because what would define us would only be how we view things. The fact the one person sees the glass as half full while the other finds it half empty; when in fact the only true importance is realizing that there's a cup there to begin with. Why is it an issue to ask why? Why is it such an issue for a person to want to believe in the the things unseen and not yet formed; and is this truly such an outlandish way of thinking? Is it really a far out way of thinking, or is it just a way for those who are inferior to place those truly superior in a box? 

       The fear of the "unknown" is what people fear the most. The things that they themselves can not control or manipulate because they were not the ones to create or enforce whatever it was that was unique in the first place. And when I say "they" I mean those too afraid to tap into their fullest potential, so they make you feel like your potential in unattainable. The ones who just made the mark or don't want to be anything more then they already are. The people who hate who they are but hate the ones who want to be more then who they already are in the first place. What really makes a person who is rich better then a person who is poor? NOTHING! But how you ask? Because WE give value to things that have NO value in the first place. The reason why there is such thing as a government and rules and rich and poor is because there are people who chose to make things that they want others to believe as "structured". But is this structure that seems to be enforced and seemingly effortlessly put into place made to help us or is it really a hindrance? The fact that we have police officers who are put into an academy for eighteen months to be taught to protect and to serve us are the same people out to hurt hurt us. Targeting a certain set of people just because they are different? Doesn't that sound almost like Al Qaeda? What makes the ones who are considered "Law Enforcement" so difference to those who are Into intense radicalism and the inhalation of people for no justifiable reason; oh I know why, because they are upholding to the law right? Yet the same laws that were teaching these "cops" courtesy, professionalism and respect are putting tears to the faces of mothers and fathers to parents like those of Michael Brown. Where's the justice in hurting innocent people? Where's the CPR way of life in all that unnecessary chaos the police seem to be getting away of?

       Though the chains are long gone; and one man can't be sold to another, black mothers fear that their sons will be sold to the highest bidder that is irreversible to come back from....death! And the Angel of death is definitely meeting the quota by not having a shortage of black males to take along with him. I'm just a Black male in America trying to not only find my place in this world but make a difference while I'm in it. I don't come from wealth and I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but I have been destined to do things that others said couldn't be done. If we're going to go by what society has stated; I'm suppose to be a criminal, dead or living the rest of my life as a felon. I'm twenty-six years old now and I've never even been to prison or have a record. No felony nor misdemeanor no nothing. Just a man who is in love with his wife and kids and family. So I should be marked a criminal just because of the hue of my flesh? I am as good as a slave almost because my ancestors were? I like to tell people that slaves were not on those ships being shipped to places all over this world several hundred years ago. They were doctors and lawyers, architects and entrepreneurs, scientist, mothers and fathers, NOT SLAVES! They were simply being oppressed by people too inferior to realize that the only reason they feared these people is because they were much more superior then they were. These people made social classes and made math and science. They did things that others were too afraid to do themselves. So what happened was they were taken into slavery to rebuild things that those who oppressed them could NEVER create in one-thousand lifetimes if they tried to. And that is how America was recreated into the seemingly global phenomena it is now. On the backs and oppression of fearless and brave individuals such as African Americans. A group of people who don't know where they were rooted from, who their ancestors are and whom they are. 

       I am more then my skintone and hue, I am not a nigger or a nigga, I am not a thief or a criminal either. All I am is a man who wants to change the world and help build and do things that help and benefit others. So the real question I have to ask GOD is why did he make me black? Well the answer is simple, GOD only gives his most difficult tasks to his most worthy, and only those who are brave and fearless would be graced to be what I am. This world is cruel and unforgiving, but the first will be last and the last shall be first. Black people have reigned at the top since the beginning of civilization; then for a few hundred years we had to go through hardships, and now we are actually heading back to our proper place on the balance of life. And the government and those in "high places" will do everything in what they consider to be power tear us down; but you've got to be ready, ready to be great at all costs. But when it's all said and done just remember this; it isn't how many times your are at the top that matters, but how many times you rise from the bottom and get to the top! So why did GOD made me Black? It is because I continue on even when all that I have seems to be nonexistent. Even when I'm put in a box I stand out and keep going even when all hope seems lost. I will leave you with this final thought; something I truly believe in and live by, and that is "The one who's fallen and gotten up, is much stronger then the one who's never fallen at all". 

Distance

Do you trust me? Do you even love me? Are you afraid of what we are or what we may be? See I love you; deeper then the abyss, and I embrace the feelings I feel that I've never felt before...YOU. Sometimes shit hurts, but nothing hurts more then the love you have for someone more then you have for yourself and they don't see it. And not because they can't; but they're not even able to see their own self worth, even if you handed them a mirror. Whoever said that physical pain hurts never has been in love before, and whoever said that in times wounds will heal; has never been so deeply scarred by love, that they're too blind to see that the pain is there even if they had 20/20 vision. How do you know when it's enough? When to call it quits? When to let go no matter how hurtful it is. Money is the root of all evil, but the pain of a broken heart can make even the quietest of mean meaner then Satan. I would give you my soul if you asked for it; the clothes off my Back if you needed it, but all you remember is what I wasn't able to do. How I wasn't there; and not because I didn't want to be, but because I wasn't the one to give you all that pain you hold onto so much. It's funny how feelings can change everything even when you don't want them to. How you're able to be a different person because of the love you have for that "special someone". Am I even someone special to you? And all that you said when you were mad was it true? Is everything that you said you'll do you will do? Life; the single most complicated piece to a bigger picture, we are at times too stupid to realize for our own selfish, self serving reasons. And what are you truly afraid of? To love and to be loved back? Know yourself and self worth, because that's definitely a picture worth a thousand words.....

I Hate You?

         I hate you! The way you make me feel and the way that I act because of you. I can't help what I feel and what you make me do without even trying to. The level of extasty that I am able to feel because of you is unimaginable, then in other instances the pain I feel because of you is just too unbearable. But I can't live without you even if I tried my best to, and I'm incomplete without you because you're what makes me who I am. It took me almost seemingly forever to accept you for who you are and what you are able to do to me and for me. At times I feel like you're my poison, while other times I feel like you're my cure to all this hate around me. Why must you be so complicated? Why can't you just leave me alone and let me live life the way I want to without a care in the world? But you're not bad for me; it's just that you confuse me. At times you make me say and do things I don't even mean, while other times I say what I meant temporarily while I regret later on what I expressed. You're like a ticking time bomb; but with time at times you can heal. Sometimes I'm confused because of you while other times I'm more then sure what needs to be done. You're just inconsistent but consistently you're consistent on a constant basis with the things that you do. But is that how the heart should make one feel.......?

Thank you for your Mistakes

       Everyday that I wake up I find myself trying to figure out what it is that I am destined to do. I have a great relationship; my mother and I get along with one another so much better then we use to, I have a great job that I have enough money; to provide for myself, and the family I find myself building. But I'm still unfulfilled because I feel like there's so much more; it's almost like that unfulfilling feeling you get when eat good food but you want more. You ever got to that crossroad in life where you're not exactly where you would like to be but you're right there on the brink of something great? That all that you've hoped, dreamed and desired is right there for the taking? The moment where dreams are no longer thoughts deep within yourself, but actually right there for you to have them formulate into something others said could never happen? The possibilities are only endless when we begin to believe they are; when we put that fearful factor away, and give those dreams we have given life, feet to roam free. I use to hate the person I was; the man I saw in the mirror everyday of my because I didn't believe in my own greatness and potential. I thought I would spend the rest of my life trying to be what others thought that I should be. Then one day; when I was tired of dealing with fear and the opinions of others, I started to do what I wanted to do, and not worry about what others thought I should do. I began to love myself even if no one else would. Then all that I believed I could do, I never gave up on those beliefs; and then...I transformed. I transformed like a caterpillar to a butterfly; a boy to a man, but I genuinely changed for the better. I've realized more and more that things may never happen when you actually want them to; but when they finally happen, they ALWAYS happen whenever you need them to, and it's all for your betterment. 

       I remember when one of my sisters said to me; in one of our many conversations, that she didn't want any man that could not show his emotions. That couldn't cry when he felt pain; that couldn't say that he loved her whenever that's what he felt. Now that I think about it, my father never seemed to express any of that that my sister said she wanted in a man. My father seems to be that missing link in this seemingly complicated puzzle I call my life. I miss my father, and I can genuinely say that mean it this day. I wish I could talk to my father and express to him; man to man, that I am disappointed in his decisions. That I expected him to love me and be there for me just like my mother was and still is. That all that I have learned to be as a man has nothing to do with him, and it's somewhat hurtful. However; If I am to be honest, I am partly the man I am today because of his abandonment of responsibilities as a parent to me. His physical and mental abuse is what strived me to love without any condition and to give of my heart wholeheartedly. I have a Queen that I would never cheat on; that I love with ALL my heart and soul, whom I will grow old with and spend the rest of my life with. We have a little princess that I love; that I teach everyday she is a remarkable individual, that she's smart and precious and I love her no matter what mistakes she finds herself making. My dad never even told me he loved me; he never hugged me or told me I was smart and had much to offer the world and it hurt my soul. I'm not expecting pity or that "awww moment". What I do hope for is if you're this kind of man or woman; stop doing this today. Be the parent to your child that they need you to be. Be their light at the end of their tunnel when all seems dark and hopeless. Love them unconditionally even when they don't love or believe in themselves. Because they can be broken like I was, hateful like I use to be, and go down that path in life that they didn't even have to if you were there to say I LOVE YOU even if they didn't love themselves. 

       I love you dad; even though I feel like you never expressed your love to me. I'm here even if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to believe in you, though you never believed in me. And I genuinely forgive you even though you never forgave yourself for what you did to me. You've got to let what has happened to you go because you will never be able to be the man you we're suppose to be if you don't. You must believe that GOD can fix anything because he has fixed me. And all I have aspired to be is because of your lack of being there. And I don't say any of this because of anger or hurt; I say this because you know I am right, so make your wrongs right by admitting what you're too afraid to admit to yourself, which is you're hurt. That you want to cry and love and give what was never given to you because your father abandoned you too. Forgive your father; because I have forgiven mine already. And I promise I will NEVER make the same mistakes that you did; I will never forget those that mean the world to be like you have, but I will be strong like you are because I am you and you are what I will never be, which is scared to love. But it's not your fault because the one who should have showed you to tie a tie, and love a woman and take care of his family was never there like you weren't there for us. But I want to leave you with this thought though; mistakes man us human, and life won't always be easy, but the decision to right those wrongs will only lead us to change for the better. Not only for ourselves but for those who look up to us. And even when we fuck up and make those mistakes, WE have to make sure we are able to deal with those consequences for our actions. Sometimes Goodbyes aren't always forever; but new beginnings of change can happen when we attempt to create that change. So I chose to be the man you should have been for me, but I thank you for making me realize that even though you were nowhere to be found. I love you dad; and thank you for your mistakes...

The "Portrayal"

I'm trying to balance being a man and the man I want to be and see the future even before it's here. I Don't believe in complacency but I'm comtiplating on the next level you see. The here and now isn't even good enough for me and I don't care who I could have been but more so who I am going to be. Would I sell my soul just to get what I deserve? Balancing life like I'm standing on a tightrope... Praying for hope hoping what I pray for comes into fruition. Banking that the fruits of my labor will be ripe enough to blossom into the prosperity I so long and hope for. I have a girlfriend I love more then my own self, I would bleed the last ounce of my own blood into her veins if that would keep her alive and that's all I had to give her. This love is like a never ending stream of the deepest rivers of the abyss. And when we make love GOD is there watching us as we lose ourselves into each other. Intertwing like a knot to a string forming into a bow. This woman has made me want to be a better man to her and my daughter. And I'm scared I'll never be a good enough father because my father never was to me. Blood doesn't make you blood just like reading the bible doesn't make you a saint. Sometimes sinning is the only way to win; I mean look at those who are rich. And what's crazy is we all long for wealth. And every rich person isn't a sinner and every poor person isn't a saint, and sometimes the wolf is the sheep and life is too deep to even understand. When you pray to a GOD you can't even see and try to understand a religion that's been made up when scientist say that the Big Bang theory created this world and I go to church and the Pastor is preaching Jesus walked on water and died for all our sins, but the sinners seem to be the winners? As confusing and jumbled up these thoughts I have are; they make sense. I'm from a city where there are millions who all have the same wants and desires but have different ways of getting it. We ALL deal with Life & Death; two never ending cycles we can't interrupt. The skin I'm in I want to be able to win in this never ending battle to the top that only a few seem to be able to get to. I believe in me even if you won't...I don't expect sympathy; and at times my pride will get in the way but the heart of a man doesn't always define who he is, because we have to adapt to our situations. Always evolving because only the strong survive? I guess even when my ancestors were forced to be in bondage and chains for the rest of their lives, I seem to be here. Expressing thoughts and visions a slave master hundreds of years earlier said couldn't be uttered becaue he couldn't fathom the fact that he is an albino black man? That his skin is only as light as it is because he had to adapt to the cold climate thousands of years earlier? And what I speak of is far from racist but rather a truth too hard to understand to that slave master; so he beats it out of you because he can't put his finger around how he can torment you everyday GOD allows the sun to shine, and you continue to keep your head held high even if your body is broken. I am the direct descendant of KINGS & QUEENS who built pyramids that people said couldn't be made; so they said aliens built them. I share a bloodline to the creators of Math and science, engineers, scholars and authors and individuals of substance. At the end of the day wherever my mind roams off to I remember that I'm not just a man trying to make it; but I am a Legacy that must carry on for the sake the future that those before me couldn't have. My History won't be HIS STORY to tell, but my life will speak for itself. And even when I'm an old man playing with my great great great grandkids, I'll remember that true wealth isn't the value of a dollar but how much value you make that dollar to be. NOTHING has value unless we give it the power to, so there's really no such thing as rich or poor but the value Inwhich we give those labels we portray as life....just think about it.

My Good Bye isn't Forever

I feel alive; awake beyond measure. My thoughts different, my vision much keener, and all that I use to care for doesn't even matter anymore. I want to be successful; but it's not all about the money and fame anymore, it's more so about being financially stable enough to have my family, future wife and our daughter never wanting for anything ever again. It's about being well connected to individuals who have no limits to the success they want to acquire. It's about moving higher; elevating until there is no more room to move. It's about believing and achieving the things people said couldn't be done. It's all about blessing those that have cursed me. Remembering to have honor, respect, dignity and pride for oneself. It's about leaving a legacy that will last for an eternity. Today embarks the year anniversary of my Grandmothers passing; a woman too powerful to explain, even if I had an eternity to expound upon her greatness. The woman who helped mold and shape me into the fearless individual I am. The woman who gave until she had no more to give. Though I want to be selfish and have her here by my side; laughing with her, making jokes and enjoying her presence. GOD needed her back by his side to watch over me. Though my heart is as heavy as a ton of steel, I will celebrate her life. She is no longer here on this cold and unforgiving Hell we call the world. She is no longer suffering from Cancer; losing pints of blood, nearly forgetting who we all were. She lived a long life, and though her flesh is dead, her Spirit will live on forever. So Grammy; I am sad that you're gone, which made a year today, but I thank you. You left an impeccable legacy that I will continue on through my children. Every time the moon rises and the sun sets, I will look upon the Heavens and smile, because I know you will ALWAYS and FOREVER watch over me. This isn't a Good Bye, but a see you later.....

Thin line between wants & needs

I'm battling two sides; the part that knows what I need and the part that knows what I want. You're what I want, who I see a bright future with. The one I want to grow old with, have kids with and get married to. You're the one I want to make love to; look deep into your eyes and let myself go as we connect deeper then we ever thought possible. But are what I need though? I need to make this money, set up my future and build a legacy. I need to provide for myself and my family so we will NEVER have to want for anything. I need to build these companies; build a strong team that strives for excellence, do everything that the non-believers said couldn't be done. I need to stop being so impatient about my future and what it will bring me. I want to give up on dreams because I need to wake up; they may not even happen. But I need to keep on trying because I'm right on the cusp of a break through. I want you to be here by my side holding me down, but I need to let you go because this is journey I have to take alone. Sometimes what we want and need aren't what we think they are but it's up to you to figure that out. It's a thin line between wants and needs; at times those wants are what we need them to be, and those needs are what we want them to be, but we're unsure. It's a battle between the heart and the brain. Wondering should we use our logic or go on pure emotion. We all come at a crossroad in life where we have to decipher the importance of both our wants and needs. It's honestly about keeping a balance; but can it even be done? Sometimes we have to let go of our needs to get what we want. Sometimes the wants have to be put on hold to go after what we'll need. Either way you slice it life is just one big movie, and we have to figure out the ending before the credits roll. Have you figured it out yet.....?

What I should have said

I admit it I fell for you; your smile, your style and everything about you.

I miss you; when it was us, and I won't forget that.

You made me realize that though I am a man with many flaws you cared for me regardless.

Time nor space can change what you and I had going.

It was real on both of our ends, it was nothing ungenuine about it.

The way you would stare deep into my eyes and smile back at me was my reassurance of your Love.

And though you will say you never loved me, your actions showed me otherwise.

It's funny how someone can come into your life and change your perspective on what love really is.

Sometimes I regret what I shared with you, but I realize I was meant to show you the me not many have the opportunity to see.

If I could go back in time to change meeting you I wouldn't; because you were and still in some aspects are an intricate part of my life.

I want to just feel your embrace one more time; hold me tight and never let go.

Why did it have to end so prematurely? Why did we have to let our pride and egos get in the way of "Our Forever".

But sometimes it isn't the right time for a love like ours to fully bloom.

I take responsibility for my actions, and I apologize for placing my insecurities on you.

At times I would ask God how he could bless me with such a great woman like you?

The thought of someone else touching you bothers me; then I realize NO ONE can make you feel the way I did.

It's beyond sex, way past love and honestly the way I feel about you may never change.

God only knows what the future may hold; but just know if we're meant to cross paths once again I won't EVER let you leave my side again my love....

The Damage is done

You ever had so much time and energy invested into someone that you nearly lost sight of your own needs?

You would give your last breath for them to breathe if they needed it.

Minutes feel like seconds when you're together, and hours feel like days when you're apart.

You would nearly do anything to keep them around because they mean that much to you.

And they take and take and nearly drain the very essence of your soul.

You look past everything because of your feelings, giving them a clean slate because you feel like you can get past anything.

When it comes to you they keep score, bringing up all that you have done; reminding you of all your past transgressions.

Now why would you even love this person so deeply if there seems to be no balance?

Everything is one sided and this person clearly has more baggage then you do, but you don't care because you love them?

But this love seems one sided, where you benefit only when the person cares to do something.

How is it that we can love another so deep that it is nearly in the fiber of our very being; but forget to love ourselves?

Maybe I was a hopeless romantic, maybe I was a fool, but God knows I was good to you.

Defame my character and blurted out falsehoods about me that weren't even who I am.

Sitting and comparing me to another, when clearly I am a far better man then he could ever be.

I hope you are happy with what you've done, I remember when we use to have fun; but the anger I feel for how you made me feel may never allow me to view you the same, because the damage is done.

I'm ONLY Human

    I feel like I'm at that crossroad in my life where I'm on the cusp of being great; almost like Job when he lost everything he held close to his heart. He lost his loved ones, his riches and nearly his life...but he kept on going even when it seemed like all hope was lost. I lost my grandmother nearly a year ago this come November, I lost the woman I thought was going to be my everything one day before my birthday and lost my job. You would think that I would have gone crazy; sat and cursed God blaming him for everything, but honestly I thank him. Why you ask? I just realize that my story has to be told some type of way, and honestly life isn't always going to be full of success and happiness. Honestly failure and pain builds character, it makes you appreciate what is meant specifically for you. The day is approaching that my purpose will change this world, and these crossroads are just the stepping stones to build the foundation to a brighter tomorrow for myself.
    
   It's funny because I remember when my mother told me the doctor told her I was going to die while still in the womb. He told her to prepare for the worse, and she and my family were sad; I was suppose to die the doctor said. Twenty-five years later I'm here telling part of my story. Spilling my soul on this website, being as transparent as I can possibly be. I haven't always made the best decisions in my life, played with certain women's hearts, lied, stole and put my family through all types of pain. But as you all sit and point the finger about how much of a sinner I am, I'm over here freeing myself of all the burdens deep within you're too afraid to let go. I just want to finally be a FULL person in my life.

   I just want to stop beating myself for things that weren't my fault like my father leaving my mother, sisters, and I so many years ago. I just want to stop wondering why it's so hard being a young Black Male in America. I don't want to be a statistic, being in the judicial system; making babies with numerous women and continuing a cycle seemingly most black males fall in. Being a Black Male is something only the elite are able to deal with. God made me a Black Male because he realized that I would be able to handle all the adversities that life has to offer me. That I would stand tall after it all and show the world that despite you counting me out I'm STILL here.

   So as I sit here in my room all alone, pouring out all these emotions I have within myself; I realize I'm doing this for the next little boy who's not yet born. That boy that will grow up and change the world, giving of himself as though he is a human sacrifice. Dealing with things MOST people will never be able to handle because it's his walk to deal with alone. There are just some journeys we have to do by ourselves and life is one them. Our parents teach us to understand who we are while the world teaches us to shy away from it. We live in a world where we're made to believe our birth marks are blemishes and that if don't look or act a certain way you're abnormal.

   This world makes you believe skinny is beautiful but too skinny is anorexic. That if you're Thick you're gorgeous, but if you're too thick you're fat. This world makes you hate being black but makes it possible for you to tan yourself. Having big lips makes you have too much black features, but people put collagen in their lips to make them "fuller". So I'm going to sit and beat myself up and look for the approval of those who are more unsure of themselves then I once was? I don't think so.

  For the world to be so big people think so small. The unfortunate part is society has made it ok to point the finger towards someone else; make them feel insecure about all their flaws, so society can mask their own. We're just brainwashed and it's all by choice. The one comfortable enough to rise above conformity and complaceny is a true individual. When will we all get to that point where we stop wearing the mental chains? Freeing our minds of being ok with just being like everyone else, and go out on a whim.

   I was meant to make mistakes, and do all the wrong I've done. But like erasers on pencils I can change and right my wrongs. Life is a test and there's no tutor to help you get through it. It takes heart and all that you've experienced to make you realize that the only true test is coming to the conclusion there is no such thing as perfection. Perfect people don't exist, we're meant to falter and fail. Just remember that though I am unperfect those imperfections make it perfectly ok to be imperfect because I realize I'm only human...

LOVE WITHOUT LIMITS

    It's funny whenever you want someone who wants you just as much as you want them, but you can't even appreciate them. I guess its fear of the unknown; fear that maybe you'll be just as happy as you're suppose to be before something bad happens. That's honestly a very backwards way of thinking; and quite pessimistic too, but that's how we think. It's like the expression "this is too good to be true". Its almost saying that you are none deserving of happiness. That you don't deserve to go through the motions of happiness that will keep a smile nearly painted on your face permanently.

    I'm just going to be honest and say that I'm somewhat fearful to Love someone and to be Loved back. To have a woman love me unconditionally the way I deserve to be. To someone reading this it probably sounds crazy, nearly ungrateful. But I'll dig in a little as to why I am. People Seem to always put their best foot forward whenever they first want the person they desire. You call all the time, text, visit, remember every intricate details about them and it almost seems like perfection.

   You two seem to get closer; it nearly seems like a dream every time you're around this person, something that almost seems like it's out of one of those romantic movies women go crazy over. I remember when my sisters had me watch this all time "Chick flick" called The Notebook. For any of those women reading this know exactly what movie I'm talking about. This movie is like the Holy Grail to women all over. Women swear by this movie and nearly model their relationships after this film. After I was forced to watch this movie I realized that we all seek that forever with someone we truly care for; and potentially Love. Love itself isn't the part that winds up being bad, what it sometimes turns into is whom you chose to love.

   But how can you help who you fall for? And really is it even possible to prevent feelings from arising? My simple yet complicated answer is yes and no. I'll start with No; and the reason why you can't help your feelings at that moment is because when the person is saying and doing all that you feel is right, they can do no wrong in your eyes. You're appreciative of their presence at that moment and nearly feeling like they are your answer to all the hurt you've ever felt prior to them being in your life. It only turns to yes when they have already showed you signs that you two should not be together; but instead you mask it, because in your mind you feel like this is all you truly deserve. This is as good as it gets so you deal with it. Days turn to months, months turn to years, then this "relationship" has turned more into a routine then a commitment between two people that should be happy together.

    We ignore the signs only because we fear that that happiness we thought we could share with this person will happen when they are with someone else. We're scared that we failed; when honestly it isn't us, it's just that the two of you are at separate times in your life. The road you thought you were going down together has turned into separate paths that have more so go in opposite directions then intertwined.
So then the real question turns into "will I ever find the person I'm meant to be with?" Which already is a problem because we're not meant to find or look for love...it finds us when we are READY for it! Yea it sounds cliche, but truth be told it's the most honest statement I can come up with; and If you're truly going to be honest with yourself, you'll realize that its true.
   
    Love might just be the most sought out; intangible thing we all are in search of, and in some ways in need of besides being rich and powerful. I'll tell you something though, I definitely want to love a woman and have her love me just as much, if not more then I love her. To be able to look deep in her eyes and realize that God made her especially for me. And if I'm going to be honest with you, sometimes I feel like I have found her...Not because I was looking for her but because she was placed there in my life and we changed each other and didn't want to admit it because we were both fearful we would be hurt due to the past. Are we together? No...But if two people truly are meant to be together they'll find their way back into each others arms.

   Sometimes you don't know what to feel, where to go or even how to act when you have someone come into your life and they bring something new to the table. At this point in my life I'm realizing my purpose is to inspire others. I recently turned 25 years old on June 24, 2013. I literally made this blog (that will be one of the most popular websites of all time) a year ago on June 25th. You would have NEVER been able to tell me I would still be writing on here and sharing my life. Allowing myself to be an open book for all the world to see. Going through the motions of life and not caring whether I'm being judged or not. I said all that to say we can never truly love someone else if we don't wholeheartedly love ourselves first.

    It took me writing on here for a year to realize in some ways I only loved the idea of love, and in some ways was lustful after it. It wasn't until recently after speaking to a woman who I truly did care for and she and I stopped speaking did I realize what Love has the potential to become...when it's READY. The sad facts is sometimes we do find and come across "the one", but if at that moment it isn't time it won't work the way it's meant to. Never allow yourself to be bitter when it comes to Love because it's truly beautiful. Sometimes you just have to wait it out, but you won't have to wait forever.

   Love that woman/man in the mirror, be good to them and give your very all to that person; because once you do come across the one who was made especially for you, you'll be able to love without limits...