I feel like I'm at that crossroad in my life where I'm on the cusp of being great; almost like Job when he lost everything he held close to his heart. He lost his loved ones, his riches and nearly his life...but he kept on going even when it seemed like all hope was lost. I lost my grandmother nearly a year ago this come November, I lost the woman I thought was going to be my everything one day before my birthday and lost my job. You would think that I would have gone crazy; sat and cursed God blaming him for everything, but honestly I thank him. Why you ask? I just realize that my story has to be told some type of way, and honestly life isn't always going to be full of success and happiness. Honestly failure and pain builds character, it makes you appreciate what is meant specifically for you. The day is approaching that my purpose will change this world, and these crossroads are just the stepping stones to build the foundation to a brighter tomorrow for myself.
It's funny because I remember when my mother told me the doctor told her I was going to die while still in the womb. He told her to prepare for the worse, and she and my family were sad; I was suppose to die the doctor said. Twenty-five years later I'm here telling part of my story. Spilling my soul on this website, being as transparent as I can possibly be. I haven't always made the best decisions in my life, played with certain women's hearts, lied, stole and put my family through all types of pain. But as you all sit and point the finger about how much of a sinner I am, I'm over here freeing myself of all the burdens deep within you're too afraid to let go. I just want to finally be a FULL person in my life.
I just want to stop beating myself for things that weren't my fault like my father leaving my mother, sisters, and I so many years ago. I just want to stop wondering why it's so hard being a young Black Male in America. I don't want to be a statistic, being in the judicial system; making babies with numerous women and continuing a cycle seemingly most black males fall in. Being a Black Male is something only the elite are able to deal with. God made me a Black Male because he realized that I would be able to handle all the adversities that life has to offer me. That I would stand tall after it all and show the world that despite you counting me out I'm STILL here.
So as I sit here in my room all alone, pouring out all these emotions I have within myself; I realize I'm doing this for the next little boy who's not yet born. That boy that will grow up and change the world, giving of himself as though he is a human sacrifice. Dealing with things MOST people will never be able to handle because it's his walk to deal with alone. There are just some journeys we have to do by ourselves and life is one them. Our parents teach us to understand who we are while the world teaches us to shy away from it. We live in a world where we're made to believe our birth marks are blemishes and that if don't look or act a certain way you're abnormal.
This world makes you believe skinny is beautiful but too skinny is anorexic. That if you're Thick you're gorgeous, but if you're too thick you're fat. This world makes you hate being black but makes it possible for you to tan yourself. Having big lips makes you have too much black features, but people put collagen in their lips to make them "fuller". So I'm going to sit and beat myself up and look for the approval of those who are more unsure of themselves then I once was? I don't think so.
For the world to be so big people think so small. The unfortunate part is society has made it ok to point the finger towards someone else; make them feel insecure about all their flaws, so society can mask their own. We're just brainwashed and it's all by choice. The one comfortable enough to rise above conformity and complaceny is a true individual. When will we all get to that point where we stop wearing the mental chains? Freeing our minds of being ok with just being like everyone else, and go out on a whim.
I was meant to make mistakes, and do all the wrong I've done. But like erasers on pencils I can change and right my wrongs. Life is a test and there's no tutor to help you get through it. It takes heart and all that you've experienced to make you realize that the only true test is coming to the conclusion there is no such thing as perfection. Perfect people don't exist, we're meant to falter and fail. Just remember that though I am unperfect those imperfections make it perfectly ok to be imperfect because I realize I'm only human...
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