Hidden Agenda?

As I lay there naked; and ready to please every of your body, for a split second I ask myself why am I here? 

Why am I even having these thoughts now when you chose to give this to me?

Why is it that I am able to detach myself from any form of intimacy, yet I'm here being intimate with you?

Why did you tell me you loved me, then I lied and told you that I loved you back?

Why was I not just honest with you, yet I couldn't be because then I would hurt you?

Why is it that as boys we are forced to be men, yet as men we find ourselves longing to be boys again?

I then take off your clothes; passionately kissing every inch of your vulnerabilty, yet I find myself fighting myself daily to show mine.

Why is that so? Because; It is easier to Climax then climb next to you and let myself go, and let you see my deepest parts of my humanity I chose to throw deep into the abyss of my emotions masked with male bravado and masculinity. 

I just want you to love me for me, can I just be me and not what the world wants me to be?

Why can't I just be honest with myself? Because it is easier to believe a lie then to dig deep down in my own soul and expose the true me. 

The Truth is hard to face when you have yourself to be honest with....TO BE CONTINUED

GOD, why did you make me BLACK?

     GOD may I ask you a question? Why did you make me? Why did you love me? And why did you allow your "only begotten Son" to die for my sins? What made me so special and unique to be able to think the way that I do? Why do you love me; but why allow those that hate me so, to hurt me? Why did you make me black? Why did you allow slavery to last for hundreds of years; yet the physical chains no longer in plain sight, the mental bondage I have within me I struggle with so I don't conform to what I'm suppose to do to bigotry. At times I hate you because the things you do is like a witness to a crime that does nothing but sit back and watch. Yet in other instances you're like a parent merely guiding me in the direction of understanding who I truly am. What is good and who is truly evil? What is evil, but are they really good? The things I thought I knew seem to become such a contridiction the older I become. It just seems to me like a complicated puzzle piece that will never truly come together until I fathom that fact that all that I seem to believe I understand is not really what it is. It's the underlying piece that can't be seen with the naked eye that is the truth, and not the surface piece that I'm forever to bare witness to, that has no real purpose in the first place. The fact that we as people give titles and importance to insignificant things; only proves that we won't ever truly understand one another the way we could, if we just respected what the other thought or felt, even if it wasn't our own ideas. The sad part I have come to realize is even if we didn't find importance in race, religion, color, social classes or beliefs; we would still find a reason to make the other seem inferior or superior, because what would define us would only be how we view things. The fact the one person sees the glass as half full while the other finds it half empty; when in fact the only true importance is realizing that there's a cup there to begin with. Why is it an issue to ask why? Why is it such an issue for a person to want to believe in the the things unseen and not yet formed; and is this truly such an outlandish way of thinking? Is it really a far out way of thinking, or is it just a way for those who are inferior to place those truly superior in a box? 

       The fear of the "unknown" is what people fear the most. The things that they themselves can not control or manipulate because they were not the ones to create or enforce whatever it was that was unique in the first place. And when I say "they" I mean those too afraid to tap into their fullest potential, so they make you feel like your potential in unattainable. The ones who just made the mark or don't want to be anything more then they already are. The people who hate who they are but hate the ones who want to be more then who they already are in the first place. What really makes a person who is rich better then a person who is poor? NOTHING! But how you ask? Because WE give value to things that have NO value in the first place. The reason why there is such thing as a government and rules and rich and poor is because there are people who chose to make things that they want others to believe as "structured". But is this structure that seems to be enforced and seemingly effortlessly put into place made to help us or is it really a hindrance? The fact that we have police officers who are put into an academy for eighteen months to be taught to protect and to serve us are the same people out to hurt hurt us. Targeting a certain set of people just because they are different? Doesn't that sound almost like Al Qaeda? What makes the ones who are considered "Law Enforcement" so difference to those who are Into intense radicalism and the inhalation of people for no justifiable reason; oh I know why, because they are upholding to the law right? Yet the same laws that were teaching these "cops" courtesy, professionalism and respect are putting tears to the faces of mothers and fathers to parents like those of Michael Brown. Where's the justice in hurting innocent people? Where's the CPR way of life in all that unnecessary chaos the police seem to be getting away of?

       Though the chains are long gone; and one man can't be sold to another, black mothers fear that their sons will be sold to the highest bidder that is irreversible to come back from....death! And the Angel of death is definitely meeting the quota by not having a shortage of black males to take along with him. I'm just a Black male in America trying to not only find my place in this world but make a difference while I'm in it. I don't come from wealth and I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but I have been destined to do things that others said couldn't be done. If we're going to go by what society has stated; I'm suppose to be a criminal, dead or living the rest of my life as a felon. I'm twenty-six years old now and I've never even been to prison or have a record. No felony nor misdemeanor no nothing. Just a man who is in love with his wife and kids and family. So I should be marked a criminal just because of the hue of my flesh? I am as good as a slave almost because my ancestors were? I like to tell people that slaves were not on those ships being shipped to places all over this world several hundred years ago. They were doctors and lawyers, architects and entrepreneurs, scientist, mothers and fathers, NOT SLAVES! They were simply being oppressed by people too inferior to realize that the only reason they feared these people is because they were much more superior then they were. These people made social classes and made math and science. They did things that others were too afraid to do themselves. So what happened was they were taken into slavery to rebuild things that those who oppressed them could NEVER create in one-thousand lifetimes if they tried to. And that is how America was recreated into the seemingly global phenomena it is now. On the backs and oppression of fearless and brave individuals such as African Americans. A group of people who don't know where they were rooted from, who their ancestors are and whom they are. 

       I am more then my skintone and hue, I am not a nigger or a nigga, I am not a thief or a criminal either. All I am is a man who wants to change the world and help build and do things that help and benefit others. So the real question I have to ask GOD is why did he make me black? Well the answer is simple, GOD only gives his most difficult tasks to his most worthy, and only those who are brave and fearless would be graced to be what I am. This world is cruel and unforgiving, but the first will be last and the last shall be first. Black people have reigned at the top since the beginning of civilization; then for a few hundred years we had to go through hardships, and now we are actually heading back to our proper place on the balance of life. And the government and those in "high places" will do everything in what they consider to be power tear us down; but you've got to be ready, ready to be great at all costs. But when it's all said and done just remember this; it isn't how many times your are at the top that matters, but how many times you rise from the bottom and get to the top! So why did GOD made me Black? It is because I continue on even when all that I have seems to be nonexistent. Even when I'm put in a box I stand out and keep going even when all hope seems lost. I will leave you with this final thought; something I truly believe in and live by, and that is "The one who's fallen and gotten up, is much stronger then the one who's never fallen at all". 

I'm ONLY Human

    I feel like I'm at that crossroad in my life where I'm on the cusp of being great; almost like Job when he lost everything he held close to his heart. He lost his loved ones, his riches and nearly his life...but he kept on going even when it seemed like all hope was lost. I lost my grandmother nearly a year ago this come November, I lost the woman I thought was going to be my everything one day before my birthday and lost my job. You would think that I would have gone crazy; sat and cursed God blaming him for everything, but honestly I thank him. Why you ask? I just realize that my story has to be told some type of way, and honestly life isn't always going to be full of success and happiness. Honestly failure and pain builds character, it makes you appreciate what is meant specifically for you. The day is approaching that my purpose will change this world, and these crossroads are just the stepping stones to build the foundation to a brighter tomorrow for myself.
    
   It's funny because I remember when my mother told me the doctor told her I was going to die while still in the womb. He told her to prepare for the worse, and she and my family were sad; I was suppose to die the doctor said. Twenty-five years later I'm here telling part of my story. Spilling my soul on this website, being as transparent as I can possibly be. I haven't always made the best decisions in my life, played with certain women's hearts, lied, stole and put my family through all types of pain. But as you all sit and point the finger about how much of a sinner I am, I'm over here freeing myself of all the burdens deep within you're too afraid to let go. I just want to finally be a FULL person in my life.

   I just want to stop beating myself for things that weren't my fault like my father leaving my mother, sisters, and I so many years ago. I just want to stop wondering why it's so hard being a young Black Male in America. I don't want to be a statistic, being in the judicial system; making babies with numerous women and continuing a cycle seemingly most black males fall in. Being a Black Male is something only the elite are able to deal with. God made me a Black Male because he realized that I would be able to handle all the adversities that life has to offer me. That I would stand tall after it all and show the world that despite you counting me out I'm STILL here.

   So as I sit here in my room all alone, pouring out all these emotions I have within myself; I realize I'm doing this for the next little boy who's not yet born. That boy that will grow up and change the world, giving of himself as though he is a human sacrifice. Dealing with things MOST people will never be able to handle because it's his walk to deal with alone. There are just some journeys we have to do by ourselves and life is one them. Our parents teach us to understand who we are while the world teaches us to shy away from it. We live in a world where we're made to believe our birth marks are blemishes and that if don't look or act a certain way you're abnormal.

   This world makes you believe skinny is beautiful but too skinny is anorexic. That if you're Thick you're gorgeous, but if you're too thick you're fat. This world makes you hate being black but makes it possible for you to tan yourself. Having big lips makes you have too much black features, but people put collagen in their lips to make them "fuller". So I'm going to sit and beat myself up and look for the approval of those who are more unsure of themselves then I once was? I don't think so.

  For the world to be so big people think so small. The unfortunate part is society has made it ok to point the finger towards someone else; make them feel insecure about all their flaws, so society can mask their own. We're just brainwashed and it's all by choice. The one comfortable enough to rise above conformity and complaceny is a true individual. When will we all get to that point where we stop wearing the mental chains? Freeing our minds of being ok with just being like everyone else, and go out on a whim.

   I was meant to make mistakes, and do all the wrong I've done. But like erasers on pencils I can change and right my wrongs. Life is a test and there's no tutor to help you get through it. It takes heart and all that you've experienced to make you realize that the only true test is coming to the conclusion there is no such thing as perfection. Perfect people don't exist, we're meant to falter and fail. Just remember that though I am unperfect those imperfections make it perfectly ok to be imperfect because I realize I'm only human...