Hidden Agenda?

As I lay there naked; and ready to please every of your body, for a split second I ask myself why am I here? 

Why am I even having these thoughts now when you chose to give this to me?

Why is it that I am able to detach myself from any form of intimacy, yet I'm here being intimate with you?

Why did you tell me you loved me, then I lied and told you that I loved you back?

Why was I not just honest with you, yet I couldn't be because then I would hurt you?

Why is it that as boys we are forced to be men, yet as men we find ourselves longing to be boys again?

I then take off your clothes; passionately kissing every inch of your vulnerabilty, yet I find myself fighting myself daily to show mine.

Why is that so? Because; It is easier to Climax then climb next to you and let myself go, and let you see my deepest parts of my humanity I chose to throw deep into the abyss of my emotions masked with male bravado and masculinity. 

I just want you to love me for me, can I just be me and not what the world wants me to be?

Why can't I just be honest with myself? Because it is easier to believe a lie then to dig deep down in my own soul and expose the true me. 

The Truth is hard to face when you have yourself to be honest with....TO BE CONTINUED

The Worth of Melanin

       Even now as I sit here; thinking to myself what I'm going to speak about, a bunch of different thoughts are rushing through my mind as always. I'm wondering whether or not I'm going to speak about one thing, or a bunch of different things at once. You see, the things I express on these posts are 110% my OWN thoughts and FEELINGS! Something that frankly I've never really been good at when I wasn't writing. Well that's partly true though, I'll more so say I've yet to have someone fully understand where I'm coming from or how I view something. People are so sensitive about what you say to them but don't care how they speak to you. I feel like in so many ways I've always had to water down who I was so that I wouldn't offend other people. I've never been a momentary thinker, I believe in looking far beyond just the here and now. I've viewed myself as having the power to change things around me, believing in myself when no one else did. I have had to learn to celebrate myself even when others have not. I have lost countless times in many things I've been apart of, and yet I still go on. All I genuinely ever really wanted was for people to believe in me, to show me love and support and even befriend me. In many ways my trust in people has always been on alert because in the end people have hurt me or betrayed me on some level. The times I have been at my lowest I feel like all people really did was just leave me to bare it all alone, but that's something I've grown accustomed to doing. You see greatness doesn't happen overnight; and life can be cruel, but you have  got to realize that not everyone who's with you on this race called life will end it with you happily. along the way you lose people and they won't come back, and that's not always a bad thing either.

       I had a woman once tell me that she loved me but she couldn't be with me, and that confused the shit out of me at the time because I just couldn't understand why. How could you love someone as deeply as she still does love me and not want to be with me? The hard truth is sometimes that's just the way life is, and sometimes there isn't any other thought provoking "deep way" of looking at it. You can love someone and realize you two just can't be. Life changes people everyday, and I'm a prime example of that. How I use to be is a totally different person compared to how I am now. depending on who you may ask, that person may tell you their thoughts of me. Frankly at this juncture in my life I don't really care to be everything to everyone because I can't be. It's hard enough to be everything you need to be to yourself, while still being yourself and still trying to make everyone else happy. People may not know this about me, but I sincerely hate to disappoint people. That probably stems from the fact that I felt like throughout my life as a teen and growing up I feel that I disappointed my family more then made them happy. From doing all types of unspeakable wild things while going to one of the worst middle schools on the East side of Harlem; A.E.S (Academy of Environmental Science Secondary School), which by the way doesn't even exist anymore because it was that bad. To fighting almost everyday, stealing, lying acting out, having concealed weapons. My mother, aunts and grandmother (GOD rest her soul) even looked in my room once to see if I had been selling drugs because I was that out of control and had no real grip on my life. 

       Then my Aunts came up with a solution to put me in a private school on the West side of Harlem called MPCA (Mount Pleasant Christian Academy). To be honest this is where I learned that I was a KING and my passion for poetry and writing resented from. I have ALWAYS been intrigued with business. How they run, how to make them better and having the leadership and ambition to drive a business to the pinnacle. I have always taken pride in my mind and how it works, pushing my brain to peaks far beyond what others think is possible. To be honest I have to give MPCA that credit because they made me believe in myself. They made me realize that I wasn't just another statistic. That where I grew up didn't make a difference to how successful I was going to be in life. We went on international trips, we learned how to appreciate being BLACK when the world made us feel like being Black was a sin. We fed the homeless, worshipped and prayed. I feel like that was some of the best times of my life to be honest. I felt like there were others like me who grew up where I did and appreciated me for who I was and let me be myself without judging me. I owe those teachers and the Principle of that school more then I could ever pay back to them. I also owe the Blue Niles Rights of Passage because that program taught me to also appreciate being a "Strong Intelligent Black Man"! My cousin and I went to that program every damn Saturday for Nine months before we Both went through the "Passing Through" Ceremony that also had some shaping in my life. We had to memorize a creed, had to learn "Lift Every Voice and Sing", learn health and wellness, economic awareness, we had to wear a Dashiki and Kufi. It was the embodiment of appreciating your Blackness and not being ashamed of it. 

      Now there wasn't always a time in my life where I loved being Black the way I have for a very long time now. I use to not feel Black enough being aound other Black children because I was told "I speak too white". Now as ignorant and far from the truth as that may be; I can't even blame them for that, because they we raised to think that way. To lessen what it means to be Black, and make what greatness you have be so small because the world makes it seem like it's nothing. Look at the images on Television and the potrayal of Black Women and Black Men. That all Black people are lazy and all we do is live off of food stamps and collect goverment assistance. That every Black Man leaves his family and the Black woman has to be a father and mother to their children. That the Black Woman is loud and angry, and has major attitude issues. That Black Women and Black Men have many children from different mothers and fathers. That all Black Males are career criminals and sell drugs and go to prison. That all Black Men and Women have countless children but never get married. To make things even worse Complexion and Color amongst Black people are at an all time high, when we are ALL BLACK no matter the hue of our complexion. It just seems to me that throughout life we are programmed as Black children that we're all bad. That we won't be anything more then worthless. About four years ago I watched this documentary called "Dark Girls" that actually came out on November 11th 2011. To make a long story short this documentary discussed the deep rooted biased behaviors that Dark skin Women, outside and within American culture face on a daliy basis.  It broke my heart to see this documentary because I just wish that we showed each other the love and appreciation to one another that is deserved.

      I for one have and will ALWAYS WILL Love, Adore and Appreciate Black Women. Not only for their strength, but for their love and greatness that they hold. To see on the news that these Black women have been missing and there is no REAL news or out cry about it is extremely mind boggling. 
And what angers me more then anything else is the fact that this has been going on for this long and we are just now hearing about this? How I even found out what was going on was through my Social Media, then actually doing research about this issue, and finding out this goes back way farther then this year. To know that there actually is a Black Market where my whole entire body is up for sale and there are people out there that will pay top dollar for it is appalling and evil! 
So I am not suppose to protect and look out for Black Women when there is actually heinous things like this going on? To know that this is nothing new http://aggregatepress.org/organ-trafficking-melanin-theory-the-fountain-of-youth/ , and this type of ungodly shit is happening and no one seems to even bat an eye because it involves Black women. Why does it seem like whenever there is an issue involving Black people we are overlooked? Even this latest ad by Pepsi with Kendall Jenner; just adds more anger to what I already feel when it shows the respect people don't seem to have for Black women, or for the struggles Black people face on a consistent basis. 
       There is something that I want to leave you with no matter who you are; realize that Black people are and always will be an elite group of individuals, no matter what negative box you place us in. No matter the negative stigmas you loom us with or the hatred you show us because we love who we are.  It doesn't matter how many times you make us look bad or the falsified statics you continuously spew against us, we will ALWAYS RISE above it ALL! It matters not that you had us shackled in chains and made us slaves because slaves weren't on those ships. Kings, Queens, Judges, Lawyers, Scientist, Mathematicians, Artists, and Leaders of the Future were on those ships. No matter what labels you may place on Black People, remember we are here to stay. To shape this world and be the creators of a new tomorrow today. "I am so tired of waiting, Aren't you, for the world to become good and beautiful and kind? Let us take a knife and cut the world in two and see what worms are eating" -Langston Hughes

The Bravery in being Great

       I don't know, it's so hard to face this world not knowing exactly where you fit in all of it. All this chaos, it almost feels like you're in a burning room with nowhere to escape. That you're looking for that "light at the end of the tunnel"; but instead, all you continue to see is darkness all around. You lose all the motivation that you have. Nothing seems to be going right, you feel like you're of no use to anyone. And the only time you really do matter is when people are gaining something from you. I feel used, like I'm only beneficial when I have something that people need from me. I feel like a alien in a foreign world, and I don't really belong. I feel like I've lost more then I have gained. But what I have gained despite it all is something that I can't replace. I feel like defeat has made me stronger, and I realize that my time is coming. I can't sit around and feel sorry for myself; or even blame others for not getting what I deserve to have, even if they were the cause of my temporary downfall. You can't weigh greatness on a scale, the true value of that greatness lies on how you use it. As well as the lives that you affect. I use to try to base my success on how well others were doing at the time. Then I  began to realize that you can't. Why would I base my success on others when they won't be able to do what I CAN and WILL accomplish? Who I am to short-change myself? Who am I to even doubt my own greatness?

       See it's human nature to base all that you have and don't have by what others have. That's why when you eat something that is someone else's it seemingly tastes better. Or when you see someone who you believe is more successful, attractive or better then you are we tend to emulate that person. We feel that we are not as great without having that exact or similar trait or quality that person has. I feel that admiration is an inspiring delight. It is good to appreciate an individuals work ethic, what they have or even how they look. Just don't allow that to be the sole basis of how you may deem your own "success". We tend to seek out approval from people who truthfully aren't as great as we are even if we feel they are successful. Truthfully those that you look up to may not even be that great. Greatness isn't just about what you possess or what you have accomplished, it's also about how much you have helped others become great as well. We fall in love with how something seems to look, not really knowing everything about it. We even find ourselves trying to compare and contrast all that others have, when in reality what they have my be good for them but not great for you.

       I am learning more in my life that being "good" at something and being "Great" at something are two different things. Just because something looks good doesn't mean that it is. For example; someone that I befriended when I was younger, was and still is affiliated with very prominent music artists. In fact, I myself know countless individuals throughout all channels of successful avenues in many platforms. I just have never been the type of person to ride the wave of another's success and emulate it as my own. I would much rather prefer to do things my own way and get my "buzz" off the beat of my own drum. Anyway; I believed at some point in my life that this person was getting all types of "success", because they seemed to be able to get things that appeared unreachable to me. We actually know all the same mutual people, and we are in the same neighboring part (Harlem). I use to question my own greatness because it looked good to see them have all those successful people around. Seeing them in photos together and having these celebrities even vouch for this person. I wanted that for myself; but a part of me always felt like I didn't need to do it that way, because people would see how great I was in MY OWN TIME. See, we tend to forget that not every time is the right time, and the time for someone else's successes have no bearing on our own.

       We get so caught up in how good something else looks for someone else, that we lose sight of how great we will be. Moreover, this person relied heavily on how successful they were on the successes of the people who are already successful. To me that is a sure way of living in the shadows of others, and I am too great to allow myself to ever do that. I also didn't deceive people, or steal their ideas and fabricate them as my own as they have. They also only dealt with people and aligned themselves with those they saw potential in. Clinging on to them not because they sincerely believed in them or their visions, but to stay relevant through that individuals hard work and success. I have expounded on that to express, don't base anything off of how things appear. Don't fall in love with appearances, believe in yourself even when others don't. Believe in YOUR potential and NEVER doubt it. Just be yourself and the RIGHT people will align themselves with you. Stop trying to seek the approval of others and just aim for the highest plateau. Don't box yourself in EVER because even placing yourself in one is limiting your own potential.

       I researched how well this blog was doing since I first started this years ago; and even with me going on a hiatus for nearly a year, and not writing on this daily as I use to, I have had nearly 10,000 views on this blog internationally. I have even had people write back to me, even telling me that they don't like what I wrote or expressing an opinion on how much that they do love it. To me that means people find relevancy in what I write and I am appreciative of that. There is no such thing as overnight success, and stop trying to base what you feel success is on how others view it. Stay in your own lane and do it YOUR WAY, and I guarantee others WILL FOLLOW YOU! I believe in myself even if others do not. I have learned to celebrate myself even if others may not. One thing that I do know is I am on the road to greatness, and NO ONE will stop that for me. I am a work in progress, but my progression is paying off. Remember; "Anyone can be good at what they do, but it takes bravery to be great just when being good is enough"!

        

       

My Plight with America

  I find myself waking up often.  wondering exactly what my purpose is. Am I fulfilling exactly what I am destined to do? Or am I just content with complaceny; conforming to being complacent because of my fears of my own progression? Fearful that maybe what I'm going after may not even make me great. It's often stated that we fear the unknown because we are not sure exactly what it will bring or where it will take us. I on the other hand have an inkling where my progression will take me, I just don't want to fail. I don't want all the tears, heartache, trails and tribulations to be in vein because of a "dream". So much has happened to me, I've lost so much and have grown up. I just turned twenty-five on June 24th, and I look back and ask myself what have I sincerely fulfilled?

   To be honest that definitely is a pessimistic way of thinking; but for me to sit and act like I don't have moments of doubt like I do at this point in my life would be a farce. I live life and love just like everyone else. I enjoy the fruits of my labor and want a family, to be married and be successful just like everyone else.
What makes me different from everyone else is I don't have the luxury of just giving up, for a lot of different reasons. One of those reasons being that I am a Male of African Decent (African American). To some this may mean nothing, to me this means everything. Why you ask? Well I'll explain the best way possible.

  I find myself reading all types of things, trying to inform myself with as much knowledge as possible. Like all muscles of the body you have to train your mind often; giving it as many supplements as it can handle. Pushing it to it's limits so you can have the results you deserve. I said all that to say that knowledge is power and without it you can find yourself misinformed about plenty. Now whether people want to hear it or believe it we don't live in world where African Americans are so accepted, especially the males who are black. I'm not saying this from a close minded perspective or pessimism, it's a fact. I myself have gone through MANY situations where I have been treated differently or viewed in a particular way until I have opened my mouth or expressed myself.

  I sincerely believe that people believe exactly what they hear in the news; on the television, in the papers, on the internet. Any platform where a plethora of people can read it or see it I guarantee that a negative stigma about African Americans will be displayed. Sadly in some ways African Americans are to blame because we ALLOW people to stamp us and do nothing to change that. We just accept it because we're tired of defending ourselves from people who don't care if what is being stated is false.

  Before someone tries to twist what I am saying around I am not saying every black person is doing this; it is specifically to those who are, but we ALL as people of African Decent must genuinely take a stand. The many injustices faced on a regular is mind blowing. From the police, the media, other people and in some ways how we treat one another disgusts me. I read something today called "A letter from the Ku Klux Klan" that was disheartening; but what was sad was what they were saying was accurate. Not 110% but partly and it angered me.

   This issue of "race" in our society seems to have gotten worse. It doesn't matter that our president is black or that the 27 Amendments were formed; or it doesn't matter that the Emancipation Proclamation was made, we live in a society of racism and bigotry. It's amongst each other with the bs of "light skin" Vs "dark skin"and who's better or worse. The fact that it is already predestined that as a Black male you will probably be incarcerated, be a "baby daddy" and have no education. We have been conditioned to hate and fear the police and they have been conditioned to fear and hate us.

   It seems to be fine if you execute or slaughter all in the name of "justice". But when you look deep down inside yourself; exactly what injustices are you protecting society from? Who exactly are committing things that would make you feel like you need some level of protection from? I bet some people have already gotten an idea as to who, and though you may not admit it externally, internally you have already stated it.
We live in a society where prejudice is thriving but we sit and accept it and act like it's the norm which is unfortunate.

   I am twenty-five years old and my mother is still afraid every time I leave her house. I don't want to live in a world where I have to be afraid that someone may shoot me or that I'll be imprisoned because of racial profiling. Who wants to live in a world where the ONLY reason I may be able to get a good job; even when I'm very qualified, is because the company has to seem like it's an "equal opportunity employer." Some may say "Derrick you are looking far too deep into the situation, everyone isn't a racist." That part I am well aware, but until you have walked in my shoes and the shoes of others who are black like me; then you can't tell me without exactly saying it "get over it".

   Issues of slavery, false imprisonment, racial profiling, the list can go on until my fingers go numb from writing; and these and so many others just as serious seem to get the attitude "get over it" and why? Why get over it when we can put people in prison for killing animals but have the police walk free for murdering a boy handcuffed that was complying with everything they asked him to do? Get over the fact that a man like George Zimmerman could walk free for killing Trayvon Martin, but give Marissa Alexander TWENTY YEARS for setting off warning shots IN THE AIR just to PROTECT herself from an abusive husband? These issues aren't worthy of being angered over? I have to get over it? Well it seems like I didn't get the memo when it says I lived in the "United States"; but we're all united until issues involving African Americans surface.

   I guess this is what society is getting protection from; but what it really appears to be is the world protecting itself from annihilating blacks literally and figuratively, then masking it as "protection".

   I will also state that I am highly disappointed in those individuals who find is appropriate to partake in the ignorance of the issue of racism amongst one another. That individuals deem it appropriate to make the "light skin vs dark skin" issue a battle. What you don't understand is black folks come in ALL shapes and sizes, colors and hues; we are the ONLY group of people that do, and that should be waved like a banner of honor NOT as a problem. If you truly want to be informed about where the thoughts of "superiority" amongst each other comes from Google the Willie Lynch letters. He is the man who was named after lynching and the person who indoctrinated the methods of thoughts so many people of African decent carry. As I stated earlier STAY informed. Realize why you do or say some of the things you deem "normal" and question yourself as to why.

  It is issues like the ones I have stated and so many others that make me fight for my beliefs. That make me strive for a better future where race and color are not an issue whatsoever. I just want us ALL, no matter what your background is to come together as ONE race; which is the HUMAN RACE! My grandmother use to say that there was no such thing as race amongst people, that we are all one in the same and that the only things that does separate us is our beliefs. I wish that were true and that simple. We have to inherit a mentality like we did when we were children; where we don't see color or complexion, but we see a person. A person that may not look like us or even come from where we come from, but we accept them anyway because we all represent the same thing;Humanity...

Congratulations Gabby Douglas!

   First off; I want to say that I'm sincerely proud of Gabby Douglas and her great Achievements. The fact that she was able to get an all around gymnastics Gold medal, as well as being the very FIRST African American to achieve this is far beyond anything that can be said. There's sincerely not one particular word that I can use to say how proud of Gabby Douglas I am; and I appreciate her humility also. She is the first one of ANY generation in gymnastics to achieve such a feat. The fact that she hasn't allowed this to get to her head is beautiful. Gabby was the underdog that took it ALL! She's got a 90million dollar sponsorship with Kelloggs cereal to prove it too!

   What's even more crazy is I'm sure that Kelloggs Cereal won't be the only sponsorship she will probably be receiving either. This story just let's me know that it doesn't matter what people say about how far you're going to go, if you're destined for greatness your light will shine brighter then the rest. A young 16 year old who months earlier wasn't even suppose to make it to the Olympics was the one who took home gold and made history while doing it. Congratulations again Gabby Douglas, you definitely inspired me to believe that nothing is too great for God and nothing is too great as long as we believe!

I Come from Royalty

     People always get really sensitive when I advocate for people of African Decent. But Why? I'm African American & I love what I, and have embraced the notion ever since I could fathom who I was. When others talk about anything involving Black people, the very first thing (and seemingly the only thing) people talk about is slavery. Now as broad and deeply rooted as our rich history and traditions are, black people have contributed WAY more then slave labor to the world. The strong individuals that were forcibly placed into bondage were NEVER slaves, but rather turned into slaves. There is definitely a huge difference between the two.

     I realize that slavery is apart of my history & I truly do understand that part, but to simply just make it appear as though that is the only aspect of Black people is beyond insane. We have contributed MOST of what the WORLD uses and takes advantage of on a consistent basis. Things which if they did not exist the world may have not been the same without it. I would be writing forever if I truly spoke of the contributions Black People have contributed. The proof is all there in what we use and see each and every day we open our eyes. NEVER doubt or second guess the place in society People of African Decent are. You can go by the news and statistics all you want to, However, I know that my rich history and traditions don't lie in what others see me as or what others feel. It is what is factual, and the contributions given far outweigh any mistakes that we as a people have EVER done.

    Remember Black People ruled the WORLD, & we may not be as we once were, but I guarantee we will be even better once we unite & remember our purpose!

Underwater sculpture in Grenada Honoring African Ancestors

 It's pieces just like this one in Grenada that not only makes me continue to love art as much as I do,  but makes me appreciate the fact that I am an African American also. When I saw this I was in awe,  I am  intrigued by the craftsmanship of the individuals who made this work of art. We need things like this in America,  but honestly I doubt there will ever be something this beautiful and bold that is made here.  I ask myself why though? Because America was made on the backs and unwilling bondage and labor of people who taught the world how to read and write. I always tell people that I am royalty, that I come from scholars and architects who shaped and crafted how we view the universe. It might be hard for a lot of people to stomach this notion, However it's the TRUTH!  You can say whatever you will about Black people,  how we are nothing but bad individuals who do nothing but wrong.  BUT when you see things like this sculpture,  I hope that this is some level of reassurance that our tie to the WORLD will FOREVER be here!  As long as there is land and sea, WE WILL be here.  Say what you will about us but you can never say that that the world would be much brighter if we were never here to contribute to it.  

This underwater sculpture of the slaves being thrown overboard is beautiful, I just wish I could meet the people who crafted it. I would tell them thank you for your contribution,  because when I saw this I sincerely felt something.   I honor those who paved the way for me,  because without their sacrifice and pain,  I wouldn't have been able to write posts like this one.  Thank You,  because your pain was my gain and I will FOREVER be grateful for your that.