Quiet Space

It’s interesting how the people that “Love you” are the ones who hurt you the most. How they cut so deep; to the very core of your being, to the point that they can make you feel like nothing. These are the people who teach you how to be insecure about yourself. The ones who remember all the bad you’ve done but only temporarily speak of your good. These are the people that you call “family” the ones you call “friends” the ones who you would do ANYTHING for even if they treated you bad. As I think about it, we don’t learn about betrayal and heartache & pain from the outside world yet, we learn all of that AFTER we have experienced it in the quiet spaces of our little world within....

Reality

Sleepless nights with nobody but my thoughts and inner self to listen to me. 

Feeling lonely, like I want to be loved but I haven't loved myself in a long time.

Now I love me and I wonder if now I have time to love anyone else but me?

My heart is filled with all the love I can give but it always seems like I never give enough though.

I'm out here hoping and wishing I can be the man I never had around me.

And I feel bad for my dad; he just had a heart attack Friday, and I was sad but we reap what we sow.

I don't wish any anything but the best for the man who was never there for me.

He came back into my life when he thought I was having twins; and when they died because a doctor carelessly made the wrong decision, he was gone like the heartbeats of my unborn kids.

Seems like my life for a long time was a roller coaster of endless negativity.

And the people I thought was riding by my side was'nt fucking with me.

I find myself looking at other peoples babies, feeling sad because I just want my own little one.

Someone to look after and love the way I wanted to be loved. 

And for awhile I loved someone else's child like she was my own daughter; love and nurture her like I was there the day she was born, tried to be the daddy to her I never had.

But all I heard was I wasn't giving her the things she needed; that all I did was strike fear in her, I was even told I was just like my father.

How can I be like the man who was never there when I was always there? 

Hell I was in that girls life more then the biological father she never even knew, that made it apparent he didn't want to have anything to do with her.

Yea I came in her life when she was five going on six and now she's seven, but that's more birthdays then her "Real" father was apart of.

Having people tell me I'm not her real dad; but I'm the one showing her how to tie her own shoes, teaching her how to read, going to every parent teacher conference meeting and paid for her sixth birthday when no one else had money to do it. 

I even got her into a school that was the top school in East Harlem, but I'm not a good father?

Paid for bills in a home where people made me feel like I didn't belong, moved there just to be around the woman I would have given my heart out of my own chest if she needed to survive. 

But she left me because I just wasn't the same?

How could I be the same when shit in my life wasn't the same, and all I wanted you to do was be there for me. 

And I gave you EVERYTHING; even babies that I would have raised like I was raising the little one you already had, if GOD hadn't taken them before I had a chance to say I loved them. 

And it angers me because you made it seem like I was the worse man in the world, you probably even talked bad about me to other people. 

And thoughts of what you could be doing have raced through my mind 

How the way you feel about me could change in two months when we were together for nearly two years and I knew you for three.

It's interesting how people can be here today and gone in an hour. 

What happened to us having unconditional love for one another forever?

I forgave myself when no one else did because deep down I never forgave myself. 

I blamed myself for a lot, but you can't go around in life feeling sorry for yourself.

But God never gives us more then we can handle, and Lord knows that I've handled a lot. 

I'm just out here believing and grinding for that top spot. 

Trying my best to be a man that I was never taught to be by my father.

Trying to make sure that my mother doesn't have to work another day in her life again.

Attempting to leave a legacy that will evolve history forever and do everything people said couldn't be done.

The best lesson I could have learned was "sometimes you have to encourage yourself".

Be your own support system even if no one else supports what you do. 

Stop trying to be everything to everyone and forget to do nothing for yourself. 

Remember Dreams only move forward when you give them feet to roam; without breathing life into that thought, your reality will cease to exist and be but a dream!

Be the light in your own life you try to shed on everyone else's life; because when your own light gets dim, the only person that can reignite that internal flame of yours, is you....

IX XX MMXIII

   I love you, for who you are and who you are destined to be. I accept who you were and who you are, because who you are will change this world. Yes people will laugh at you and make you feel like your dreams are unreachable, the ones who you hold near and dear to your heart will leave you and the ones who you invest all your time and energy in will suck the very fiber of your being out of your soul. You will second guess yourself because you fear that what you hoped for will be unreachable. You will feel sick to your stomach with fear and at times you will hold yourself back because of that doubt. But deep down you know that EVERYTHING will be in your favor. How can you be who you're destined to be if you don't walk in that faith of knowing that you're predestined for greatness? Life will bring you down and tear you down and make you feel like nothing. However; at that very moment when you've given all that that's deep down inside, and you feel like you've given the last bit of who you are into what you believe can't be done, at that moment you'll see that ALL adversities faced, you will overcome them. Love you, appreciate and accept YOU;  because besides GOD loving you, self love is the most important love you'll ever have. 

      We often seek love from everywhere and everyone because we seek some level of validation. We believe that having so many people around us and having every lavish thing you can think of makes us who we are. But if you think about it, how can you seek to have material things and inconsistent people validate what type of importantance you have? I have had a tough few years in my own life. Losing twins that I genuinely wanted, losing a relationship that I truly was invested in, losing myself because I wanted to be everything to everyone and still not being who I was. And GOD took all of that and so much more that I haven't even written here. And it was at that very moment of finally losing a long term committed relationship that I genuinely wanted to be apart of, that I realized that it was not meant to be. Frankly I have nothing but great things to say about the woman I was with because she was and still is a great, ambitious, loving, caring and outstanding woman. She was everything I could have ever hoped for. She was the woman that showed me that even when I'm down she's there to pick me up. I guess with me writing so many remarkable things about her you wonder why we didn't last. Well it's because how can two walk unless they agree? How can two people be together even if they love one another if they have lost sight of who they are? How can you love a person with every fiber of your being and not love yourself?

      For me I've always felt the need to seek validation from the ones that I hold so near and dear to my own heart. I've always felt the need to prove my love and allegiance to people that mean something to me. What I've come to realize however is that you can not be everything to everyone else and nothing to yourself. How can I tell you that you're beautiful and that you're the best thing that GOD ever created if I can't and don't believe that about myself? It contradicts so many different things when you have that warped way of thinking. I've always been a very laid back and quite person upon meeting people. I usually stay to myself and give myself the opportunity to get to know people before I actually open my mouth and converse with them. Honestly people are so judgemental of you that it can be hard to be yourself. What I'm here to express is that even if someone doesn't like who you are; they are forced to respect it because you are being who you are, caring less about what they think. Now I am not saying that you should be mean or disrespectful and have the mindset "this is who I am and you're just going to have to deal with it" way of thinking. What I am saying is if you're who you are without thought of really caring about the opinions of others, then people are just going to accept it. We often try so hard to have people shape and mold us into what they believe we should be when they themselves aren't even comfortable in their own skin. 

     Now I loved and still do love the woman I was in a relationship with for almost two years, and have known for almost three years. I don't hate her and I genuinely want her to be happy even if it's not with me. My own pride would say that I don't want her to be with anyone else but with me, but then I would be selfish. If it's meant to be it will be, you don't have to force anything. I could have done a lot differently but if I'm going to be honest I would have not been able to; because it wasn't until things truly went down hill and I was meant to find who I was, that I came to the realization of things. It's only through chaos and anarchy that you realize what peace truly is. You can never truly appreciate the finer things in life; if you have never known what it took to actually go after it, when you had nothing at all.  To be honest with you I feel lost; like I'm alone and that there in a hole in my heart where she laid so peacefully, like a baby lay sweetly on the bosom of his mother. But sometimes the most beautiful love has to end for you to realize that maybe it wasn't the best love. Maybe it wasn't the only love. Maybe it wasn't the right time to have that love. Whatever the reason may have been that the love I wanted more then I wanted to breathe didn't work may forever be a mystery. Sometimes life is just that complex that the answers won't ever really have one real direct answer. 

     Won't you stay with me until we grow old and watch our children have children? When we sit on the porch and drink a cold glass of lemonade remembering how we use to dream of that house that we always wanted and received. How I told you that we would grow old together and I would die by your side because you are my soul mate. But I'm hurt to the depths of my soul because you're no longer here to endure forever with. Sometimes those I love you's fade away like the storms of yesterday's past into a new day brighter then the last. Now two have become one but that doesn't mean it's the end, but at least for now it is. Life can be a hurtful truth and we will not always like the answers that it hands to us. As life grows and evolves as should we. I honestly haven't grown this much as I have in a long time. Yes I've grown physically and I've been a man for quite some time now, but my mental capacity as a human being has not been this high in such a long time. If I sat down and really told you all the heartache and pain I've endured; the trials and tribulations I've overcome, you would think I was not a human being. I've been predestined for great things since before I was even conceived in the womb. I believe in me even if no one else does, and I live for and love myself even if only GOD loves me. 

     I've expressed this thought to my mother and sisters ever since this year has started, that this is the year of accomplishments. This is the year of believing in your dreams and aspirations even if other people don't. This is the year to move mountains and take that leap of faith even if it seems like nothing is going right. This is the year to do all that you hope, believe in and desire to do, because the time Inwhich you will have to do it again may NEVER happen again. The things Inwhich I will do will cause me to become a billionaire. I will be a man that has influence and my businesses will change the world and how it's viewed forever. I've always believed in leaving a legacy and building something that the generations after can continue to have and flourish with. However; if I'm going to be frank with you, I would have not come back to this way of thinking if I hadn't lost all that I have. I've realized with all that was lost, it is my duty to give back. To continue that "each one teach one" way of thinking that the African proverbs have taught me. I have genuinely forgiven myself for all that I've done and have moved forward. I have left all that once was and have started focusing on what is going to be. I can not and will not make anyone love me or be with me even if they chose not to be. Yes I may cry and be broken hearted, but that is temporary. The memories never fade away it's just that the people do sometimes. 

      I've given all I've had to give and loved as much as I could have possibly loved. September 20th, 2013 (IX XX MMXIII) will forever live in my heart. I won't ever forget that day because that's when I realized what love was. Though it hurts that we couldn't work out I wish you the very best. I've got to live my life and change this world and give all that's inside of me that I wanted to give to you. With all that I have lost; what I have gained has meant more then anything else, and that is my peace of mind...

Don't be fooled, just keep on reading

       I just want to be everything to you, but I can't be everything to everyone. My heart is big; but It's not something that everyone has the pleasure of having. I know that I will fuck up, say things, do things; maybe even make you cry, but I'm worth it. I'm not perfect but I make life worth it. I have a heart that's big as the tallest building but my love isn't as deep as the abyss. I can't be everything to everyone because I'm only ONE person. We tend to always talk about the women in our lives who give and do so much, and I genuinely commend them. But what about the good men out there that seemingly get overlooked? What about the Fathers, brothers, sons, boyfriends and husbands that handle their business in any and every scenario possible? It's always been interesting to me to see women take the opportunity on social media to commend seeing posts and pictures that express how men should cater to their needs and be available to do any and everything that their hearts desires. That all men are dogs and a man should be proud to have her because she's "a blessing from above" . Well here is a post that will give anyone (specifically speaking to women right now) who believe this way of thinking applies in all situations will wind up alone; or better yet, stay alone. A relationship is all about GIVE and TAKE, not just giving or not just taking. It's about a significant level of balance on both ends of the spectrum. Now I am a man that was raised by strong women his entire life. So I for one know far too well what a strong, independent black woman looks like. My mother, grandmother, sisters and Aunts deserve the world and so much more because they did and still do so much. 

       I would never let anyone disrespect or treat them less then great because they are great women; but the way we were all raised, we were taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. To listen, communicate and respect the way Inwhich we expect others to do for us. Frankly I feel women want to talk and never listen, to express but not want to be expressed to and they want you to show them emotions but tell you that you're way too sensitive when you express you are being mistreated by them. I can admit that women get the short end of the stick in quite a few scenarios; however, that doesn't justify the fact that you should cater to your man if you want to be catered to. Now I am not talking about the women catering to a man who does nothing for you emotionally, mentally or physically. That's not a real relationship and not only is it unhealthy; but it will lead to resentment and hatred and cause cheating, and I don't condone that behavior no matter who's doing it. Your love life won't always be filled with kisses and hugs, and honestly it's not suppose to be. But there should be more moments of happiness and smiles then anything else. I can only speak for myself when I say this; I don't expect my significant other to do for me what I do for her every time I do something for her, but I do expect her to do for me the way I do for her. What I mean by that is if I give 100% I expect 100% in return. I've always hated hearing when people say "relationships are based off both giving 50/50". My response right after I hear that is "if both people give 50% then really we're only giving half of what we should in that relationship". 

       People don't realize that it's truly power in words! That what you say to someone can make or break that person. It can alter the very fiber of who they are forever. My mother often told my two sisters and I as children; even now as adults, that it's not what you say it's how you say things. My mother also has told us that sorry doesn't always make situations better; and I'll add on to that by saying, at times the damage has already been done once you spew out that unnecessary hatred you may feel temporaryly. In the heat of the moment we ALL say things we may not mean or fully mean, but it doesn't justify saying it because you're upset at that moment. In that moment you can say something that cuts so deep that person you knew may be someone totally different. It's power in the tongue; and if you have read the bible, clearly it expresses that often throughout passages in the bible. 

       I will say this though; love is a constant battle, and I don't mean arguing or fighting, but a constant changing agent. A union between two people who love one another and will do whatever it takes to preserve what they have. Sometimes in life we tend to take one another for granted. You become so use to having that person around that you become content. Honestly I feel like you get so content that you forgot about that moment you two fell in love. You forgot about how you use to have butterflies every time you heard their name or whenever you saw them. You get so deep into everything that you want and expect to have, allowing yourself to overlook what's right in front of you. When did "WE" turn into "ME"? You've got to swallow your pride and realize that what you have is worth more then the most expensive artifact in the world. I speak from experience when I say that you must adore and appreciate the the little things in life. Don't be so wrapped up in trying to gain the world and lose sight of the ones you hold dear in YOUR OWN WORLD! 

      As a man its human nature for us to be hesitant to be the bigger person and apologize; even if to a certain degree we didn't do something wrong, and it was you that did it. Just don't make it worse by making us feel more bad then we already do. As my sister Autumn has told me; "be graceful when you're right", it's really no reason to make a bad situation. Communication, Respect and Honesty are the three key components in a relationship that seem to get overlooked by people. The deciding factor to me is who can be the bigger person and say they apologize? When you love someone you love them for who they are and not what you can gain from them. It is so rare to have people love each other for no other reason but for the reason of love. It seems to me like people of my generation hold so much emphasis on gaining something because of fear of losing everything. Seeing it happen to their parent or friends or even themselves. It's almost like you're expecting so much because you're fearful that that person will give you nothing back. But like pookie (my mrs) always tells me; "you've got to give for all the right reasons, because people won't always give you back what you've given to them". Frankly she's right! When you cater to or give your loved one something; do it because you want to reassure them of your love for them, and not a ego booster. If I've lost you for a split second; what I mean is don't do anything so you can throw it up later, making it seem like you're so great. You really may be, but do it because you just want to see your loved one happy!

     I know that Eva (my mrs) loves me and there's no one that can express otherwise to me. I've taken her for granted in a lot of instances. She's been the ONLY woman in my life that I've been in a committed relationship with that has loved me for ME! Not for what she can gain or what I can give her, but for me. I remember when I lost my job from a company that let me go due to racism. I felt less then a man because I was use to being a man who provides and she continued to stay with me. That was at the beginning of our relationship; which was a testament to me, which made me realize that she wasn't into me because I was making a lot of money but for the fact I made her laugh and smile. Happiness is key and without it you can lose yourself or maybe even those who mean the world to you. I remember when I would say "I don't want to gain the world, I just want to matter in it". Frankly I still do; but if I don't have the love from my pookie and my daughter and my mother and sisters, fuck everything else! What I do know is I have NEVER loved and will NEVER love another woman the way I love MY pookie bear! Her love is boundless and no one can tell me otherwise. You know who was always there and who never really was there when you are at your lowest. 

        I do hope that I have given someone the opportunity to realize what they have and cherish it, because life has a way of taking away who or what you take for granted. Cater to the ones you love and give of yourself continuously! With us losing twins due to doctor malpractice, dealing with losing family members and a slew of other craziness her love still remains. With love like that I see why I've had to endure so much to get who I'm blessed to have! Hard times build strong people, we endure much to acquire much in the end. Be scared to lose the ones you love because they mean that much to you. NEVER take people for granted especially when you love them...

All Of You

I love you; the way that you smile back at me, the way you stare at me. The love you gave, the love you give and show; the fact that my feelings continue to grow. I was scared to believe that a love like this forever we are building existed, but as I look through your eyes I realize I am blessed. And all that I have stressed has come and gone and now its time to embrace the fact that you are my blessing. My end and my beginning, even when I feel like I've lost I'm winning because I have you...Living life seems much easier because I have you, true love is hard to find but you're here. And every year that passes by and I find myself staring in those eyes again I'll remember that moment I let all my fears go and made you mine. I appreciate your perfect imperfections and with all the life lessons I have gone through; the pain and strain was worth it because I did gain you. If I had to deal with all that I have I would do it all over again just so I could appreciate and have All of You...I Love You.

In Due season

   The Darkest hour in someone's life is when they realize the greatness they hold. It's when they realize that all they have internally will come forth. They will realize that all they believe will be achieved. I've always said that things may not happen when you want them to but they will always happen whenever you need them to. Those words so simple hold so much power and I believe them. I believe them because part of me realizes that all great things don't come overnight, or when we want them to at that moment. If things were that simple to get; how would we truly appreciate something, if we didn't understand the struggle to truly possess it? All great things don't come to an end; all that happens is something new takes the place of it.

   I won't portray myself as a person who knows it all because I don't. I won't say that I have the answers to become successful because I'm trying to figure out the answers myself. What I will say is I'm a man who has gone through a few hardships in my life to shed some light on knowing that better days are coming. Sitting around and waiting for things to change and get better won't do anything. All that will happen is time will go by and you'll find yourself years later; much older asking yourself why didn't you do more, and the only one to blame is one you see in the mirror...Yourself!

   Remembering moments when I was nearly homeless twice; going uptown to the welfare place with my family almost begging to keep our place. Fighting to stay in an apartment my grandmother had in her name for years before she passed away. Remembering how embarrassed I felt being there with my sisters and mother. Feeling like a criminal, giving my social security number; having people say we couldn't even get food stamps because my mother made too much. Then my Aunts stepped in and gave money to make sure we stayed in our home. Our Angels in disguise.

    I remember when I worked my ass off for a a company for only $7.50/hr. Me not being complacent with complacency worked my way up to an assistant manager in less then 3 months. By the time I had been there not even a year I had already been ready to run my own store. But God obviously had other plans for my life so I went from that company to another. Only being there for a month and a half I was respected by everyone I worked with and was treated like I was a manager, though I was just a sales associate. Now no longer working even for that company I truly wonder where my destiny lies?

   I realize that I am obviously meant to create my own companies, orchestrate my own ways of making a living and helping other individuals reach their fullest potential. I read somewhere that if you are truly a leader you do not make followers but create other leaders. I believe those words because I myself have taken the responsibility of realizing I am a leader. Not because I wanted to always be one, because I remember when I didn't; I've come to accept it, even embracing it because I realize that my purpose is to show others the greatness they hold within. Truly understanding other people and accepting who they are is understanding and accepting the person you are first.

    How can I proclaim to be a leader and take on the roles of leadership if I am afraid to lead? Moreover; being a leader is also understanding you don't know everything, and allowing others to lead the way when it is necessary to. You cannot be intimidated by someone else's potential or be angry if those you lead do better then you do; just take that as a sign of who you are, and the kind of people you mold into being great.

   When I find myself writing I don't ever do it for the people already established or those who appear to have it all. I do it for the have nots, the underdogs. I do it for the mother who is a single parent who gives her daughter everything she never had, and wants to be the example of a woman to her daughter she never had growing up. I do it for the man who works three jobs to make sure that his children want for nothing and his wife has the world; and though he is not rich he finds happiness in his family. I do it for those homeless people we already walk pass; judging them, telling each other "they don't have to be homeless", and not even know their story. It's easy to judge the path you never walked down when you yourself have never been down that route.

  I said all that to say that a change is going to come; a shift in fortune will cause you to see that all the trials and tribulations you have suffered, will have not been in vain. You have to believe what you can't see and realize that even when all seems lost everything will work in your favor. I would be a liar if I didn't say that as I'm writing this; I wasn't compelled to give up sometimes myself when things don't seem to go the way I planned for, even when I give my very best. But a part of me realizes that all that pain and hurt is only temporary. That happiness and gain will replace all that has been seemingly lost.

   If I haven't said this already; or you are still unsure what I want you to realize, remember that you have to do what works for you. What's going to make you happy is important. I may not have all the answers to life, I may also not be able to point out the best methods to have you get through whatever hardships or circumstances you're facing either. What I can tell you though is the best lessons are learned through hardships; because they not only show you who you are, but make you realize that there still others going through much worse.

   Trust and believe in your own potential even when it appears that all hope is lost. Remember we all have a purpose in life and we are set here to not only figure it out, but share it with the world. Life will present to you your true purpose in due time, just believe in your potential unseen and remember your greatness from within in.

The Damage is done

You ever had so much time and energy invested into someone that you nearly lost sight of your own needs?

You would give your last breath for them to breathe if they needed it.

Minutes feel like seconds when you're together, and hours feel like days when you're apart.

You would nearly do anything to keep them around because they mean that much to you.

And they take and take and nearly drain the very essence of your soul.

You look past everything because of your feelings, giving them a clean slate because you feel like you can get past anything.

When it comes to you they keep score, bringing up all that you have done; reminding you of all your past transgressions.

Now why would you even love this person so deeply if there seems to be no balance?

Everything is one sided and this person clearly has more baggage then you do, but you don't care because you love them?

But this love seems one sided, where you benefit only when the person cares to do something.

How is it that we can love another so deep that it is nearly in the fiber of our very being; but forget to love ourselves?

Maybe I was a hopeless romantic, maybe I was a fool, but God knows I was good to you.

Defame my character and blurted out falsehoods about me that weren't even who I am.

Sitting and comparing me to another, when clearly I am a far better man then he could ever be.

I hope you are happy with what you've done, I remember when we use to have fun; but the anger I feel for how you made me feel may never allow me to view you the same, because the damage is done.

I'm ONLY Human

    I feel like I'm at that crossroad in my life where I'm on the cusp of being great; almost like Job when he lost everything he held close to his heart. He lost his loved ones, his riches and nearly his life...but he kept on going even when it seemed like all hope was lost. I lost my grandmother nearly a year ago this come November, I lost the woman I thought was going to be my everything one day before my birthday and lost my job. You would think that I would have gone crazy; sat and cursed God blaming him for everything, but honestly I thank him. Why you ask? I just realize that my story has to be told some type of way, and honestly life isn't always going to be full of success and happiness. Honestly failure and pain builds character, it makes you appreciate what is meant specifically for you. The day is approaching that my purpose will change this world, and these crossroads are just the stepping stones to build the foundation to a brighter tomorrow for myself.
    
   It's funny because I remember when my mother told me the doctor told her I was going to die while still in the womb. He told her to prepare for the worse, and she and my family were sad; I was suppose to die the doctor said. Twenty-five years later I'm here telling part of my story. Spilling my soul on this website, being as transparent as I can possibly be. I haven't always made the best decisions in my life, played with certain women's hearts, lied, stole and put my family through all types of pain. But as you all sit and point the finger about how much of a sinner I am, I'm over here freeing myself of all the burdens deep within you're too afraid to let go. I just want to finally be a FULL person in my life.

   I just want to stop beating myself for things that weren't my fault like my father leaving my mother, sisters, and I so many years ago. I just want to stop wondering why it's so hard being a young Black Male in America. I don't want to be a statistic, being in the judicial system; making babies with numerous women and continuing a cycle seemingly most black males fall in. Being a Black Male is something only the elite are able to deal with. God made me a Black Male because he realized that I would be able to handle all the adversities that life has to offer me. That I would stand tall after it all and show the world that despite you counting me out I'm STILL here.

   So as I sit here in my room all alone, pouring out all these emotions I have within myself; I realize I'm doing this for the next little boy who's not yet born. That boy that will grow up and change the world, giving of himself as though he is a human sacrifice. Dealing with things MOST people will never be able to handle because it's his walk to deal with alone. There are just some journeys we have to do by ourselves and life is one them. Our parents teach us to understand who we are while the world teaches us to shy away from it. We live in a world where we're made to believe our birth marks are blemishes and that if don't look or act a certain way you're abnormal.

   This world makes you believe skinny is beautiful but too skinny is anorexic. That if you're Thick you're gorgeous, but if you're too thick you're fat. This world makes you hate being black but makes it possible for you to tan yourself. Having big lips makes you have too much black features, but people put collagen in their lips to make them "fuller". So I'm going to sit and beat myself up and look for the approval of those who are more unsure of themselves then I once was? I don't think so.

  For the world to be so big people think so small. The unfortunate part is society has made it ok to point the finger towards someone else; make them feel insecure about all their flaws, so society can mask their own. We're just brainwashed and it's all by choice. The one comfortable enough to rise above conformity and complaceny is a true individual. When will we all get to that point where we stop wearing the mental chains? Freeing our minds of being ok with just being like everyone else, and go out on a whim.

   I was meant to make mistakes, and do all the wrong I've done. But like erasers on pencils I can change and right my wrongs. Life is a test and there's no tutor to help you get through it. It takes heart and all that you've experienced to make you realize that the only true test is coming to the conclusion there is no such thing as perfection. Perfect people don't exist, we're meant to falter and fail. Just remember that though I am unperfect those imperfections make it perfectly ok to be imperfect because I realize I'm only human...

The Stranger that Lies In The Mirror

     It's interesting how a person can make you look at life in a whole new perspective. Like everything you ever thought of wasn't right in the first place. The fact that someone has so much power with your thoughts and emotions already says exactly how "Fond" of that person you are. How every waking moment you want to be around that person. Each thought that crosses your mind has them there; and you know what? You're more then fine with that. More and more you two spend time with each other; pouring out all those secrets, that only you and God know about. Not even caring that you're falling because you have a blanket of support, which is that bond you two share. This unique bond that in your mind will last forever. Not even caring how others view you or what others want from you because you've gotten accustomed to this person. You know each and every one of their needs, wants, and desires, and you're more then willing to fulfil them. Doing all these different things for this person that's way out of your element. And why? Because they bring things out of you that you didn't even knew dwell within you.

  Hours on the phone until the sun comes up; you two just enjoying one anothers presence. Things become intimate and now deeper feelings begin to grow. This scares you because you have NEVER felt these feelings before. Then again you have never allowed yourself to until now because they made you comfortable enough to be "the real you". The you that less then a selected few have had the opportunity to see. The you that you refused to show others because you feel they are none deserving of that. How is it that this person was able to get through to the thing you hold closest to you...your heart! Then you realize you have not one specific answer to give yourself because this you that you see you don't know. Basically it's like you are looking in the mirror at a stranger.

   You are confused now because you're doing everything you said you wouldn't do. You're saying all the things you thought sounded foolish coming from other people's mouth. Deeper and deeper your feelings grow, nearly becoming like a bottomless pit. Then something happens; something unexpected...Now those thoughts of forever turn to "I can't wait until you leave". This person sickens you now and they make you angry. The very thought of them churns your stomach, but you still care for them. The walls you broke to let them in have now been replaced with a barbed-wire fence. You use to talk everyday and now you are comfortable enough hearing from them once in awhile. Now when you speak you throw up what you've done and how much you've given. That same effort you use to give is no more because you already have them.

   Those very same qualities you use to appreciate about them now annoy you. You feel smothered and argue about how you need your space and time for yourself. It gets to a point where all you two do is argue; and now you both need space. During the space you give yourself time to re-evaluate if this is what you ever really wanted in the first place. You  begin to second guess whether or not all those feelings you felt originally were even genuine; if maybe you were just caught up in a nostalgic moment. Was it that dopamine had you hooked to that person? Was it even real? These are the questions you begin to ask yourself. You both come to the conclusion it's best you part your separate ways; and just like that it's over...

   Do mirrors lie or do we lie to ourselves to appease the fact that we don't want to come to grips with the truth? Sometimes the lie feels better then the truth because at that moment you aren't hurting. You have already made yourself believe this lie you are telling because it's much easier to cope with. I said all that to say that we don't want to believe that at some time in life that person we believe we can't live without may be the person later on we can't stand to be around. I am not saying that this will always happen, but realize that sometimes your "forever" with that one you hold in such high esteem may be short lived. I feel like it is OUR job as two people in a committed relationship; (non-traditional or traditional) to continue to build. Everything is NOT suppose to lessen once you find yourselves in something committed. That honeymoon stage should always stay in full affect, and it should be that same care and emotions you had when you two first met.

    Realistically in some aspects things may not be the same, but it's the job of BOTH people to make it work. Just like Rome wasn't built in a day; an unbreakable relationship takes time. Be understanding that NO ONE is perfect and we all have room to grow and change. Be sure that you two are on the same page and want the same things. Two people can never truly stay together if there isn't a mutal understanding from both individuals. Love, like and be with whomever you want to; do whatever is going to make you truly happy. Sometimes we forget that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but in fact two people perfect for one another within that foundation you call a relationship.Remember this; at times a relationship can be like a storm, sometimes there may be gray skys and heavy rain, but all storms pass to allow the sun to shine again. Always remember that it takes TWO to make something work...

Fearing Paradise

   What is Paradise? Is it just that place away from home where we seek happiness? The place where we can run away from everything and everyone? Or is it just a figment of our imagination; deep down in our psyche where we believe we're suppose to be? Wherever that place you call paradise lies; go to it. Run to it, and believe in it even if everyone else around you believes it's just an imagination. Because honestly we all at some point seem to be afraid of that place where comfort lies. But can you get through the darkness that seems ever present, even when you believe it's light at the end of that tunnel?

    It's hard to believe in something that you can't even see with your eyes, even if you had 20/20 vision. We seem to fear the unknown because it's something foreign to us. Its not the norm because it is something we have never actually done before. It's almost like going on an adventure and not knowing where you'll end up because of what you're use to happening. Honestly I fear the way people view me. Sometimes I feel like I'm so different that those around me will never really understand me. At times I feel like I'm an alien and the world I live in is not even where I'm suppose to be.

    People are just so judgmental and won't know anything about you, but will sit and criticize you without even knowing what you walk is. How much you had to sacrifice in your life to get exactly where you want to be. The nights of being alone, not having anyone to just hold you close and tell you everything will be alright. Not having a father to teach you how to be a man because he didn't know his father. Having sisters that you want to give the world to but realizing that you are their brother and NOT their father. That's only partly MY WALK.

   BUT instead you know what people see when they they look at me? A person who thinks he's better then everyone else because he doesn't care to be accepted by people who seem more broken then he is; but they're too afraid of their own greatness. They see a person who is complex; when in fact I'm just someone trying to guard my heart. Wanting to Love a woman, but being afraid because she may hurt me because of her own broken dreams never fulfilled. Being in the corner of other people and making them better but when I'm in need of that same kind of lift up I'm alone...Almost like a lone wolf with no support behind me. Wanting to be able to have a woman that just understands what I feel even if I don't utter a word. Just embracing me close to her heart because she knows that though I may be broken I am far from weak.

    So where is my paradise? I guess I know what it is; as a matter of fact I do know. My paradise lies in breaking away from what the "norm" is. Being able to help someone else understand what their purpose is through my own struggles. We don't just live life for ourselves; though we want to act like we do. You ever did something and felt like there was way more to what you were suppose to fulfil? Like you were on the brink of something but couldn't muster up the courage to do it? Honestly that's exactly where I am in my life. I'm only 24 years old but I feel like I am here to fulfil extraordinary things in my life. And not just for myself and family but for those who believe what I do, but are too afraid to just fly...

   I look at an Eagle; how it flys so gracefully through the sky like a shooting star. I'm sure at some time in its life it was fearful of flying, but it did anyway. Not because it couldn't, but because it didn't know where it should start. But that Eagle just spread its wings and soared the sky. And that Eagle may have not known where it was going to wind up but he kept on going, until he traveled the world. He saw things that he would have never been able to see if he didn't just spread his wings and soar through the sky. And you know what? We're just like that eagle honestly. You can't allow yourself to not go where you want to because you're not sure where you'll end up.

    I told someone I care about recently that you can't want what's best for everyone else; and want those around you to be happy and fulfilled if you yourself aren't doing the same. Then I had to look at myself; and say how could I even say this to her if I myself aren't dong it? We all at some time seem to fear paradise; but why? Why fear something that has the capability to change your life for the better? To paint a permanent smile on your face because you're at ease knowing that you made the best decision possible. It's not much of a life you're living just staying complacent because its safe to stay where you are. Sometimes we're not always given another opportunity to soar as high as we're suppose to.

   To be honest with you I didn't realize certain things about myself until I had someone say to me " Derrick I wish that you could show others what I see". That triggered something within me because even now as I write all I am I'm pouring out some dark corners in my life I didn't want others to see; or even read. But since I'll be judged regardless I'd rather just be myself. Be as plain and naked because it's who I am. And I may not be wealthy; or have everything I desire right now, but I will. I believe this wholeheartedly; and you know what? It WILL happen.

  Life is like a Ferris wheel; and around and around we go; but that's not how it has to be though. Do what makes you happy and not just what you feel is right to do. So where does your paradise lie? Wherever it is go to it and try your best to do everything that will make you happy. There will definitely be ups and downs, hurt and pain. But you truly begin to appreciate something when you knew what you had to do to receive it. Hold on to your dreams; and give them wings to soar higher then an Eagle. When you fathom that concept you'll truly understand that there is no real reason that you're Fearing Paradise....

What Now?

    It's interesting how we all seem to believe we know what our purpose truly is. What it is that we want to accomplish; and what it is we're destined for. Who we truly are and whom we are; and how we can bring forth all of that from within. Sounds easy right? Just that simple, knowing what we want to do with our lives and just doing it. But life was NEVER just that simple; it's not really just as simple as Black and White or having gray areas inbetween. You've got certain crosswords to get through; challenging situations that must be faced in order to truly appreciate what you're meant to do.

    I remember when I sat here and had my life planned out; ever since I was little I had an idea of what it was I wanted to do. I've seen myself as a businessman, a Mogul; an individual with immense influence and wealth. Being an international, Global phenomenon with the type of resources to help my family and I forever. Then as I got older I began to realize that it was more to life then just that alone. Yes, I still want to be all of that; but I want even more, and I don't mean just for myself and family but for as many individuals as possible.

    I've come to realize that in order to truly prosper the way you deserve is to give. And I don't mean just resources; what I'm talking about is a little more complex then that. It's the giving of yourself...When you give freely and wholeheartedly of yourself for the right reasons I believe you become blessed. Blessed in the sense of the spiritual aspect as well as karma. Whatever it is that you place into the atmosphere; good or bad always bounces back to you. At least that's what I believe.

   I remember when I had no job; I was a man who was about 23 years old; going on to be 24 with an open mind and no money. I felt like nothing, like I was a failure and I had nothing to offer. I had a friend of mine who worked at Apple who even put the word in for me to work there. Being optimistic I dressed my best and went there. I got through the first interview and the Human Resources Manager was impressed with me. Let's just say I was guaranteed to have a second interview. About a week later I was called into the Apple Store on 5th Avenue; EVERYONE was not only mean to me but standoffish. From what I remember the only one who was nice was a security guard; he said he felt I would get it. So I stayed optimistic.

     I met with one of the managers of the store that was going to interview me. I felt like I said everything right; and she asked me where did I see myself in the next 3-5 years? My answer was owning my own businesses. Now I don't know if that was the right answer but it was the truth. Needless to say about 3 days later I got one of those "thanks but no thanks emails". Not only was I crushed but it caused me to feel even more worthless and an even bigger failure. I even went for my Security guard certifications and got them, but I didn't want a security job honestly. The last resort was me sending an email to an old company I worked for back in 2009 called Ricky's NYC. A New York City based company that started in 1989 by a man named Ricky Keing.

   Fast forwarding a week; I met with a Human Resources Manager there, and again was myself. And I got the job and was called in to be placed in a store and worked that summer in July 2012. I started as a Sales Associate, learning everything and giving my very all whenever I was there. I even stayed later if I needed to. Literally in September 2012 I was asked to be an Assistant Manager and was promoted. It is now April 2013 and now I'm going for a Store Manager position within this company.

    I explained all of that to say that whatever is meant for you will happen. I STILL will be a businessman and Mogul VERY soon; and I plan on talking about that too when that time comes. I've always felt you MUST "Aspire to Inspire". I've met so many individuals within this company that will be life long friends; and even business partners when I go off and build companies myself. My Aunt Stephanie always says "Small Small", which means little by little things will form into what they're suppose to. Rome wasn't built in a day and Legacies don't have to be either.

  So the question of the hour is "What now"? We believe we have to have it all figured out at this moment to feel like we've accomplished something. The best way to explain life is like a Gigantic tree. It literally takes a tree at least 100 years to stand tall and strong. And even if we don't have the opportunity to see what it forms into it will be something great. We ALL are just as great as that tree is. We may not have 100 years to form into something, but the time we do have is just as good. Give without seeking validation from anyone, and strive to the highest pinnacle even when others say it's impossible to be reached. The only true limitation we have is ourselves. WE control where we should be and how far we should go.

    Still want to know what now? Just know this much; believe what can't be seen, so when it becomes tangible you'll then realize that all it truly took to become a reality was believing. There is no such thing as something that can't be done; just as long as you keep on going until you can't anymore. Remember "A man isn't judged or congratulated on the success or merits of others; but for his own actions and merits he chooses to commit for himself". We all have a purpose; we just have to give them feet to travel....

You're Someone Else's

How can I care for you when you're someone else's, we laugh and talk about the day we can be together; but you're someone else's. Your smile as bright as the sun shining on a day brand new, and your laugh that lights up a dim lit room, but you're someone else's. You're someone else's and I'm fine with that, no pressure or feelings there because you're someone else's; but I know deep down this is wrong, is it bad I don't care? And all I can think about is the next moment you and I can be together as we gaze in each others eyes like two kids in love; but the fact still remains that you're someone else's. A secret that you and I share; no one else even knows but God himself, but you don't care and I don't care that you're someone else's...But the truth is we should, even though I'm enjoying myself and enjoying you too. Knowing I can make you say and do things that he can't. Bring you to plateaus you thought weren't even possible to reach. The fact I can make you moan and scream is like music to my ears; but...it's...still...wrong. This is like a game and I'm winning; but truthfullly I should be ashamed, because you're someone else's....

The Beauty Of Your Soul

I yearn for your touch, to be close to you; I find myself lost while I'm in your presence. You make me feel alive, and when I'm sleep I dream of the moment to be around you again. If this is how nostalgia feels; this is one high moment I refuse to not remember. Your beauty is as radiant as the night sky is when the stars dance across the milky way. Your lips are as soft as petals of a red rose. And when you smile it is as though God is reassuring me that you are a blessing from the Heavens above. Each curve on your body seems like you were crafted just for me; to hold you close to my heart forever. And I would never want to see you cry; but only if those tears were filled with joy. The rhythm of your heartbeat as I lay on your chest sounds like a symphony to your soul. Two becoming one like lovers on the night they were married. I could not live without your love; you are my drug, and I don't ever want to be without it. I want to be alone with you forever, together; knowing that this love is as pure as a mother who loves her child.  I don't know what tomorrow may bring; but today I know what love really feels like. And the beauty of your soul enticed the very man who thought he could love no more...Me.

Why I Love You

It's interesting how the night sky is the only thing that sets us seemingly worlds apart. The Love I have for you is like a permanent fragrance smeared across the very essence of my soul. Kind of like a tattoo meticulously placed on the body of an individual who was branded to appease those he calls friends. But you and I are more familiar then that; see I know you like a husband knows the birth mark of his wife, that can't be seen by the naked eye unless she is naked. And that's how I feel each time I allow myself to be vulnerable with you...naked. Almost like the first time you lose your virginity to the one you love more then life itself but they; they just love you for that moment. Two became one, well at least on my end it was. But you, you weren't looking for love at all. You were looking for a convenience and I was convenient for the moment. I loved; or at least I thought I did, but I do. And I'm that undecided because you. I wish you weren't so difficult; that you were as consistent as the next day. At least then I would know what to expect. I don't believe my love would ever die like the eternal flame of passion I set aside specifically for you in my heart. If home is where the heart is then I'm comfortable knowing I live with this love forever. And even then forever isn't enough to express why I love you...

Purpose before Expiration

     As I sit here; trapped in my own thoughts, thinking about my life and the people in it, I wonder what my true purpose is? Why do we love, and what is our true destination after life; when we are already almost dead. It's crazy how we already have an expiration date once we are born. From the womb to the tomb is what people say, but what about the time in between? I think about all that I have lost in my life, the people I thought would always be there, and the grandmother who recently died from cancer. Sometimes I feel like God doesn't care about my family and I. I ask myself why we have to suffer? However, suffering is the reassuring factor that we all have to face no matter who we are. It's one of those things each of us have to deal with, just like life and death.

      The last days of my grandmother's life I sat and thought about her life. All that she gave to my sisters, cousins and myself. The wisdom she poured out to us, the love she gave, and her smile. Maybe I'm selfish be because I didn't want her to die. She lived 92 years of her life giving her all to everybody else. She was a mother of four daughters she taught to be Queens, a wife who was loyal to her husband, a daughter who loved her mother deeply, a sister who would give anything to her sibling, and an educator who taught for over 25 years. My grandmother was a fighter and a true definition of what a woman of elegance is suppose to be.

     I always liked to hear my grandmother tell me stories about her life in South Carolina, and her migration to New York City. One thing my grandmother always told me was give. Give your all and NEVER give up or give into what other people think about you. At the age of 48 she went back to school and graduated from college. after that she went to teach in the New York City public school system for the next 25 years. My grandmother changed lives and she did it with dignity. How could I not lead with that kind of leadership in front of me?

  The funny thing is her journey as a teacher ended once she was told I was on the way. She stayed home to help my mother with her pregnancy. The sad part was there were complications; the doctor told my mother I was set to die and I wouldn't make it....and here I am. My mother and father were married for years, and he was a policemen. He provided for my mother, sisters and I; but he was physically abusive to my sisters and me. He was abusive to me the most, I guess it was because he never even knew his own father. He had to be a father and a brother to his own siblings. He didn't even have the opportunity to have a real childhood. I guess I was his way to get his anger out on. That broke me down honestly, and it caused me to stutter and be be shy. Little did I know that would make me the man I am now.

   I've expressed just a portion of my life; to remind you that we all do have an expiration date, but YOU hold the power to what people will say about you in your obituary. I honestly feel like we live life not for ourselves, but to be an example to someone else. My grandmother showed me a lot while she was here, she was the blueprint. A blueprint that gave me the opportunity to realize that nothing in life is unattainable. If you never take chances you'll never know what could be, but instead ask yourself what could have been. Living with regrets isn't a life worth living, instead live without regret.

   This world is as cold as a bitter winter in the Artic. It can be unforgiving, but you must always have a level of forgiveness of the heart. What I mean by that is realize that nothing in the world we go through happens in vain. There is a bigger picture and its up to us the finish that painting. Believe because without that there is no hope. Hope that at some point there is light at the tunnel of the seemingly endless darkness you seem to be facing. I posed a question to myself earlier about what my purpose is, and how I will know what it is. Honestly my best asnwer is you just know...It is the voice in us all we don't listen to but know it's right.

   fight for what you desere, even if you have to have an internal battle with yourself to get to it. Purpose has a whole new importance once you realize that you are the blueprint to help someone else get through life. I'll leave you with something my grandmother use to always say to me when I was little. "Never close your hand to give, because a hand that is closed not only can't give, but can't receive." Remember; Our life is like a never ending movie and we are the main characters. We deal with drama, have the capacity to love and deal with many horrors; but how we act determines the end of our movie. Now what will everyone say about yours?

SCARED to LOVE

   Love; the single most action, word and feeling that has the capacity to change even the most heartless and unemotional individuals. It can make you feel like you're not even yourself. At times it can also cause you to make foolish decisions or even do things you would have never done in your "rational state." But with all that you have to lose; or even gain with love, why do we yearn for it so much? Why are we even afraid to Love someone and allow others to love us back? To be perfectly honest there is no right or wrong answer.

    I want to share something to make you understand specifically why there isn't really one particular way of understanding what I mean. I can honestly admit that I'm afraid to Love someone and allow someone else to love me back. In some ways I'm broken emotionally; but my demeanor will NEVER let you know that I am. I've gone through a lot of situations throughout my life that have caused me to have an "emotional scab" that I don't want reopened. I've opened up my heart and arms to women in my life that have toyed with my emotions. They have broken me down and did so many hurtful things that has caused me to be slightly nonchalant about certain situations. Honestly it's not like I don't care deep down, but I do feel that more often then none people take advantage whenever you show some level of decency and care.

   The great news is at least I understand exactly why I'm so hesitant to love someone and allow others to love me back. But it's only partly why I am that way. It stems from the root of my father leaving my mother, sisters and I so long ago. My father being married to my mother and partaking in infidelity. My mother giving all that she could to a man undeserving of her love and loyalty. Knowing that I knew exactly who my father was, he was in my life for so long, then just up and leaves all of us because of his own internal demons he faced; not even knowing his biological father. Am I making an excuse for my fathers actions? Of course not; because we do set the tone in our lives, and play a big hand in what our future brings.

   I'm intelligent enough to know that love at its most sincere state is unmoving and cannot be tampered with. I will never say I don't know how it feels to love and be loved back because I have a mother, sisters, grandmothers and Aunts who love me unconditionally. I'm very blessed and appreciate who's here. But for me to ever act as though I don't think about some of the people I've lost in my life I'd be a liar. Beyond a guarded heart and a "I don't care demeanor" I'm a great person. I do care depending on who it is, however there are some instances I genuinely don't care. All in all I'm just guarded due to past experiences.

   Another great example is when I finally allowed a young lady into my heart (who I won't name), and she totally left out of my life without any just reason. Didn't return phone calls, text messages or even say anything to me. It was as though I never even existed to her. A part of me cared but I sat down and actually thought to myself just accept it for what it was. She was beautiful, goal oriented, and honestly had all that I believed was qualities I wanted in a woman I could potentially stay with forever. Any man that starts to say things like I'm saying shows you how serious I was about being committed to her. But once I let her in wholeheartedly, that's when she vanished.

    Love is embracing that you may get scarred; but never be scared to Love...Love is fearless and forgiving. Love is believing that someone can change even if your rational mind says it can't be done. But Love is also learning when to let go and when to move forward. With something so intricate as love, I can see exactly why at times we are so confused because of it. As I said earlier; there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to love, just be able to deal with whatever decision you make because of it.
  
     Live with your decisions and embrace the fact that you may have some failed attempts at "the Big L". Just don't allow those failed attempts to tamper with your mind with the concept of Love altogether. Love is so simple, yet it is complex at the same time. either way I believe that it's important to give love a chance. Life is full of great lessons, and not all of them will be ones that make you happy. However, not every decision will turn out to make you unhappy either. Now ask yourself this; are you Scared to Love, or too Scarred to Love?

What is Unconditional Love?

   The beginning of Love is to let those we love perfectly be themselves, and not make them fit our own image. Otherwise we only love the reflection of our image we created for them, and not the person we should accept them as. Basically what I'm saying is loving a person despite their faults and hang ups, unconditionally loving that person no matter what. Not forcing or molding them into "the best fit" for you. The problem MOST people have is trying to make people be something or someone they aren't because we feel it's "for their own good". Realistically people see you differently then you see yourself. That can be something good or bad; but it's up to you to accept how others view you or how you would like to be viewed.
    
    I use to be the kind of person that would conform myself to what other people viewed me as. I felt like if I just acted the way other people thought I should I would be accepted. People would like me and I would be liked by everyone; however, I thought wrong. The thing about people is they don't even fully accept and appreciate who they are, so how could I ever believe they would accept me even after I conform myself to their ways? I read somewhere that when we view ourselves in the mirror our eyes makes us believe that we are at least 5X more attractive then we truly are. It's mind boggling how our brain can make us think or even believe things that we wouldn't normally believe otherwise.

   Love is something that can never truly be explained even if we had ten lifetimes to figure it out. It's a concept that has endless views depending on the individual who "believes" in it. You have some who believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder; and if such things are true, why can't we just accept certain things for what they are no matter what we ourselves believe? Naturally we want to fix what we believe is broken, that's just in our nature to do so. Sometimes it's just best to take a step back; and allow those we claim to love figure out who that person is they see in the mirror everyday, instead of trying to tell them who they should be looking for.

   It's in our nature to do what we believe is best for those we love, but do we truly know? Is it that we are giving them that "sound advice" we believe they need to hear? Or are we just trying to transform that person into someone that best appeases us? Whatever the case may be, allow that person to make their own decisions. In the end; they are the ones who have to live with what they see in the mirror everyday, no matter what you believe they should see.

   I honestly think that we ALL need to take a step back, and really ask ourselves if we are fully aware of what unconditional love is. Love is more then just an expression, concept or even an idea, it's the single driving force that can make you do just about anything. Love is the most powerful drug, and once you've gotten a taste of it; it's hard to kick the habit. Too much of anything is bad, but not when it comes to love. Remember to love a person for who they are, and not for who you want them to be. Learn to accept somone the way you want to be accepted; and once you understand that, you are truly one step away from unconditionally loving even yourself...

Self awareness of internal happiness

    People always try to find happiness in things and people; which is exactly why they wind up never being happy in the first place. True happiness comes from realizing all that you're blessed with, not with what's missing. At the end of the day be thankful for what is and what's going to be, NOT with what's gone and the lack thereof...Realistically that's easier said then done but it can be implemented if you work hard at making it happen. What people don't realize is just like loving and going after what you want in life; it takes some sort of continuous work. That same formula should be applied to being happy. It's not as easy as people believe it is either; but like all things, it can be done.

   Self awareness is important, when you're aware you're educating yourself. Knowledge is the key to better understanding; it's the key to open the doors of success. With much success comes some sort of knowledge to keep it going. Now what I said originally still stands because you have to always work to stay happy. It's not allowing anyone or anything to make you depressed or even miserable. I for one believe that mantras; when executed effectively, allow you to believe in yourself and the preservation of your own happiness. NO ONE, and I mean no one can truly make you happy until you are comfortable being happy with and for yourself.

  I'm going to leave you with this, you can never make someone believe in your visions if you yourself don't believe in them first. With that being said, your happiness is just that important. Always take time to work on yourself and what's best for YOU. Success doesn't happen over night, it comes when your one thousand failures are worth it; from self awareness of your true potential, through knowledge and understanding of failure. Believing in yourelf is only part of wanting happiness, happiness comes when you believe it's worth having. 
So remember to be happy, because you are definitely deserving of it...

Blueprint to your Daughter's Relationship

       So I was on my way to pick up my check from work; well by this time I was in the train station waiting for the 6 train. I'm sitting there on the bench, on my phone calculating how much of my check was going to bills, and I hear this loud commotion. It's this young couple around my age arguing, however; the guy is the one being the loudest. He's cursing at what seems to be the mother of his daughter (who's holding their daughter at that point in time). He's calling her out of her name, and he's threatening to physically assault her in front of everybody.

       Honestly I'm looking right at him at this point and time and he doesn't even make eye contact with me. One thing I've been taught from little is any man that can't look you in your eyes or face is spineless, and it was obvious to me that he wasn't anywhere near a man. You can threaten a woman and say how you'll slap her and embarrass her in front of everybody in a crowded train station, but you can't even look another man in the face.

       It's amazing to me that he would find that appropriate to even come out his mouth in the first place. He even slowly walked further away from where I was because I believe deep down inside he knew that what he said made him a coward. I don't know whether or not he did hit her when they went somewhere else, but what I do know is you don't say anything like that in front of your child. This is the image you want your daughter to see? This is what you want her to believe is "normal" so when she has a relationship she allows him to beat on her?

       It saddens me honestly because I can only imagine what he does to her when they're in private. Calling her dumb and stupid and beating her in front of their baby daughter. My heart sincerely goes out to the women who goes through that type of physical, verbal and psychological abuse consistently. Continuing on such a cycle that has the capability to do nothing but hurt more and more people.

       I wish people would wake up realize that it takes a father to raise his daughter; to show her how a woman is to be treated. Whether or not you stay with the mother of your child; respect her because she's someone who's raising your children. Whether or not you believe it you're the blueprint to your child's future relationship. Keep your hands to yourself and be the kind of man you want you daughter to be with, not someone you would hurt if your daughter was hurt by them.

Be alone together

      It's times like this I think of you, looking outside into the distance wondering what you're doing. Saying to myself how was I so blessed to have you apart of my life? How two can become one as though two colors were mixed on a canvas. Let me be the brush and you be the palate, expressing all thoughts and emotions deep as though I'm speaking to you with my lips. Telling you everything you mean to me, and never being ashamed to express those feelings I feel for you. You see I'm use to being alone, dealing with my issues like a lone wolf. Never really showing the side of my vulnerability because I can't. Not because I can't but because I don't want to.

      I'll be as clear as a mirror showing you everything I never wanted you to see because the mirror never lies. And it's not that I want to lie to you, it's just that I'm afraid; and not the fear of negative thoughts but fearful that I'll fall. Fall deeply for you and expose the thoughts my heart wants to say but my lips tell you instead. If this was a dream I don't ever want to wake up from it; and if granted one last wish, it would be to see your smile. Your smile is as bright as the stars that shine in the night sky to let us know they're alive. You make life worth living because my life seems brighter with you apart of it. And you may not be perfect but you're perfect for me. You see I'm not trying to tell you anything but the truth, my truth.

     You're the kind of woman I want to put a ring on, the one I want a future with. The person I want to always wake up next to and kiss without any cares of your morning breath. You're the one I want to grow old with, and have children with and watch you walk with a pregnant belly. Kissing your stomach; and knowing that the child will come into the world with both parents who genuinely love one another. I would never hurt you and the only tears I would give you is that of joy because that's what I'm filled with each time I speak to you. If God ever made the perfect woman you are the blue print he chose to make perfection. I Look deep into my eyes and realize that you're all I want and need in a woman.

     You hold a special place in my heart because I never felt like this before. And I could care less what others think or feel because what we have is real. Our love is as real as the reality that we live in. Believe me when I say I love you, I mean that from the depths of my soul. But my goal is not to just tell you how much you mean to me, but allow you to see that my love is as infinite as God's love for us all. And if I had to be alone ever again; I would much rather be alone...together...with you.