I haven't be myself in a long time; I feel like I'm immune to pain, I have felt alone my entire life. I don't remember anything about being a child because that's something I want to forget. All I can relate to is pain. It's something I expect from people. I have been hurt my entire life. It all started with my father; a man that I use to fear, and someone that I loved with all my heart. How can someone who is suppose to protect you, be the one who you need protection from? How can a man beat and abuse his child? How is this love? I have tried to wrap my head around the concept of love my whole life, and have yet to genuinely feel it from anyone. Maybe it's because I've always tried to reach out and get love from people non-deserving of it. Even my union with woman of my past; only seemed to happen because the brokenness I saw in them, was what I was trying to save myself from. I felt like if I could save them from their pain, I could save myself. I thought by trying to have children with a woman; who never really received the love she was deserving of, could love me the way I believed I loved her.
I thought maybe by her having children with me, we could love those children the way we never got love. But what I selfishly didn't think of was how that would affect the lives of those unborn children. That realistically it was the lust for love that brought them here and not a union of genuine love. I was so angry with GOD for taking my twins away that I vowed to hate him for eternity. I already felt like GOD allowed so much to happen to me throughout my life, the least he could do was allow me to be the father to those children that I NEVER had! But he took them away from me, and honestly I have never been the same since. Every time I see a baby it makes me think to myself how much of a great father I could have been. It pains me each and every time I see a child.
I feel like I've gotten so well at masking my pain that I just push people away. It's not even because I want to, I just do it to protect myself. It's just always seemed like each time I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, genuine, sincere and caring people have taken advantage of me. Even the one time I believed I would spend the rest of my life with a woman I felt like I gave EVERYTHING to could betray me. I am a living being, but parts of my have died along time ago. But everyday I breathe and wake up I feel like I have the opportunity to right all the wrongs. I feel like it's my job to discontinue a cycle of deep rooted hate. My father is the way he is because he couldn't let go of certain things. He was abused as a child and never even knew his real father. No one was there to guide him and teach him how to be a strong man, but to LOVE at the same time.
I do not excuse his actions, but I do realize that it's not fully his fault either. How can you teach a son to be who he is when he could never be who he wanted to be? My father never had a childhood because he had to raise his brothers and sisters. He was abused by a man who hated him because his mother loved his real father still. We don't even realize the importance of caring and loving for children. We never take into account as adults that our actions can and just may affect the future of that child. We don't realize or we blindly perceive things through altered emotions; that these children do become adults, and how we treat them may make or break who they are forever.
To be honest all I really wanted was to be loved; to be appreciated and cared for, to be wanted and accepted. The last straw for me was when I told my father that my twins had died. Mind you I haven't spoken to my father in YEARS; and the only reason he had gotten in contact with me was because he found out that my ex was pregnant, through a Facebook post she tagged me in with the pregnancy stick. One thing about my father is he has NEVER liked to be left out of things. Especially since my fathers side of the family seemed to know about this and he didn't. He's the one who contacted me; and I said to myself that even though he was a deadbeat father to my sisters and I, maybe he could be an even better grandfather to my children. I promised I wouldn't even utter to them about how much of horrible parent he was, just so these children could love him without prejudices of how he treated me. But all that changed when I called him over the phone and told him that the twins had died. All he said was "oh wow, really?" He then told me he would call me back and I NEVER heard from him again, and that was nearly two and half years ago.
About a few months later my father had a heart attack and was literally in the hospital across the street from where I live. I didnt even go see him, and as bad as this may be I didn't and still don't care. Parts of me feels like my father was let off easy just receiving a heart attack because he could heal from that. Meanwhile I've carried certain emotional and psychological baggage my whole life because of him. I still have severe trust issues because of this man. Yet I'm suppose to feel bad because he had a heart attack? Yes, I do honestly...However, we reap what we sow. Nothing we do goes unpunished by karma. You can't live your life harming others and altering their lives negatively and believe you'll still prosper. My father at the time was a police officer and gave my mother hell when they were married. Though he may have never beat my mother he verbally and psychologically abused her. Treated her bad and even cheated on her to the point of getting that woman pregnant with my sister I hardly even know. My mother was fully committed and loyal to a man who wasn't ever deserving of a piece of who she is. A remarkable, genuine, loving, caring, loyal, honest woman.
Is it wrong that I just want to be with a woman who loves me with all her heart? A woman who will never lie to me or betray me. Someone that I could build my life with and grow old together. A woman that I can have children with and marry. The type of love that would last an eternity and countless lifetimes. I want to be able to look her in the eyes everyday and know that her love is everlasting for me and my love is everlasting for her. There is NOTHING wrong with a man showing his emotions, it shows he's not only a man but a person with heart. My sisters have made me realize that a REAL MAN can still be fearless but be loving and show his emotions. Society has bred men to believe that he isn't a man if he cries or shows affection. That it makes him weak or invaluable if he shows love or compassion. But it is up to us to change that way of thinking, and realize that there is nothing wrong with any of that. Embrace who you are even if others don't accept it.
You can't be who you are fully without committing to being happy. Yea life can be tough at times, and yes there will be times when you're down or feel alone. But always remember that you're worth it, that you're important and you mean something. Realize that you're more then enough and that anyone's life you're in will make them a better person. Love yourself and even forgive yourself, don't dwell so much on what was but rather what is and what will be. You can never undo what what was done but you can do what needs to be done. Never lose track of your importance and always wear it like a banner. Lastly, Forgiveness is the next step into ushering a new utopia of happiness. Never lose sight of that and keep it embedded deep within yourself. Life's best lesson is to be happy even when it is a beautiful nightmare. Remember that even in the midst of chaos, your life shines bright to a beautiful tomorrow....Today!
