Black Rose, in a Chaotic Wonderland

  I just want to me more, more then I thought I could ever be. Someone that I can be proud of. I take pride in the side that I show the world when I'm facing it. Everyday I feel like I fight to be respected. I'm tested, by my own people because I'm not even Black enough to be Black. I'm tested by White people that show me no matter how much my hue may be "light" I'll never be good enough to be white. And honestly I don't want be, you see because the king in me is Proud to be Black, and would not change it no matter how ugly the world makes me feel  for being it. 

  I am the Richest; Most Powerful, Influential Man the world has ever known. And the reason why the rest of this world hasn't seen it yet is because deep down I feel like I'll fail. And not because I will;  and not because I have, but because I realize that it's bigger then just me. I believe for those who are afraid to believe in something. I carry the burden of a Billion lashed Slaves who saw this day coming; when I could write freely and not worry about the consequences of wanting to be free, in a world where corruption wants me to be a mental slave. And though I have no shackles, I'm still just another nigger in the eyes of the world. That is my truth whether you believe it or not, and the news shows how much of an endangered species I'm becoming.

  How I can be gunned down by someone that my tax dollars pays for to "keep the peace". But how is it peace when I can't even just be...Be a man that just wants the best for himself and his family. Be a Man that enjoys his life; that has a future wife, and some kids that he loves and loves him back dearly. I just want to be the father to children, that love them more then my own father loved me. I want to be the grandfather my grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be proud of. Where I earned the right to be the example of what the world is really scared of about Black men...OUR GREATNESS! 

  I don't want to just be great for me, but for them. Do you know how hard it is to live in a world where people steal from you, steal your culture and then rename it and make it their own? For people to want the perks of being Black; but Black Lives only matter when it's taking their money to help people build homes, and properties and lands that they won't even be able to afford, because the system is intentionally rigged to make them fail? My soul cries seeing how the judicial system is only big business to keep Black Men as modern day slaves. Having us all in shackles; touching family through a two sided glass, knowing you may never see them again. Putting us in communities that the people in power have intentionally made difficult for Black People to excel in. Then mark us as criminals when we sell drugs to our community, but they're the ones who put it there in the first place. It's funny how people always say "lady justice" but always forget about the fact that that scale was NEVER meant to be in OUR favor to begin with. 

  Where's the justice when there are little girls and boys barely out of elementary school being slaughtered just for being Black? Where is that justice when Black Women; who are the most powerful beings GOD has ever blessed us with, are being assassinated by the police in custody for crimes they didn't even commit? Where is the justice when Black men are put in prison for most of their lives, only to later find out he never committed the crime in the first place? I ask; where is the justice when a young white male can rape a girl, get only less then 3 months in prison, then still get time served because "prison would be too harsh for him"? 

  Yet this world has the audacity to say "ALL MEN CREATED EQUALLY"? Equal how? You mean 3/5th of a man equal? You mean Jim Crow and Rockerfeller Drug Law equal? You mean clutch your purse when you see me equal? I have yet to benefit from any type of reparation; yet everyone else who isn't Black has received one, yet I'm equal? It's sad when you have to have "the talk" with your children, and the conversation has everything to do with survival and not being murdered by the police. How can you ever make me feel equal when most of the people being murdered are Black Men, Women and even our children?  It hurts, and that pain runs deeper then the abyss. These are the thoughts I have in my head; the constant battle of the brain, yet I STILL BELIEVE! 

   I believe for those ancestors of my past who paved the way for me. Believe for the future me that knows that he has to believe, because who else will believe in US if WE don't?  I'm not just some nigger; I'm a man, more then 3/5th of one. I'm the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm the brighter future in the midst of all the chaos. I am the success story when the world tried to write me off. And I WILL SUCCEED; because I believe my purpose is far beyond riches and wealth, but the preservation of a future many slaves fought so hard for me to have. I owe it to them and to myself, because I don't have the luxury to quit. Believe even no one else believes, then achieving will be the easy part....

(BELIEVE) (IN) (YOU)R DREAMS!

     This is just something to encourage those that need it. For the people that have lost all hope for each and everything in their lives. This is for the people who dream big, and feel like things aren't coming along the way they wanted them to. Lets be honest, life can be VERY hard and difficult to get through sometimes. Of course you're alive and people tell you not to complain because things could always be worse, but that doesn't erase the fact that you want things to change. It doesn't change the fact that you may feel like things will never work in your favor, and you're just tired of failures and disappointments. You're feeling alone, and in your mind there is no one that is going through what you are. 

     I'm here to say that there is a host of individuals out in this world dealing with the same issues you may be going through. As big as this world is someone at this very moment wants change, and what you may not realize is their situation is much more difficult then your own. Now this doesn't negate how you feel, or mean you don't have the right to be frustrated or upset. I'm just saying keep moving forward and trying your very best, no matter how you're feeling or what everyone else thinks. The people we admire the most or aspire to be like, didn't get to where they are by feeling sorry for themselves, or give into a defeated mentality. They gave every inch of their very being until they couldn't give anymore.

      Life was never meant to be easy, if it was then there would be no such thing as success stories. We couldn't inspire anyone else to be better, because we would all have everything in our lives together. But since that's definitely not the case; it's your job to not only keep trying, but to encourage yourself. Appreciate who you see in the mirror, love them, and support them even when no one else will. I guarantee that once you do that internally, externally you'll pour out what you believe. Success wasn't built overnight, so don't expect it to happen that way. Instead keep trying, even when you're worried and want to give in. Just believe in your dreams, and everyone else will follow suit and believe in them also. Remember there is no such thing as a loser, there is only such a person who lost momentarily to go back and win the next time.

THE BLACK SON RISE

   Who do I go to when I have my moments of being vulnerable? Feeling like things aren't sorting out the way I want them to, even when I pray and attempt to be as optimistic as possible. I already know that life isn't always smiles and giggles, but it has to be way more then what I'm getting now. I look at people around me who do nothing but evil and they get EVERYTHING. It appears like they live a carefree life full of happiness and prosperity while I seem to work hard for nothing. I honestly want to give up constantly because it seems like there's just no use in trying. The more trying I endeavor to do it seems like I fall deeper into my own abyss of sorrows and pain. I have the option to either keep on trying or just give up right then and there. But is giving up the easier part or is it the part of sticking with it the hardest?

   Most people will NEVER understand how it feels to be a Black Male in America unless you are one already. It doesn't matter whether you're successful, or not. When people see you you're already placed in a box of failure, drugs, violence, incarceration or being a dead beat father. What's even more sad is the fact that all of these situations have plagued the African American community seemingly forever. You turn on the television, read it in news paper, even by word of mouth you hear something about someone you know having been apart of each situation. It saddens me to know that people give up on black males like there's just no hope for US. 

   Then again, just because you have fallen deep into any or every one of those situations, it doesn't mean the end. I believe that God places us in certain situations to not only prove we can endure, but to show others it can be done. I believe that individuals find it a lot easier to judge and categorize people instead of giving them a sense of hope. A part of me doesn't believe that black males who face those issues constantly want to be where they are. I believe fear and even settling causes them to be where they are, but it isn't anyone else's place to judge. The reason I can express it the way that I have is because I am a Black Man, and I feel like God has the FINAL say in where anyone winds up going in life. Society has no right to give anyone an eternal mark, but they do it anyway.

    I think that after awhile it's human nature to judge people. It becomes the very fabric of an individuals being sometimes. However, statistics don't automatically mean failure unless you take it on internally. We have the capability to change ANYTHING if we believe within ourselves it can be changed. People should base individuals individually but they don't, and why is that? I believe; because deep down inside, they themselves are facing their own demons they constantly battle. Life is an ever changing situation, which means that people can change also. 

   Just like there are failures, there are situations of success and triumphs. I believe you have to dig deep within yourself and encourage yourself even if others don't. You MUST face life, and you don't always have to accept things for what they are either. Just as certain as the moon will rise when night falls, there's a chance for a brighter tomorrow. Believe when no one else does and achieve because it's your God given right to do so. There's a reason why God called us sons, because we have just as much power to change this world and rise to the pinnacle as the Sun rises in the morning. 

The flower you threw away

My bed use to feel empty because I was empty without you there. 

I remember when I wouldn't even lay on the left side because you weren't there to share it with me.

My heart use to be filled with a mixture of sadness and hatred when your name was spoken. 

When I see babies even now I think about how we were going to have twins that we lost. 

And when you left me I felt lost, like I didn't know what else to do. 

You were my only friend when I had no one else to confide in.

You were the support that I thought I had when times were rough. 

But then something happened...things began to be different.

Now when I think of you I feel sad for you, not because of what you did but what will happen.

Life has a funny way of changing the roles for people.

I mean even in the bible it say "The first shall be last & the last shall be first".

I've learned over the years that GOD has been preparing me for something bigger then the moments I planned for "US".

The dreams I envisioned of your belly being big while you walked around pregnant with my children and you being my wife. 

Sharing a life with OUR daughter whether she is mine by blood or not.

GOD took you away from me; the family I always wanted of my own, the babies I was ready to have, because in order for me to truly appreciate all those things I had to lose them. 

It's almost like my whole world crumbled; I genuinely wasn't the same for a long time because you weren't there by my side, to love me the way I wanted you to.

I'm a man yes; I mean I'm not suppose to cry right? I'm suppose to not care right? 

But I was hurt, and I cried almost everyday because I missed you and OUR daughter whether she was biologically mine or not. 

I was lonely and lonesome but I never lost hope in myself.

Ive learned to love me with every fiber of my being, the same way I poured my love into you and your child.

I've always been the type of man that fears only GOD himself, another man that breathes like I do sparks not one ounce of fear into me, because why should he?

But I feared losing your love and you showed me that you didn't love me the same.

I can admit I could have done better in many instances, but the good I gave should have outweighed any bad I did.

I mean relationships have ups and downs; trials and tribulations, but the love should never leave because mistakes were made.

I can truly say that I've never loved another woman the same way I loved you. 

My actions proved that when I gave you babies that GOD took from us; but whether you believe that or not, just know that me being with you was never a game to me...it was VERY REAL.

Well now that I know what love feels like I can thank GOD he at least allowed that to happen.

My mission to be a billionaire is literally happening in less then ten years, and me being a millionaire WILL happen this year like I said it would.

Though you left me I want to thank you, you showed me that you would do something to me I would have NEVER done to you.

You showed me what I don't want a woman to do to me because things aren't going too well momentarily.

I could never hate you and I would never wish you any harm, I truly wish you the very best in life.

I partly want to thank you for leaving me; because I believe in me even more then I ever did, the way I wanted you to be there to believe in me, the way I've always believed in you.

I'm not bitter whatsoever, I honestly feel like I'm better now.

I didn't even have to go to therapy like I was going to do, I just stopped doing what I use to.

One thing I'll always do is believe in myself even if nobody else believes in me.

I will always love and do for me even if no one else does, because I've got a legacy to leave.

It's bigger then just today and tomorrow, it's about shaping and changing the world forever.

I truly have love for you and partly my heart hurts because of you, but I don't blame you. 

"Time doesn't move back it moves forward, you can't run away from the pain run towards it".

Jay-Z said it best because that's truly how I've learned to deal with my life. 

I truly hope that you get the happiness you deserve and you get the love, life & family I did want with you, even if with someone else. 

I was never taught how to be a man or to love a woman the right way because I didn't have a man there to even show me, but Lord knows I did try my very best to.

I'm sure that the love and family; wife and kids I do desire is out there for me, but for now I'll just continue to strive for the pinnacle.

I can truly say that this year and the years to come are looking very bright for me, and I'm proud of the man I've become and continue to strive to be.

"GROW THROUGH WHAT YOU GO THROUGH"; because even when a flower wants to grow, it can still grow through concrete. 

Persistent Men Excel...So believe in you even if no one else does!

Lifestyles and Life lessons

    It's moments like the one I'm experiencing now where I feel alone. That there's no one that understands exactly how I feel and what I'm going through. I have much to be blessed and happy about, especially since I'm still here. Alive and kicking with my soul still in tact. I've been having a very trying time as of late and I'm in need of many answers from the man upstairs. I ALWAYS try to keep up an optimistic mindset, even when I find that situations in my life are trying to overwhelm me. I just realize more and more that the road I trod will never be an easy one, and I'm not expecting it to be either. But I do wish that there were more people there then my family. However, Realistically that's the only people that will always wind up being there.

    I don't know, maybe I just expect way too much from people. I've always felt like my level of loyalty and care was much more then it should have been for most people anyway. But that's nothing to feel bad about right? I just know I'll ALWAYS keep my head held high even when things aren't looking so great. You must believe in something, even when it looks like believing appears it's not getting anywhere. I never keep a defeated spirit, and life always has a way of moving in your favor when you just let GOD handle the rest.

   I realize you should never really put your very all into anyone who doesn't do that with you. I guess it's me growing up, not putting all my eggs in one basket. I haven't given up on people, I've just given up on investing unwarranted time into those that don't deserve it anyway. Yea, that's what it is. Life is an interesting situation, that's what makes it so great in the first place. Never give in or give up, just move forward and stay Persistent. Because Persistent Men Excel....