My feelings are numb, nothing like how they use to be as a child. This world has hardened my heart, and the bit of soul that I have is slowly leaving me. The times I do watch the television or check out the news all I see is something negative. We have a president in office that doesn't care about anything or anyone. His own wife doesn't want to have anything to do with him. It just goes to show you that money doesn't bring happiness if it was never there, to begin with. Time sure does fly when you're out here living it. Rent is due, bills to pay and you try to have an honest job but the streets are calling you. That fast money that I don't have to wait two weeks for. I can go right on that block and sell those rocks and push that cocaine. Trying to be pure, but for what? This world was never good or fair to me, when was it ever easy? Too Black for white America; tattoos running down both sleeves, that's my expression for the art I love in this twisted nightmare I'm living daily.
People look at my name tag and see ambitious and a writer and make a confused face. I mean I couldn't possibly be anything more because I'm Black right? When you see me you assume that I have a child and have to have back child support I owe when I haven't had any children since my ex-girlfriend lost my twins so many years ago. I find myself looking in the mirror when I wash my face and as I look back at myself I wonder who I am. Am I being myself or being what everyone else wants me to be? Am I being the best Dee possible or playing it safe? I'm from the Eastside of Harlem where you hustle, fearing nobody but GOD himself because in your eyes you are a GOD. Walking this earth trying not to let it taint you. When you see the police sirens you get numb, you're immune to seeing the hatred in that police officers eyes for you. The way he's ready to shoot you and not think twice about it. Meanwhile, you have a full scholarship to any University of your choice; his child though is home snorting up cocaine, trying to feel some kind of love from anything since he doesn't do anything but beat her because of the pressures of his job.
It's funny how we find ourselves trying to receive love, even if it's all in the wrong places. Trying to be accepted by people who are in a worse space than we are. Way too scared to be great so they'll make you feel like nothing when you're everything and so much more. I have survived things that should have killed me, I lost so many things and people you would have thought would break me and it hasn't. I have laughed at death in the face and kept going. I'm my mother's only son, so it's my job to rise above the adversities I face. I can't afford to crumble like anyone else. I have all this love in my heart but how can I show it with all this hate in the world? I remember when I was younger, going through the phase of rebellion, allowing the world's many evils to tantalize me. I was getting ready to leave the house and my mother said that every time I left the house she was scared I wouldn't come back. She had a look of pain and regret, her eyes were crying out for me; but through my cold young demeanor, I couldn't really see that. I thought that the streets were my playground, a place for me to run free with others just like me. Not realizing at that time that it wasn't anything out there for me but trouble. Guns intrigued me, and the thrill of doing things that could get me in trouble was a rush.
Fast forwarding ten years later; about three weeks before my 29th birthday, and my mindset is totally different. Life is a never-ending journey that has twists and turns, but it's well worth the journey. Though this world is unforgiving I still forgive. You can't let the hate of this world stop you from being the loving person you are. Just know that if you love yourself you'll never be alone. That when you believe in yourself everyone else will do the same. One man can change the world, and I have realized that that man is me.......
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