The Beast That's Unforgiving

       My feelings are numb, nothing like how they use to be as a child. This world has hardened my heart, and the bit of soul that I have is slowly leaving me. The times I do watch the television or check out the news all I see is something negative. We have a president in office that doesn't care about anything or anyone. His own wife doesn't want to have anything to do with him. It just goes to show you that money doesn't bring happiness if it was never there, to begin with. Time sure does fly when you're out here living it. Rent is due, bills to pay and you try to have an honest job but the streets are calling you. That fast money that I don't have to wait two weeks for. I can go right on that block and sell those rocks and push that cocaine. Trying to be pure, but for what? This world was never good or fair to me, when was it ever easy? Too Black for white America; tattoos running down both sleeves, that's my expression for the art I love in this twisted nightmare I'm living daily.

       People look at my name tag and see ambitious and a writer and make a confused face. I mean I couldn't possibly be anything more because I'm Black right? When you see me you assume that I have a child and have to have back child support I owe when I haven't had any children since my ex-girlfriend lost my twins so many years ago. I find myself looking in the mirror when I wash my face and as I look back at myself I wonder who I am. Am I being myself or being what everyone else wants me to be? Am I being the best Dee possible or playing it safe? I'm from the Eastside of Harlem where you hustle, fearing nobody but GOD himself because in your eyes you are a GOD. Walking this earth trying not to let it taint you. When you see the police sirens you get numb, you're immune to seeing the hatred in that police officers eyes for you. The way he's ready to shoot you and not think twice about it. Meanwhile, you have a full scholarship to any University of your choice; his child though is home snorting up cocaine, trying to feel some kind of love from anything since he doesn't do anything but beat her because of the pressures of his job.

       It's funny how we find ourselves trying to receive love, even if it's all in the wrong places. Trying to be accepted by people who are in a worse space than we are. Way too scared to be great so they'll make you feel like nothing when you're everything and so much more. I have survived things that should have killed me, I lost so many things and people you would have thought would break me and it hasn't. I have laughed at death in the face and kept going. I'm my mother's only son, so it's my job to rise above the adversities I face. I can't afford to crumble like anyone else. I have all this love in my heart but how can I show it with all this hate in the world? I remember when I was younger, going through the phase of rebellion, allowing the world's many evils to tantalize me. I was getting ready to leave the house and my mother said that every time I left the house she was scared I wouldn't come back. She had a look of pain and regret, her eyes were crying out for me; but through my cold young demeanor, I couldn't really see that. I thought that the streets were my playground, a place for me to run free with others just like me. Not realizing at that time that it wasn't anything out there for me but trouble. Guns intrigued me, and the thrill of doing things that could get me in trouble was a rush.

       Fast forwarding ten years later; about three weeks before my 29th birthday, and my mindset is totally different. Life is a never-ending journey that has twists and turns, but it's well worth the journey. Though this world is unforgiving I still forgive. You can't let the hate of this world stop you from being the loving person you are. Just know that if you love yourself you'll never be alone. That when you believe in yourself everyone else will do the same. One man can change the world, and I have realized that that man is me.......

September 2nd

       I loved you and never knew you, a seed that would have sprouted the way I know you could have if given the opportunity. And though I am hurt beyond measure that you are not here for me to believe in you; and watch you grow into something great, I guess GOD had other plans for you. A plan that was bigger then me wanting you here to call my own. You made me realize how much of a man I really am; that I have to learn to believe in myself way more then I was going to believe in you, that I had to love myself a little more then I do right now. I hate myself because I feel like it was my fault you're not here but realistically it isn't. Even right now as I write its like a knife pierced my heart, and the tears won't stop rolling down my face. But it is because of you showing me; even with you not even physically here, made me grow up and stop procrastinating. I was once told that a man doesn't start being a father until the baby is born, but with all that has happened I realize how much of an untrue statement that truly is. I was stepping up to the plate way before you were conceived, way before I even knew you were in the process of being made. All you did was make me reassure myself that as much as I thought I was evolving, you could transform me even the more. This isn't fair and though I felt like GOD didn't care about how this would make me feel; I would much rather you be up there watching over me from heaven, guiding my steps and thoughts, rooting me on when everyone else is expecting me demise. So when its time for us to have another little one, we will accept all that we have lost, and appreciate what we have even the more. I love you Son, and thank you for teaching me about myself. Thank you for teaching me that as much as life may be cruel to us, it has a funny way of being true to us even if we don't want to believe. This nightmare shed light on the darkness I held over my head for long. You were the balance to my complicated life and for that I am forever indebted to you. I prayed for a miracle and you were that; and though I close this chapter in my page of life, I open up to the next one that will continue to teach me to be s better man.
Remember that I Love you Always and forever, to the unborn child I wasn't able to have....Daddy will keep believing; reaching pinnacles unheard of because  you, and how much you believe in me. This isn't Good bye, but more like I'll see you later... <3