The Beast That's Unforgiving

       My feelings are numb, nothing like how they use to be as a child. This world has hardened my heart, and the bit of soul that I have is slowly leaving me. The times I do watch the television or check out the news all I see is something negative. We have a president in office that doesn't care about anything or anyone. His own wife doesn't want to have anything to do with him. It just goes to show you that money doesn't bring happiness if it was never there, to begin with. Time sure does fly when you're out here living it. Rent is due, bills to pay and you try to have an honest job but the streets are calling you. That fast money that I don't have to wait two weeks for. I can go right on that block and sell those rocks and push that cocaine. Trying to be pure, but for what? This world was never good or fair to me, when was it ever easy? Too Black for white America; tattoos running down both sleeves, that's my expression for the art I love in this twisted nightmare I'm living daily.

       People look at my name tag and see ambitious and a writer and make a confused face. I mean I couldn't possibly be anything more because I'm Black right? When you see me you assume that I have a child and have to have back child support I owe when I haven't had any children since my ex-girlfriend lost my twins so many years ago. I find myself looking in the mirror when I wash my face and as I look back at myself I wonder who I am. Am I being myself or being what everyone else wants me to be? Am I being the best Dee possible or playing it safe? I'm from the Eastside of Harlem where you hustle, fearing nobody but GOD himself because in your eyes you are a GOD. Walking this earth trying not to let it taint you. When you see the police sirens you get numb, you're immune to seeing the hatred in that police officers eyes for you. The way he's ready to shoot you and not think twice about it. Meanwhile, you have a full scholarship to any University of your choice; his child though is home snorting up cocaine, trying to feel some kind of love from anything since he doesn't do anything but beat her because of the pressures of his job.

       It's funny how we find ourselves trying to receive love, even if it's all in the wrong places. Trying to be accepted by people who are in a worse space than we are. Way too scared to be great so they'll make you feel like nothing when you're everything and so much more. I have survived things that should have killed me, I lost so many things and people you would have thought would break me and it hasn't. I have laughed at death in the face and kept going. I'm my mother's only son, so it's my job to rise above the adversities I face. I can't afford to crumble like anyone else. I have all this love in my heart but how can I show it with all this hate in the world? I remember when I was younger, going through the phase of rebellion, allowing the world's many evils to tantalize me. I was getting ready to leave the house and my mother said that every time I left the house she was scared I wouldn't come back. She had a look of pain and regret, her eyes were crying out for me; but through my cold young demeanor, I couldn't really see that. I thought that the streets were my playground, a place for me to run free with others just like me. Not realizing at that time that it wasn't anything out there for me but trouble. Guns intrigued me, and the thrill of doing things that could get me in trouble was a rush.

       Fast forwarding ten years later; about three weeks before my 29th birthday, and my mindset is totally different. Life is a never-ending journey that has twists and turns, but it's well worth the journey. Though this world is unforgiving I still forgive. You can't let the hate of this world stop you from being the loving person you are. Just know that if you love yourself you'll never be alone. That when you believe in yourself everyone else will do the same. One man can change the world, and I have realized that that man is me.......

The Siege For Self-Worth

       Honestly; I have not been inspired to write that much on this site of mine, for a lot of different reasons. I've been going through emotional, financial, and psychological issues. So my focus has not really been about giving the type of content that I know people who genuinely support me, are content with. Rather, all I have been doing is just posting bull shit content the last three weeks. I realize that, and I genuinely apologize for that. I don't think that people realize that whenever I am really posting my work (except for the last three weeks of mediocre content) I pour my heart and soul into my body of work. I actually sit there in my room; listen to a song or two that put me in a specific mindset, and I then write. Write about whatever it is that is on my mind or in my heart at that time. I have posted content on here that I feel have been some of my best work; hell, I've said things on here that I didn't ever think people would be inspired by.

       I've had people tell me that my posts have made them better people. I even like the comments of people telling me that they didn't like or even agree with that I wrote because they had a difference of opinion. Feedback is something I have come to appreciate because I realize that when I sit here and bravely expound on something that I chose to speak about, people are going to say something whether I want them to or not. However, people don't realize how much it took me to even begin this website I started about one hundred twenty-two posts and seven years ago!

        I remember When I told a few people at that time how I wanted to write and post content, not only about myself and my circumstances but just all around content. There were so many unsupportive people. I even had people tell me "Since when are you a writer?" Mind you I have ALWAYS admired being a writer and doing poetry. In Highschool I had a deep passion for poetry, it was something I always loved and was really good at. My Teacher, Ms. Brown never made me feel like I could not do anything. Even the Pastor and Founder of the School Mount Pleasant Christian Academy made me feel like I could do anything that I put my mind to. They made me feel like it was blessing to be Black, not a burden like this world seems to make people feel who are a part of the Black Diaspora. If you believe in yourself and what you do, it doesn't matter what other people believe.

       Just because people are afraid to dream big, and are complacent in what they do don't stop. Your walk through life is not theirs, and their walk is not yours. always strive for excellence, and never place yourself in a box, even if others may do so. Compete only with yourself, and never settle. I feel like people have always doubted me; my potential, and what I was capable of accomplishing. I have always felt like the underdog, and have had to prove myself in quite a few instances. But I'm cool with that because I realize that people place you in boxes that they really place themselves in. Meaning; people reflect their own insecurities on you instead of doing better for themselves, it is easier to tear you down instead of attempting to build themselves up. It's just a never-ending cycle of self-destructive perpetual negative thoughts and reflective behavior. I for one don't have the time or energy to entertain that or any type of negative behaviors.

       I just want to leave you with this thought, you are important! You are worthy, and I love you! I feel like there were times in my life I wanted to hear that, I damn near yearned for it and it never was said to me. When I was at my lowest point and felt like I wanted to die or to be saved from my own self-destructive behavior, nothing was said. There are going to be times in life where someone isn't going to be encouraging to you. People won't tell you things that you may even deserve to hear or have said to you. You have got to learn to LOVE YOURSELF and INSPIRE YOURSELF!!!! Remember that no matter what you decided to do the decision begins and ends with YOU! I have realized a long time ago that my words have power, that when I speak and write people listen to me. That my words mean something to people, even if I don't know them. I have not really used this platform that I have to the best of my abilities, and for those who read this know that I will do better by you. I don't take for granted the nearly 10,000 people worldwide who read my posts! I want to better myself daily with this and I want everyone to partake in this journey I find myself a part of. Never Ever give up, because the last time you gave up may have been the next time you could have found yourself reaching heights even greater than you could have fathomed!

Lifestyles and Life lessons

    It's moments like the one I'm experiencing now where I feel alone. That there's no one that understands exactly how I feel and what I'm going through. I have much to be blessed and happy about, especially since I'm still here. Alive and kicking with my soul still in tact. I've been having a very trying time as of late and I'm in need of many answers from the man upstairs. I ALWAYS try to keep up an optimistic mindset, even when I find that situations in my life are trying to overwhelm me. I just realize more and more that the road I trod will never be an easy one, and I'm not expecting it to be either. But I do wish that there were more people there then my family. However, Realistically that's the only people that will always wind up being there.

    I don't know, maybe I just expect way too much from people. I've always felt like my level of loyalty and care was much more then it should have been for most people anyway. But that's nothing to feel bad about right? I just know I'll ALWAYS keep my head held high even when things aren't looking so great. You must believe in something, even when it looks like believing appears it's not getting anywhere. I never keep a defeated spirit, and life always has a way of moving in your favor when you just let GOD handle the rest.

   I realize you should never really put your very all into anyone who doesn't do that with you. I guess it's me growing up, not putting all my eggs in one basket. I haven't given up on people, I've just given up on investing unwarranted time into those that don't deserve it anyway. Yea, that's what it is. Life is an interesting situation, that's what makes it so great in the first place. Never give in or give up, just move forward and stay Persistent. Because Persistent Men Excel....