The Worth of Melanin

       Even now as I sit here; thinking to myself what I'm going to speak about, a bunch of different thoughts are rushing through my mind as always. I'm wondering whether or not I'm going to speak about one thing, or a bunch of different things at once. You see, the things I express on these posts are 110% my OWN thoughts and FEELINGS! Something that frankly I've never really been good at when I wasn't writing. Well that's partly true though, I'll more so say I've yet to have someone fully understand where I'm coming from or how I view something. People are so sensitive about what you say to them but don't care how they speak to you. I feel like in so many ways I've always had to water down who I was so that I wouldn't offend other people. I've never been a momentary thinker, I believe in looking far beyond just the here and now. I've viewed myself as having the power to change things around me, believing in myself when no one else did. I have had to learn to celebrate myself even when others have not. I have lost countless times in many things I've been apart of, and yet I still go on. All I genuinely ever really wanted was for people to believe in me, to show me love and support and even befriend me. In many ways my trust in people has always been on alert because in the end people have hurt me or betrayed me on some level. The times I have been at my lowest I feel like all people really did was just leave me to bare it all alone, but that's something I've grown accustomed to doing. You see greatness doesn't happen overnight; and life can be cruel, but you have  got to realize that not everyone who's with you on this race called life will end it with you happily. along the way you lose people and they won't come back, and that's not always a bad thing either.

       I had a woman once tell me that she loved me but she couldn't be with me, and that confused the shit out of me at the time because I just couldn't understand why. How could you love someone as deeply as she still does love me and not want to be with me? The hard truth is sometimes that's just the way life is, and sometimes there isn't any other thought provoking "deep way" of looking at it. You can love someone and realize you two just can't be. Life changes people everyday, and I'm a prime example of that. How I use to be is a totally different person compared to how I am now. depending on who you may ask, that person may tell you their thoughts of me. Frankly at this juncture in my life I don't really care to be everything to everyone because I can't be. It's hard enough to be everything you need to be to yourself, while still being yourself and still trying to make everyone else happy. People may not know this about me, but I sincerely hate to disappoint people. That probably stems from the fact that I felt like throughout my life as a teen and growing up I feel that I disappointed my family more then made them happy. From doing all types of unspeakable wild things while going to one of the worst middle schools on the East side of Harlem; A.E.S (Academy of Environmental Science Secondary School), which by the way doesn't even exist anymore because it was that bad. To fighting almost everyday, stealing, lying acting out, having concealed weapons. My mother, aunts and grandmother (GOD rest her soul) even looked in my room once to see if I had been selling drugs because I was that out of control and had no real grip on my life. 

       Then my Aunts came up with a solution to put me in a private school on the West side of Harlem called MPCA (Mount Pleasant Christian Academy). To be honest this is where I learned that I was a KING and my passion for poetry and writing resented from. I have ALWAYS been intrigued with business. How they run, how to make them better and having the leadership and ambition to drive a business to the pinnacle. I have always taken pride in my mind and how it works, pushing my brain to peaks far beyond what others think is possible. To be honest I have to give MPCA that credit because they made me believe in myself. They made me realize that I wasn't just another statistic. That where I grew up didn't make a difference to how successful I was going to be in life. We went on international trips, we learned how to appreciate being BLACK when the world made us feel like being Black was a sin. We fed the homeless, worshipped and prayed. I feel like that was some of the best times of my life to be honest. I felt like there were others like me who grew up where I did and appreciated me for who I was and let me be myself without judging me. I owe those teachers and the Principle of that school more then I could ever pay back to them. I also owe the Blue Niles Rights of Passage because that program taught me to also appreciate being a "Strong Intelligent Black Man"! My cousin and I went to that program every damn Saturday for Nine months before we Both went through the "Passing Through" Ceremony that also had some shaping in my life. We had to memorize a creed, had to learn "Lift Every Voice and Sing", learn health and wellness, economic awareness, we had to wear a Dashiki and Kufi. It was the embodiment of appreciating your Blackness and not being ashamed of it. 

      Now there wasn't always a time in my life where I loved being Black the way I have for a very long time now. I use to not feel Black enough being aound other Black children because I was told "I speak too white". Now as ignorant and far from the truth as that may be; I can't even blame them for that, because they we raised to think that way. To lessen what it means to be Black, and make what greatness you have be so small because the world makes it seem like it's nothing. Look at the images on Television and the potrayal of Black Women and Black Men. That all Black people are lazy and all we do is live off of food stamps and collect goverment assistance. That every Black Man leaves his family and the Black woman has to be a father and mother to their children. That the Black Woman is loud and angry, and has major attitude issues. That Black Women and Black Men have many children from different mothers and fathers. That all Black Males are career criminals and sell drugs and go to prison. That all Black Men and Women have countless children but never get married. To make things even worse Complexion and Color amongst Black people are at an all time high, when we are ALL BLACK no matter the hue of our complexion. It just seems to me that throughout life we are programmed as Black children that we're all bad. That we won't be anything more then worthless. About four years ago I watched this documentary called "Dark Girls" that actually came out on November 11th 2011. To make a long story short this documentary discussed the deep rooted biased behaviors that Dark skin Women, outside and within American culture face on a daliy basis.  It broke my heart to see this documentary because I just wish that we showed each other the love and appreciation to one another that is deserved.

      I for one have and will ALWAYS WILL Love, Adore and Appreciate Black Women. Not only for their strength, but for their love and greatness that they hold. To see on the news that these Black women have been missing and there is no REAL news or out cry about it is extremely mind boggling. 
And what angers me more then anything else is the fact that this has been going on for this long and we are just now hearing about this? How I even found out what was going on was through my Social Media, then actually doing research about this issue, and finding out this goes back way farther then this year. To know that there actually is a Black Market where my whole entire body is up for sale and there are people out there that will pay top dollar for it is appalling and evil! 
So I am not suppose to protect and look out for Black Women when there is actually heinous things like this going on? To know that this is nothing new http://aggregatepress.org/organ-trafficking-melanin-theory-the-fountain-of-youth/ , and this type of ungodly shit is happening and no one seems to even bat an eye because it involves Black women. Why does it seem like whenever there is an issue involving Black people we are overlooked? Even this latest ad by Pepsi with Kendall Jenner; just adds more anger to what I already feel when it shows the respect people don't seem to have for Black women, or for the struggles Black people face on a consistent basis. 
       There is something that I want to leave you with no matter who you are; realize that Black people are and always will be an elite group of individuals, no matter what negative box you place us in. No matter the negative stigmas you loom us with or the hatred you show us because we love who we are.  It doesn't matter how many times you make us look bad or the falsified statics you continuously spew against us, we will ALWAYS RISE above it ALL! It matters not that you had us shackled in chains and made us slaves because slaves weren't on those ships. Kings, Queens, Judges, Lawyers, Scientist, Mathematicians, Artists, and Leaders of the Future were on those ships. No matter what labels you may place on Black People, remember we are here to stay. To shape this world and be the creators of a new tomorrow today. "I am so tired of waiting, Aren't you, for the world to become good and beautiful and kind? Let us take a knife and cut the world in two and see what worms are eating" -Langston Hughes

(BELIEVE) (IN) (YOU)R DREAMS!

     This is just something to encourage those that need it. For the people that have lost all hope for each and everything in their lives. This is for the people who dream big, and feel like things aren't coming along the way they wanted them to. Lets be honest, life can be VERY hard and difficult to get through sometimes. Of course you're alive and people tell you not to complain because things could always be worse, but that doesn't erase the fact that you want things to change. It doesn't change the fact that you may feel like things will never work in your favor, and you're just tired of failures and disappointments. You're feeling alone, and in your mind there is no one that is going through what you are. 

     I'm here to say that there is a host of individuals out in this world dealing with the same issues you may be going through. As big as this world is someone at this very moment wants change, and what you may not realize is their situation is much more difficult then your own. Now this doesn't negate how you feel, or mean you don't have the right to be frustrated or upset. I'm just saying keep moving forward and trying your very best, no matter how you're feeling or what everyone else thinks. The people we admire the most or aspire to be like, didn't get to where they are by feeling sorry for themselves, or give into a defeated mentality. They gave every inch of their very being until they couldn't give anymore.

      Life was never meant to be easy, if it was then there would be no such thing as success stories. We couldn't inspire anyone else to be better, because we would all have everything in our lives together. But since that's definitely not the case; it's your job to not only keep trying, but to encourage yourself. Appreciate who you see in the mirror, love them, and support them even when no one else will. I guarantee that once you do that internally, externally you'll pour out what you believe. Success wasn't built overnight, so don't expect it to happen that way. Instead keep trying, even when you're worried and want to give in. Just believe in your dreams, and everyone else will follow suit and believe in them also. Remember there is no such thing as a loser, there is only such a person who lost momentarily to go back and win the next time.

THE BLACK SON RISE

   Who do I go to when I have my moments of being vulnerable? Feeling like things aren't sorting out the way I want them to, even when I pray and attempt to be as optimistic as possible. I already know that life isn't always smiles and giggles, but it has to be way more then what I'm getting now. I look at people around me who do nothing but evil and they get EVERYTHING. It appears like they live a carefree life full of happiness and prosperity while I seem to work hard for nothing. I honestly want to give up constantly because it seems like there's just no use in trying. The more trying I endeavor to do it seems like I fall deeper into my own abyss of sorrows and pain. I have the option to either keep on trying or just give up right then and there. But is giving up the easier part or is it the part of sticking with it the hardest?

   Most people will NEVER understand how it feels to be a Black Male in America unless you are one already. It doesn't matter whether you're successful, or not. When people see you you're already placed in a box of failure, drugs, violence, incarceration or being a dead beat father. What's even more sad is the fact that all of these situations have plagued the African American community seemingly forever. You turn on the television, read it in news paper, even by word of mouth you hear something about someone you know having been apart of each situation. It saddens me to know that people give up on black males like there's just no hope for US. 

   Then again, just because you have fallen deep into any or every one of those situations, it doesn't mean the end. I believe that God places us in certain situations to not only prove we can endure, but to show others it can be done. I believe that individuals find it a lot easier to judge and categorize people instead of giving them a sense of hope. A part of me doesn't believe that black males who face those issues constantly want to be where they are. I believe fear and even settling causes them to be where they are, but it isn't anyone else's place to judge. The reason I can express it the way that I have is because I am a Black Man, and I feel like God has the FINAL say in where anyone winds up going in life. Society has no right to give anyone an eternal mark, but they do it anyway.

    I think that after awhile it's human nature to judge people. It becomes the very fabric of an individuals being sometimes. However, statistics don't automatically mean failure unless you take it on internally. We have the capability to change ANYTHING if we believe within ourselves it can be changed. People should base individuals individually but they don't, and why is that? I believe; because deep down inside, they themselves are facing their own demons they constantly battle. Life is an ever changing situation, which means that people can change also. 

   Just like there are failures, there are situations of success and triumphs. I believe you have to dig deep within yourself and encourage yourself even if others don't. You MUST face life, and you don't always have to accept things for what they are either. Just as certain as the moon will rise when night falls, there's a chance for a brighter tomorrow. Believe when no one else does and achieve because it's your God given right to do so. There's a reason why God called us sons, because we have just as much power to change this world and rise to the pinnacle as the Sun rises in the morning. 

The flower you threw away

My bed use to feel empty because I was empty without you there. 

I remember when I wouldn't even lay on the left side because you weren't there to share it with me.

My heart use to be filled with a mixture of sadness and hatred when your name was spoken. 

When I see babies even now I think about how we were going to have twins that we lost. 

And when you left me I felt lost, like I didn't know what else to do. 

You were my only friend when I had no one else to confide in.

You were the support that I thought I had when times were rough. 

But then something happened...things began to be different.

Now when I think of you I feel sad for you, not because of what you did but what will happen.

Life has a funny way of changing the roles for people.

I mean even in the bible it say "The first shall be last & the last shall be first".

I've learned over the years that GOD has been preparing me for something bigger then the moments I planned for "US".

The dreams I envisioned of your belly being big while you walked around pregnant with my children and you being my wife. 

Sharing a life with OUR daughter whether she is mine by blood or not.

GOD took you away from me; the family I always wanted of my own, the babies I was ready to have, because in order for me to truly appreciate all those things I had to lose them. 

It's almost like my whole world crumbled; I genuinely wasn't the same for a long time because you weren't there by my side, to love me the way I wanted you to.

I'm a man yes; I mean I'm not suppose to cry right? I'm suppose to not care right? 

But I was hurt, and I cried almost everyday because I missed you and OUR daughter whether she was biologically mine or not. 

I was lonely and lonesome but I never lost hope in myself.

Ive learned to love me with every fiber of my being, the same way I poured my love into you and your child.

I've always been the type of man that fears only GOD himself, another man that breathes like I do sparks not one ounce of fear into me, because why should he?

But I feared losing your love and you showed me that you didn't love me the same.

I can admit I could have done better in many instances, but the good I gave should have outweighed any bad I did.

I mean relationships have ups and downs; trials and tribulations, but the love should never leave because mistakes were made.

I can truly say that I've never loved another woman the same way I loved you. 

My actions proved that when I gave you babies that GOD took from us; but whether you believe that or not, just know that me being with you was never a game to me...it was VERY REAL.

Well now that I know what love feels like I can thank GOD he at least allowed that to happen.

My mission to be a billionaire is literally happening in less then ten years, and me being a millionaire WILL happen this year like I said it would.

Though you left me I want to thank you, you showed me that you would do something to me I would have NEVER done to you.

You showed me what I don't want a woman to do to me because things aren't going too well momentarily.

I could never hate you and I would never wish you any harm, I truly wish you the very best in life.

I partly want to thank you for leaving me; because I believe in me even more then I ever did, the way I wanted you to be there to believe in me, the way I've always believed in you.

I'm not bitter whatsoever, I honestly feel like I'm better now.

I didn't even have to go to therapy like I was going to do, I just stopped doing what I use to.

One thing I'll always do is believe in myself even if nobody else believes in me.

I will always love and do for me even if no one else does, because I've got a legacy to leave.

It's bigger then just today and tomorrow, it's about shaping and changing the world forever.

I truly have love for you and partly my heart hurts because of you, but I don't blame you. 

"Time doesn't move back it moves forward, you can't run away from the pain run towards it".

Jay-Z said it best because that's truly how I've learned to deal with my life. 

I truly hope that you get the happiness you deserve and you get the love, life & family I did want with you, even if with someone else. 

I was never taught how to be a man or to love a woman the right way because I didn't have a man there to even show me, but Lord knows I did try my very best to.

I'm sure that the love and family; wife and kids I do desire is out there for me, but for now I'll just continue to strive for the pinnacle.

I can truly say that this year and the years to come are looking very bright for me, and I'm proud of the man I've become and continue to strive to be.

"GROW THROUGH WHAT YOU GO THROUGH"; because even when a flower wants to grow, it can still grow through concrete. 

Persistent Men Excel...So believe in you even if no one else does!

Sins of Yesterday's Past

It's funny how you can never live past your past sins and transgressions no matter how much you've changed for the better. My heart filled with strain; my eyes filled with pain when you look straight into them. I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve, but you want someone to believe in your change. I have a changed mindset but you can bet that no one will see it. People have the tendency to see what they want to; forget what you do, and can care less how true to you you've been. A sin is a sin but how can I win when my sins are accounted for. The more I try I realize that my past at times hinders my present presently. It's almost like my destiny has been set for me; I'm in this never ending race you see...But it's alright, it's ok, I'll keep trying anyway; because what I've done in my past, doesn't make me who I am today...

In Due season

   The Darkest hour in someone's life is when they realize the greatness they hold. It's when they realize that all they have internally will come forth. They will realize that all they believe will be achieved. I've always said that things may not happen when you want them to but they will always happen whenever you need them to. Those words so simple hold so much power and I believe them. I believe them because part of me realizes that all great things don't come overnight, or when we want them to at that moment. If things were that simple to get; how would we truly appreciate something, if we didn't understand the struggle to truly possess it? All great things don't come to an end; all that happens is something new takes the place of it.

   I won't portray myself as a person who knows it all because I don't. I won't say that I have the answers to become successful because I'm trying to figure out the answers myself. What I will say is I'm a man who has gone through a few hardships in my life to shed some light on knowing that better days are coming. Sitting around and waiting for things to change and get better won't do anything. All that will happen is time will go by and you'll find yourself years later; much older asking yourself why didn't you do more, and the only one to blame is one you see in the mirror...Yourself!

   Remembering moments when I was nearly homeless twice; going uptown to the welfare place with my family almost begging to keep our place. Fighting to stay in an apartment my grandmother had in her name for years before she passed away. Remembering how embarrassed I felt being there with my sisters and mother. Feeling like a criminal, giving my social security number; having people say we couldn't even get food stamps because my mother made too much. Then my Aunts stepped in and gave money to make sure we stayed in our home. Our Angels in disguise.

    I remember when I worked my ass off for a a company for only $7.50/hr. Me not being complacent with complacency worked my way up to an assistant manager in less then 3 months. By the time I had been there not even a year I had already been ready to run my own store. But God obviously had other plans for my life so I went from that company to another. Only being there for a month and a half I was respected by everyone I worked with and was treated like I was a manager, though I was just a sales associate. Now no longer working even for that company I truly wonder where my destiny lies?

   I realize that I am obviously meant to create my own companies, orchestrate my own ways of making a living and helping other individuals reach their fullest potential. I read somewhere that if you are truly a leader you do not make followers but create other leaders. I believe those words because I myself have taken the responsibility of realizing I am a leader. Not because I wanted to always be one, because I remember when I didn't; I've come to accept it, even embracing it because I realize that my purpose is to show others the greatness they hold within. Truly understanding other people and accepting who they are is understanding and accepting the person you are first.

    How can I proclaim to be a leader and take on the roles of leadership if I am afraid to lead? Moreover; being a leader is also understanding you don't know everything, and allowing others to lead the way when it is necessary to. You cannot be intimidated by someone else's potential or be angry if those you lead do better then you do; just take that as a sign of who you are, and the kind of people you mold into being great.

   When I find myself writing I don't ever do it for the people already established or those who appear to have it all. I do it for the have nots, the underdogs. I do it for the mother who is a single parent who gives her daughter everything she never had, and wants to be the example of a woman to her daughter she never had growing up. I do it for the man who works three jobs to make sure that his children want for nothing and his wife has the world; and though he is not rich he finds happiness in his family. I do it for those homeless people we already walk pass; judging them, telling each other "they don't have to be homeless", and not even know their story. It's easy to judge the path you never walked down when you yourself have never been down that route.

  I said all that to say that a change is going to come; a shift in fortune will cause you to see that all the trials and tribulations you have suffered, will have not been in vain. You have to believe what you can't see and realize that even when all seems lost everything will work in your favor. I would be a liar if I didn't say that as I'm writing this; I wasn't compelled to give up sometimes myself when things don't seem to go the way I planned for, even when I give my very best. But a part of me realizes that all that pain and hurt is only temporary. That happiness and gain will replace all that has been seemingly lost.

   If I haven't said this already; or you are still unsure what I want you to realize, remember that you have to do what works for you. What's going to make you happy is important. I may not have all the answers to life, I may also not be able to point out the best methods to have you get through whatever hardships or circumstances you're facing either. What I can tell you though is the best lessons are learned through hardships; because they not only show you who you are, but make you realize that there still others going through much worse.

   Trust and believe in your own potential even when it appears that all hope is lost. Remember we all have a purpose in life and we are set here to not only figure it out, but share it with the world. Life will present to you your true purpose in due time, just believe in your potential unseen and remember your greatness from within in.