Love Is ™

Love is Passion, Love is Pain.
Love is Struggles, Love is Strain.
But Love doesn't cut you to the Vein.
Love isn't divided, Love is United.
Love is indifferent, it's NEVER one Sided.
Love is beautiful no matter the Race.
Love can travel through time and Space.
Love doesn't care about your sex or your Preferences.
Love doesn't need a reason like a job needs References.
Love is more than a concept, it is beyond an Idea.
Love is the first kiss kind of moment, but you get the Idea.
Love has the power to make you Believe.
Love has the capacity to push you to Achieve.
Love is Fearless, Love is Bold.
Love is the never ending story, expressed & Untold.
Love is as deep as the sea in the Abyss.
Love feels like giving your true love that very first Kiss.
Love is mental, it's not just Physical.
Love shouldn't hurt or ever get Physical.
Love is what keeps us; believe me, it's true.
But in order to achieve this feat, it starts with YOU!

Reality

Sleepless nights with nobody but my thoughts and inner self to listen to me. 

Feeling lonely, like I want to be loved but I haven't loved myself in a long time.

Now I love me and I wonder if now I have time to love anyone else but me?

My heart is filled with all the love I can give but it always seems like I never give enough though.

I'm out here hoping and wishing I can be the man I never had around me.

And I feel bad for my dad; he just had a heart attack Friday, and I was sad but we reap what we sow.

I don't wish any anything but the best for the man who was never there for me.

He came back into my life when he thought I was having twins; and when they died because a doctor carelessly made the wrong decision, he was gone like the heartbeats of my unborn kids.

Seems like my life for a long time was a roller coaster of endless negativity.

And the people I thought was riding by my side was'nt fucking with me.

I find myself looking at other peoples babies, feeling sad because I just want my own little one.

Someone to look after and love the way I wanted to be loved. 

And for awhile I loved someone else's child like she was my own daughter; love and nurture her like I was there the day she was born, tried to be the daddy to her I never had.

But all I heard was I wasn't giving her the things she needed; that all I did was strike fear in her, I was even told I was just like my father.

How can I be like the man who was never there when I was always there? 

Hell I was in that girls life more then the biological father she never even knew, that made it apparent he didn't want to have anything to do with her.

Yea I came in her life when she was five going on six and now she's seven, but that's more birthdays then her "Real" father was apart of.

Having people tell me I'm not her real dad; but I'm the one showing her how to tie her own shoes, teaching her how to read, going to every parent teacher conference meeting and paid for her sixth birthday when no one else had money to do it. 

I even got her into a school that was the top school in East Harlem, but I'm not a good father?

Paid for bills in a home where people made me feel like I didn't belong, moved there just to be around the woman I would have given my heart out of my own chest if she needed to survive. 

But she left me because I just wasn't the same?

How could I be the same when shit in my life wasn't the same, and all I wanted you to do was be there for me. 

And I gave you EVERYTHING; even babies that I would have raised like I was raising the little one you already had, if GOD hadn't taken them before I had a chance to say I loved them. 

And it angers me because you made it seem like I was the worse man in the world, you probably even talked bad about me to other people. 

And thoughts of what you could be doing have raced through my mind 

How the way you feel about me could change in two months when we were together for nearly two years and I knew you for three.

It's interesting how people can be here today and gone in an hour. 

What happened to us having unconditional love for one another forever?

I forgave myself when no one else did because deep down I never forgave myself. 

I blamed myself for a lot, but you can't go around in life feeling sorry for yourself.

But God never gives us more then we can handle, and Lord knows that I've handled a lot. 

I'm just out here believing and grinding for that top spot. 

Trying my best to be a man that I was never taught to be by my father.

Trying to make sure that my mother doesn't have to work another day in her life again.

Attempting to leave a legacy that will evolve history forever and do everything people said couldn't be done.

The best lesson I could have learned was "sometimes you have to encourage yourself".

Be your own support system even if no one else supports what you do. 

Stop trying to be everything to everyone and forget to do nothing for yourself. 

Remember Dreams only move forward when you give them feet to roam; without breathing life into that thought, your reality will cease to exist and be but a dream!

Be the light in your own life you try to shed on everyone else's life; because when your own light gets dim, the only person that can reignite that internal flame of yours, is you....

IX XX MMXIII

   I love you, for who you are and who you are destined to be. I accept who you were and who you are, because who you are will change this world. Yes people will laugh at you and make you feel like your dreams are unreachable, the ones who you hold near and dear to your heart will leave you and the ones who you invest all your time and energy in will suck the very fiber of your being out of your soul. You will second guess yourself because you fear that what you hoped for will be unreachable. You will feel sick to your stomach with fear and at times you will hold yourself back because of that doubt. But deep down you know that EVERYTHING will be in your favor. How can you be who you're destined to be if you don't walk in that faith of knowing that you're predestined for greatness? Life will bring you down and tear you down and make you feel like nothing. However; at that very moment when you've given all that that's deep down inside, and you feel like you've given the last bit of who you are into what you believe can't be done, at that moment you'll see that ALL adversities faced, you will overcome them. Love you, appreciate and accept YOU;  because besides GOD loving you, self love is the most important love you'll ever have. 

      We often seek love from everywhere and everyone because we seek some level of validation. We believe that having so many people around us and having every lavish thing you can think of makes us who we are. But if you think about it, how can you seek to have material things and inconsistent people validate what type of importantance you have? I have had a tough few years in my own life. Losing twins that I genuinely wanted, losing a relationship that I truly was invested in, losing myself because I wanted to be everything to everyone and still not being who I was. And GOD took all of that and so much more that I haven't even written here. And it was at that very moment of finally losing a long term committed relationship that I genuinely wanted to be apart of, that I realized that it was not meant to be. Frankly I have nothing but great things to say about the woman I was with because she was and still is a great, ambitious, loving, caring and outstanding woman. She was everything I could have ever hoped for. She was the woman that showed me that even when I'm down she's there to pick me up. I guess with me writing so many remarkable things about her you wonder why we didn't last. Well it's because how can two walk unless they agree? How can two people be together even if they love one another if they have lost sight of who they are? How can you love a person with every fiber of your being and not love yourself?

      For me I've always felt the need to seek validation from the ones that I hold so near and dear to my own heart. I've always felt the need to prove my love and allegiance to people that mean something to me. What I've come to realize however is that you can not be everything to everyone else and nothing to yourself. How can I tell you that you're beautiful and that you're the best thing that GOD ever created if I can't and don't believe that about myself? It contradicts so many different things when you have that warped way of thinking. I've always been a very laid back and quite person upon meeting people. I usually stay to myself and give myself the opportunity to get to know people before I actually open my mouth and converse with them. Honestly people are so judgemental of you that it can be hard to be yourself. What I'm here to express is that even if someone doesn't like who you are; they are forced to respect it because you are being who you are, caring less about what they think. Now I am not saying that you should be mean or disrespectful and have the mindset "this is who I am and you're just going to have to deal with it" way of thinking. What I am saying is if you're who you are without thought of really caring about the opinions of others, then people are just going to accept it. We often try so hard to have people shape and mold us into what they believe we should be when they themselves aren't even comfortable in their own skin. 

     Now I loved and still do love the woman I was in a relationship with for almost two years, and have known for almost three years. I don't hate her and I genuinely want her to be happy even if it's not with me. My own pride would say that I don't want her to be with anyone else but with me, but then I would be selfish. If it's meant to be it will be, you don't have to force anything. I could have done a lot differently but if I'm going to be honest I would have not been able to; because it wasn't until things truly went down hill and I was meant to find who I was, that I came to the realization of things. It's only through chaos and anarchy that you realize what peace truly is. You can never truly appreciate the finer things in life; if you have never known what it took to actually go after it, when you had nothing at all.  To be honest with you I feel lost; like I'm alone and that there in a hole in my heart where she laid so peacefully, like a baby lay sweetly on the bosom of his mother. But sometimes the most beautiful love has to end for you to realize that maybe it wasn't the best love. Maybe it wasn't the only love. Maybe it wasn't the right time to have that love. Whatever the reason may have been that the love I wanted more then I wanted to breathe didn't work may forever be a mystery. Sometimes life is just that complex that the answers won't ever really have one real direct answer. 

     Won't you stay with me until we grow old and watch our children have children? When we sit on the porch and drink a cold glass of lemonade remembering how we use to dream of that house that we always wanted and received. How I told you that we would grow old together and I would die by your side because you are my soul mate. But I'm hurt to the depths of my soul because you're no longer here to endure forever with. Sometimes those I love you's fade away like the storms of yesterday's past into a new day brighter then the last. Now two have become one but that doesn't mean it's the end, but at least for now it is. Life can be a hurtful truth and we will not always like the answers that it hands to us. As life grows and evolves as should we. I honestly haven't grown this much as I have in a long time. Yes I've grown physically and I've been a man for quite some time now, but my mental capacity as a human being has not been this high in such a long time. If I sat down and really told you all the heartache and pain I've endured; the trials and tribulations I've overcome, you would think I was not a human being. I've been predestined for great things since before I was even conceived in the womb. I believe in me even if no one else does, and I live for and love myself even if only GOD loves me. 

     I've expressed this thought to my mother and sisters ever since this year has started, that this is the year of accomplishments. This is the year of believing in your dreams and aspirations even if other people don't. This is the year to move mountains and take that leap of faith even if it seems like nothing is going right. This is the year to do all that you hope, believe in and desire to do, because the time Inwhich you will have to do it again may NEVER happen again. The things Inwhich I will do will cause me to become a billionaire. I will be a man that has influence and my businesses will change the world and how it's viewed forever. I've always believed in leaving a legacy and building something that the generations after can continue to have and flourish with. However; if I'm going to be frank with you, I would have not come back to this way of thinking if I hadn't lost all that I have. I've realized with all that was lost, it is my duty to give back. To continue that "each one teach one" way of thinking that the African proverbs have taught me. I have genuinely forgiven myself for all that I've done and have moved forward. I have left all that once was and have started focusing on what is going to be. I can not and will not make anyone love me or be with me even if they chose not to be. Yes I may cry and be broken hearted, but that is temporary. The memories never fade away it's just that the people do sometimes. 

      I've given all I've had to give and loved as much as I could have possibly loved. September 20th, 2013 (IX XX MMXIII) will forever live in my heart. I won't ever forget that day because that's when I realized what love was. Though it hurts that we couldn't work out I wish you the very best. I've got to live my life and change this world and give all that's inside of me that I wanted to give to you. With all that I have lost; what I have gained has meant more then anything else, and that is my peace of mind...

Don't be fooled, just keep on reading

       I just want to be everything to you, but I can't be everything to everyone. My heart is big; but It's not something that everyone has the pleasure of having. I know that I will fuck up, say things, do things; maybe even make you cry, but I'm worth it. I'm not perfect but I make life worth it. I have a heart that's big as the tallest building but my love isn't as deep as the abyss. I can't be everything to everyone because I'm only ONE person. We tend to always talk about the women in our lives who give and do so much, and I genuinely commend them. But what about the good men out there that seemingly get overlooked? What about the Fathers, brothers, sons, boyfriends and husbands that handle their business in any and every scenario possible? It's always been interesting to me to see women take the opportunity on social media to commend seeing posts and pictures that express how men should cater to their needs and be available to do any and everything that their hearts desires. That all men are dogs and a man should be proud to have her because she's "a blessing from above" . Well here is a post that will give anyone (specifically speaking to women right now) who believe this way of thinking applies in all situations will wind up alone; or better yet, stay alone. A relationship is all about GIVE and TAKE, not just giving or not just taking. It's about a significant level of balance on both ends of the spectrum. Now I am a man that was raised by strong women his entire life. So I for one know far too well what a strong, independent black woman looks like. My mother, grandmother, sisters and Aunts deserve the world and so much more because they did and still do so much. 

       I would never let anyone disrespect or treat them less then great because they are great women; but the way we were all raised, we were taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. To listen, communicate and respect the way Inwhich we expect others to do for us. Frankly I feel women want to talk and never listen, to express but not want to be expressed to and they want you to show them emotions but tell you that you're way too sensitive when you express you are being mistreated by them. I can admit that women get the short end of the stick in quite a few scenarios; however, that doesn't justify the fact that you should cater to your man if you want to be catered to. Now I am not talking about the women catering to a man who does nothing for you emotionally, mentally or physically. That's not a real relationship and not only is it unhealthy; but it will lead to resentment and hatred and cause cheating, and I don't condone that behavior no matter who's doing it. Your love life won't always be filled with kisses and hugs, and honestly it's not suppose to be. But there should be more moments of happiness and smiles then anything else. I can only speak for myself when I say this; I don't expect my significant other to do for me what I do for her every time I do something for her, but I do expect her to do for me the way I do for her. What I mean by that is if I give 100% I expect 100% in return. I've always hated hearing when people say "relationships are based off both giving 50/50". My response right after I hear that is "if both people give 50% then really we're only giving half of what we should in that relationship". 

       People don't realize that it's truly power in words! That what you say to someone can make or break that person. It can alter the very fiber of who they are forever. My mother often told my two sisters and I as children; even now as adults, that it's not what you say it's how you say things. My mother also has told us that sorry doesn't always make situations better; and I'll add on to that by saying, at times the damage has already been done once you spew out that unnecessary hatred you may feel temporaryly. In the heat of the moment we ALL say things we may not mean or fully mean, but it doesn't justify saying it because you're upset at that moment. In that moment you can say something that cuts so deep that person you knew may be someone totally different. It's power in the tongue; and if you have read the bible, clearly it expresses that often throughout passages in the bible. 

       I will say this though; love is a constant battle, and I don't mean arguing or fighting, but a constant changing agent. A union between two people who love one another and will do whatever it takes to preserve what they have. Sometimes in life we tend to take one another for granted. You become so use to having that person around that you become content. Honestly I feel like you get so content that you forgot about that moment you two fell in love. You forgot about how you use to have butterflies every time you heard their name or whenever you saw them. You get so deep into everything that you want and expect to have, allowing yourself to overlook what's right in front of you. When did "WE" turn into "ME"? You've got to swallow your pride and realize that what you have is worth more then the most expensive artifact in the world. I speak from experience when I say that you must adore and appreciate the the little things in life. Don't be so wrapped up in trying to gain the world and lose sight of the ones you hold dear in YOUR OWN WORLD! 

      As a man its human nature for us to be hesitant to be the bigger person and apologize; even if to a certain degree we didn't do something wrong, and it was you that did it. Just don't make it worse by making us feel more bad then we already do. As my sister Autumn has told me; "be graceful when you're right", it's really no reason to make a bad situation. Communication, Respect and Honesty are the three key components in a relationship that seem to get overlooked by people. The deciding factor to me is who can be the bigger person and say they apologize? When you love someone you love them for who they are and not what you can gain from them. It is so rare to have people love each other for no other reason but for the reason of love. It seems to me like people of my generation hold so much emphasis on gaining something because of fear of losing everything. Seeing it happen to their parent or friends or even themselves. It's almost like you're expecting so much because you're fearful that that person will give you nothing back. But like pookie (my mrs) always tells me; "you've got to give for all the right reasons, because people won't always give you back what you've given to them". Frankly she's right! When you cater to or give your loved one something; do it because you want to reassure them of your love for them, and not a ego booster. If I've lost you for a split second; what I mean is don't do anything so you can throw it up later, making it seem like you're so great. You really may be, but do it because you just want to see your loved one happy!

     I know that Eva (my mrs) loves me and there's no one that can express otherwise to me. I've taken her for granted in a lot of instances. She's been the ONLY woman in my life that I've been in a committed relationship with that has loved me for ME! Not for what she can gain or what I can give her, but for me. I remember when I lost my job from a company that let me go due to racism. I felt less then a man because I was use to being a man who provides and she continued to stay with me. That was at the beginning of our relationship; which was a testament to me, which made me realize that she wasn't into me because I was making a lot of money but for the fact I made her laugh and smile. Happiness is key and without it you can lose yourself or maybe even those who mean the world to you. I remember when I would say "I don't want to gain the world, I just want to matter in it". Frankly I still do; but if I don't have the love from my pookie and my daughter and my mother and sisters, fuck everything else! What I do know is I have NEVER loved and will NEVER love another woman the way I love MY pookie bear! Her love is boundless and no one can tell me otherwise. You know who was always there and who never really was there when you are at your lowest. 

        I do hope that I have given someone the opportunity to realize what they have and cherish it, because life has a way of taking away who or what you take for granted. Cater to the ones you love and give of yourself continuously! With us losing twins due to doctor malpractice, dealing with losing family members and a slew of other craziness her love still remains. With love like that I see why I've had to endure so much to get who I'm blessed to have! Hard times build strong people, we endure much to acquire much in the end. Be scared to lose the ones you love because they mean that much to you. NEVER take people for granted especially when you love them...

Love thy neighbor; but Love thyself FIRST!

   Trapped in my own thoughts, wondering if I can ever amount to the expectations set by those around me. Am I man enough for the woman I have? Am I a good son, brother, nephew, father and friend? It's funny because I've seen myself as this great guy; and in many instances I am, but seeking perfection is impossible when there is no such thing. Trying to be everything to everyone is impossible, especially when you try to please everyone. You can go crazy trying to put a smile on the faces of everybody when nobody cares about your own. I ask myself why do I hold onto people who aren't worth holding on to? Honestly it stems from feeling like people gave up on me In my past, and at times in my present; and I'm quite certain in my future people will give up on me as we'll. Frankly that's life; I'm nowhere near being negative either, it's just a fact. I found myself seeking validation from people with more issues then me and even more broken then myself. It's heartwrenching longing for acceptance from individuals that you'll truly NEVER receive from, no matter how great you may be to them.

   I wanted certain people in my life even when they hurt me; I thought to myself as long as they were there, I was fine with whatever was done to me. But how is that even a way to live, or even a way to force yourself to live? How can you allow ANYONE to do and say things to you they would NEVER allow you to do to them? When you never come to grips with things and continue to make excuses about situations; and never change them, you're only lying to yourself. At some point even lying to yourself becomes second nature, because in your mind, even if deep down you know it won't change; you believe that person will do something different and treat you the way you treat them. How can you give of yourself so freely and accept undeserved pain? Because of Love? Love is an action, an emotion, a word and phrase; a thought we believe we all know, and a feeling we never want to live without. I can't tell you how many times I've lied to myself knowing I never loved myself the way I should have. Self love is the first love we neglect; we seek love of others instead because we believe without the love of another we are nothing. But how can there be a "We" if YOU don't love yourself wholeheartedly?

    When did we get to the point to accept things we know aren't good for us? When did I get to the point of trying to be everything to everyone; trying to save everybody, when I can't even save myself. Why do I hold on? Why should I hold on? The void I try to fill with the longing love and administration from those I care about was unfortunate at times really. I wanted to feel like I was important, that I was needed and desired. It may sound crazy to you but at least I'm honest about that. At least I realize where my actions and thoughts, demeanor and feelings, and persona I gave off stemed from. Who are you to judge? Why should I care what your views of me are? Honestly we seek way too much validation from people who mean us harm. People that should mean nothing to us, but people whom we hold in such high regards and we need not do so. It's embedded in our minds by other people that we NEED to be liked by everybody. That it's important to always be the one that people long for. And even now as I write this and I'm reading it at the same time it makes no damn sense whatsoever. How can you be willing to do whatever it takes for people to accept you, that you lose sight of your own identity? People are so willing to transform every ounce of who they are to themselves to appease others that they are willing to pretend to be someone else to be liked. How can you live that type of life and not find yourself broken? I'm confused about this now but many years earlier I was that person who cared too much about the thoughts of others. It was almost like I was wearing blindfolds everyday of my life; because I was willing to mask my identity that fit who I was, for an identity everyone else thought that I should have. At this point in my life I'm by myself MOST of the time, which was something I've become accustomed to as I've become a man. As a child; up until about nineteen or twenty, I felt like I needed a bunch of people around me. Again feeling like that equated to being important or feeling validated. A plethora of situations definitely showed me that meant nothing. My mother would always say that if I could count on one hand how many people I could expect to be there for me in my life, I was truly blessed. Some situations have strength in numbers, but when it comes to friendships and relationships of all kinds; all that truly matters is who will be there, not how many. That was a truth I had to come to grips with, and I was willing to accept it.

    Seems like life goes by so quickly; It feels like yesterday I just turned twenty-five on June 24th, and I ask myself what did I really accomplish? I thought about that even more when an old classmate and I were conversing. He said to me he felt like he needed to go back to school because he didn't really do all he thought he would have accomplished by now. I started to second guess aspects of my life and asked myself a similar question. Everyone has a different walk in life, we don't have to all do the same things to be successful. I feel like God has prepared me to be one of the top CEO's in the world! To be successful and wealthy but never getting beside myself. True success comes from giving back, not just taking. It was always important to me to place myself around people who are ambitious. The type of people that don't just settle for what everyone else believes success is. That person that will do whatever it takes to excel even when everyone else tries to convince them it can't be done. I use to weigh how successful I wasn't to how success I believed everyone else was (at the time) until I realized my walk in life wasn't everyone else's walk in life and vice versa. The problem with MOST people is we worry way too much about how better off everyone else is then we are, when we should use that same keen sense of vision we have on someone else's success; and apply 1000 times as much on our own. Do you really think the billionaires of this world felt like giving up? Of course they did! But what would have happened if they did? GOD only knows, but they didn't; and they kept going even when everyone else said it wasn't going to happen. 

      Even as I sit here in my room, on my bed in deep thought about my life and all that I have accomplished; I realize that I am still evolving as an individual. I've always taken pride in the fact that I have immense wisdom, intelligence and leadership qualities. I even realize I have the type of personality that is aggressive and I apply myself to the best of my ability to get things done. I even realize that I have immense influence on other people, even if they are what others consider important or those who's authority is higher then my own. Jesus was a man who was a fisherman, he wasn't a King or a senator or a man of "high importance" in the eyes of society at that time; but he was able to do things that seemed impossible by others. I genuinely want whoever is reading this to take a look in the mirror and remind yourself of how great you truly are. That despite how unimportant you may feel or others try to make you feel; you are the most important person in the world, because it's only one of you! That you're unique and different, and those flaws you attack yourself with daily; will be those very same flaws that help other people realize that you're even greater then they wanted to give you credit for. Remember that love of self is the most important love you can have; because when you fall in love with yourself, it will be easier to give love to others. Though it took me quite a few years to finally realize that, I pray my friend that it takes you much sooner to realize importance of SELF LOVE!    

My Good Bye isn't Forever

I feel alive; awake beyond measure. My thoughts different, my vision much keener, and all that I use to care for doesn't even matter anymore. I want to be successful; but it's not all about the money and fame anymore, it's more so about being financially stable enough to have my family, future wife and our daughter never wanting for anything ever again. It's about being well connected to individuals who have no limits to the success they want to acquire. It's about moving higher; elevating until there is no more room to move. It's about believing and achieving the things people said couldn't be done. It's all about blessing those that have cursed me. Remembering to have honor, respect, dignity and pride for oneself. It's about leaving a legacy that will last for an eternity. Today embarks the year anniversary of my Grandmothers passing; a woman too powerful to explain, even if I had an eternity to expound upon her greatness. The woman who helped mold and shape me into the fearless individual I am. The woman who gave until she had no more to give. Though I want to be selfish and have her here by my side; laughing with her, making jokes and enjoying her presence. GOD needed her back by his side to watch over me. Though my heart is as heavy as a ton of steel, I will celebrate her life. She is no longer here on this cold and unforgiving Hell we call the world. She is no longer suffering from Cancer; losing pints of blood, nearly forgetting who we all were. She lived a long life, and though her flesh is dead, her Spirit will live on forever. So Grammy; I am sad that you're gone, which made a year today, but I thank you. You left an impeccable legacy that I will continue on through my children. Every time the moon rises and the sun sets, I will look upon the Heavens and smile, because I know you will ALWAYS and FOREVER watch over me. This isn't a Good Bye, but a see you later.....

Make-up? (Her Pain Concealed)

Lipstick, eye liner, blush and lip gloss; just a few weapons in a woman's arsenal when she wants to knock every man dead when you see her. She applies just enough make up to catch your attention; and did I mention when see her she's like a blessing sent from heaven. And when you look into her eyes what you don't  realize is that concealer she's wearing is concealing much more then what the naked eye can see. You can care less about who she's destined to be because all you see is a beautiful woman with make-up on. Her pretty face and small waist brings every man to their knees; with her little black dress and high heel pumps, yea she's definitely dressed to kill. Yet and still all you can see is a beautiful woman with impeccable make-up on. The sad part is as men we don't realize the pain a woman has every time she's applying on her make-up. The long hours she takes just to put a smile on our face and we can't even appreciate her. If a woman's make-up could talk; you wouldn't be able to imagine the stories it would begin to tell you. A woman's make-up is like a camouflage from her inner truths. The parts only the most luckiest have the opportunity to see. That make-up has concealed domestic violence marks, psychological pain, and self hatred; but we're too blind to see that a woman's make-up is almost like her armor. The protection from any thoughts of our portrayal of her. Sometimes I think to myself the kind of pain a woman goes through just for our temporary gain; of unimportant happiness to the armor we call Make-up...

All Of You

I love you; the way that you smile back at me, the way you stare at me. The love you gave, the love you give and show; the fact that my feelings continue to grow. I was scared to believe that a love like this forever we are building existed, but as I look through your eyes I realize I am blessed. And all that I have stressed has come and gone and now its time to embrace the fact that you are my blessing. My end and my beginning, even when I feel like I've lost I'm winning because I have you...Living life seems much easier because I have you, true love is hard to find but you're here. And every year that passes by and I find myself staring in those eyes again I'll remember that moment I let all my fears go and made you mine. I appreciate your perfect imperfections and with all the life lessons I have gone through; the pain and strain was worth it because I did gain you. If I had to deal with all that I have I would do it all over again just so I could appreciate and have All of You...I Love You.

In Due season

   The Darkest hour in someone's life is when they realize the greatness they hold. It's when they realize that all they have internally will come forth. They will realize that all they believe will be achieved. I've always said that things may not happen when you want them to but they will always happen whenever you need them to. Those words so simple hold so much power and I believe them. I believe them because part of me realizes that all great things don't come overnight, or when we want them to at that moment. If things were that simple to get; how would we truly appreciate something, if we didn't understand the struggle to truly possess it? All great things don't come to an end; all that happens is something new takes the place of it.

   I won't portray myself as a person who knows it all because I don't. I won't say that I have the answers to become successful because I'm trying to figure out the answers myself. What I will say is I'm a man who has gone through a few hardships in my life to shed some light on knowing that better days are coming. Sitting around and waiting for things to change and get better won't do anything. All that will happen is time will go by and you'll find yourself years later; much older asking yourself why didn't you do more, and the only one to blame is one you see in the mirror...Yourself!

   Remembering moments when I was nearly homeless twice; going uptown to the welfare place with my family almost begging to keep our place. Fighting to stay in an apartment my grandmother had in her name for years before she passed away. Remembering how embarrassed I felt being there with my sisters and mother. Feeling like a criminal, giving my social security number; having people say we couldn't even get food stamps because my mother made too much. Then my Aunts stepped in and gave money to make sure we stayed in our home. Our Angels in disguise.

    I remember when I worked my ass off for a a company for only $7.50/hr. Me not being complacent with complacency worked my way up to an assistant manager in less then 3 months. By the time I had been there not even a year I had already been ready to run my own store. But God obviously had other plans for my life so I went from that company to another. Only being there for a month and a half I was respected by everyone I worked with and was treated like I was a manager, though I was just a sales associate. Now no longer working even for that company I truly wonder where my destiny lies?

   I realize that I am obviously meant to create my own companies, orchestrate my own ways of making a living and helping other individuals reach their fullest potential. I read somewhere that if you are truly a leader you do not make followers but create other leaders. I believe those words because I myself have taken the responsibility of realizing I am a leader. Not because I wanted to always be one, because I remember when I didn't; I've come to accept it, even embracing it because I realize that my purpose is to show others the greatness they hold within. Truly understanding other people and accepting who they are is understanding and accepting the person you are first.

    How can I proclaim to be a leader and take on the roles of leadership if I am afraid to lead? Moreover; being a leader is also understanding you don't know everything, and allowing others to lead the way when it is necessary to. You cannot be intimidated by someone else's potential or be angry if those you lead do better then you do; just take that as a sign of who you are, and the kind of people you mold into being great.

   When I find myself writing I don't ever do it for the people already established or those who appear to have it all. I do it for the have nots, the underdogs. I do it for the mother who is a single parent who gives her daughter everything she never had, and wants to be the example of a woman to her daughter she never had growing up. I do it for the man who works three jobs to make sure that his children want for nothing and his wife has the world; and though he is not rich he finds happiness in his family. I do it for those homeless people we already walk pass; judging them, telling each other "they don't have to be homeless", and not even know their story. It's easy to judge the path you never walked down when you yourself have never been down that route.

  I said all that to say that a change is going to come; a shift in fortune will cause you to see that all the trials and tribulations you have suffered, will have not been in vain. You have to believe what you can't see and realize that even when all seems lost everything will work in your favor. I would be a liar if I didn't say that as I'm writing this; I wasn't compelled to give up sometimes myself when things don't seem to go the way I planned for, even when I give my very best. But a part of me realizes that all that pain and hurt is only temporary. That happiness and gain will replace all that has been seemingly lost.

   If I haven't said this already; or you are still unsure what I want you to realize, remember that you have to do what works for you. What's going to make you happy is important. I may not have all the answers to life, I may also not be able to point out the best methods to have you get through whatever hardships or circumstances you're facing either. What I can tell you though is the best lessons are learned through hardships; because they not only show you who you are, but make you realize that there still others going through much worse.

   Trust and believe in your own potential even when it appears that all hope is lost. Remember we all have a purpose in life and we are set here to not only figure it out, but share it with the world. Life will present to you your true purpose in due time, just believe in your potential unseen and remember your greatness from within in.

The Damage is done

You ever had so much time and energy invested into someone that you nearly lost sight of your own needs?

You would give your last breath for them to breathe if they needed it.

Minutes feel like seconds when you're together, and hours feel like days when you're apart.

You would nearly do anything to keep them around because they mean that much to you.

And they take and take and nearly drain the very essence of your soul.

You look past everything because of your feelings, giving them a clean slate because you feel like you can get past anything.

When it comes to you they keep score, bringing up all that you have done; reminding you of all your past transgressions.

Now why would you even love this person so deeply if there seems to be no balance?

Everything is one sided and this person clearly has more baggage then you do, but you don't care because you love them?

But this love seems one sided, where you benefit only when the person cares to do something.

How is it that we can love another so deep that it is nearly in the fiber of our very being; but forget to love ourselves?

Maybe I was a hopeless romantic, maybe I was a fool, but God knows I was good to you.

Defame my character and blurted out falsehoods about me that weren't even who I am.

Sitting and comparing me to another, when clearly I am a far better man then he could ever be.

I hope you are happy with what you've done, I remember when we use to have fun; but the anger I feel for how you made me feel may never allow me to view you the same, because the damage is done.

The Stranger that Lies In The Mirror

     It's interesting how a person can make you look at life in a whole new perspective. Like everything you ever thought of wasn't right in the first place. The fact that someone has so much power with your thoughts and emotions already says exactly how "Fond" of that person you are. How every waking moment you want to be around that person. Each thought that crosses your mind has them there; and you know what? You're more then fine with that. More and more you two spend time with each other; pouring out all those secrets, that only you and God know about. Not even caring that you're falling because you have a blanket of support, which is that bond you two share. This unique bond that in your mind will last forever. Not even caring how others view you or what others want from you because you've gotten accustomed to this person. You know each and every one of their needs, wants, and desires, and you're more then willing to fulfil them. Doing all these different things for this person that's way out of your element. And why? Because they bring things out of you that you didn't even knew dwell within you.

  Hours on the phone until the sun comes up; you two just enjoying one anothers presence. Things become intimate and now deeper feelings begin to grow. This scares you because you have NEVER felt these feelings before. Then again you have never allowed yourself to until now because they made you comfortable enough to be "the real you". The you that less then a selected few have had the opportunity to see. The you that you refused to show others because you feel they are none deserving of that. How is it that this person was able to get through to the thing you hold closest to you...your heart! Then you realize you have not one specific answer to give yourself because this you that you see you don't know. Basically it's like you are looking in the mirror at a stranger.

   You are confused now because you're doing everything you said you wouldn't do. You're saying all the things you thought sounded foolish coming from other people's mouth. Deeper and deeper your feelings grow, nearly becoming like a bottomless pit. Then something happens; something unexpected...Now those thoughts of forever turn to "I can't wait until you leave". This person sickens you now and they make you angry. The very thought of them churns your stomach, but you still care for them. The walls you broke to let them in have now been replaced with a barbed-wire fence. You use to talk everyday and now you are comfortable enough hearing from them once in awhile. Now when you speak you throw up what you've done and how much you've given. That same effort you use to give is no more because you already have them.

   Those very same qualities you use to appreciate about them now annoy you. You feel smothered and argue about how you need your space and time for yourself. It gets to a point where all you two do is argue; and now you both need space. During the space you give yourself time to re-evaluate if this is what you ever really wanted in the first place. You  begin to second guess whether or not all those feelings you felt originally were even genuine; if maybe you were just caught up in a nostalgic moment. Was it that dopamine had you hooked to that person? Was it even real? These are the questions you begin to ask yourself. You both come to the conclusion it's best you part your separate ways; and just like that it's over...

   Do mirrors lie or do we lie to ourselves to appease the fact that we don't want to come to grips with the truth? Sometimes the lie feels better then the truth because at that moment you aren't hurting. You have already made yourself believe this lie you are telling because it's much easier to cope with. I said all that to say that we don't want to believe that at some time in life that person we believe we can't live without may be the person later on we can't stand to be around. I am not saying that this will always happen, but realize that sometimes your "forever" with that one you hold in such high esteem may be short lived. I feel like it is OUR job as two people in a committed relationship; (non-traditional or traditional) to continue to build. Everything is NOT suppose to lessen once you find yourselves in something committed. That honeymoon stage should always stay in full affect, and it should be that same care and emotions you had when you two first met.

    Realistically in some aspects things may not be the same, but it's the job of BOTH people to make it work. Just like Rome wasn't built in a day; an unbreakable relationship takes time. Be understanding that NO ONE is perfect and we all have room to grow and change. Be sure that you two are on the same page and want the same things. Two people can never truly stay together if there isn't a mutal understanding from both individuals. Love, like and be with whomever you want to; do whatever is going to make you truly happy. Sometimes we forget that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but in fact two people perfect for one another within that foundation you call a relationship.Remember this; at times a relationship can be like a storm, sometimes there may be gray skys and heavy rain, but all storms pass to allow the sun to shine again. Always remember that it takes TWO to make something work...

Why I Love You

It's interesting how the night sky is the only thing that sets us seemingly worlds apart. The Love I have for you is like a permanent fragrance smeared across the very essence of my soul. Kind of like a tattoo meticulously placed on the body of an individual who was branded to appease those he calls friends. But you and I are more familiar then that; see I know you like a husband knows the birth mark of his wife, that can't be seen by the naked eye unless she is naked. And that's how I feel each time I allow myself to be vulnerable with you...naked. Almost like the first time you lose your virginity to the one you love more then life itself but they; they just love you for that moment. Two became one, well at least on my end it was. But you, you weren't looking for love at all. You were looking for a convenience and I was convenient for the moment. I loved; or at least I thought I did, but I do. And I'm that undecided because you. I wish you weren't so difficult; that you were as consistent as the next day. At least then I would know what to expect. I don't believe my love would ever die like the eternal flame of passion I set aside specifically for you in my heart. If home is where the heart is then I'm comfortable knowing I live with this love forever. And even then forever isn't enough to express why I love you...

A Permanent resident in my Heart

Words can't explain how I feel
In due time I hope these wounds heal
I still can't believe that you're gone
I don't want to believe that you're gone.
I wish this was just a nightmare
That my heart wasn't filled with dispair
That I'd wake up and this be a dream
And that this wasn't what it seemed
You're not here, but I honor your life
No longer suffering with misery or strife
The strongest woman I know
But God deemed it time for you to go
Grandma you taught me a lot,
and I'm sure God saved you a spot...
In heaven; where you deserve to thrive
You blessed this world when you were alive
I'll miss the way we laugh and joke
And those wise words of wisdom you spoke
It's not easy for me to say Good Bye
And honestly I don't want to try
So instead I'll say; I'll see you later, because I have much to give
But in my heart and mind you will ALWAYS Live.

I Love you Grammy, you will truly be missed...Rest in Paradise

Extinguished flame

We were caught in a whirl wind of passion, I thought you had my best interest; until you showed less interest. Hours of phone conversations and text messages became nothing, as though we were two strangers walking past one another on the street. When you said you loved me I believed you, there wasn't anyone that could tell me otherwise. And a part of me still believes that you still love me; but your pride won't let you show it. The hurt you gave me ran deep temporarily, because I realized I could do better. I say that not out of spite, but because emotionally we were on two different mind frames. You owe me nothing; but I owe you everything, because you showed me what a woman shouldn't do; which is leaving a man giving his all while knowing you'll leave him stranded. Two could never become one because we were never equally yoked. But you aren't to blame, because things would have never stayed the same, I just wish you the very best my extinguished flame...

Be alone together

      It's times like this I think of you, looking outside into the distance wondering what you're doing. Saying to myself how was I so blessed to have you apart of my life? How two can become one as though two colors were mixed on a canvas. Let me be the brush and you be the palate, expressing all thoughts and emotions deep as though I'm speaking to you with my lips. Telling you everything you mean to me, and never being ashamed to express those feelings I feel for you. You see I'm use to being alone, dealing with my issues like a lone wolf. Never really showing the side of my vulnerability because I can't. Not because I can't but because I don't want to.

      I'll be as clear as a mirror showing you everything I never wanted you to see because the mirror never lies. And it's not that I want to lie to you, it's just that I'm afraid; and not the fear of negative thoughts but fearful that I'll fall. Fall deeply for you and expose the thoughts my heart wants to say but my lips tell you instead. If this was a dream I don't ever want to wake up from it; and if granted one last wish, it would be to see your smile. Your smile is as bright as the stars that shine in the night sky to let us know they're alive. You make life worth living because my life seems brighter with you apart of it. And you may not be perfect but you're perfect for me. You see I'm not trying to tell you anything but the truth, my truth.

     You're the kind of woman I want to put a ring on, the one I want a future with. The person I want to always wake up next to and kiss without any cares of your morning breath. You're the one I want to grow old with, and have children with and watch you walk with a pregnant belly. Kissing your stomach; and knowing that the child will come into the world with both parents who genuinely love one another. I would never hurt you and the only tears I would give you is that of joy because that's what I'm filled with each time I speak to you. If God ever made the perfect woman you are the blue print he chose to make perfection. I Look deep into my eyes and realize that you're all I want and need in a woman.

     You hold a special place in my heart because I never felt like this before. And I could care less what others think or feel because what we have is real. Our love is as real as the reality that we live in. Believe me when I say I love you, I mean that from the depths of my soul. But my goal is not to just tell you how much you mean to me, but allow you to see that my love is as infinite as God's love for us all. And if I had to be alone ever again; I would much rather be alone...together...with you.

Through my pain

Through my pain I've learned a lot about myself, my self worth and what I mean to those around me. Through my pain I've learned love and what love is and isn't. How I've grown to be the man I am today and the one I am going to be. Through my pain I've learned the difference between lust and love and how the ultimate love is the one from above. Through my pain I've learned my purpose, and how my life is a story to someone else. Pain hurts but time does heal all wounds, and like all things in life we realize who we really are because of it. I guess in some ways through my pain I wouldn't know where I was going if I didn't remember where I came from...