We often seek love from everywhere and everyone because we seek some level of validation. We believe that having so many people around us and having every lavish thing you can think of makes us who we are. But if you think about it, how can you seek to have material things and inconsistent people validate what type of importantance you have? I have had a tough few years in my own life. Losing twins that I genuinely wanted, losing a relationship that I truly was invested in, losing myself because I wanted to be everything to everyone and still not being who I was. And GOD took all of that and so much more that I haven't even written here. And it was at that very moment of finally losing a long term committed relationship that I genuinely wanted to be apart of, that I realized that it was not meant to be. Frankly I have nothing but great things to say about the woman I was with because she was and still is a great, ambitious, loving, caring and outstanding woman. She was everything I could have ever hoped for. She was the woman that showed me that even when I'm down she's there to pick me up. I guess with me writing so many remarkable things about her you wonder why we didn't last. Well it's because how can two walk unless they agree? How can two people be together even if they love one another if they have lost sight of who they are? How can you love a person with every fiber of your being and not love yourself?
For me I've always felt the need to seek validation from the ones that I hold so near and dear to my own heart. I've always felt the need to prove my love and allegiance to people that mean something to me. What I've come to realize however is that you can not be everything to everyone else and nothing to yourself. How can I tell you that you're beautiful and that you're the best thing that GOD ever created if I can't and don't believe that about myself? It contradicts so many different things when you have that warped way of thinking. I've always been a very laid back and quite person upon meeting people. I usually stay to myself and give myself the opportunity to get to know people before I actually open my mouth and converse with them. Honestly people are so judgemental of you that it can be hard to be yourself. What I'm here to express is that even if someone doesn't like who you are; they are forced to respect it because you are being who you are, caring less about what they think. Now I am not saying that you should be mean or disrespectful and have the mindset "this is who I am and you're just going to have to deal with it" way of thinking. What I am saying is if you're who you are without thought of really caring about the opinions of others, then people are just going to accept it. We often try so hard to have people shape and mold us into what they believe we should be when they themselves aren't even comfortable in their own skin.
Now I loved and still do love the woman I was in a relationship with for almost two years, and have known for almost three years. I don't hate her and I genuinely want her to be happy even if it's not with me. My own pride would say that I don't want her to be with anyone else but with me, but then I would be selfish. If it's meant to be it will be, you don't have to force anything. I could have done a lot differently but if I'm going to be honest I would have not been able to; because it wasn't until things truly went down hill and I was meant to find who I was, that I came to the realization of things. It's only through chaos and anarchy that you realize what peace truly is. You can never truly appreciate the finer things in life; if you have never known what it took to actually go after it, when you had nothing at all. To be honest with you I feel lost; like I'm alone and that there in a hole in my heart where she laid so peacefully, like a baby lay sweetly on the bosom of his mother. But sometimes the most beautiful love has to end for you to realize that maybe it wasn't the best love. Maybe it wasn't the only love. Maybe it wasn't the right time to have that love. Whatever the reason may have been that the love I wanted more then I wanted to breathe didn't work may forever be a mystery. Sometimes life is just that complex that the answers won't ever really have one real direct answer.
Won't you stay with me until we grow old and watch our children have children? When we sit on the porch and drink a cold glass of lemonade remembering how we use to dream of that house that we always wanted and received. How I told you that we would grow old together and I would die by your side because you are my soul mate. But I'm hurt to the depths of my soul because you're no longer here to endure forever with. Sometimes those I love you's fade away like the storms of yesterday's past into a new day brighter then the last. Now two have become one but that doesn't mean it's the end, but at least for now it is. Life can be a hurtful truth and we will not always like the answers that it hands to us. As life grows and evolves as should we. I honestly haven't grown this much as I have in a long time. Yes I've grown physically and I've been a man for quite some time now, but my mental capacity as a human being has not been this high in such a long time. If I sat down and really told you all the heartache and pain I've endured; the trials and tribulations I've overcome, you would think I was not a human being. I've been predestined for great things since before I was even conceived in the womb. I believe in me even if no one else does, and I live for and love myself even if only GOD loves me.
I've expressed this thought to my mother and sisters ever since this year has started, that this is the year of accomplishments. This is the year of believing in your dreams and aspirations even if other people don't. This is the year to move mountains and take that leap of faith even if it seems like nothing is going right. This is the year to do all that you hope, believe in and desire to do, because the time Inwhich you will have to do it again may NEVER happen again. The things Inwhich I will do will cause me to become a billionaire. I will be a man that has influence and my businesses will change the world and how it's viewed forever. I've always believed in leaving a legacy and building something that the generations after can continue to have and flourish with. However; if I'm going to be frank with you, I would have not come back to this way of thinking if I hadn't lost all that I have. I've realized with all that was lost, it is my duty to give back. To continue that "each one teach one" way of thinking that the African proverbs have taught me. I have genuinely forgiven myself for all that I've done and have moved forward. I have left all that once was and have started focusing on what is going to be. I can not and will not make anyone love me or be with me even if they chose not to be. Yes I may cry and be broken hearted, but that is temporary. The memories never fade away it's just that the people do sometimes.
I've given all I've had to give and loved as much as I could have possibly loved. September 20th, 2013 (IX XX MMXIII) will forever live in my heart. I won't ever forget that day because that's when I realized what love was. Though it hurts that we couldn't work out I wish you the very best. I've got to live my life and change this world and give all that's inside of me that I wanted to give to you. With all that I have lost; what I have gained has meant more then anything else, and that is my peace of mind...
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