Reality

Sleepless nights with nobody but my thoughts and inner self to listen to me. 

Feeling lonely, like I want to be loved but I haven't loved myself in a long time.

Now I love me and I wonder if now I have time to love anyone else but me?

My heart is filled with all the love I can give but it always seems like I never give enough though.

I'm out here hoping and wishing I can be the man I never had around me.

And I feel bad for my dad; he just had a heart attack Friday, and I was sad but we reap what we sow.

I don't wish any anything but the best for the man who was never there for me.

He came back into my life when he thought I was having twins; and when they died because a doctor carelessly made the wrong decision, he was gone like the heartbeats of my unborn kids.

Seems like my life for a long time was a roller coaster of endless negativity.

And the people I thought was riding by my side was'nt fucking with me.

I find myself looking at other peoples babies, feeling sad because I just want my own little one.

Someone to look after and love the way I wanted to be loved. 

And for awhile I loved someone else's child like she was my own daughter; love and nurture her like I was there the day she was born, tried to be the daddy to her I never had.

But all I heard was I wasn't giving her the things she needed; that all I did was strike fear in her, I was even told I was just like my father.

How can I be like the man who was never there when I was always there? 

Hell I was in that girls life more then the biological father she never even knew, that made it apparent he didn't want to have anything to do with her.

Yea I came in her life when she was five going on six and now she's seven, but that's more birthdays then her "Real" father was apart of.

Having people tell me I'm not her real dad; but I'm the one showing her how to tie her own shoes, teaching her how to read, going to every parent teacher conference meeting and paid for her sixth birthday when no one else had money to do it. 

I even got her into a school that was the top school in East Harlem, but I'm not a good father?

Paid for bills in a home where people made me feel like I didn't belong, moved there just to be around the woman I would have given my heart out of my own chest if she needed to survive. 

But she left me because I just wasn't the same?

How could I be the same when shit in my life wasn't the same, and all I wanted you to do was be there for me. 

And I gave you EVERYTHING; even babies that I would have raised like I was raising the little one you already had, if GOD hadn't taken them before I had a chance to say I loved them. 

And it angers me because you made it seem like I was the worse man in the world, you probably even talked bad about me to other people. 

And thoughts of what you could be doing have raced through my mind 

How the way you feel about me could change in two months when we were together for nearly two years and I knew you for three.

It's interesting how people can be here today and gone in an hour. 

What happened to us having unconditional love for one another forever?

I forgave myself when no one else did because deep down I never forgave myself. 

I blamed myself for a lot, but you can't go around in life feeling sorry for yourself.

But God never gives us more then we can handle, and Lord knows that I've handled a lot. 

I'm just out here believing and grinding for that top spot. 

Trying my best to be a man that I was never taught to be by my father.

Trying to make sure that my mother doesn't have to work another day in her life again.

Attempting to leave a legacy that will evolve history forever and do everything people said couldn't be done.

The best lesson I could have learned was "sometimes you have to encourage yourself".

Be your own support system even if no one else supports what you do. 

Stop trying to be everything to everyone and forget to do nothing for yourself. 

Remember Dreams only move forward when you give them feet to roam; without breathing life into that thought, your reality will cease to exist and be but a dream!

Be the light in your own life you try to shed on everyone else's life; because when your own light gets dim, the only person that can reignite that internal flame of yours, is you....