And the prize is Loyalty

   It's interesting how so much can change within a year. Old friends become aquantances; people who you never thought you would associate with become life long friends, and your circle becomes as small as a Cheerio. My mother use to tell me all the time if I had at least a full hand of people I could count on, I was a truly blessed individual. Each time my mother use to tell me that I would find myself annoyed by that statement. And I didn't realize how important those words would be in my life until I got much older. The people I grew so fond of would be the people who left me at my darkest hour. Those were the people that turned their backs on me when I needed them the most. I find that we tend to push those who mean us well to the side; because in our minds, we know they'll always be there. We realize that no matter how bad we may treat them they will stay by our side; and with that way of thinking, we will find ourselves alone. If you don't believe me then try it and see what will happen.

 

    I've always taken pride in the fact that I'm a loyal person; that in someone's darkest hours in their lives I would be there for them, to constantly be there whenever they needed me to be. How I learned so quickly that people don't necessarily do for you what you may do for them. What may be 110% that you invest in someone that person may just literally give you 10% and expect you to just be fine with that. Now if we're talking numbers and figures amount, that would totally be dissatisfying. But if I'm going to be honest that's exactly what I've probably accepted from people before. I feel like when you're a person who's got a lot of loyalty within yourself you tend to just give of yourself without a thought of thinking about what your own best interests are. You shut down all feelings and emotions that have anything to do with you and tend to take on the problems and issues of those you care about. When in reality for a lot of people; those you invest so much time and energy into, 9/10 times will do whatever is best for themselves without even thinking about you. And for some (including myself) that has been a disheartening truth to come to grips with whether you want to or not.

    The sad truth is people probably won't give a damn about you the way you probably will when it's them, especially if you're an extremely loyal person. Realistically in a lot of scenarios you may be the one who gives more then someone else does. But that doesn't make you stupid or dumb for being who you are. I've always believed that life has a funny way of just changing the rules we play in life. What I mean by that is for awhile you may be the one on the receiving end of continuous disappointments from people who don't value you or what you bring to the table. They may even take advantage of your good nature and use you every chance that they get. You've just got to remember that life has a way of shifting the favor. Those that find it ok to use and manipulate you will definitely get back that karma they've put into the atmosphere. 

      There is not a soul on this earth that has a conscience and understands the difference between right and wrong, that won't get back what they have given out. I tend to always make my mother and sisters laugh when I say "the ass you kick today may be the ass you have to kiss tomorrow". I feel like nobody really thinks about that when they are treating a person the way they wouldn't want to be treated. I feel like people have that "it won't be me" mentality. LORD knows I've gotten my share of necessary karma back from all the things I've done to others. It's human nature to mess up, but the adult thing to do is to rectify what you've done. You can't be strong and wrong and stand firm in your wrongness, life doesn't work that way.

    All I will say is this, be the type of person to others that you would want others to be to you. Treat people with the respect and decency we ALL deserve to have given to us. Loyalty is a powerful  thing and you should appreciate it. When you've got someone who's loyal don't take them for granted. Just remember that when karma comes she's coming to right all the wrongs that were done, and I'm for certain you don't want to be on her list of deeds she may have to rectify. Just something for you to think about it....

IX XX MMXIII

   I love you, for who you are and who you are destined to be. I accept who you were and who you are, because who you are will change this world. Yes people will laugh at you and make you feel like your dreams are unreachable, the ones who you hold near and dear to your heart will leave you and the ones who you invest all your time and energy in will suck the very fiber of your being out of your soul. You will second guess yourself because you fear that what you hoped for will be unreachable. You will feel sick to your stomach with fear and at times you will hold yourself back because of that doubt. But deep down you know that EVERYTHING will be in your favor. How can you be who you're destined to be if you don't walk in that faith of knowing that you're predestined for greatness? Life will bring you down and tear you down and make you feel like nothing. However; at that very moment when you've given all that that's deep down inside, and you feel like you've given the last bit of who you are into what you believe can't be done, at that moment you'll see that ALL adversities faced, you will overcome them. Love you, appreciate and accept YOU;  because besides GOD loving you, self love is the most important love you'll ever have. 

      We often seek love from everywhere and everyone because we seek some level of validation. We believe that having so many people around us and having every lavish thing you can think of makes us who we are. But if you think about it, how can you seek to have material things and inconsistent people validate what type of importantance you have? I have had a tough few years in my own life. Losing twins that I genuinely wanted, losing a relationship that I truly was invested in, losing myself because I wanted to be everything to everyone and still not being who I was. And GOD took all of that and so much more that I haven't even written here. And it was at that very moment of finally losing a long term committed relationship that I genuinely wanted to be apart of, that I realized that it was not meant to be. Frankly I have nothing but great things to say about the woman I was with because she was and still is a great, ambitious, loving, caring and outstanding woman. She was everything I could have ever hoped for. She was the woman that showed me that even when I'm down she's there to pick me up. I guess with me writing so many remarkable things about her you wonder why we didn't last. Well it's because how can two walk unless they agree? How can two people be together even if they love one another if they have lost sight of who they are? How can you love a person with every fiber of your being and not love yourself?

      For me I've always felt the need to seek validation from the ones that I hold so near and dear to my own heart. I've always felt the need to prove my love and allegiance to people that mean something to me. What I've come to realize however is that you can not be everything to everyone else and nothing to yourself. How can I tell you that you're beautiful and that you're the best thing that GOD ever created if I can't and don't believe that about myself? It contradicts so many different things when you have that warped way of thinking. I've always been a very laid back and quite person upon meeting people. I usually stay to myself and give myself the opportunity to get to know people before I actually open my mouth and converse with them. Honestly people are so judgemental of you that it can be hard to be yourself. What I'm here to express is that even if someone doesn't like who you are; they are forced to respect it because you are being who you are, caring less about what they think. Now I am not saying that you should be mean or disrespectful and have the mindset "this is who I am and you're just going to have to deal with it" way of thinking. What I am saying is if you're who you are without thought of really caring about the opinions of others, then people are just going to accept it. We often try so hard to have people shape and mold us into what they believe we should be when they themselves aren't even comfortable in their own skin. 

     Now I loved and still do love the woman I was in a relationship with for almost two years, and have known for almost three years. I don't hate her and I genuinely want her to be happy even if it's not with me. My own pride would say that I don't want her to be with anyone else but with me, but then I would be selfish. If it's meant to be it will be, you don't have to force anything. I could have done a lot differently but if I'm going to be honest I would have not been able to; because it wasn't until things truly went down hill and I was meant to find who I was, that I came to the realization of things. It's only through chaos and anarchy that you realize what peace truly is. You can never truly appreciate the finer things in life; if you have never known what it took to actually go after it, when you had nothing at all.  To be honest with you I feel lost; like I'm alone and that there in a hole in my heart where she laid so peacefully, like a baby lay sweetly on the bosom of his mother. But sometimes the most beautiful love has to end for you to realize that maybe it wasn't the best love. Maybe it wasn't the only love. Maybe it wasn't the right time to have that love. Whatever the reason may have been that the love I wanted more then I wanted to breathe didn't work may forever be a mystery. Sometimes life is just that complex that the answers won't ever really have one real direct answer. 

     Won't you stay with me until we grow old and watch our children have children? When we sit on the porch and drink a cold glass of lemonade remembering how we use to dream of that house that we always wanted and received. How I told you that we would grow old together and I would die by your side because you are my soul mate. But I'm hurt to the depths of my soul because you're no longer here to endure forever with. Sometimes those I love you's fade away like the storms of yesterday's past into a new day brighter then the last. Now two have become one but that doesn't mean it's the end, but at least for now it is. Life can be a hurtful truth and we will not always like the answers that it hands to us. As life grows and evolves as should we. I honestly haven't grown this much as I have in a long time. Yes I've grown physically and I've been a man for quite some time now, but my mental capacity as a human being has not been this high in such a long time. If I sat down and really told you all the heartache and pain I've endured; the trials and tribulations I've overcome, you would think I was not a human being. I've been predestined for great things since before I was even conceived in the womb. I believe in me even if no one else does, and I live for and love myself even if only GOD loves me. 

     I've expressed this thought to my mother and sisters ever since this year has started, that this is the year of accomplishments. This is the year of believing in your dreams and aspirations even if other people don't. This is the year to move mountains and take that leap of faith even if it seems like nothing is going right. This is the year to do all that you hope, believe in and desire to do, because the time Inwhich you will have to do it again may NEVER happen again. The things Inwhich I will do will cause me to become a billionaire. I will be a man that has influence and my businesses will change the world and how it's viewed forever. I've always believed in leaving a legacy and building something that the generations after can continue to have and flourish with. However; if I'm going to be frank with you, I would have not come back to this way of thinking if I hadn't lost all that I have. I've realized with all that was lost, it is my duty to give back. To continue that "each one teach one" way of thinking that the African proverbs have taught me. I have genuinely forgiven myself for all that I've done and have moved forward. I have left all that once was and have started focusing on what is going to be. I can not and will not make anyone love me or be with me even if they chose not to be. Yes I may cry and be broken hearted, but that is temporary. The memories never fade away it's just that the people do sometimes. 

      I've given all I've had to give and loved as much as I could have possibly loved. September 20th, 2013 (IX XX MMXIII) will forever live in my heart. I won't ever forget that day because that's when I realized what love was. Though it hurts that we couldn't work out I wish you the very best. I've got to live my life and change this world and give all that's inside of me that I wanted to give to you. With all that I have lost; what I have gained has meant more then anything else, and that is my peace of mind...

The "Portrayal"

I'm trying to balance being a man and the man I want to be and see the future even before it's here. I Don't believe in complacency but I'm comtiplating on the next level you see. The here and now isn't even good enough for me and I don't care who I could have been but more so who I am going to be. Would I sell my soul just to get what I deserve? Balancing life like I'm standing on a tightrope... Praying for hope hoping what I pray for comes into fruition. Banking that the fruits of my labor will be ripe enough to blossom into the prosperity I so long and hope for. I have a girlfriend I love more then my own self, I would bleed the last ounce of my own blood into her veins if that would keep her alive and that's all I had to give her. This love is like a never ending stream of the deepest rivers of the abyss. And when we make love GOD is there watching us as we lose ourselves into each other. Intertwing like a knot to a string forming into a bow. This woman has made me want to be a better man to her and my daughter. And I'm scared I'll never be a good enough father because my father never was to me. Blood doesn't make you blood just like reading the bible doesn't make you a saint. Sometimes sinning is the only way to win; I mean look at those who are rich. And what's crazy is we all long for wealth. And every rich person isn't a sinner and every poor person isn't a saint, and sometimes the wolf is the sheep and life is too deep to even understand. When you pray to a GOD you can't even see and try to understand a religion that's been made up when scientist say that the Big Bang theory created this world and I go to church and the Pastor is preaching Jesus walked on water and died for all our sins, but the sinners seem to be the winners? As confusing and jumbled up these thoughts I have are; they make sense. I'm from a city where there are millions who all have the same wants and desires but have different ways of getting it. We ALL deal with Life & Death; two never ending cycles we can't interrupt. The skin I'm in I want to be able to win in this never ending battle to the top that only a few seem to be able to get to. I believe in me even if you won't...I don't expect sympathy; and at times my pride will get in the way but the heart of a man doesn't always define who he is, because we have to adapt to our situations. Always evolving because only the strong survive? I guess even when my ancestors were forced to be in bondage and chains for the rest of their lives, I seem to be here. Expressing thoughts and visions a slave master hundreds of years earlier said couldn't be uttered becaue he couldn't fathom the fact that he is an albino black man? That his skin is only as light as it is because he had to adapt to the cold climate thousands of years earlier? And what I speak of is far from racist but rather a truth too hard to understand to that slave master; so he beats it out of you because he can't put his finger around how he can torment you everyday GOD allows the sun to shine, and you continue to keep your head held high even if your body is broken. I am the direct descendant of KINGS & QUEENS who built pyramids that people said couldn't be made; so they said aliens built them. I share a bloodline to the creators of Math and science, engineers, scholars and authors and individuals of substance. At the end of the day wherever my mind roams off to I remember that I'm not just a man trying to make it; but I am a Legacy that must carry on for the sake the future that those before me couldn't have. My History won't be HIS STORY to tell, but my life will speak for itself. And even when I'm an old man playing with my great great great grandkids, I'll remember that true wealth isn't the value of a dollar but how much value you make that dollar to be. NOTHING has value unless we give it the power to, so there's really no such thing as rich or poor but the value Inwhich we give those labels we portray as life....just think about it.

All Of You

I love you; the way that you smile back at me, the way you stare at me. The love you gave, the love you give and show; the fact that my feelings continue to grow. I was scared to believe that a love like this forever we are building existed, but as I look through your eyes I realize I am blessed. And all that I have stressed has come and gone and now its time to embrace the fact that you are my blessing. My end and my beginning, even when I feel like I've lost I'm winning because I have you...Living life seems much easier because I have you, true love is hard to find but you're here. And every year that passes by and I find myself staring in those eyes again I'll remember that moment I let all my fears go and made you mine. I appreciate your perfect imperfections and with all the life lessons I have gone through; the pain and strain was worth it because I did gain you. If I had to deal with all that I have I would do it all over again just so I could appreciate and have All of You...I Love You.