Live Your Truth

       I'm always dolo (by myself for those unsure of the meaning). I don't need a bunch of people to feel empowered to the highest degrees. I don't need the acceptance of people who are too afraid to live out their dreams and make them a reality. So they attempt to make me feel less than because they are less than worthy to accomplish anything. It's really up to you to make shit happen and I say this with the utmost respect because I believe it. Believing is the first step to accepting what is and what will be. It's taking responsibility when no one else will. It's doing all that you can even when it feels too hard to do. It's looking those adversities right in the eyes and doing all that can be done to overcome it. Who are you not to excel? A question easier to think about trying to figure out then Accomplishing? I ask questions that at times seem too hard to figure out. And to be honest with you I battle with myself every day because I'm playing "tug of war" with myself; trying to figure out my way in the world.

       This world is way too unforgiving to those genuinely trying to make it without fucking people over to get to the top. Being manipulative and sneaky to get what they feel to be the "unattainable". I have always been extremely mindful of the people I associate myself with because I realize that the people you befriend paints a picture of who you are. Then again I have not always been the way I am now. I thought that I needed to have a bunch of people around me to have some level of importance. Not realizing at the time that it's all about the quality of people, not the quantity. In your times of need is exactly where you realize where you stand with people, not the times where everything is going fine.

       When I was nearly homeless and found myself wondering where I was going to get the money to have more to eat, that's where I realized where I stood with people. People can tell you all they want to how much they will be there, it's the actions that back up those words that matter the most. I have had times in my life where I only ate one time because I had just enough money to at least feed my family and myself once a day, then go out and pretend to the world that I was fine when I really wasn't. Then people don't make things any easier by being judgemental or inconsistent.

       With a lot of experiences in my life that I have faced, you would think that I would be broken mentally or even psychologically. However, I found that I thrived and rose above it all; Because I realized that I had a larger purpose, and it was bigger than me. You can't go into the world feeling sorry or victimizing yourself. No one is going to feel sorry for you or even make you feel better all the time. You have got to learn to believe in yourself and give of yourself to yourself because at times all you will have is yourself. I am not being cynical or negative, I am being honest and realistic. We lean too much on the support of others that we think people owe us. In reality, if someone is there for you and shows constant consistency, consider yourself blessed. Be thankful and grateful, not because they are there, but because they are being constant in their actions while being there for you!

       Never let your adversities or adversaries get in the way of what you need to do for yourself.  You have got to learn to believe in yourself even when others doubt you. Even if your family doesn't understand why you do it, or your friends don't believe in you. Keep on going, because there is not only light at the end of that dark tunnel, but you will see it through! I feel like a lot that I am now being blessed with was a long time coming. I needed to experience rock bottom to appreciate slowing rising to the top. I genuinely feel that you can never truly appreciate what it takes to get anything if you have never lost something. The reason I say that is because when you are finally getting things you deserve, you appreciate them because you realize everything it took to get it. I have lost so much in my life, but yet I still stand tall! I believe that my life purpose is to inspire people and lead others to be their very best. To own many fortune 500 Companies, and be one of the wealthiest Black Men in the world while giving back to my community. I may have been born in the projects and have seen a lot of wicked things this world had to offer, but giving up was never an option. I am a living breathing vessel and a living testimony that when you have a gift you have to present it and give it to the world. Live your truth daily, even if others lie to themselves about their own!

Love Is ™

Love is Passion, Love is Pain.
Love is Struggles, Love is Strain.
But Love doesn't cut you to the Vein.
Love isn't divided, Love is United.
Love is indifferent, it's NEVER one Sided.
Love is beautiful no matter the Race.
Love can travel through time and Space.
Love doesn't care about your sex or your Preferences.
Love doesn't need a reason like a job needs References.
Love is more than a concept, it is beyond an Idea.
Love is the first kiss kind of moment, but you get the Idea.
Love has the power to make you Believe.
Love has the capacity to push you to Achieve.
Love is Fearless, Love is Bold.
Love is the never ending story, expressed & Untold.
Love is as deep as the sea in the Abyss.
Love feels like giving your true love that very first Kiss.
Love is mental, it's not just Physical.
Love shouldn't hurt or ever get Physical.
Love is what keeps us; believe me, it's true.
But in order to achieve this feat, it starts with YOU!

My uninhabited Utopia

   I haven't be myself in a long time; I feel like I'm immune to pain, I have felt alone my entire life. I don't remember anything about being a child because that's something I want to forget. All I can relate to is pain. It's something I expect from people. I have been hurt my entire life. It all started with my father; a man that I use to fear, and someone that I loved with all my heart. How can someone who is suppose to protect you, be the one who you need protection from? How can a man beat and abuse his child? How is this love? I have tried to wrap my head around the concept of love my whole life, and have yet to genuinely feel it from anyone. Maybe it's because I've always tried to reach out and get love from people non-deserving of it. Even my union with woman of my past; only seemed to happen because the brokenness I saw in them, was what I was trying to save myself from. I felt like if I could save them from their pain, I could save myself. I thought by trying to have children with a woman; who never really received the love she was deserving of, could love me the way I believed I loved her.

     I thought maybe by her having children with me, we could love those children the way we never got love. But what I selfishly didn't think of was how that would affect the lives of those unborn children. That realistically it was the lust for love that brought them here and not a union of genuine love. I was so angry with GOD for taking my twins away that I vowed to hate him for eternity. I already felt like GOD allowed so much to happen to me throughout my life, the least he could do was allow me to be the father to those children that I NEVER had! But he took them away from me, and honestly I have never been the same since. Every time I see a baby it makes me think to myself how much of a great father I could have been. It pains me each and every time I see a child. 

    I feel like I've gotten so well at masking my pain that I just push people away. It's not even because I want to, I just do it to protect myself. It's just always seemed like each time I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, genuine, sincere and caring people have taken advantage of me. Even the one time I believed I would spend the rest of my life with a woman I felt like I gave EVERYTHING to could betray me. I am a living being, but parts of my have died along time ago. But everyday I breathe and wake up I feel like I have the opportunity to right all the wrongs. I feel like it's my job to discontinue a cycle of deep rooted hate. My father is the way he is because he couldn't let go of certain things. He was abused as a child and never even knew his real father. No one was there to guide him and teach him how to be a strong man, but to LOVE at the same time. 

    I do not excuse his actions, but I do realize that it's not fully his fault either. How can you teach a son to be who he is when he could never be who he wanted to be? My father never had a childhood because he had to raise his brothers and sisters. He was abused by a man who hated him because his mother loved his real father still. We don't even realize the importance of caring and loving for children. We never take into account as adults that our actions can and just may affect the future of that child. We don't realize or we blindly perceive things through altered emotions; that these children do become adults, and how we treat them may make or break who they are forever. 

    To be honest all I really wanted was to be loved; to be appreciated and cared for, to be wanted and accepted. The last straw for me was when I told my father that my twins had died. Mind you I haven't spoken to my father in YEARS; and the only reason he had gotten in contact with me was because he found out that my ex was pregnant, through a Facebook post she tagged me in with the pregnancy stick. One thing about my father is he has NEVER liked to be left out of things. Especially since my fathers side of the family seemed to know about this and he didn't. He's the one who contacted me; and I said to myself that even though he was a deadbeat father to my sisters and I, maybe he could be an even better grandfather to my children. I promised I wouldn't even utter to them about how much of horrible parent he was, just so these children could love him without prejudices of how he treated me. But all that changed when I called him over the phone and told him that the twins had died. All he said was "oh wow, really?" He then told me he would call me back and I NEVER heard from him again, and that was nearly two and half years ago. 

    About a few months later my father had a heart attack and was literally in the hospital across the street from where I live. I didnt even go see him, and as bad as this may be I didn't and still don't care. Parts of me feels like my father was let off easy just receiving a heart attack because he could heal from that. Meanwhile I've carried certain emotional and psychological baggage my whole life because of him. I still have severe trust issues because of this man. Yet I'm suppose to feel bad because he had a heart attack? Yes, I do honestly...However, we reap what we sow. Nothing we do goes unpunished by karma. You can't live your life harming others and altering their lives negatively and believe you'll still prosper. My father at the time was a police officer and gave my mother hell when they were married. Though he may have never beat my mother he verbally and psychologically abused her. Treated her bad and even cheated on her to the point of getting that woman pregnant with my sister I hardly even know. My mother was fully committed and loyal to a man who wasn't ever deserving of a piece of who she is. A remarkable, genuine, loving, caring, loyal, honest woman. 

    Is it wrong that I just want to be with a woman who loves me with all her heart? A woman who will never lie to me or betray me. Someone that I could build my life with and grow old together. A woman that I can have children with and marry. The type of love that would last an eternity and countless lifetimes. I want to be able to look her in the eyes everyday and know that her love is everlasting for me and my love is everlasting for her. There is NOTHING wrong with a man showing his emotions, it shows he's not only a man but a person with heart. My sisters have made me realize that a REAL MAN can still be fearless but be loving and show his emotions. Society has bred men to believe that he isn't a man if he cries or shows affection. That it makes him weak or invaluable if he shows love or compassion. But it is up to us to change that way of thinking, and realize that there is nothing wrong with any of that. Embrace who you are even if others don't accept it. 

   You can't be who you are fully without committing to being happy. Yea life can be tough at times, and yes there will be times when you're down or feel alone. But always remember that you're worth it, that you're important and you mean something. Realize that you're more then enough and that anyone's life you're in will make them a better person. Love yourself and even forgive yourself, don't dwell so much on what was but rather what is and what will be. You can never undo what what was done but you can do what needs to be done. Never lose track of your importance and always wear it like a banner. Lastly, Forgiveness is the next step into ushering a new utopia of happiness. Never lose sight of that and keep it embedded deep within yourself. Life's best lesson is to be happy even when it is a beautiful nightmare. Remember that even in the midst of chaos, your life shines bright to a beautiful tomorrow....Today!

IX XX MMXIII

   I love you, for who you are and who you are destined to be. I accept who you were and who you are, because who you are will change this world. Yes people will laugh at you and make you feel like your dreams are unreachable, the ones who you hold near and dear to your heart will leave you and the ones who you invest all your time and energy in will suck the very fiber of your being out of your soul. You will second guess yourself because you fear that what you hoped for will be unreachable. You will feel sick to your stomach with fear and at times you will hold yourself back because of that doubt. But deep down you know that EVERYTHING will be in your favor. How can you be who you're destined to be if you don't walk in that faith of knowing that you're predestined for greatness? Life will bring you down and tear you down and make you feel like nothing. However; at that very moment when you've given all that that's deep down inside, and you feel like you've given the last bit of who you are into what you believe can't be done, at that moment you'll see that ALL adversities faced, you will overcome them. Love you, appreciate and accept YOU;  because besides GOD loving you, self love is the most important love you'll ever have. 

      We often seek love from everywhere and everyone because we seek some level of validation. We believe that having so many people around us and having every lavish thing you can think of makes us who we are. But if you think about it, how can you seek to have material things and inconsistent people validate what type of importantance you have? I have had a tough few years in my own life. Losing twins that I genuinely wanted, losing a relationship that I truly was invested in, losing myself because I wanted to be everything to everyone and still not being who I was. And GOD took all of that and so much more that I haven't even written here. And it was at that very moment of finally losing a long term committed relationship that I genuinely wanted to be apart of, that I realized that it was not meant to be. Frankly I have nothing but great things to say about the woman I was with because she was and still is a great, ambitious, loving, caring and outstanding woman. She was everything I could have ever hoped for. She was the woman that showed me that even when I'm down she's there to pick me up. I guess with me writing so many remarkable things about her you wonder why we didn't last. Well it's because how can two walk unless they agree? How can two people be together even if they love one another if they have lost sight of who they are? How can you love a person with every fiber of your being and not love yourself?

      For me I've always felt the need to seek validation from the ones that I hold so near and dear to my own heart. I've always felt the need to prove my love and allegiance to people that mean something to me. What I've come to realize however is that you can not be everything to everyone else and nothing to yourself. How can I tell you that you're beautiful and that you're the best thing that GOD ever created if I can't and don't believe that about myself? It contradicts so many different things when you have that warped way of thinking. I've always been a very laid back and quite person upon meeting people. I usually stay to myself and give myself the opportunity to get to know people before I actually open my mouth and converse with them. Honestly people are so judgemental of you that it can be hard to be yourself. What I'm here to express is that even if someone doesn't like who you are; they are forced to respect it because you are being who you are, caring less about what they think. Now I am not saying that you should be mean or disrespectful and have the mindset "this is who I am and you're just going to have to deal with it" way of thinking. What I am saying is if you're who you are without thought of really caring about the opinions of others, then people are just going to accept it. We often try so hard to have people shape and mold us into what they believe we should be when they themselves aren't even comfortable in their own skin. 

     Now I loved and still do love the woman I was in a relationship with for almost two years, and have known for almost three years. I don't hate her and I genuinely want her to be happy even if it's not with me. My own pride would say that I don't want her to be with anyone else but with me, but then I would be selfish. If it's meant to be it will be, you don't have to force anything. I could have done a lot differently but if I'm going to be honest I would have not been able to; because it wasn't until things truly went down hill and I was meant to find who I was, that I came to the realization of things. It's only through chaos and anarchy that you realize what peace truly is. You can never truly appreciate the finer things in life; if you have never known what it took to actually go after it, when you had nothing at all.  To be honest with you I feel lost; like I'm alone and that there in a hole in my heart where she laid so peacefully, like a baby lay sweetly on the bosom of his mother. But sometimes the most beautiful love has to end for you to realize that maybe it wasn't the best love. Maybe it wasn't the only love. Maybe it wasn't the right time to have that love. Whatever the reason may have been that the love I wanted more then I wanted to breathe didn't work may forever be a mystery. Sometimes life is just that complex that the answers won't ever really have one real direct answer. 

     Won't you stay with me until we grow old and watch our children have children? When we sit on the porch and drink a cold glass of lemonade remembering how we use to dream of that house that we always wanted and received. How I told you that we would grow old together and I would die by your side because you are my soul mate. But I'm hurt to the depths of my soul because you're no longer here to endure forever with. Sometimes those I love you's fade away like the storms of yesterday's past into a new day brighter then the last. Now two have become one but that doesn't mean it's the end, but at least for now it is. Life can be a hurtful truth and we will not always like the answers that it hands to us. As life grows and evolves as should we. I honestly haven't grown this much as I have in a long time. Yes I've grown physically and I've been a man for quite some time now, but my mental capacity as a human being has not been this high in such a long time. If I sat down and really told you all the heartache and pain I've endured; the trials and tribulations I've overcome, you would think I was not a human being. I've been predestined for great things since before I was even conceived in the womb. I believe in me even if no one else does, and I live for and love myself even if only GOD loves me. 

     I've expressed this thought to my mother and sisters ever since this year has started, that this is the year of accomplishments. This is the year of believing in your dreams and aspirations even if other people don't. This is the year to move mountains and take that leap of faith even if it seems like nothing is going right. This is the year to do all that you hope, believe in and desire to do, because the time Inwhich you will have to do it again may NEVER happen again. The things Inwhich I will do will cause me to become a billionaire. I will be a man that has influence and my businesses will change the world and how it's viewed forever. I've always believed in leaving a legacy and building something that the generations after can continue to have and flourish with. However; if I'm going to be frank with you, I would have not come back to this way of thinking if I hadn't lost all that I have. I've realized with all that was lost, it is my duty to give back. To continue that "each one teach one" way of thinking that the African proverbs have taught me. I have genuinely forgiven myself for all that I've done and have moved forward. I have left all that once was and have started focusing on what is going to be. I can not and will not make anyone love me or be with me even if they chose not to be. Yes I may cry and be broken hearted, but that is temporary. The memories never fade away it's just that the people do sometimes. 

      I've given all I've had to give and loved as much as I could have possibly loved. September 20th, 2013 (IX XX MMXIII) will forever live in my heart. I won't ever forget that day because that's when I realized what love was. Though it hurts that we couldn't work out I wish you the very best. I've got to live my life and change this world and give all that's inside of me that I wanted to give to you. With all that I have lost; what I have gained has meant more then anything else, and that is my peace of mind...

I Hate You?

         I hate you! The way you make me feel and the way that I act because of you. I can't help what I feel and what you make me do without even trying to. The level of extasty that I am able to feel because of you is unimaginable, then in other instances the pain I feel because of you is just too unbearable. But I can't live without you even if I tried my best to, and I'm incomplete without you because you're what makes me who I am. It took me almost seemingly forever to accept you for who you are and what you are able to do to me and for me. At times I feel like you're my poison, while other times I feel like you're my cure to all this hate around me. Why must you be so complicated? Why can't you just leave me alone and let me live life the way I want to without a care in the world? But you're not bad for me; it's just that you confuse me. At times you make me say and do things I don't even mean, while other times I say what I meant temporarily while I regret later on what I expressed. You're like a ticking time bomb; but with time at times you can heal. Sometimes I'm confused because of you while other times I'm more then sure what needs to be done. You're just inconsistent but consistently you're consistent on a constant basis with the things that you do. But is that how the heart should make one feel.......?

Two Steps Away

Greatness; where does is derive from? Is it courage? Is it believing in yourself even when no one else does? Is it conquering all the odds? Is it making the impossible possible? Or is it all those things and so much more? Questions I ask myself on a constant basis; on the brink of greatness, but needing to take two steps more before I actually get there. Looking at people who I thought meant the world to me, but I was only a convenience for them. Believing in those even when they didn't believe in themselves, but having them doubt every decision; dream and aspiration I have, that I myself can not even see. To lie and say at times I don't doubt my own potential would be a farce, but I'm only human. To know that some of those I hold so close to me will be those long forgotten hurts me more then not excelling. I am fearful of pushing myself to my highest potential because I feel like I will lose those I hold so near and dear to me heart; but realistically if I lose them, they were really never meant to be there anyway...right? Balancing what I need to do because what I want to do at this moment isn't ready yet. The moment where my need to's will be my want to's. Does is make me ungrateful that I make good money and have a good job and can provide the way I need to; but that's not what I want to do for the rest of my life? That I see myself owning businesses and being very wealthy for myself and those I love and care for; but don't want to make someone else richer? "Persistent Men Excel" is the motto I live by, the mantra I explain to myself everyday that I clock into someone else's company I feel like I'm far better then on EVERY LEVEL. The visions I see, the way that I feel when I talk about building companies that I know plenty of those around me don't believe will EVER come into fruition. But I continue to keep on striving because I can feel it; I'm almost there, so why would I stop? Dreams can only become a movement if you breath life Into them, and give them feet to move. So what am I waiting for?