Live Your Truth

       I'm always dolo (by myself for those unsure of the meaning). I don't need a bunch of people to feel empowered to the highest degrees. I don't need the acceptance of people who are too afraid to live out their dreams and make them a reality. So they attempt to make me feel less than because they are less than worthy to accomplish anything. It's really up to you to make shit happen and I say this with the utmost respect because I believe it. Believing is the first step to accepting what is and what will be. It's taking responsibility when no one else will. It's doing all that you can even when it feels too hard to do. It's looking those adversities right in the eyes and doing all that can be done to overcome it. Who are you not to excel? A question easier to think about trying to figure out then Accomplishing? I ask questions that at times seem too hard to figure out. And to be honest with you I battle with myself every day because I'm playing "tug of war" with myself; trying to figure out my way in the world.

       This world is way too unforgiving to those genuinely trying to make it without fucking people over to get to the top. Being manipulative and sneaky to get what they feel to be the "unattainable". I have always been extremely mindful of the people I associate myself with because I realize that the people you befriend paints a picture of who you are. Then again I have not always been the way I am now. I thought that I needed to have a bunch of people around me to have some level of importance. Not realizing at the time that it's all about the quality of people, not the quantity. In your times of need is exactly where you realize where you stand with people, not the times where everything is going fine.

       When I was nearly homeless and found myself wondering where I was going to get the money to have more to eat, that's where I realized where I stood with people. People can tell you all they want to how much they will be there, it's the actions that back up those words that matter the most. I have had times in my life where I only ate one time because I had just enough money to at least feed my family and myself once a day, then go out and pretend to the world that I was fine when I really wasn't. Then people don't make things any easier by being judgemental or inconsistent.

       With a lot of experiences in my life that I have faced, you would think that I would be broken mentally or even psychologically. However, I found that I thrived and rose above it all; Because I realized that I had a larger purpose, and it was bigger than me. You can't go into the world feeling sorry or victimizing yourself. No one is going to feel sorry for you or even make you feel better all the time. You have got to learn to believe in yourself and give of yourself to yourself because at times all you will have is yourself. I am not being cynical or negative, I am being honest and realistic. We lean too much on the support of others that we think people owe us. In reality, if someone is there for you and shows constant consistency, consider yourself blessed. Be thankful and grateful, not because they are there, but because they are being constant in their actions while being there for you!

       Never let your adversities or adversaries get in the way of what you need to do for yourself.  You have got to learn to believe in yourself even when others doubt you. Even if your family doesn't understand why you do it, or your friends don't believe in you. Keep on going, because there is not only light at the end of that dark tunnel, but you will see it through! I feel like a lot that I am now being blessed with was a long time coming. I needed to experience rock bottom to appreciate slowing rising to the top. I genuinely feel that you can never truly appreciate what it takes to get anything if you have never lost something. The reason I say that is because when you are finally getting things you deserve, you appreciate them because you realize everything it took to get it. I have lost so much in my life, but yet I still stand tall! I believe that my life purpose is to inspire people and lead others to be their very best. To own many fortune 500 Companies, and be one of the wealthiest Black Men in the world while giving back to my community. I may have been born in the projects and have seen a lot of wicked things this world had to offer, but giving up was never an option. I am a living breathing vessel and a living testimony that when you have a gift you have to present it and give it to the world. Live your truth daily, even if others lie to themselves about their own!

Hidden Agenda?

As I lay there naked; and ready to please every of your body, for a split second I ask myself why am I here? 

Why am I even having these thoughts now when you chose to give this to me?

Why is it that I am able to detach myself from any form of intimacy, yet I'm here being intimate with you?

Why did you tell me you loved me, then I lied and told you that I loved you back?

Why was I not just honest with you, yet I couldn't be because then I would hurt you?

Why is it that as boys we are forced to be men, yet as men we find ourselves longing to be boys again?

I then take off your clothes; passionately kissing every inch of your vulnerabilty, yet I find myself fighting myself daily to show mine.

Why is that so? Because; It is easier to Climax then climb next to you and let myself go, and let you see my deepest parts of my humanity I chose to throw deep into the abyss of my emotions masked with male bravado and masculinity. 

I just want you to love me for me, can I just be me and not what the world wants me to be?

Why can't I just be honest with myself? Because it is easier to believe a lie then to dig deep down in my own soul and expose the true me. 

The Truth is hard to face when you have yourself to be honest with....TO BE CONTINUED

I met Heaven when my world was Hell

           Kind of in my feelings tonight; I'm here reminiscing on the "past", and how much I miss how things use to be. How much I miss missing you and how much I love LOVE. I've come to grips that I'm just a sensitive, fearless, aggressive, outgoing, loving, giving man. There's nothing wrong with that whatsoever...I've tried my best to stay away from being who I am to build on having people appreciate who I'm not. I feel like I've brainwashed myself from being who I truly am and really excelling to my highest peak. I've done this for so many years because I was trying to figure out who I was. Trying to be a "thug" because I associated with people who did things, which in turn made me do those things to be accepted. I thought being a "player" was important because I was scared to give love due to seeing how women treated the "nice guy". The bad boy was the accepted one, the guy who every man wanted to be and every woman wanted. I've been so many types of Dee's but not the Dee that is ME.....

             At this point in my life I'm beyond happy, I have a job that I can see myself being apart of even when I have my own companies. I love myself and accept myself and appreciate myself even if no one else does. I believe in my own potential even if no one else does. Do I want to have a life where I have a wife and a few kids? Of course I do, that's something I've always wanted. My ex whom I was with nearly with for two years, made me want my own family when I thought she and I would be together forever. She has a daughter whom I still love and think about; who I want to still take care of and watch her grow up, take her to the prom and walk her down the aisle. I never thought that I could ever love a child this much and not even share the same bloodline as them. How I want to be apart of her life this bad but don't want to deal with this child because I was hurt deeply by her mother. It's something how you can love and care for a seed that really isn't yours; but she is yours because you took care of her, even if it was just for a short time. I pray that one day I can still be in this child's life on some level just so she'll know that I love her and I'm her daddy still even if she wasn't someone I helped bring to this world.

        I didn't mind being the father to her that I never had. And no I'm not with her mother; and I wish nothing but the very best for her, and no I may not be this child's biological father but I still want what's best for her.  And I'll admit at times I didn't always do or say the right things when it came to that child, but I took on the role of being a father and guardian even if it wasn't my responsibility to take on in the first place. But I'm a MAN and a MAN takes care of all that is his, even if in the end he's treated badly despite him trying so hard. I'm proud of the man that I've accepted in the mirror, I feel like a real individual and not a carbon copy of someone I'm not. GOD allowed me to endure much to have me give even more. The worst thing that a man can do is not be who he is because he believes being someone he's not will have others accept him. The last thing that I will admit is I still care partly even if I don't feel the same I use to about my ex. That's unfortunately the caring nature in me always wanting the best for others even if they don't or haven't for me.

         At this point all I really would like is a woman who loves me for me; appreciates and adores me, believes in me and stays by my side. Realize that as strong and fearless as I am I do have vulnerable moments. I'm not weak because I care, it makes me a coward if I'm fearful of showing love when GOD is love. I will make mistakes and maybe even hurt you. But I'll NEVER not give my all because that's just not who I am not to. Whoever my future Mrs. Is just know you will be the luckiest woman in the world; and not just because I'll spoil her with my love, affection, gifts and protection, but that I love her because I first learned to love myself first....