I'm ONLY Human

    I feel like I'm at that crossroad in my life where I'm on the cusp of being great; almost like Job when he lost everything he held close to his heart. He lost his loved ones, his riches and nearly his life...but he kept on going even when it seemed like all hope was lost. I lost my grandmother nearly a year ago this come November, I lost the woman I thought was going to be my everything one day before my birthday and lost my job. You would think that I would have gone crazy; sat and cursed God blaming him for everything, but honestly I thank him. Why you ask? I just realize that my story has to be told some type of way, and honestly life isn't always going to be full of success and happiness. Honestly failure and pain builds character, it makes you appreciate what is meant specifically for you. The day is approaching that my purpose will change this world, and these crossroads are just the stepping stones to build the foundation to a brighter tomorrow for myself.
    
   It's funny because I remember when my mother told me the doctor told her I was going to die while still in the womb. He told her to prepare for the worse, and she and my family were sad; I was suppose to die the doctor said. Twenty-five years later I'm here telling part of my story. Spilling my soul on this website, being as transparent as I can possibly be. I haven't always made the best decisions in my life, played with certain women's hearts, lied, stole and put my family through all types of pain. But as you all sit and point the finger about how much of a sinner I am, I'm over here freeing myself of all the burdens deep within you're too afraid to let go. I just want to finally be a FULL person in my life.

   I just want to stop beating myself for things that weren't my fault like my father leaving my mother, sisters, and I so many years ago. I just want to stop wondering why it's so hard being a young Black Male in America. I don't want to be a statistic, being in the judicial system; making babies with numerous women and continuing a cycle seemingly most black males fall in. Being a Black Male is something only the elite are able to deal with. God made me a Black Male because he realized that I would be able to handle all the adversities that life has to offer me. That I would stand tall after it all and show the world that despite you counting me out I'm STILL here.

   So as I sit here in my room all alone, pouring out all these emotions I have within myself; I realize I'm doing this for the next little boy who's not yet born. That boy that will grow up and change the world, giving of himself as though he is a human sacrifice. Dealing with things MOST people will never be able to handle because it's his walk to deal with alone. There are just some journeys we have to do by ourselves and life is one them. Our parents teach us to understand who we are while the world teaches us to shy away from it. We live in a world where we're made to believe our birth marks are blemishes and that if don't look or act a certain way you're abnormal.

   This world makes you believe skinny is beautiful but too skinny is anorexic. That if you're Thick you're gorgeous, but if you're too thick you're fat. This world makes you hate being black but makes it possible for you to tan yourself. Having big lips makes you have too much black features, but people put collagen in their lips to make them "fuller". So I'm going to sit and beat myself up and look for the approval of those who are more unsure of themselves then I once was? I don't think so.

  For the world to be so big people think so small. The unfortunate part is society has made it ok to point the finger towards someone else; make them feel insecure about all their flaws, so society can mask their own. We're just brainwashed and it's all by choice. The one comfortable enough to rise above conformity and complaceny is a true individual. When will we all get to that point where we stop wearing the mental chains? Freeing our minds of being ok with just being like everyone else, and go out on a whim.

   I was meant to make mistakes, and do all the wrong I've done. But like erasers on pencils I can change and right my wrongs. Life is a test and there's no tutor to help you get through it. It takes heart and all that you've experienced to make you realize that the only true test is coming to the conclusion there is no such thing as perfection. Perfect people don't exist, we're meant to falter and fail. Just remember that though I am unperfect those imperfections make it perfectly ok to be imperfect because I realize I'm only human...

The Stranger that Lies In The Mirror

     It's interesting how a person can make you look at life in a whole new perspective. Like everything you ever thought of wasn't right in the first place. The fact that someone has so much power with your thoughts and emotions already says exactly how "Fond" of that person you are. How every waking moment you want to be around that person. Each thought that crosses your mind has them there; and you know what? You're more then fine with that. More and more you two spend time with each other; pouring out all those secrets, that only you and God know about. Not even caring that you're falling because you have a blanket of support, which is that bond you two share. This unique bond that in your mind will last forever. Not even caring how others view you or what others want from you because you've gotten accustomed to this person. You know each and every one of their needs, wants, and desires, and you're more then willing to fulfil them. Doing all these different things for this person that's way out of your element. And why? Because they bring things out of you that you didn't even knew dwell within you.

  Hours on the phone until the sun comes up; you two just enjoying one anothers presence. Things become intimate and now deeper feelings begin to grow. This scares you because you have NEVER felt these feelings before. Then again you have never allowed yourself to until now because they made you comfortable enough to be "the real you". The you that less then a selected few have had the opportunity to see. The you that you refused to show others because you feel they are none deserving of that. How is it that this person was able to get through to the thing you hold closest to you...your heart! Then you realize you have not one specific answer to give yourself because this you that you see you don't know. Basically it's like you are looking in the mirror at a stranger.

   You are confused now because you're doing everything you said you wouldn't do. You're saying all the things you thought sounded foolish coming from other people's mouth. Deeper and deeper your feelings grow, nearly becoming like a bottomless pit. Then something happens; something unexpected...Now those thoughts of forever turn to "I can't wait until you leave". This person sickens you now and they make you angry. The very thought of them churns your stomach, but you still care for them. The walls you broke to let them in have now been replaced with a barbed-wire fence. You use to talk everyday and now you are comfortable enough hearing from them once in awhile. Now when you speak you throw up what you've done and how much you've given. That same effort you use to give is no more because you already have them.

   Those very same qualities you use to appreciate about them now annoy you. You feel smothered and argue about how you need your space and time for yourself. It gets to a point where all you two do is argue; and now you both need space. During the space you give yourself time to re-evaluate if this is what you ever really wanted in the first place. You  begin to second guess whether or not all those feelings you felt originally were even genuine; if maybe you were just caught up in a nostalgic moment. Was it that dopamine had you hooked to that person? Was it even real? These are the questions you begin to ask yourself. You both come to the conclusion it's best you part your separate ways; and just like that it's over...

   Do mirrors lie or do we lie to ourselves to appease the fact that we don't want to come to grips with the truth? Sometimes the lie feels better then the truth because at that moment you aren't hurting. You have already made yourself believe this lie you are telling because it's much easier to cope with. I said all that to say that we don't want to believe that at some time in life that person we believe we can't live without may be the person later on we can't stand to be around. I am not saying that this will always happen, but realize that sometimes your "forever" with that one you hold in such high esteem may be short lived. I feel like it is OUR job as two people in a committed relationship; (non-traditional or traditional) to continue to build. Everything is NOT suppose to lessen once you find yourselves in something committed. That honeymoon stage should always stay in full affect, and it should be that same care and emotions you had when you two first met.

    Realistically in some aspects things may not be the same, but it's the job of BOTH people to make it work. Just like Rome wasn't built in a day; an unbreakable relationship takes time. Be understanding that NO ONE is perfect and we all have room to grow and change. Be sure that you two are on the same page and want the same things. Two people can never truly stay together if there isn't a mutal understanding from both individuals. Love, like and be with whomever you want to; do whatever is going to make you truly happy. Sometimes we forget that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but in fact two people perfect for one another within that foundation you call a relationship.Remember this; at times a relationship can be like a storm, sometimes there may be gray skys and heavy rain, but all storms pass to allow the sun to shine again. Always remember that it takes TWO to make something work...