My Good Bye isn't Forever

I feel alive; awake beyond measure. My thoughts different, my vision much keener, and all that I use to care for doesn't even matter anymore. I want to be successful; but it's not all about the money and fame anymore, it's more so about being financially stable enough to have my family, future wife and our daughter never wanting for anything ever again. It's about being well connected to individuals who have no limits to the success they want to acquire. It's about moving higher; elevating until there is no more room to move. It's about believing and achieving the things people said couldn't be done. It's all about blessing those that have cursed me. Remembering to have honor, respect, dignity and pride for oneself. It's about leaving a legacy that will last for an eternity. Today embarks the year anniversary of my Grandmothers passing; a woman too powerful to explain, even if I had an eternity to expound upon her greatness. The woman who helped mold and shape me into the fearless individual I am. The woman who gave until she had no more to give. Though I want to be selfish and have her here by my side; laughing with her, making jokes and enjoying her presence. GOD needed her back by his side to watch over me. Though my heart is as heavy as a ton of steel, I will celebrate her life. She is no longer here on this cold and unforgiving Hell we call the world. She is no longer suffering from Cancer; losing pints of blood, nearly forgetting who we all were. She lived a long life, and though her flesh is dead, her Spirit will live on forever. So Grammy; I am sad that you're gone, which made a year today, but I thank you. You left an impeccable legacy that I will continue on through my children. Every time the moon rises and the sun sets, I will look upon the Heavens and smile, because I know you will ALWAYS and FOREVER watch over me. This isn't a Good Bye, but a see you later.....

Death to Righteousness

Justice; what does that truly even mean anymore? Unity; does it truly even exist?

The land of the free but where is the freedom when you're doomed anyway?

The land that isn't my land but its home nonetheless. Where you can serve time for the murder of a dog, but walk and be free to do as you please when you can slaughter a young Black male with ease and suffer nothing.

Nothing; because that's what you are anyway right? Just another nigger off the street to make others feel justified you were murdered.

It matters not that you were the child of someone, or that Christmas and holidays won't be the same because you're not there anymore.

To know that skittles and an Arizona has even more of a symbolic meaning then just a juice and some candy.

How the mother dreads her son walking the streets at night even more now then ever because someone is "protecting" the community.

And protecting this community from what exactly? From the problems that plague the community or the Black people considered a plague in the community?

I'm not worth saving because I am nothing but a disease? And my birth defect is the fact that my skin is as black as the night sky?

Where is my justice when I need saving? Are you that hateful that you still consider me 3/5th of a man though I am no longer a slave?

The chains of bondage are gone physically, but in your eyes I'm hold less value then your precious animals I can go to jail for killing if I was Michael Vick.

The annihilation of a specific ethnicity matters not when everything in your world is fine.

You sit in the judgement seat, pointing the finger and hiding behind a judicial system made specifically to hinder the elevation and prosperity of people of African Decent.

I pray that America will truly be as United as it falsely proclaims in the Star Spangled banner; but since there is separation of Church and State, I guess my prayers don't matter huh?

I have to ask myself how free I truly am if it is ok to murder an African American in cold blood and suffer no consequences.

I'm starting to feel like an endangered species; but there are even societies that save animals, but I am expendable.

How can I "Love thy neighbor" when I'm not even accepted in the community?

I am scared for the future of the young Black Males, when it seems like our destiny has been predestined for us; with either prison or death...

I'm ONLY Human

    I feel like I'm at that crossroad in my life where I'm on the cusp of being great; almost like Job when he lost everything he held close to his heart. He lost his loved ones, his riches and nearly his life...but he kept on going even when it seemed like all hope was lost. I lost my grandmother nearly a year ago this come November, I lost the woman I thought was going to be my everything one day before my birthday and lost my job. You would think that I would have gone crazy; sat and cursed God blaming him for everything, but honestly I thank him. Why you ask? I just realize that my story has to be told some type of way, and honestly life isn't always going to be full of success and happiness. Honestly failure and pain builds character, it makes you appreciate what is meant specifically for you. The day is approaching that my purpose will change this world, and these crossroads are just the stepping stones to build the foundation to a brighter tomorrow for myself.
    
   It's funny because I remember when my mother told me the doctor told her I was going to die while still in the womb. He told her to prepare for the worse, and she and my family were sad; I was suppose to die the doctor said. Twenty-five years later I'm here telling part of my story. Spilling my soul on this website, being as transparent as I can possibly be. I haven't always made the best decisions in my life, played with certain women's hearts, lied, stole and put my family through all types of pain. But as you all sit and point the finger about how much of a sinner I am, I'm over here freeing myself of all the burdens deep within you're too afraid to let go. I just want to finally be a FULL person in my life.

   I just want to stop beating myself for things that weren't my fault like my father leaving my mother, sisters, and I so many years ago. I just want to stop wondering why it's so hard being a young Black Male in America. I don't want to be a statistic, being in the judicial system; making babies with numerous women and continuing a cycle seemingly most black males fall in. Being a Black Male is something only the elite are able to deal with. God made me a Black Male because he realized that I would be able to handle all the adversities that life has to offer me. That I would stand tall after it all and show the world that despite you counting me out I'm STILL here.

   So as I sit here in my room all alone, pouring out all these emotions I have within myself; I realize I'm doing this for the next little boy who's not yet born. That boy that will grow up and change the world, giving of himself as though he is a human sacrifice. Dealing with things MOST people will never be able to handle because it's his walk to deal with alone. There are just some journeys we have to do by ourselves and life is one them. Our parents teach us to understand who we are while the world teaches us to shy away from it. We live in a world where we're made to believe our birth marks are blemishes and that if don't look or act a certain way you're abnormal.

   This world makes you believe skinny is beautiful but too skinny is anorexic. That if you're Thick you're gorgeous, but if you're too thick you're fat. This world makes you hate being black but makes it possible for you to tan yourself. Having big lips makes you have too much black features, but people put collagen in their lips to make them "fuller". So I'm going to sit and beat myself up and look for the approval of those who are more unsure of themselves then I once was? I don't think so.

  For the world to be so big people think so small. The unfortunate part is society has made it ok to point the finger towards someone else; make them feel insecure about all their flaws, so society can mask their own. We're just brainwashed and it's all by choice. The one comfortable enough to rise above conformity and complaceny is a true individual. When will we all get to that point where we stop wearing the mental chains? Freeing our minds of being ok with just being like everyone else, and go out on a whim.

   I was meant to make mistakes, and do all the wrong I've done. But like erasers on pencils I can change and right my wrongs. Life is a test and there's no tutor to help you get through it. It takes heart and all that you've experienced to make you realize that the only true test is coming to the conclusion there is no such thing as perfection. Perfect people don't exist, we're meant to falter and fail. Just remember that though I am unperfect those imperfections make it perfectly ok to be imperfect because I realize I'm only human...

A Permanent resident in my Heart

Words can't explain how I feel
In due time I hope these wounds heal
I still can't believe that you're gone
I don't want to believe that you're gone.
I wish this was just a nightmare
That my heart wasn't filled with dispair
That I'd wake up and this be a dream
And that this wasn't what it seemed
You're not here, but I honor your life
No longer suffering with misery or strife
The strongest woman I know
But God deemed it time for you to go
Grandma you taught me a lot,
and I'm sure God saved you a spot...
In heaven; where you deserve to thrive
You blessed this world when you were alive
I'll miss the way we laugh and joke
And those wise words of wisdom you spoke
It's not easy for me to say Good Bye
And honestly I don't want to try
So instead I'll say; I'll see you later, because I have much to give
But in my heart and mind you will ALWAYS Live.

I Love you Grammy, you will truly be missed...Rest in Paradise