My Plight with America

  I find myself waking up often.  wondering exactly what my purpose is. Am I fulfilling exactly what I am destined to do? Or am I just content with complaceny; conforming to being complacent because of my fears of my own progression? Fearful that maybe what I'm going after may not even make me great. It's often stated that we fear the unknown because we are not sure exactly what it will bring or where it will take us. I on the other hand have an inkling where my progression will take me, I just don't want to fail. I don't want all the tears, heartache, trails and tribulations to be in vein because of a "dream". So much has happened to me, I've lost so much and have grown up. I just turned twenty-five on June 24th, and I look back and ask myself what have I sincerely fulfilled?

   To be honest that definitely is a pessimistic way of thinking; but for me to sit and act like I don't have moments of doubt like I do at this point in my life would be a farce. I live life and love just like everyone else. I enjoy the fruits of my labor and want a family, to be married and be successful just like everyone else.
What makes me different from everyone else is I don't have the luxury of just giving up, for a lot of different reasons. One of those reasons being that I am a Male of African Decent (African American). To some this may mean nothing, to me this means everything. Why you ask? Well I'll explain the best way possible.

  I find myself reading all types of things, trying to inform myself with as much knowledge as possible. Like all muscles of the body you have to train your mind often; giving it as many supplements as it can handle. Pushing it to it's limits so you can have the results you deserve. I said all that to say that knowledge is power and without it you can find yourself misinformed about plenty. Now whether people want to hear it or believe it we don't live in world where African Americans are so accepted, especially the males who are black. I'm not saying this from a close minded perspective or pessimism, it's a fact. I myself have gone through MANY situations where I have been treated differently or viewed in a particular way until I have opened my mouth or expressed myself.

  I sincerely believe that people believe exactly what they hear in the news; on the television, in the papers, on the internet. Any platform where a plethora of people can read it or see it I guarantee that a negative stigma about African Americans will be displayed. Sadly in some ways African Americans are to blame because we ALLOW people to stamp us and do nothing to change that. We just accept it because we're tired of defending ourselves from people who don't care if what is being stated is false.

  Before someone tries to twist what I am saying around I am not saying every black person is doing this; it is specifically to those who are, but we ALL as people of African Decent must genuinely take a stand. The many injustices faced on a regular is mind blowing. From the police, the media, other people and in some ways how we treat one another disgusts me. I read something today called "A letter from the Ku Klux Klan" that was disheartening; but what was sad was what they were saying was accurate. Not 110% but partly and it angered me.

   This issue of "race" in our society seems to have gotten worse. It doesn't matter that our president is black or that the 27 Amendments were formed; or it doesn't matter that the Emancipation Proclamation was made, we live in a society of racism and bigotry. It's amongst each other with the bs of "light skin" Vs "dark skin"and who's better or worse. The fact that it is already predestined that as a Black male you will probably be incarcerated, be a "baby daddy" and have no education. We have been conditioned to hate and fear the police and they have been conditioned to fear and hate us.

   It seems to be fine if you execute or slaughter all in the name of "justice". But when you look deep down inside yourself; exactly what injustices are you protecting society from? Who exactly are committing things that would make you feel like you need some level of protection from? I bet some people have already gotten an idea as to who, and though you may not admit it externally, internally you have already stated it.
We live in a society where prejudice is thriving but we sit and accept it and act like it's the norm which is unfortunate.

   I am twenty-five years old and my mother is still afraid every time I leave her house. I don't want to live in a world where I have to be afraid that someone may shoot me or that I'll be imprisoned because of racial profiling. Who wants to live in a world where the ONLY reason I may be able to get a good job; even when I'm very qualified, is because the company has to seem like it's an "equal opportunity employer." Some may say "Derrick you are looking far too deep into the situation, everyone isn't a racist." That part I am well aware, but until you have walked in my shoes and the shoes of others who are black like me; then you can't tell me without exactly saying it "get over it".

   Issues of slavery, false imprisonment, racial profiling, the list can go on until my fingers go numb from writing; and these and so many others just as serious seem to get the attitude "get over it" and why? Why get over it when we can put people in prison for killing animals but have the police walk free for murdering a boy handcuffed that was complying with everything they asked him to do? Get over the fact that a man like George Zimmerman could walk free for killing Trayvon Martin, but give Marissa Alexander TWENTY YEARS for setting off warning shots IN THE AIR just to PROTECT herself from an abusive husband? These issues aren't worthy of being angered over? I have to get over it? Well it seems like I didn't get the memo when it says I lived in the "United States"; but we're all united until issues involving African Americans surface.

   I guess this is what society is getting protection from; but what it really appears to be is the world protecting itself from annihilating blacks literally and figuratively, then masking it as "protection".

   I will also state that I am highly disappointed in those individuals who find is appropriate to partake in the ignorance of the issue of racism amongst one another. That individuals deem it appropriate to make the "light skin vs dark skin" issue a battle. What you don't understand is black folks come in ALL shapes and sizes, colors and hues; we are the ONLY group of people that do, and that should be waved like a banner of honor NOT as a problem. If you truly want to be informed about where the thoughts of "superiority" amongst each other comes from Google the Willie Lynch letters. He is the man who was named after lynching and the person who indoctrinated the methods of thoughts so many people of African decent carry. As I stated earlier STAY informed. Realize why you do or say some of the things you deem "normal" and question yourself as to why.

  It is issues like the ones I have stated and so many others that make me fight for my beliefs. That make me strive for a better future where race and color are not an issue whatsoever. I just want us ALL, no matter what your background is to come together as ONE race; which is the HUMAN RACE! My grandmother use to say that there was no such thing as race amongst people, that we are all one in the same and that the only things that does separate us is our beliefs. I wish that were true and that simple. We have to inherit a mentality like we did when we were children; where we don't see color or complexion, but we see a person. A person that may not look like us or even come from where we come from, but we accept them anyway because we all represent the same thing;Humanity...

I'm ONLY Human

    I feel like I'm at that crossroad in my life where I'm on the cusp of being great; almost like Job when he lost everything he held close to his heart. He lost his loved ones, his riches and nearly his life...but he kept on going even when it seemed like all hope was lost. I lost my grandmother nearly a year ago this come November, I lost the woman I thought was going to be my everything one day before my birthday and lost my job. You would think that I would have gone crazy; sat and cursed God blaming him for everything, but honestly I thank him. Why you ask? I just realize that my story has to be told some type of way, and honestly life isn't always going to be full of success and happiness. Honestly failure and pain builds character, it makes you appreciate what is meant specifically for you. The day is approaching that my purpose will change this world, and these crossroads are just the stepping stones to build the foundation to a brighter tomorrow for myself.
    
   It's funny because I remember when my mother told me the doctor told her I was going to die while still in the womb. He told her to prepare for the worse, and she and my family were sad; I was suppose to die the doctor said. Twenty-five years later I'm here telling part of my story. Spilling my soul on this website, being as transparent as I can possibly be. I haven't always made the best decisions in my life, played with certain women's hearts, lied, stole and put my family through all types of pain. But as you all sit and point the finger about how much of a sinner I am, I'm over here freeing myself of all the burdens deep within you're too afraid to let go. I just want to finally be a FULL person in my life.

   I just want to stop beating myself for things that weren't my fault like my father leaving my mother, sisters, and I so many years ago. I just want to stop wondering why it's so hard being a young Black Male in America. I don't want to be a statistic, being in the judicial system; making babies with numerous women and continuing a cycle seemingly most black males fall in. Being a Black Male is something only the elite are able to deal with. God made me a Black Male because he realized that I would be able to handle all the adversities that life has to offer me. That I would stand tall after it all and show the world that despite you counting me out I'm STILL here.

   So as I sit here in my room all alone, pouring out all these emotions I have within myself; I realize I'm doing this for the next little boy who's not yet born. That boy that will grow up and change the world, giving of himself as though he is a human sacrifice. Dealing with things MOST people will never be able to handle because it's his walk to deal with alone. There are just some journeys we have to do by ourselves and life is one them. Our parents teach us to understand who we are while the world teaches us to shy away from it. We live in a world where we're made to believe our birth marks are blemishes and that if don't look or act a certain way you're abnormal.

   This world makes you believe skinny is beautiful but too skinny is anorexic. That if you're Thick you're gorgeous, but if you're too thick you're fat. This world makes you hate being black but makes it possible for you to tan yourself. Having big lips makes you have too much black features, but people put collagen in their lips to make them "fuller". So I'm going to sit and beat myself up and look for the approval of those who are more unsure of themselves then I once was? I don't think so.

  For the world to be so big people think so small. The unfortunate part is society has made it ok to point the finger towards someone else; make them feel insecure about all their flaws, so society can mask their own. We're just brainwashed and it's all by choice. The one comfortable enough to rise above conformity and complaceny is a true individual. When will we all get to that point where we stop wearing the mental chains? Freeing our minds of being ok with just being like everyone else, and go out on a whim.

   I was meant to make mistakes, and do all the wrong I've done. But like erasers on pencils I can change and right my wrongs. Life is a test and there's no tutor to help you get through it. It takes heart and all that you've experienced to make you realize that the only true test is coming to the conclusion there is no such thing as perfection. Perfect people don't exist, we're meant to falter and fail. Just remember that though I am unperfect those imperfections make it perfectly ok to be imperfect because I realize I'm only human...