Our Imperfect Perfection

Can we just be together forever; grow old and potentially fall in Love? Just let the past be the past and let the bright future we have weed out anything dark. My fear isn't that I'll lose you, but fall so deep for you that not one expression will be able to define my feelings for you. Whenever I look at you I get lost in your eyes. You look back at me and I realize at that moment nothing else matters because I'm with you...Everything I say at this moment is only a reflection of all that I feel for you. I'll let my words be the mirror; showing you those emotions unseen by the naked eye. I promise that I can be the man you trust if you allow me to be. I know I'm not perfect and I honestly don't want to be; but I know we are perfect together. Your smile warms me even when this world gives me the cold shoulder. You listen attentively to what I tell you, lending an ear when I feel like no one else cares. But you; I know you care. I feel like I've known you all my life, like we were two distant lovers in another lifetime. And whether or not you say you Love me, at some point and time I know there is something there. I take you for who you are and not for who you were. Started off as friends yet close to lovers; emotions got involved and our true feelings arose. And I don't want to lose what we have, so before we say or do something we regret let's rewind what happened and move past it. So let's focus on what's going to make what we have last beyond forever. Grow old and have kids and still feel the spark that we had when we crossed paths years earlier. The Good, the bad and ugly; I accept you for who you are and want to potentially Love you for it. If I had to go through all that I have all over again I would; just knowing I'll have the opportunity to have a woman as beautiful, caring and sincere as you are in my life again.

Purpose before Expiration

     As I sit here; trapped in my own thoughts, thinking about my life and the people in it, I wonder what my true purpose is? Why do we love, and what is our true destination after life; when we are already almost dead. It's crazy how we already have an expiration date once we are born. From the womb to the tomb is what people say, but what about the time in between? I think about all that I have lost in my life, the people I thought would always be there, and the grandmother who recently died from cancer. Sometimes I feel like God doesn't care about my family and I. I ask myself why we have to suffer? However, suffering is the reassuring factor that we all have to face no matter who we are. It's one of those things each of us have to deal with, just like life and death.

      The last days of my grandmother's life I sat and thought about her life. All that she gave to my sisters, cousins and myself. The wisdom she poured out to us, the love she gave, and her smile. Maybe I'm selfish be because I didn't want her to die. She lived 92 years of her life giving her all to everybody else. She was a mother of four daughters she taught to be Queens, a wife who was loyal to her husband, a daughter who loved her mother deeply, a sister who would give anything to her sibling, and an educator who taught for over 25 years. My grandmother was a fighter and a true definition of what a woman of elegance is suppose to be.

     I always liked to hear my grandmother tell me stories about her life in South Carolina, and her migration to New York City. One thing my grandmother always told me was give. Give your all and NEVER give up or give into what other people think about you. At the age of 48 she went back to school and graduated from college. after that she went to teach in the New York City public school system for the next 25 years. My grandmother changed lives and she did it with dignity. How could I not lead with that kind of leadership in front of me?

  The funny thing is her journey as a teacher ended once she was told I was on the way. She stayed home to help my mother with her pregnancy. The sad part was there were complications; the doctor told my mother I was set to die and I wouldn't make it....and here I am. My mother and father were married for years, and he was a policemen. He provided for my mother, sisters and I; but he was physically abusive to my sisters and me. He was abusive to me the most, I guess it was because he never even knew his own father. He had to be a father and a brother to his own siblings. He didn't even have the opportunity to have a real childhood. I guess I was his way to get his anger out on. That broke me down honestly, and it caused me to stutter and be be shy. Little did I know that would make me the man I am now.

   I've expressed just a portion of my life; to remind you that we all do have an expiration date, but YOU hold the power to what people will say about you in your obituary. I honestly feel like we live life not for ourselves, but to be an example to someone else. My grandmother showed me a lot while she was here, she was the blueprint. A blueprint that gave me the opportunity to realize that nothing in life is unattainable. If you never take chances you'll never know what could be, but instead ask yourself what could have been. Living with regrets isn't a life worth living, instead live without regret.

   This world is as cold as a bitter winter in the Artic. It can be unforgiving, but you must always have a level of forgiveness of the heart. What I mean by that is realize that nothing in the world we go through happens in vain. There is a bigger picture and its up to us the finish that painting. Believe because without that there is no hope. Hope that at some point there is light at the tunnel of the seemingly endless darkness you seem to be facing. I posed a question to myself earlier about what my purpose is, and how I will know what it is. Honestly my best asnwer is you just know...It is the voice in us all we don't listen to but know it's right.

   fight for what you desere, even if you have to have an internal battle with yourself to get to it. Purpose has a whole new importance once you realize that you are the blueprint to help someone else get through life. I'll leave you with something my grandmother use to always say to me when I was little. "Never close your hand to give, because a hand that is closed not only can't give, but can't receive." Remember; Our life is like a never ending movie and we are the main characters. We deal with drama, have the capacity to love and deal with many horrors; but how we act determines the end of our movie. Now what will everyone say about yours?

A Permanent resident in my Heart

Words can't explain how I feel
In due time I hope these wounds heal
I still can't believe that you're gone
I don't want to believe that you're gone.
I wish this was just a nightmare
That my heart wasn't filled with dispair
That I'd wake up and this be a dream
And that this wasn't what it seemed
You're not here, but I honor your life
No longer suffering with misery or strife
The strongest woman I know
But God deemed it time for you to go
Grandma you taught me a lot,
and I'm sure God saved you a spot...
In heaven; where you deserve to thrive
You blessed this world when you were alive
I'll miss the way we laugh and joke
And those wise words of wisdom you spoke
It's not easy for me to say Good Bye
And honestly I don't want to try
So instead I'll say; I'll see you later, because I have much to give
But in my heart and mind you will ALWAYS Live.

I Love you Grammy, you will truly be missed...Rest in Paradise

Short Letter to my Black Queens

The Black woman is the most unprotected, unloved woman on earth. She holds down the family, she even holds down the home and continues to be radiant and shine bright despite the darkness all around her. She is the only flower that grows unwatered; she's a sight to see and her beauty is unlike no other. Thank you my beautiful Black Queens, I'm appreciative of your strength and I'm blessed to know you...

Sincerely;
A lover of Black Women

Be alone together

      It's times like this I think of you, looking outside into the distance wondering what you're doing. Saying to myself how was I so blessed to have you apart of my life? How two can become one as though two colors were mixed on a canvas. Let me be the brush and you be the palate, expressing all thoughts and emotions deep as though I'm speaking to you with my lips. Telling you everything you mean to me, and never being ashamed to express those feelings I feel for you. You see I'm use to being alone, dealing with my issues like a lone wolf. Never really showing the side of my vulnerability because I can't. Not because I can't but because I don't want to.

      I'll be as clear as a mirror showing you everything I never wanted you to see because the mirror never lies. And it's not that I want to lie to you, it's just that I'm afraid; and not the fear of negative thoughts but fearful that I'll fall. Fall deeply for you and expose the thoughts my heart wants to say but my lips tell you instead. If this was a dream I don't ever want to wake up from it; and if granted one last wish, it would be to see your smile. Your smile is as bright as the stars that shine in the night sky to let us know they're alive. You make life worth living because my life seems brighter with you apart of it. And you may not be perfect but you're perfect for me. You see I'm not trying to tell you anything but the truth, my truth.

     You're the kind of woman I want to put a ring on, the one I want a future with. The person I want to always wake up next to and kiss without any cares of your morning breath. You're the one I want to grow old with, and have children with and watch you walk with a pregnant belly. Kissing your stomach; and knowing that the child will come into the world with both parents who genuinely love one another. I would never hurt you and the only tears I would give you is that of joy because that's what I'm filled with each time I speak to you. If God ever made the perfect woman you are the blue print he chose to make perfection. I Look deep into my eyes and realize that you're all I want and need in a woman.

     You hold a special place in my heart because I never felt like this before. And I could care less what others think or feel because what we have is real. Our love is as real as the reality that we live in. Believe me when I say I love you, I mean that from the depths of my soul. But my goal is not to just tell you how much you mean to me, but allow you to see that my love is as infinite as God's love for us all. And if I had to be alone ever again; I would much rather be alone...together...with you.

My unspoken truth

Dear Dad,

I always wanted you to know what I felt, how much hurt and pain you dealt.

The birthdays, Christmas's and graduations missed, the fact that you gave me your ass to kiss.

I don't remember much happiness, I remember more pain, thank God you left I was going insane.

You missed out on my achievements and didn't care to see, you could care less about who I was destined to be.

I grew up a fatherless child, so at times my behavior was relentless and wild.

Thank God for me Mother, Grandmother, Aunts, Sisters and friends. Without their support I don't know where I would have been.

It's not like you died or lived in another state, the thought of you use to bring about hate.

I use to look at myself and say why do I favor you? But now I realize I'm nothing like you.

I don't hate you but as a child I did,
But I forgive your actions and the things you did.

How you use to humility me and beat me so, but God knew what he did when he let you go.

But despite everything I want to thank you, I don't hate you or wish anything but the best for you.

Yes it's true, I grew up fatherless with no guidance from a man; but despite it all here I stand.

I stand tall, conquering every adversity I've ever had. But I must admit I'm sad, and not for myself but for you.

Because no matter how long you try to play catch up you'll never really know who I am, and you have no one to blame but yourself.

But dad I don't want you to think this is a letter telling you how much I hate you or how much you've missed. It's to reassure myself that there's nothing to miss.

But thank you, you've opened my eyes when I was too blind to see, that you're the man who in fact taught me who I don't want to be...

Sincerely,
                  
The Son you never knew; Derrick Tirrone Lewis Jr.

Vulnerability

You ever had someone make you change the way you viewed life? The way you felt about love, and what it can bring. It's beyond how you want to love, and feel love back, but how far you're willing to go to achieve it. How someone can make you totally forget about any bad relationship you've ever had. How they can put a smile on your face when you're sad. And even when they make you mad you smile internally, because you're glad they've entered your life. No amount of misery or strife can change a view you already set aside to feel for this person; because it's beyond words now. Not one particular word can express how you feel because it's not as simple as I love you or as complicated as be with me; it's like the perfect pitch and tone to your favorite symphony. It's beyond like but not yet love, almost like a mini limbo you don't want to escape from. Their laugh warms your heart like a flame, their pain becomes your pain and your feelings mean the world to them. It's like flying without a parachute and knowing you'll have a safe landing. You start to realize you're nothing like yourself anymore, but it's nothing negative; it's all...Good. And not that it's bad, it just feels weird but you like it; now you're scared. This person knows you like a wife knows her husbands birth mark not seen by the naked eye. Like a husband knows his wife's next words before she even utters one. You find yourself wanting to pull back now, because it all feels too good to be true. You start to second guess whether or not everything you felt was even real. You even start to ask God if you even deserve this much happiness that this person gives you; that you always longed for, that you always dreamed of. The answer is simply...yes! Because if this person can make you feel this way then why not embrace it? Don't allow your fears to hinder your happiness. Vulnerability can make you second guess a lot of things, but the ability to let those fears go is a testament that happiness and love conquers all!

My Silent Poetry

It's weird but I feel like I've known you forever, like someone I've met in a past lifetime. I embrace you like we've been together for eons. When we speak I get lost in your Voice, my thoughts wandering to what we can become. I feel weak because there's not one word that can fully express how much I care for you. I feel new strength knowing I'm not alone in these feelings I've felt. I yearn for your warm embrace, anticipating the day I can gaze deep in your eyes and pour out all my emotions to you with my body. Two becoming one like distant lovers, yet we've known each other for only a moment. But these moments feel like lifetimes each time we speak, I never want them to end or for you to leave. But when you do go I find myself lost in my thoughts again, wondering how God placed such a angelic woman like you in my life. You're someone I always wanted, but I never felt I would get. It's almost surreal, a dream that I never want to wake up from. If God created perfection you were his greatest masterpiece. From the way you wear you hair, down to your perfectly pedicured feet, you're beyond whatever word I could think of to express how amazing I find you. I feel so strongly about you; but I don't like this feeling of vulnerability. Knowing that at any moment I could lose you, but I would give anything to have just one moment with you. If I had nothing, I would be fine knowing I had you by my side. You've shown me what It feels like to be appreciated, and now I never want to let you go, not even for a moment...