As I sit here; trapped in my own thoughts, thinking about my life and the people in it, I wonder what my true purpose is? Why do we love, and what is our true destination after life; when we are already almost dead. It's crazy how we already have an expiration date once we are born. From the womb to the tomb is what people say, but what about the time in between? I think about all that I have lost in my life, the people I thought would always be there, and the grandmother who recently died from cancer. Sometimes I feel like God doesn't care about my family and I. I ask myself why we have to suffer? However, suffering is the reassuring factor that we all have to face no matter who we are. It's one of those things each of us have to deal with, just like life and death.
The last days of my grandmother's life I sat and thought about her life. All that she gave to my sisters, cousins and myself. The wisdom she poured out to us, the love she gave, and her smile. Maybe I'm selfish be because I didn't want her to die. She lived 92 years of her life giving her all to everybody else. She was a mother of four daughters she taught to be Queens, a wife who was loyal to her husband, a daughter who loved her mother deeply, a sister who would give anything to her sibling, and an educator who taught for over 25 years. My grandmother was a fighter and a true definition of what a woman of elegance is suppose to be.
I always liked to hear my grandmother tell me stories about her life in South Carolina, and her migration to New York City. One thing my grandmother always told me was give. Give your all and NEVER give up or give into what other people think about you. At the age of 48 she went back to school and graduated from college. after that she went to teach in the New York City public school system for the next 25 years. My grandmother changed lives and she did it with dignity. How could I not lead with that kind of leadership in front of me?
The funny thing is her journey as a teacher ended once she was told I was on the way. She stayed home to help my mother with her pregnancy. The sad part was there were complications; the doctor told my mother I was set to die and I wouldn't make it....and here I am. My mother and father were married for years, and he was a policemen. He provided for my mother, sisters and I; but he was physically abusive to my sisters and me. He was abusive to me the most, I guess it was because he never even knew his own father. He had to be a father and a brother to his own siblings. He didn't even have the opportunity to have a real childhood. I guess I was his way to get his anger out on. That broke me down honestly, and it caused me to stutter and be be shy. Little did I know that would make me the man I am now.
I've expressed just a portion of my life; to remind you that we all do have an expiration date, but YOU hold the power to what people will say about you in your obituary. I honestly feel like we live life not for ourselves, but to be an example to someone else. My grandmother showed me a lot while she was here, she was the blueprint. A blueprint that gave me the opportunity to realize that nothing in life is unattainable. If you never take chances you'll never know what could be, but instead ask yourself what could have been. Living with regrets isn't a life worth living, instead live without regret.
This world is as cold as a bitter winter in the Artic. It can be unforgiving, but you must always have a level of forgiveness of the heart. What I mean by that is realize that nothing in the world we go through happens in vain. There is a bigger picture and its up to us the finish that painting. Believe because without that there is no hope. Hope that at some point there is light at the tunnel of the seemingly endless darkness you seem to be facing. I posed a question to myself earlier about what my purpose is, and how I will know what it is. Honestly my best asnwer is you just know...It is the voice in us all we don't listen to but know it's right.
fight for what you desere, even if you have to have an internal battle with yourself to get to it. Purpose has a whole new importance once you realize that you are the blueprint to help someone else get through life. I'll leave you with something my grandmother use to always say to me when I was little. "Never close your hand to give, because a hand that is closed not only can't give, but can't receive." Remember; Our life is like a never ending movie and we are the main characters. We deal with drama, have the capacity to love and deal with many horrors; but how we act determines the end of our movie. Now what will everyone say about yours?
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