Farewell

I won't miss you; you brought great sorrow and pain, struggle and strain. Death and destruction, chaos and disfunction. I lost hope for you so long ago and I'm glad that you're leaving me. I rarely have a positive memory of you because you made life so difficult for me. You tried to break me any chance that you got and always tried to remind me of those things. There were a few laughs here and there but all in all you betrayed me. You not only hurt me but those that mean something to me. 

People lost family members because of you and themselves. You played on a lot of people's insecurities and you tried your hardest to make everyone suffer. You broke homes, caused people to turn against one another and you lied. You gave us false hope and you shattered dreams. You put me through a mental roller coaster ride and I'll NEVER be the same because of you. But despite it all I want to thank you. 

Thank you for showing me that I mean the world to myself. That my feelings matter, that I'm an asset to the lives of anyone that I'm around. Thank you for pushing me to my fullest potential. Thank you for causing me to believe in myself and not caring whether or not anyone else believed in me. Thank you for making me realize that I'm a man of great substance, that even with all that I've gone through I could accomplish ANYTHING! Thank you for the sorrow and pain, the struggle and strain, chaos and disfunction and even the destruction. 

I was able to get through it all and realize that I'm a decent man who's going to be EXTREMELY successful in 2017 and beyond! So Good Bye 2016; though I won't miss you, you gave me more then any other year did. Because you made me realize I'm more then worth it even when you tried to make me feel worthless!

My uninhabited Utopia

   I haven't be myself in a long time; I feel like I'm immune to pain, I have felt alone my entire life. I don't remember anything about being a child because that's something I want to forget. All I can relate to is pain. It's something I expect from people. I have been hurt my entire life. It all started with my father; a man that I use to fear, and someone that I loved with all my heart. How can someone who is suppose to protect you, be the one who you need protection from? How can a man beat and abuse his child? How is this love? I have tried to wrap my head around the concept of love my whole life, and have yet to genuinely feel it from anyone. Maybe it's because I've always tried to reach out and get love from people non-deserving of it. Even my union with woman of my past; only seemed to happen because the brokenness I saw in them, was what I was trying to save myself from. I felt like if I could save them from their pain, I could save myself. I thought by trying to have children with a woman; who never really received the love she was deserving of, could love me the way I believed I loved her.

     I thought maybe by her having children with me, we could love those children the way we never got love. But what I selfishly didn't think of was how that would affect the lives of those unborn children. That realistically it was the lust for love that brought them here and not a union of genuine love. I was so angry with GOD for taking my twins away that I vowed to hate him for eternity. I already felt like GOD allowed so much to happen to me throughout my life, the least he could do was allow me to be the father to those children that I NEVER had! But he took them away from me, and honestly I have never been the same since. Every time I see a baby it makes me think to myself how much of a great father I could have been. It pains me each and every time I see a child. 

    I feel like I've gotten so well at masking my pain that I just push people away. It's not even because I want to, I just do it to protect myself. It's just always seemed like each time I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, genuine, sincere and caring people have taken advantage of me. Even the one time I believed I would spend the rest of my life with a woman I felt like I gave EVERYTHING to could betray me. I am a living being, but parts of my have died along time ago. But everyday I breathe and wake up I feel like I have the opportunity to right all the wrongs. I feel like it's my job to discontinue a cycle of deep rooted hate. My father is the way he is because he couldn't let go of certain things. He was abused as a child and never even knew his real father. No one was there to guide him and teach him how to be a strong man, but to LOVE at the same time. 

    I do not excuse his actions, but I do realize that it's not fully his fault either. How can you teach a son to be who he is when he could never be who he wanted to be? My father never had a childhood because he had to raise his brothers and sisters. He was abused by a man who hated him because his mother loved his real father still. We don't even realize the importance of caring and loving for children. We never take into account as adults that our actions can and just may affect the future of that child. We don't realize or we blindly perceive things through altered emotions; that these children do become adults, and how we treat them may make or break who they are forever. 

    To be honest all I really wanted was to be loved; to be appreciated and cared for, to be wanted and accepted. The last straw for me was when I told my father that my twins had died. Mind you I haven't spoken to my father in YEARS; and the only reason he had gotten in contact with me was because he found out that my ex was pregnant, through a Facebook post she tagged me in with the pregnancy stick. One thing about my father is he has NEVER liked to be left out of things. Especially since my fathers side of the family seemed to know about this and he didn't. He's the one who contacted me; and I said to myself that even though he was a deadbeat father to my sisters and I, maybe he could be an even better grandfather to my children. I promised I wouldn't even utter to them about how much of horrible parent he was, just so these children could love him without prejudices of how he treated me. But all that changed when I called him over the phone and told him that the twins had died. All he said was "oh wow, really?" He then told me he would call me back and I NEVER heard from him again, and that was nearly two and half years ago. 

    About a few months later my father had a heart attack and was literally in the hospital across the street from where I live. I didnt even go see him, and as bad as this may be I didn't and still don't care. Parts of me feels like my father was let off easy just receiving a heart attack because he could heal from that. Meanwhile I've carried certain emotional and psychological baggage my whole life because of him. I still have severe trust issues because of this man. Yet I'm suppose to feel bad because he had a heart attack? Yes, I do honestly...However, we reap what we sow. Nothing we do goes unpunished by karma. You can't live your life harming others and altering their lives negatively and believe you'll still prosper. My father at the time was a police officer and gave my mother hell when they were married. Though he may have never beat my mother he verbally and psychologically abused her. Treated her bad and even cheated on her to the point of getting that woman pregnant with my sister I hardly even know. My mother was fully committed and loyal to a man who wasn't ever deserving of a piece of who she is. A remarkable, genuine, loving, caring, loyal, honest woman. 

    Is it wrong that I just want to be with a woman who loves me with all her heart? A woman who will never lie to me or betray me. Someone that I could build my life with and grow old together. A woman that I can have children with and marry. The type of love that would last an eternity and countless lifetimes. I want to be able to look her in the eyes everyday and know that her love is everlasting for me and my love is everlasting for her. There is NOTHING wrong with a man showing his emotions, it shows he's not only a man but a person with heart. My sisters have made me realize that a REAL MAN can still be fearless but be loving and show his emotions. Society has bred men to believe that he isn't a man if he cries or shows affection. That it makes him weak or invaluable if he shows love or compassion. But it is up to us to change that way of thinking, and realize that there is nothing wrong with any of that. Embrace who you are even if others don't accept it. 

   You can't be who you are fully without committing to being happy. Yea life can be tough at times, and yes there will be times when you're down or feel alone. But always remember that you're worth it, that you're important and you mean something. Realize that you're more then enough and that anyone's life you're in will make them a better person. Love yourself and even forgive yourself, don't dwell so much on what was but rather what is and what will be. You can never undo what what was done but you can do what needs to be done. Never lose track of your importance and always wear it like a banner. Lastly, Forgiveness is the next step into ushering a new utopia of happiness. Never lose sight of that and keep it embedded deep within yourself. Life's best lesson is to be happy even when it is a beautiful nightmare. Remember that even in the midst of chaos, your life shines bright to a beautiful tomorrow....Today!

Black Rose, in a Chaotic Wonderland

  I just want to me more, more then I thought I could ever be. Someone that I can be proud of. I take pride in the side that I show the world when I'm facing it. Everyday I feel like I fight to be respected. I'm tested, by my own people because I'm not even Black enough to be Black. I'm tested by White people that show me no matter how much my hue may be "light" I'll never be good enough to be white. And honestly I don't want be, you see because the king in me is Proud to be Black, and would not change it no matter how ugly the world makes me feel  for being it. 

  I am the Richest; Most Powerful, Influential Man the world has ever known. And the reason why the rest of this world hasn't seen it yet is because deep down I feel like I'll fail. And not because I will;  and not because I have, but because I realize that it's bigger then just me. I believe for those who are afraid to believe in something. I carry the burden of a Billion lashed Slaves who saw this day coming; when I could write freely and not worry about the consequences of wanting to be free, in a world where corruption wants me to be a mental slave. And though I have no shackles, I'm still just another nigger in the eyes of the world. That is my truth whether you believe it or not, and the news shows how much of an endangered species I'm becoming.

  How I can be gunned down by someone that my tax dollars pays for to "keep the peace". But how is it peace when I can't even just be...Be a man that just wants the best for himself and his family. Be a Man that enjoys his life; that has a future wife, and some kids that he loves and loves him back dearly. I just want to be the father to children, that love them more then my own father loved me. I want to be the grandfather my grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be proud of. Where I earned the right to be the example of what the world is really scared of about Black men...OUR GREATNESS! 

  I don't want to just be great for me, but for them. Do you know how hard it is to live in a world where people steal from you, steal your culture and then rename it and make it their own? For people to want the perks of being Black; but Black Lives only matter when it's taking their money to help people build homes, and properties and lands that they won't even be able to afford, because the system is intentionally rigged to make them fail? My soul cries seeing how the judicial system is only big business to keep Black Men as modern day slaves. Having us all in shackles; touching family through a two sided glass, knowing you may never see them again. Putting us in communities that the people in power have intentionally made difficult for Black People to excel in. Then mark us as criminals when we sell drugs to our community, but they're the ones who put it there in the first place. It's funny how people always say "lady justice" but always forget about the fact that that scale was NEVER meant to be in OUR favor to begin with. 

  Where's the justice when there are little girls and boys barely out of elementary school being slaughtered just for being Black? Where is that justice when Black Women; who are the most powerful beings GOD has ever blessed us with, are being assassinated by the police in custody for crimes they didn't even commit? Where is the justice when Black men are put in prison for most of their lives, only to later find out he never committed the crime in the first place? I ask; where is the justice when a young white male can rape a girl, get only less then 3 months in prison, then still get time served because "prison would be too harsh for him"? 

  Yet this world has the audacity to say "ALL MEN CREATED EQUALLY"? Equal how? You mean 3/5th of a man equal? You mean Jim Crow and Rockerfeller Drug Law equal? You mean clutch your purse when you see me equal? I have yet to benefit from any type of reparation; yet everyone else who isn't Black has received one, yet I'm equal? It's sad when you have to have "the talk" with your children, and the conversation has everything to do with survival and not being murdered by the police. How can you ever make me feel equal when most of the people being murdered are Black Men, Women and even our children?  It hurts, and that pain runs deeper then the abyss. These are the thoughts I have in my head; the constant battle of the brain, yet I STILL BELIEVE! 

   I believe for those ancestors of my past who paved the way for me. Believe for the future me that knows that he has to believe, because who else will believe in US if WE don't?  I'm not just some nigger; I'm a man, more then 3/5th of one. I'm the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm the brighter future in the midst of all the chaos. I am the success story when the world tried to write me off. And I WILL SUCCEED; because I believe my purpose is far beyond riches and wealth, but the preservation of a future many slaves fought so hard for me to have. I owe it to them and to myself, because I don't have the luxury to quit. Believe even no one else believes, then achieving will be the easy part....

(BELIEVE) (IN) (YOU)R DREAMS!

     This is just something to encourage those that need it. For the people that have lost all hope for each and everything in their lives. This is for the people who dream big, and feel like things aren't coming along the way they wanted them to. Lets be honest, life can be VERY hard and difficult to get through sometimes. Of course you're alive and people tell you not to complain because things could always be worse, but that doesn't erase the fact that you want things to change. It doesn't change the fact that you may feel like things will never work in your favor, and you're just tired of failures and disappointments. You're feeling alone, and in your mind there is no one that is going through what you are. 

     I'm here to say that there is a host of individuals out in this world dealing with the same issues you may be going through. As big as this world is someone at this very moment wants change, and what you may not realize is their situation is much more difficult then your own. Now this doesn't negate how you feel, or mean you don't have the right to be frustrated or upset. I'm just saying keep moving forward and trying your very best, no matter how you're feeling or what everyone else thinks. The people we admire the most or aspire to be like, didn't get to where they are by feeling sorry for themselves, or give into a defeated mentality. They gave every inch of their very being until they couldn't give anymore.

      Life was never meant to be easy, if it was then there would be no such thing as success stories. We couldn't inspire anyone else to be better, because we would all have everything in our lives together. But since that's definitely not the case; it's your job to not only keep trying, but to encourage yourself. Appreciate who you see in the mirror, love them, and support them even when no one else will. I guarantee that once you do that internally, externally you'll pour out what you believe. Success wasn't built overnight, so don't expect it to happen that way. Instead keep trying, even when you're worried and want to give in. Just believe in your dreams, and everyone else will follow suit and believe in them also. Remember there is no such thing as a loser, there is only such a person who lost momentarily to go back and win the next time.

THE BLACK SON RISE

   Who do I go to when I have my moments of being vulnerable? Feeling like things aren't sorting out the way I want them to, even when I pray and attempt to be as optimistic as possible. I already know that life isn't always smiles and giggles, but it has to be way more then what I'm getting now. I look at people around me who do nothing but evil and they get EVERYTHING. It appears like they live a carefree life full of happiness and prosperity while I seem to work hard for nothing. I honestly want to give up constantly because it seems like there's just no use in trying. The more trying I endeavor to do it seems like I fall deeper into my own abyss of sorrows and pain. I have the option to either keep on trying or just give up right then and there. But is giving up the easier part or is it the part of sticking with it the hardest?

   Most people will NEVER understand how it feels to be a Black Male in America unless you are one already. It doesn't matter whether you're successful, or not. When people see you you're already placed in a box of failure, drugs, violence, incarceration or being a dead beat father. What's even more sad is the fact that all of these situations have plagued the African American community seemingly forever. You turn on the television, read it in news paper, even by word of mouth you hear something about someone you know having been apart of each situation. It saddens me to know that people give up on black males like there's just no hope for US. 

   Then again, just because you have fallen deep into any or every one of those situations, it doesn't mean the end. I believe that God places us in certain situations to not only prove we can endure, but to show others it can be done. I believe that individuals find it a lot easier to judge and categorize people instead of giving them a sense of hope. A part of me doesn't believe that black males who face those issues constantly want to be where they are. I believe fear and even settling causes them to be where they are, but it isn't anyone else's place to judge. The reason I can express it the way that I have is because I am a Black Man, and I feel like God has the FINAL say in where anyone winds up going in life. Society has no right to give anyone an eternal mark, but they do it anyway.

    I think that after awhile it's human nature to judge people. It becomes the very fabric of an individuals being sometimes. However, statistics don't automatically mean failure unless you take it on internally. We have the capability to change ANYTHING if we believe within ourselves it can be changed. People should base individuals individually but they don't, and why is that? I believe; because deep down inside, they themselves are facing their own demons they constantly battle. Life is an ever changing situation, which means that people can change also. 

   Just like there are failures, there are situations of success and triumphs. I believe you have to dig deep within yourself and encourage yourself even if others don't. You MUST face life, and you don't always have to accept things for what they are either. Just as certain as the moon will rise when night falls, there's a chance for a brighter tomorrow. Believe when no one else does and achieve because it's your God given right to do so. There's a reason why God called us sons, because we have just as much power to change this world and rise to the pinnacle as the Sun rises in the morning.