Fearing Paradise

   What is Paradise? Is it just that place away from home where we seek happiness? The place where we can run away from everything and everyone? Or is it just a figment of our imagination; deep down in our psyche where we believe we're suppose to be? Wherever that place you call paradise lies; go to it. Run to it, and believe in it even if everyone else around you believes it's just an imagination. Because honestly we all at some point seem to be afraid of that place where comfort lies. But can you get through the darkness that seems ever present, even when you believe it's light at the end of that tunnel?

    It's hard to believe in something that you can't even see with your eyes, even if you had 20/20 vision. We seem to fear the unknown because it's something foreign to us. Its not the norm because it is something we have never actually done before. It's almost like going on an adventure and not knowing where you'll end up because of what you're use to happening. Honestly I fear the way people view me. Sometimes I feel like I'm so different that those around me will never really understand me. At times I feel like I'm an alien and the world I live in is not even where I'm suppose to be.

    People are just so judgmental and won't know anything about you, but will sit and criticize you without even knowing what you walk is. How much you had to sacrifice in your life to get exactly where you want to be. The nights of being alone, not having anyone to just hold you close and tell you everything will be alright. Not having a father to teach you how to be a man because he didn't know his father. Having sisters that you want to give the world to but realizing that you are their brother and NOT their father. That's only partly MY WALK.

   BUT instead you know what people see when they they look at me? A person who thinks he's better then everyone else because he doesn't care to be accepted by people who seem more broken then he is; but they're too afraid of their own greatness. They see a person who is complex; when in fact I'm just someone trying to guard my heart. Wanting to Love a woman, but being afraid because she may hurt me because of her own broken dreams never fulfilled. Being in the corner of other people and making them better but when I'm in need of that same kind of lift up I'm alone...Almost like a lone wolf with no support behind me. Wanting to be able to have a woman that just understands what I feel even if I don't utter a word. Just embracing me close to her heart because she knows that though I may be broken I am far from weak.

    So where is my paradise? I guess I know what it is; as a matter of fact I do know. My paradise lies in breaking away from what the "norm" is. Being able to help someone else understand what their purpose is through my own struggles. We don't just live life for ourselves; though we want to act like we do. You ever did something and felt like there was way more to what you were suppose to fulfil? Like you were on the brink of something but couldn't muster up the courage to do it? Honestly that's exactly where I am in my life. I'm only 24 years old but I feel like I am here to fulfil extraordinary things in my life. And not just for myself and family but for those who believe what I do, but are too afraid to just fly...

   I look at an Eagle; how it flys so gracefully through the sky like a shooting star. I'm sure at some time in its life it was fearful of flying, but it did anyway. Not because it couldn't, but because it didn't know where it should start. But that Eagle just spread its wings and soared the sky. And that Eagle may have not known where it was going to wind up but he kept on going, until he traveled the world. He saw things that he would have never been able to see if he didn't just spread his wings and soar through the sky. And you know what? We're just like that eagle honestly. You can't allow yourself to not go where you want to because you're not sure where you'll end up.

    I told someone I care about recently that you can't want what's best for everyone else; and want those around you to be happy and fulfilled if you yourself aren't doing the same. Then I had to look at myself; and say how could I even say this to her if I myself aren't dong it? We all at some time seem to fear paradise; but why? Why fear something that has the capability to change your life for the better? To paint a permanent smile on your face because you're at ease knowing that you made the best decision possible. It's not much of a life you're living just staying complacent because its safe to stay where you are. Sometimes we're not always given another opportunity to soar as high as we're suppose to.

   To be honest with you I didn't realize certain things about myself until I had someone say to me " Derrick I wish that you could show others what I see". That triggered something within me because even now as I write all I am I'm pouring out some dark corners in my life I didn't want others to see; or even read. But since I'll be judged regardless I'd rather just be myself. Be as plain and naked because it's who I am. And I may not be wealthy; or have everything I desire right now, but I will. I believe this wholeheartedly; and you know what? It WILL happen.

  Life is like a Ferris wheel; and around and around we go; but that's not how it has to be though. Do what makes you happy and not just what you feel is right to do. So where does your paradise lie? Wherever it is go to it and try your best to do everything that will make you happy. There will definitely be ups and downs, hurt and pain. But you truly begin to appreciate something when you knew what you had to do to receive it. Hold on to your dreams; and give them wings to soar higher then an Eagle. When you fathom that concept you'll truly understand that there is no real reason that you're Fearing Paradise....

What Now?

    It's interesting how we all seem to believe we know what our purpose truly is. What it is that we want to accomplish; and what it is we're destined for. Who we truly are and whom we are; and how we can bring forth all of that from within. Sounds easy right? Just that simple, knowing what we want to do with our lives and just doing it. But life was NEVER just that simple; it's not really just as simple as Black and White or having gray areas inbetween. You've got certain crosswords to get through; challenging situations that must be faced in order to truly appreciate what you're meant to do.

    I remember when I sat here and had my life planned out; ever since I was little I had an idea of what it was I wanted to do. I've seen myself as a businessman, a Mogul; an individual with immense influence and wealth. Being an international, Global phenomenon with the type of resources to help my family and I forever. Then as I got older I began to realize that it was more to life then just that alone. Yes, I still want to be all of that; but I want even more, and I don't mean just for myself and family but for as many individuals as possible.

    I've come to realize that in order to truly prosper the way you deserve is to give. And I don't mean just resources; what I'm talking about is a little more complex then that. It's the giving of yourself...When you give freely and wholeheartedly of yourself for the right reasons I believe you become blessed. Blessed in the sense of the spiritual aspect as well as karma. Whatever it is that you place into the atmosphere; good or bad always bounces back to you. At least that's what I believe.

   I remember when I had no job; I was a man who was about 23 years old; going on to be 24 with an open mind and no money. I felt like nothing, like I was a failure and I had nothing to offer. I had a friend of mine who worked at Apple who even put the word in for me to work there. Being optimistic I dressed my best and went there. I got through the first interview and the Human Resources Manager was impressed with me. Let's just say I was guaranteed to have a second interview. About a week later I was called into the Apple Store on 5th Avenue; EVERYONE was not only mean to me but standoffish. From what I remember the only one who was nice was a security guard; he said he felt I would get it. So I stayed optimistic.

     I met with one of the managers of the store that was going to interview me. I felt like I said everything right; and she asked me where did I see myself in the next 3-5 years? My answer was owning my own businesses. Now I don't know if that was the right answer but it was the truth. Needless to say about 3 days later I got one of those "thanks but no thanks emails". Not only was I crushed but it caused me to feel even more worthless and an even bigger failure. I even went for my Security guard certifications and got them, but I didn't want a security job honestly. The last resort was me sending an email to an old company I worked for back in 2009 called Ricky's NYC. A New York City based company that started in 1989 by a man named Ricky Keing.

   Fast forwarding a week; I met with a Human Resources Manager there, and again was myself. And I got the job and was called in to be placed in a store and worked that summer in July 2012. I started as a Sales Associate, learning everything and giving my very all whenever I was there. I even stayed later if I needed to. Literally in September 2012 I was asked to be an Assistant Manager and was promoted. It is now April 2013 and now I'm going for a Store Manager position within this company.

    I explained all of that to say that whatever is meant for you will happen. I STILL will be a businessman and Mogul VERY soon; and I plan on talking about that too when that time comes. I've always felt you MUST "Aspire to Inspire". I've met so many individuals within this company that will be life long friends; and even business partners when I go off and build companies myself. My Aunt Stephanie always says "Small Small", which means little by little things will form into what they're suppose to. Rome wasn't built in a day and Legacies don't have to be either.

  So the question of the hour is "What now"? We believe we have to have it all figured out at this moment to feel like we've accomplished something. The best way to explain life is like a Gigantic tree. It literally takes a tree at least 100 years to stand tall and strong. And even if we don't have the opportunity to see what it forms into it will be something great. We ALL are just as great as that tree is. We may not have 100 years to form into something, but the time we do have is just as good. Give without seeking validation from anyone, and strive to the highest pinnacle even when others say it's impossible to be reached. The only true limitation we have is ourselves. WE control where we should be and how far we should go.

    Still want to know what now? Just know this much; believe what can't be seen, so when it becomes tangible you'll then realize that all it truly took to become a reality was believing. There is no such thing as something that can't be done; just as long as you keep on going until you can't anymore. Remember "A man isn't judged or congratulated on the success or merits of others; but for his own actions and merits he chooses to commit for himself". We all have a purpose; we just have to give them feet to travel....

You're Someone Else's

How can I care for you when you're someone else's, we laugh and talk about the day we can be together; but you're someone else's. Your smile as bright as the sun shining on a day brand new, and your laugh that lights up a dim lit room, but you're someone else's. You're someone else's and I'm fine with that, no pressure or feelings there because you're someone else's; but I know deep down this is wrong, is it bad I don't care? And all I can think about is the next moment you and I can be together as we gaze in each others eyes like two kids in love; but the fact still remains that you're someone else's. A secret that you and I share; no one else even knows but God himself, but you don't care and I don't care that you're someone else's...But the truth is we should, even though I'm enjoying myself and enjoying you too. Knowing I can make you say and do things that he can't. Bring you to plateaus you thought weren't even possible to reach. The fact I can make you moan and scream is like music to my ears; but...it's...still...wrong. This is like a game and I'm winning; but truthfullly I should be ashamed, because you're someone else's....

The Beauty Of Your Soul

I yearn for your touch, to be close to you; I find myself lost while I'm in your presence. You make me feel alive, and when I'm sleep I dream of the moment to be around you again. If this is how nostalgia feels; this is one high moment I refuse to not remember. Your beauty is as radiant as the night sky is when the stars dance across the milky way. Your lips are as soft as petals of a red rose. And when you smile it is as though God is reassuring me that you are a blessing from the Heavens above. Each curve on your body seems like you were crafted just for me; to hold you close to my heart forever. And I would never want to see you cry; but only if those tears were filled with joy. The rhythm of your heartbeat as I lay on your chest sounds like a symphony to your soul. Two becoming one like lovers on the night they were married. I could not live without your love; you are my drug, and I don't ever want to be without it. I want to be alone with you forever, together; knowing that this love is as pure as a mother who loves her child.  I don't know what tomorrow may bring; but today I know what love really feels like. And the beauty of your soul enticed the very man who thought he could love no more...Me.

Why I Love You

It's interesting how the night sky is the only thing that sets us seemingly worlds apart. The Love I have for you is like a permanent fragrance smeared across the very essence of my soul. Kind of like a tattoo meticulously placed on the body of an individual who was branded to appease those he calls friends. But you and I are more familiar then that; see I know you like a husband knows the birth mark of his wife, that can't be seen by the naked eye unless she is naked. And that's how I feel each time I allow myself to be vulnerable with you...naked. Almost like the first time you lose your virginity to the one you love more then life itself but they; they just love you for that moment. Two became one, well at least on my end it was. But you, you weren't looking for love at all. You were looking for a convenience and I was convenient for the moment. I loved; or at least I thought I did, but I do. And I'm that undecided because you. I wish you weren't so difficult; that you were as consistent as the next day. At least then I would know what to expect. I don't believe my love would ever die like the eternal flame of passion I set aside specifically for you in my heart. If home is where the heart is then I'm comfortable knowing I live with this love forever. And even then forever isn't enough to express why I love you...

Purpose before Expiration

     As I sit here; trapped in my own thoughts, thinking about my life and the people in it, I wonder what my true purpose is? Why do we love, and what is our true destination after life; when we are already almost dead. It's crazy how we already have an expiration date once we are born. From the womb to the tomb is what people say, but what about the time in between? I think about all that I have lost in my life, the people I thought would always be there, and the grandmother who recently died from cancer. Sometimes I feel like God doesn't care about my family and I. I ask myself why we have to suffer? However, suffering is the reassuring factor that we all have to face no matter who we are. It's one of those things each of us have to deal with, just like life and death.

      The last days of my grandmother's life I sat and thought about her life. All that she gave to my sisters, cousins and myself. The wisdom she poured out to us, the love she gave, and her smile. Maybe I'm selfish be because I didn't want her to die. She lived 92 years of her life giving her all to everybody else. She was a mother of four daughters she taught to be Queens, a wife who was loyal to her husband, a daughter who loved her mother deeply, a sister who would give anything to her sibling, and an educator who taught for over 25 years. My grandmother was a fighter and a true definition of what a woman of elegance is suppose to be.

     I always liked to hear my grandmother tell me stories about her life in South Carolina, and her migration to New York City. One thing my grandmother always told me was give. Give your all and NEVER give up or give into what other people think about you. At the age of 48 she went back to school and graduated from college. after that she went to teach in the New York City public school system for the next 25 years. My grandmother changed lives and she did it with dignity. How could I not lead with that kind of leadership in front of me?

  The funny thing is her journey as a teacher ended once she was told I was on the way. She stayed home to help my mother with her pregnancy. The sad part was there were complications; the doctor told my mother I was set to die and I wouldn't make it....and here I am. My mother and father were married for years, and he was a policemen. He provided for my mother, sisters and I; but he was physically abusive to my sisters and me. He was abusive to me the most, I guess it was because he never even knew his own father. He had to be a father and a brother to his own siblings. He didn't even have the opportunity to have a real childhood. I guess I was his way to get his anger out on. That broke me down honestly, and it caused me to stutter and be be shy. Little did I know that would make me the man I am now.

   I've expressed just a portion of my life; to remind you that we all do have an expiration date, but YOU hold the power to what people will say about you in your obituary. I honestly feel like we live life not for ourselves, but to be an example to someone else. My grandmother showed me a lot while she was here, she was the blueprint. A blueprint that gave me the opportunity to realize that nothing in life is unattainable. If you never take chances you'll never know what could be, but instead ask yourself what could have been. Living with regrets isn't a life worth living, instead live without regret.

   This world is as cold as a bitter winter in the Artic. It can be unforgiving, but you must always have a level of forgiveness of the heart. What I mean by that is realize that nothing in the world we go through happens in vain. There is a bigger picture and its up to us the finish that painting. Believe because without that there is no hope. Hope that at some point there is light at the tunnel of the seemingly endless darkness you seem to be facing. I posed a question to myself earlier about what my purpose is, and how I will know what it is. Honestly my best asnwer is you just know...It is the voice in us all we don't listen to but know it's right.

   fight for what you desere, even if you have to have an internal battle with yourself to get to it. Purpose has a whole new importance once you realize that you are the blueprint to help someone else get through life. I'll leave you with something my grandmother use to always say to me when I was little. "Never close your hand to give, because a hand that is closed not only can't give, but can't receive." Remember; Our life is like a never ending movie and we are the main characters. We deal with drama, have the capacity to love and deal with many horrors; but how we act determines the end of our movie. Now what will everyone say about yours?

A Permanent resident in my Heart

Words can't explain how I feel
In due time I hope these wounds heal
I still can't believe that you're gone
I don't want to believe that you're gone.
I wish this was just a nightmare
That my heart wasn't filled with dispair
That I'd wake up and this be a dream
And that this wasn't what it seemed
You're not here, but I honor your life
No longer suffering with misery or strife
The strongest woman I know
But God deemed it time for you to go
Grandma you taught me a lot,
and I'm sure God saved you a spot...
In heaven; where you deserve to thrive
You blessed this world when you were alive
I'll miss the way we laugh and joke
And those wise words of wisdom you spoke
It's not easy for me to say Good Bye
And honestly I don't want to try
So instead I'll say; I'll see you later, because I have much to give
But in my heart and mind you will ALWAYS Live.

I Love you Grammy, you will truly be missed...Rest in Paradise