The Stranger that Lies In The Mirror

     It's interesting how a person can make you look at life in a whole new perspective. Like everything you ever thought of wasn't right in the first place. The fact that someone has so much power with your thoughts and emotions already says exactly how "Fond" of that person you are. How every waking moment you want to be around that person. Each thought that crosses your mind has them there; and you know what? You're more then fine with that. More and more you two spend time with each other; pouring out all those secrets, that only you and God know about. Not even caring that you're falling because you have a blanket of support, which is that bond you two share. This unique bond that in your mind will last forever. Not even caring how others view you or what others want from you because you've gotten accustomed to this person. You know each and every one of their needs, wants, and desires, and you're more then willing to fulfil them. Doing all these different things for this person that's way out of your element. And why? Because they bring things out of you that you didn't even knew dwell within you.

  Hours on the phone until the sun comes up; you two just enjoying one anothers presence. Things become intimate and now deeper feelings begin to grow. This scares you because you have NEVER felt these feelings before. Then again you have never allowed yourself to until now because they made you comfortable enough to be "the real you". The you that less then a selected few have had the opportunity to see. The you that you refused to show others because you feel they are none deserving of that. How is it that this person was able to get through to the thing you hold closest to you...your heart! Then you realize you have not one specific answer to give yourself because this you that you see you don't know. Basically it's like you are looking in the mirror at a stranger.

   You are confused now because you're doing everything you said you wouldn't do. You're saying all the things you thought sounded foolish coming from other people's mouth. Deeper and deeper your feelings grow, nearly becoming like a bottomless pit. Then something happens; something unexpected...Now those thoughts of forever turn to "I can't wait until you leave". This person sickens you now and they make you angry. The very thought of them churns your stomach, but you still care for them. The walls you broke to let them in have now been replaced with a barbed-wire fence. You use to talk everyday and now you are comfortable enough hearing from them once in awhile. Now when you speak you throw up what you've done and how much you've given. That same effort you use to give is no more because you already have them.

   Those very same qualities you use to appreciate about them now annoy you. You feel smothered and argue about how you need your space and time for yourself. It gets to a point where all you two do is argue; and now you both need space. During the space you give yourself time to re-evaluate if this is what you ever really wanted in the first place. You  begin to second guess whether or not all those feelings you felt originally were even genuine; if maybe you were just caught up in a nostalgic moment. Was it that dopamine had you hooked to that person? Was it even real? These are the questions you begin to ask yourself. You both come to the conclusion it's best you part your separate ways; and just like that it's over...

   Do mirrors lie or do we lie to ourselves to appease the fact that we don't want to come to grips with the truth? Sometimes the lie feels better then the truth because at that moment you aren't hurting. You have already made yourself believe this lie you are telling because it's much easier to cope with. I said all that to say that we don't want to believe that at some time in life that person we believe we can't live without may be the person later on we can't stand to be around. I am not saying that this will always happen, but realize that sometimes your "forever" with that one you hold in such high esteem may be short lived. I feel like it is OUR job as two people in a committed relationship; (non-traditional or traditional) to continue to build. Everything is NOT suppose to lessen once you find yourselves in something committed. That honeymoon stage should always stay in full affect, and it should be that same care and emotions you had when you two first met.

    Realistically in some aspects things may not be the same, but it's the job of BOTH people to make it work. Just like Rome wasn't built in a day; an unbreakable relationship takes time. Be understanding that NO ONE is perfect and we all have room to grow and change. Be sure that you two are on the same page and want the same things. Two people can never truly stay together if there isn't a mutal understanding from both individuals. Love, like and be with whomever you want to; do whatever is going to make you truly happy. Sometimes we forget that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but in fact two people perfect for one another within that foundation you call a relationship.Remember this; at times a relationship can be like a storm, sometimes there may be gray skys and heavy rain, but all storms pass to allow the sun to shine again. Always remember that it takes TWO to make something work...

Our Imperfect Perfection

Can we just be together forever; grow old and potentially fall in Love? Just let the past be the past and let the bright future we have weed out anything dark. My fear isn't that I'll lose you, but fall so deep for you that not one expression will be able to define my feelings for you. Whenever I look at you I get lost in your eyes. You look back at me and I realize at that moment nothing else matters because I'm with you...Everything I say at this moment is only a reflection of all that I feel for you. I'll let my words be the mirror; showing you those emotions unseen by the naked eye. I promise that I can be the man you trust if you allow me to be. I know I'm not perfect and I honestly don't want to be; but I know we are perfect together. Your smile warms me even when this world gives me the cold shoulder. You listen attentively to what I tell you, lending an ear when I feel like no one else cares. But you; I know you care. I feel like I've known you all my life, like we were two distant lovers in another lifetime. And whether or not you say you Love me, at some point and time I know there is something there. I take you for who you are and not for who you were. Started off as friends yet close to lovers; emotions got involved and our true feelings arose. And I don't want to lose what we have, so before we say or do something we regret let's rewind what happened and move past it. So let's focus on what's going to make what we have last beyond forever. Grow old and have kids and still feel the spark that we had when we crossed paths years earlier. The Good, the bad and ugly; I accept you for who you are and want to potentially Love you for it. If I had to go through all that I have all over again I would; just knowing I'll have the opportunity to have a woman as beautiful, caring and sincere as you are in my life again.

Fearing Paradise

   What is Paradise? Is it just that place away from home where we seek happiness? The place where we can run away from everything and everyone? Or is it just a figment of our imagination; deep down in our psyche where we believe we're suppose to be? Wherever that place you call paradise lies; go to it. Run to it, and believe in it even if everyone else around you believes it's just an imagination. Because honestly we all at some point seem to be afraid of that place where comfort lies. But can you get through the darkness that seems ever present, even when you believe it's light at the end of that tunnel?

    It's hard to believe in something that you can't even see with your eyes, even if you had 20/20 vision. We seem to fear the unknown because it's something foreign to us. Its not the norm because it is something we have never actually done before. It's almost like going on an adventure and not knowing where you'll end up because of what you're use to happening. Honestly I fear the way people view me. Sometimes I feel like I'm so different that those around me will never really understand me. At times I feel like I'm an alien and the world I live in is not even where I'm suppose to be.

    People are just so judgmental and won't know anything about you, but will sit and criticize you without even knowing what you walk is. How much you had to sacrifice in your life to get exactly where you want to be. The nights of being alone, not having anyone to just hold you close and tell you everything will be alright. Not having a father to teach you how to be a man because he didn't know his father. Having sisters that you want to give the world to but realizing that you are their brother and NOT their father. That's only partly MY WALK.

   BUT instead you know what people see when they they look at me? A person who thinks he's better then everyone else because he doesn't care to be accepted by people who seem more broken then he is; but they're too afraid of their own greatness. They see a person who is complex; when in fact I'm just someone trying to guard my heart. Wanting to Love a woman, but being afraid because she may hurt me because of her own broken dreams never fulfilled. Being in the corner of other people and making them better but when I'm in need of that same kind of lift up I'm alone...Almost like a lone wolf with no support behind me. Wanting to be able to have a woman that just understands what I feel even if I don't utter a word. Just embracing me close to her heart because she knows that though I may be broken I am far from weak.

    So where is my paradise? I guess I know what it is; as a matter of fact I do know. My paradise lies in breaking away from what the "norm" is. Being able to help someone else understand what their purpose is through my own struggles. We don't just live life for ourselves; though we want to act like we do. You ever did something and felt like there was way more to what you were suppose to fulfil? Like you were on the brink of something but couldn't muster up the courage to do it? Honestly that's exactly where I am in my life. I'm only 24 years old but I feel like I am here to fulfil extraordinary things in my life. And not just for myself and family but for those who believe what I do, but are too afraid to just fly...

   I look at an Eagle; how it flys so gracefully through the sky like a shooting star. I'm sure at some time in its life it was fearful of flying, but it did anyway. Not because it couldn't, but because it didn't know where it should start. But that Eagle just spread its wings and soared the sky. And that Eagle may have not known where it was going to wind up but he kept on going, until he traveled the world. He saw things that he would have never been able to see if he didn't just spread his wings and soar through the sky. And you know what? We're just like that eagle honestly. You can't allow yourself to not go where you want to because you're not sure where you'll end up.

    I told someone I care about recently that you can't want what's best for everyone else; and want those around you to be happy and fulfilled if you yourself aren't doing the same. Then I had to look at myself; and say how could I even say this to her if I myself aren't dong it? We all at some time seem to fear paradise; but why? Why fear something that has the capability to change your life for the better? To paint a permanent smile on your face because you're at ease knowing that you made the best decision possible. It's not much of a life you're living just staying complacent because its safe to stay where you are. Sometimes we're not always given another opportunity to soar as high as we're suppose to.

   To be honest with you I didn't realize certain things about myself until I had someone say to me " Derrick I wish that you could show others what I see". That triggered something within me because even now as I write all I am I'm pouring out some dark corners in my life I didn't want others to see; or even read. But since I'll be judged regardless I'd rather just be myself. Be as plain and naked because it's who I am. And I may not be wealthy; or have everything I desire right now, but I will. I believe this wholeheartedly; and you know what? It WILL happen.

  Life is like a Ferris wheel; and around and around we go; but that's not how it has to be though. Do what makes you happy and not just what you feel is right to do. So where does your paradise lie? Wherever it is go to it and try your best to do everything that will make you happy. There will definitely be ups and downs, hurt and pain. But you truly begin to appreciate something when you knew what you had to do to receive it. Hold on to your dreams; and give them wings to soar higher then an Eagle. When you fathom that concept you'll truly understand that there is no real reason that you're Fearing Paradise....

What Now?

    It's interesting how we all seem to believe we know what our purpose truly is. What it is that we want to accomplish; and what it is we're destined for. Who we truly are and whom we are; and how we can bring forth all of that from within. Sounds easy right? Just that simple, knowing what we want to do with our lives and just doing it. But life was NEVER just that simple; it's not really just as simple as Black and White or having gray areas inbetween. You've got certain crosswords to get through; challenging situations that must be faced in order to truly appreciate what you're meant to do.

    I remember when I sat here and had my life planned out; ever since I was little I had an idea of what it was I wanted to do. I've seen myself as a businessman, a Mogul; an individual with immense influence and wealth. Being an international, Global phenomenon with the type of resources to help my family and I forever. Then as I got older I began to realize that it was more to life then just that alone. Yes, I still want to be all of that; but I want even more, and I don't mean just for myself and family but for as many individuals as possible.

    I've come to realize that in order to truly prosper the way you deserve is to give. And I don't mean just resources; what I'm talking about is a little more complex then that. It's the giving of yourself...When you give freely and wholeheartedly of yourself for the right reasons I believe you become blessed. Blessed in the sense of the spiritual aspect as well as karma. Whatever it is that you place into the atmosphere; good or bad always bounces back to you. At least that's what I believe.

   I remember when I had no job; I was a man who was about 23 years old; going on to be 24 with an open mind and no money. I felt like nothing, like I was a failure and I had nothing to offer. I had a friend of mine who worked at Apple who even put the word in for me to work there. Being optimistic I dressed my best and went there. I got through the first interview and the Human Resources Manager was impressed with me. Let's just say I was guaranteed to have a second interview. About a week later I was called into the Apple Store on 5th Avenue; EVERYONE was not only mean to me but standoffish. From what I remember the only one who was nice was a security guard; he said he felt I would get it. So I stayed optimistic.

     I met with one of the managers of the store that was going to interview me. I felt like I said everything right; and she asked me where did I see myself in the next 3-5 years? My answer was owning my own businesses. Now I don't know if that was the right answer but it was the truth. Needless to say about 3 days later I got one of those "thanks but no thanks emails". Not only was I crushed but it caused me to feel even more worthless and an even bigger failure. I even went for my Security guard certifications and got them, but I didn't want a security job honestly. The last resort was me sending an email to an old company I worked for back in 2009 called Ricky's NYC. A New York City based company that started in 1989 by a man named Ricky Keing.

   Fast forwarding a week; I met with a Human Resources Manager there, and again was myself. And I got the job and was called in to be placed in a store and worked that summer in July 2012. I started as a Sales Associate, learning everything and giving my very all whenever I was there. I even stayed later if I needed to. Literally in September 2012 I was asked to be an Assistant Manager and was promoted. It is now April 2013 and now I'm going for a Store Manager position within this company.

    I explained all of that to say that whatever is meant for you will happen. I STILL will be a businessman and Mogul VERY soon; and I plan on talking about that too when that time comes. I've always felt you MUST "Aspire to Inspire". I've met so many individuals within this company that will be life long friends; and even business partners when I go off and build companies myself. My Aunt Stephanie always says "Small Small", which means little by little things will form into what they're suppose to. Rome wasn't built in a day and Legacies don't have to be either.

  So the question of the hour is "What now"? We believe we have to have it all figured out at this moment to feel like we've accomplished something. The best way to explain life is like a Gigantic tree. It literally takes a tree at least 100 years to stand tall and strong. And even if we don't have the opportunity to see what it forms into it will be something great. We ALL are just as great as that tree is. We may not have 100 years to form into something, but the time we do have is just as good. Give without seeking validation from anyone, and strive to the highest pinnacle even when others say it's impossible to be reached. The only true limitation we have is ourselves. WE control where we should be and how far we should go.

    Still want to know what now? Just know this much; believe what can't be seen, so when it becomes tangible you'll then realize that all it truly took to become a reality was believing. There is no such thing as something that can't be done; just as long as you keep on going until you can't anymore. Remember "A man isn't judged or congratulated on the success or merits of others; but for his own actions and merits he chooses to commit for himself". We all have a purpose; we just have to give them feet to travel....

You're Someone Else's

How can I care for you when you're someone else's, we laugh and talk about the day we can be together; but you're someone else's. Your smile as bright as the sun shining on a day brand new, and your laugh that lights up a dim lit room, but you're someone else's. You're someone else's and I'm fine with that, no pressure or feelings there because you're someone else's; but I know deep down this is wrong, is it bad I don't care? And all I can think about is the next moment you and I can be together as we gaze in each others eyes like two kids in love; but the fact still remains that you're someone else's. A secret that you and I share; no one else even knows but God himself, but you don't care and I don't care that you're someone else's...But the truth is we should, even though I'm enjoying myself and enjoying you too. Knowing I can make you say and do things that he can't. Bring you to plateaus you thought weren't even possible to reach. The fact I can make you moan and scream is like music to my ears; but...it's...still...wrong. This is like a game and I'm winning; but truthfullly I should be ashamed, because you're someone else's....

The Beauty Of Your Soul

I yearn for your touch, to be close to you; I find myself lost while I'm in your presence. You make me feel alive, and when I'm sleep I dream of the moment to be around you again. If this is how nostalgia feels; this is one high moment I refuse to not remember. Your beauty is as radiant as the night sky is when the stars dance across the milky way. Your lips are as soft as petals of a red rose. And when you smile it is as though God is reassuring me that you are a blessing from the Heavens above. Each curve on your body seems like you were crafted just for me; to hold you close to my heart forever. And I would never want to see you cry; but only if those tears were filled with joy. The rhythm of your heartbeat as I lay on your chest sounds like a symphony to your soul. Two becoming one like lovers on the night they were married. I could not live without your love; you are my drug, and I don't ever want to be without it. I want to be alone with you forever, together; knowing that this love is as pure as a mother who loves her child.  I don't know what tomorrow may bring; but today I know what love really feels like. And the beauty of your soul enticed the very man who thought he could love no more...Me.

Why I Love You

It's interesting how the night sky is the only thing that sets us seemingly worlds apart. The Love I have for you is like a permanent fragrance smeared across the very essence of my soul. Kind of like a tattoo meticulously placed on the body of an individual who was branded to appease those he calls friends. But you and I are more familiar then that; see I know you like a husband knows the birth mark of his wife, that can't be seen by the naked eye unless she is naked. And that's how I feel each time I allow myself to be vulnerable with you...naked. Almost like the first time you lose your virginity to the one you love more then life itself but they; they just love you for that moment. Two became one, well at least on my end it was. But you, you weren't looking for love at all. You were looking for a convenience and I was convenient for the moment. I loved; or at least I thought I did, but I do. And I'm that undecided because you. I wish you weren't so difficult; that you were as consistent as the next day. At least then I would know what to expect. I don't believe my love would ever die like the eternal flame of passion I set aside specifically for you in my heart. If home is where the heart is then I'm comfortable knowing I live with this love forever. And even then forever isn't enough to express why I love you...