Love thy neighbor; but Love thyself FIRST!

   Trapped in my own thoughts, wondering if I can ever amount to the expectations set by those around me. Am I man enough for the woman I have? Am I a good son, brother, nephew, father and friend? It's funny because I've seen myself as this great guy; and in many instances I am, but seeking perfection is impossible when there is no such thing. Trying to be everything to everyone is impossible, especially when you try to please everyone. You can go crazy trying to put a smile on the faces of everybody when nobody cares about your own. I ask myself why do I hold onto people who aren't worth holding on to? Honestly it stems from feeling like people gave up on me In my past, and at times in my present; and I'm quite certain in my future people will give up on me as we'll. Frankly that's life; I'm nowhere near being negative either, it's just a fact. I found myself seeking validation from people with more issues then me and even more broken then myself. It's heartwrenching longing for acceptance from individuals that you'll truly NEVER receive from, no matter how great you may be to them.

   I wanted certain people in my life even when they hurt me; I thought to myself as long as they were there, I was fine with whatever was done to me. But how is that even a way to live, or even a way to force yourself to live? How can you allow ANYONE to do and say things to you they would NEVER allow you to do to them? When you never come to grips with things and continue to make excuses about situations; and never change them, you're only lying to yourself. At some point even lying to yourself becomes second nature, because in your mind, even if deep down you know it won't change; you believe that person will do something different and treat you the way you treat them. How can you give of yourself so freely and accept undeserved pain? Because of Love? Love is an action, an emotion, a word and phrase; a thought we believe we all know, and a feeling we never want to live without. I can't tell you how many times I've lied to myself knowing I never loved myself the way I should have. Self love is the first love we neglect; we seek love of others instead because we believe without the love of another we are nothing. But how can there be a "We" if YOU don't love yourself wholeheartedly?

    When did we get to the point to accept things we know aren't good for us? When did I get to the point of trying to be everything to everyone; trying to save everybody, when I can't even save myself. Why do I hold on? Why should I hold on? The void I try to fill with the longing love and administration from those I care about was unfortunate at times really. I wanted to feel like I was important, that I was needed and desired. It may sound crazy to you but at least I'm honest about that. At least I realize where my actions and thoughts, demeanor and feelings, and persona I gave off stemed from. Who are you to judge? Why should I care what your views of me are? Honestly we seek way too much validation from people who mean us harm. People that should mean nothing to us, but people whom we hold in such high regards and we need not do so. It's embedded in our minds by other people that we NEED to be liked by everybody. That it's important to always be the one that people long for. And even now as I write this and I'm reading it at the same time it makes no damn sense whatsoever. How can you be willing to do whatever it takes for people to accept you, that you lose sight of your own identity? People are so willing to transform every ounce of who they are to themselves to appease others that they are willing to pretend to be someone else to be liked. How can you live that type of life and not find yourself broken? I'm confused about this now but many years earlier I was that person who cared too much about the thoughts of others. It was almost like I was wearing blindfolds everyday of my life; because I was willing to mask my identity that fit who I was, for an identity everyone else thought that I should have. At this point in my life I'm by myself MOST of the time, which was something I've become accustomed to as I've become a man. As a child; up until about nineteen or twenty, I felt like I needed a bunch of people around me. Again feeling like that equated to being important or feeling validated. A plethora of situations definitely showed me that meant nothing. My mother would always say that if I could count on one hand how many people I could expect to be there for me in my life, I was truly blessed. Some situations have strength in numbers, but when it comes to friendships and relationships of all kinds; all that truly matters is who will be there, not how many. That was a truth I had to come to grips with, and I was willing to accept it.

    Seems like life goes by so quickly; It feels like yesterday I just turned twenty-five on June 24th, and I ask myself what did I really accomplish? I thought about that even more when an old classmate and I were conversing. He said to me he felt like he needed to go back to school because he didn't really do all he thought he would have accomplished by now. I started to second guess aspects of my life and asked myself a similar question. Everyone has a different walk in life, we don't have to all do the same things to be successful. I feel like God has prepared me to be one of the top CEO's in the world! To be successful and wealthy but never getting beside myself. True success comes from giving back, not just taking. It was always important to me to place myself around people who are ambitious. The type of people that don't just settle for what everyone else believes success is. That person that will do whatever it takes to excel even when everyone else tries to convince them it can't be done. I use to weigh how successful I wasn't to how success I believed everyone else was (at the time) until I realized my walk in life wasn't everyone else's walk in life and vice versa. The problem with MOST people is we worry way too much about how better off everyone else is then we are, when we should use that same keen sense of vision we have on someone else's success; and apply 1000 times as much on our own. Do you really think the billionaires of this world felt like giving up? Of course they did! But what would have happened if they did? GOD only knows, but they didn't; and they kept going even when everyone else said it wasn't going to happen. 

      Even as I sit here in my room, on my bed in deep thought about my life and all that I have accomplished; I realize that I am still evolving as an individual. I've always taken pride in the fact that I have immense wisdom, intelligence and leadership qualities. I even realize I have the type of personality that is aggressive and I apply myself to the best of my ability to get things done. I even realize that I have immense influence on other people, even if they are what others consider important or those who's authority is higher then my own. Jesus was a man who was a fisherman, he wasn't a King or a senator or a man of "high importance" in the eyes of society at that time; but he was able to do things that seemed impossible by others. I genuinely want whoever is reading this to take a look in the mirror and remind yourself of how great you truly are. That despite how unimportant you may feel or others try to make you feel; you are the most important person in the world, because it's only one of you! That you're unique and different, and those flaws you attack yourself with daily; will be those very same flaws that help other people realize that you're even greater then they wanted to give you credit for. Remember that love of self is the most important love you can have; because when you fall in love with yourself, it will be easier to give love to others. Though it took me quite a few years to finally realize that, I pray my friend that it takes you much sooner to realize importance of SELF LOVE!    

I Hate You?

         I hate you! The way you make me feel and the way that I act because of you. I can't help what I feel and what you make me do without even trying to. The level of extasty that I am able to feel because of you is unimaginable, then in other instances the pain I feel because of you is just too unbearable. But I can't live without you even if I tried my best to, and I'm incomplete without you because you're what makes me who I am. It took me almost seemingly forever to accept you for who you are and what you are able to do to me and for me. At times I feel like you're my poison, while other times I feel like you're my cure to all this hate around me. Why must you be so complicated? Why can't you just leave me alone and let me live life the way I want to without a care in the world? But you're not bad for me; it's just that you confuse me. At times you make me say and do things I don't even mean, while other times I say what I meant temporarily while I regret later on what I expressed. You're like a ticking time bomb; but with time at times you can heal. Sometimes I'm confused because of you while other times I'm more then sure what needs to be done. You're just inconsistent but consistently you're consistent on a constant basis with the things that you do. But is that how the heart should make one feel.......?

Thank you for your Mistakes

       Everyday that I wake up I find myself trying to figure out what it is that I am destined to do. I have a great relationship; my mother and I get along with one another so much better then we use to, I have a great job that I have enough money; to provide for myself, and the family I find myself building. But I'm still unfulfilled because I feel like there's so much more; it's almost like that unfulfilling feeling you get when eat good food but you want more. You ever got to that crossroad in life where you're not exactly where you would like to be but you're right there on the brink of something great? That all that you've hoped, dreamed and desired is right there for the taking? The moment where dreams are no longer thoughts deep within yourself, but actually right there for you to have them formulate into something others said could never happen? The possibilities are only endless when we begin to believe they are; when we put that fearful factor away, and give those dreams we have given life, feet to roam free. I use to hate the person I was; the man I saw in the mirror everyday of my because I didn't believe in my own greatness and potential. I thought I would spend the rest of my life trying to be what others thought that I should be. Then one day; when I was tired of dealing with fear and the opinions of others, I started to do what I wanted to do, and not worry about what others thought I should do. I began to love myself even if no one else would. Then all that I believed I could do, I never gave up on those beliefs; and then...I transformed. I transformed like a caterpillar to a butterfly; a boy to a man, but I genuinely changed for the better. I've realized more and more that things may never happen when you actually want them to; but when they finally happen, they ALWAYS happen whenever you need them to, and it's all for your betterment. 

       I remember when one of my sisters said to me; in one of our many conversations, that she didn't want any man that could not show his emotions. That couldn't cry when he felt pain; that couldn't say that he loved her whenever that's what he felt. Now that I think about it, my father never seemed to express any of that that my sister said she wanted in a man. My father seems to be that missing link in this seemingly complicated puzzle I call my life. I miss my father, and I can genuinely say that mean it this day. I wish I could talk to my father and express to him; man to man, that I am disappointed in his decisions. That I expected him to love me and be there for me just like my mother was and still is. That all that I have learned to be as a man has nothing to do with him, and it's somewhat hurtful. However; If I am to be honest, I am partly the man I am today because of his abandonment of responsibilities as a parent to me. His physical and mental abuse is what strived me to love without any condition and to give of my heart wholeheartedly. I have a Queen that I would never cheat on; that I love with ALL my heart and soul, whom I will grow old with and spend the rest of my life with. We have a little princess that I love; that I teach everyday she is a remarkable individual, that she's smart and precious and I love her no matter what mistakes she finds herself making. My dad never even told me he loved me; he never hugged me or told me I was smart and had much to offer the world and it hurt my soul. I'm not expecting pity or that "awww moment". What I do hope for is if you're this kind of man or woman; stop doing this today. Be the parent to your child that they need you to be. Be their light at the end of their tunnel when all seems dark and hopeless. Love them unconditionally even when they don't love or believe in themselves. Because they can be broken like I was, hateful like I use to be, and go down that path in life that they didn't even have to if you were there to say I LOVE YOU even if they didn't love themselves. 

       I love you dad; even though I feel like you never expressed your love to me. I'm here even if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to believe in you, though you never believed in me. And I genuinely forgive you even though you never forgave yourself for what you did to me. You've got to let what has happened to you go because you will never be able to be the man you we're suppose to be if you don't. You must believe that GOD can fix anything because he has fixed me. And all I have aspired to be is because of your lack of being there. And I don't say any of this because of anger or hurt; I say this because you know I am right, so make your wrongs right by admitting what you're too afraid to admit to yourself, which is you're hurt. That you want to cry and love and give what was never given to you because your father abandoned you too. Forgive your father; because I have forgiven mine already. And I promise I will NEVER make the same mistakes that you did; I will never forget those that mean the world to be like you have, but I will be strong like you are because I am you and you are what I will never be, which is scared to love. But it's not your fault because the one who should have showed you to tie a tie, and love a woman and take care of his family was never there like you weren't there for us. But I want to leave you with this thought though; mistakes man us human, and life won't always be easy, but the decision to right those wrongs will only lead us to change for the better. Not only for ourselves but for those who look up to us. And even when we fuck up and make those mistakes, WE have to make sure we are able to deal with those consequences for our actions. Sometimes Goodbyes aren't always forever; but new beginnings of change can happen when we attempt to create that change. So I chose to be the man you should have been for me, but I thank you for making me realize that even though you were nowhere to be found. I love you dad; and thank you for your mistakes...

Two Steps Away

Greatness; where does is derive from? Is it courage? Is it believing in yourself even when no one else does? Is it conquering all the odds? Is it making the impossible possible? Or is it all those things and so much more? Questions I ask myself on a constant basis; on the brink of greatness, but needing to take two steps more before I actually get there. Looking at people who I thought meant the world to me, but I was only a convenience for them. Believing in those even when they didn't believe in themselves, but having them doubt every decision; dream and aspiration I have, that I myself can not even see. To lie and say at times I don't doubt my own potential would be a farce, but I'm only human. To know that some of those I hold so close to me will be those long forgotten hurts me more then not excelling. I am fearful of pushing myself to my highest potential because I feel like I will lose those I hold so near and dear to me heart; but realistically if I lose them, they were really never meant to be there anyway...right? Balancing what I need to do because what I want to do at this moment isn't ready yet. The moment where my need to's will be my want to's. Does is make me ungrateful that I make good money and have a good job and can provide the way I need to; but that's not what I want to do for the rest of my life? That I see myself owning businesses and being very wealthy for myself and those I love and care for; but don't want to make someone else richer? "Persistent Men Excel" is the motto I live by, the mantra I explain to myself everyday that I clock into someone else's company I feel like I'm far better then on EVERY LEVEL. The visions I see, the way that I feel when I talk about building companies that I know plenty of those around me don't believe will EVER come into fruition. But I continue to keep on striving because I can feel it; I'm almost there, so why would I stop? Dreams can only become a movement if you breath life Into them, and give them feet to move. So what am I waiting for?

The "Portrayal"

I'm trying to balance being a man and the man I want to be and see the future even before it's here. I Don't believe in complacency but I'm comtiplating on the next level you see. The here and now isn't even good enough for me and I don't care who I could have been but more so who I am going to be. Would I sell my soul just to get what I deserve? Balancing life like I'm standing on a tightrope... Praying for hope hoping what I pray for comes into fruition. Banking that the fruits of my labor will be ripe enough to blossom into the prosperity I so long and hope for. I have a girlfriend I love more then my own self, I would bleed the last ounce of my own blood into her veins if that would keep her alive and that's all I had to give her. This love is like a never ending stream of the deepest rivers of the abyss. And when we make love GOD is there watching us as we lose ourselves into each other. Intertwing like a knot to a string forming into a bow. This woman has made me want to be a better man to her and my daughter. And I'm scared I'll never be a good enough father because my father never was to me. Blood doesn't make you blood just like reading the bible doesn't make you a saint. Sometimes sinning is the only way to win; I mean look at those who are rich. And what's crazy is we all long for wealth. And every rich person isn't a sinner and every poor person isn't a saint, and sometimes the wolf is the sheep and life is too deep to even understand. When you pray to a GOD you can't even see and try to understand a religion that's been made up when scientist say that the Big Bang theory created this world and I go to church and the Pastor is preaching Jesus walked on water and died for all our sins, but the sinners seem to be the winners? As confusing and jumbled up these thoughts I have are; they make sense. I'm from a city where there are millions who all have the same wants and desires but have different ways of getting it. We ALL deal with Life & Death; two never ending cycles we can't interrupt. The skin I'm in I want to be able to win in this never ending battle to the top that only a few seem to be able to get to. I believe in me even if you won't...I don't expect sympathy; and at times my pride will get in the way but the heart of a man doesn't always define who he is, because we have to adapt to our situations. Always evolving because only the strong survive? I guess even when my ancestors were forced to be in bondage and chains for the rest of their lives, I seem to be here. Expressing thoughts and visions a slave master hundreds of years earlier said couldn't be uttered becaue he couldn't fathom the fact that he is an albino black man? That his skin is only as light as it is because he had to adapt to the cold climate thousands of years earlier? And what I speak of is far from racist but rather a truth too hard to understand to that slave master; so he beats it out of you because he can't put his finger around how he can torment you everyday GOD allows the sun to shine, and you continue to keep your head held high even if your body is broken. I am the direct descendant of KINGS & QUEENS who built pyramids that people said couldn't be made; so they said aliens built them. I share a bloodline to the creators of Math and science, engineers, scholars and authors and individuals of substance. At the end of the day wherever my mind roams off to I remember that I'm not just a man trying to make it; but I am a Legacy that must carry on for the sake the future that those before me couldn't have. My History won't be HIS STORY to tell, but my life will speak for itself. And even when I'm an old man playing with my great great great grandkids, I'll remember that true wealth isn't the value of a dollar but how much value you make that dollar to be. NOTHING has value unless we give it the power to, so there's really no such thing as rich or poor but the value Inwhich we give those labels we portray as life....just think about it.

Sins of Yesterday's Past

It's funny how you can never live past your past sins and transgressions no matter how much you've changed for the better. My heart filled with strain; my eyes filled with pain when you look straight into them. I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve, but you want someone to believe in your change. I have a changed mindset but you can bet that no one will see it. People have the tendency to see what they want to; forget what you do, and can care less how true to you you've been. A sin is a sin but how can I win when my sins are accounted for. The more I try I realize that my past at times hinders my present presently. It's almost like my destiny has been set for me; I'm in this never ending race you see...But it's alright, it's ok, I'll keep trying anyway; because what I've done in my past, doesn't make me who I am today...

My Good Bye isn't Forever

I feel alive; awake beyond measure. My thoughts different, my vision much keener, and all that I use to care for doesn't even matter anymore. I want to be successful; but it's not all about the money and fame anymore, it's more so about being financially stable enough to have my family, future wife and our daughter never wanting for anything ever again. It's about being well connected to individuals who have no limits to the success they want to acquire. It's about moving higher; elevating until there is no more room to move. It's about believing and achieving the things people said couldn't be done. It's all about blessing those that have cursed me. Remembering to have honor, respect, dignity and pride for oneself. It's about leaving a legacy that will last for an eternity. Today embarks the year anniversary of my Grandmothers passing; a woman too powerful to explain, even if I had an eternity to expound upon her greatness. The woman who helped mold and shape me into the fearless individual I am. The woman who gave until she had no more to give. Though I want to be selfish and have her here by my side; laughing with her, making jokes and enjoying her presence. GOD needed her back by his side to watch over me. Though my heart is as heavy as a ton of steel, I will celebrate her life. She is no longer here on this cold and unforgiving Hell we call the world. She is no longer suffering from Cancer; losing pints of blood, nearly forgetting who we all were. She lived a long life, and though her flesh is dead, her Spirit will live on forever. So Grammy; I am sad that you're gone, which made a year today, but I thank you. You left an impeccable legacy that I will continue on through my children. Every time the moon rises and the sun sets, I will look upon the Heavens and smile, because I know you will ALWAYS and FOREVER watch over me. This isn't a Good Bye, but a see you later.....