The Beast That's Unforgiving

       My feelings are numb, nothing like how they use to be as a child. This world has hardened my heart, and the bit of soul that I have is slowly leaving me. The times I do watch the television or check out the news all I see is something negative. We have a president in office that doesn't care about anything or anyone. His own wife doesn't want to have anything to do with him. It just goes to show you that money doesn't bring happiness if it was never there, to begin with. Time sure does fly when you're out here living it. Rent is due, bills to pay and you try to have an honest job but the streets are calling you. That fast money that I don't have to wait two weeks for. I can go right on that block and sell those rocks and push that cocaine. Trying to be pure, but for what? This world was never good or fair to me, when was it ever easy? Too Black for white America; tattoos running down both sleeves, that's my expression for the art I love in this twisted nightmare I'm living daily.

       People look at my name tag and see ambitious and a writer and make a confused face. I mean I couldn't possibly be anything more because I'm Black right? When you see me you assume that I have a child and have to have back child support I owe when I haven't had any children since my ex-girlfriend lost my twins so many years ago. I find myself looking in the mirror when I wash my face and as I look back at myself I wonder who I am. Am I being myself or being what everyone else wants me to be? Am I being the best Dee possible or playing it safe? I'm from the Eastside of Harlem where you hustle, fearing nobody but GOD himself because in your eyes you are a GOD. Walking this earth trying not to let it taint you. When you see the police sirens you get numb, you're immune to seeing the hatred in that police officers eyes for you. The way he's ready to shoot you and not think twice about it. Meanwhile, you have a full scholarship to any University of your choice; his child though is home snorting up cocaine, trying to feel some kind of love from anything since he doesn't do anything but beat her because of the pressures of his job.

       It's funny how we find ourselves trying to receive love, even if it's all in the wrong places. Trying to be accepted by people who are in a worse space than we are. Way too scared to be great so they'll make you feel like nothing when you're everything and so much more. I have survived things that should have killed me, I lost so many things and people you would have thought would break me and it hasn't. I have laughed at death in the face and kept going. I'm my mother's only son, so it's my job to rise above the adversities I face. I can't afford to crumble like anyone else. I have all this love in my heart but how can I show it with all this hate in the world? I remember when I was younger, going through the phase of rebellion, allowing the world's many evils to tantalize me. I was getting ready to leave the house and my mother said that every time I left the house she was scared I wouldn't come back. She had a look of pain and regret, her eyes were crying out for me; but through my cold young demeanor, I couldn't really see that. I thought that the streets were my playground, a place for me to run free with others just like me. Not realizing at that time that it wasn't anything out there for me but trouble. Guns intrigued me, and the thrill of doing things that could get me in trouble was a rush.

       Fast forwarding ten years later; about three weeks before my 29th birthday, and my mindset is totally different. Life is a never-ending journey that has twists and turns, but it's well worth the journey. Though this world is unforgiving I still forgive. You can't let the hate of this world stop you from being the loving person you are. Just know that if you love yourself you'll never be alone. That when you believe in yourself everyone else will do the same. One man can change the world, and I have realized that that man is me.......

Live Your Truth

       I'm always dolo (by myself for those unsure of the meaning). I don't need a bunch of people to feel empowered to the highest degrees. I don't need the acceptance of people who are too afraid to live out their dreams and make them a reality. So they attempt to make me feel less than because they are less than worthy to accomplish anything. It's really up to you to make shit happen and I say this with the utmost respect because I believe it. Believing is the first step to accepting what is and what will be. It's taking responsibility when no one else will. It's doing all that you can even when it feels too hard to do. It's looking those adversities right in the eyes and doing all that can be done to overcome it. Who are you not to excel? A question easier to think about trying to figure out then Accomplishing? I ask questions that at times seem too hard to figure out. And to be honest with you I battle with myself every day because I'm playing "tug of war" with myself; trying to figure out my way in the world.

       This world is way too unforgiving to those genuinely trying to make it without fucking people over to get to the top. Being manipulative and sneaky to get what they feel to be the "unattainable". I have always been extremely mindful of the people I associate myself with because I realize that the people you befriend paints a picture of who you are. Then again I have not always been the way I am now. I thought that I needed to have a bunch of people around me to have some level of importance. Not realizing at the time that it's all about the quality of people, not the quantity. In your times of need is exactly where you realize where you stand with people, not the times where everything is going fine.

       When I was nearly homeless and found myself wondering where I was going to get the money to have more to eat, that's where I realized where I stood with people. People can tell you all they want to how much they will be there, it's the actions that back up those words that matter the most. I have had times in my life where I only ate one time because I had just enough money to at least feed my family and myself once a day, then go out and pretend to the world that I was fine when I really wasn't. Then people don't make things any easier by being judgemental or inconsistent.

       With a lot of experiences in my life that I have faced, you would think that I would be broken mentally or even psychologically. However, I found that I thrived and rose above it all; Because I realized that I had a larger purpose, and it was bigger than me. You can't go into the world feeling sorry or victimizing yourself. No one is going to feel sorry for you or even make you feel better all the time. You have got to learn to believe in yourself and give of yourself to yourself because at times all you will have is yourself. I am not being cynical or negative, I am being honest and realistic. We lean too much on the support of others that we think people owe us. In reality, if someone is there for you and shows constant consistency, consider yourself blessed. Be thankful and grateful, not because they are there, but because they are being constant in their actions while being there for you!

       Never let your adversities or adversaries get in the way of what you need to do for yourself.  You have got to learn to believe in yourself even when others doubt you. Even if your family doesn't understand why you do it, or your friends don't believe in you. Keep on going, because there is not only light at the end of that dark tunnel, but you will see it through! I feel like a lot that I am now being blessed with was a long time coming. I needed to experience rock bottom to appreciate slowing rising to the top. I genuinely feel that you can never truly appreciate what it takes to get anything if you have never lost something. The reason I say that is because when you are finally getting things you deserve, you appreciate them because you realize everything it took to get it. I have lost so much in my life, but yet I still stand tall! I believe that my life purpose is to inspire people and lead others to be their very best. To own many fortune 500 Companies, and be one of the wealthiest Black Men in the world while giving back to my community. I may have been born in the projects and have seen a lot of wicked things this world had to offer, but giving up was never an option. I am a living breathing vessel and a living testimony that when you have a gift you have to present it and give it to the world. Live your truth daily, even if others lie to themselves about their own!

The Siege For Self-Worth

       Honestly; I have not been inspired to write that much on this site of mine, for a lot of different reasons. I've been going through emotional, financial, and psychological issues. So my focus has not really been about giving the type of content that I know people who genuinely support me, are content with. Rather, all I have been doing is just posting bull shit content the last three weeks. I realize that, and I genuinely apologize for that. I don't think that people realize that whenever I am really posting my work (except for the last three weeks of mediocre content) I pour my heart and soul into my body of work. I actually sit there in my room; listen to a song or two that put me in a specific mindset, and I then write. Write about whatever it is that is on my mind or in my heart at that time. I have posted content on here that I feel have been some of my best work; hell, I've said things on here that I didn't ever think people would be inspired by.

       I've had people tell me that my posts have made them better people. I even like the comments of people telling me that they didn't like or even agree with that I wrote because they had a difference of opinion. Feedback is something I have come to appreciate because I realize that when I sit here and bravely expound on something that I chose to speak about, people are going to say something whether I want them to or not. However, people don't realize how much it took me to even begin this website I started about one hundred twenty-two posts and seven years ago!

        I remember When I told a few people at that time how I wanted to write and post content, not only about myself and my circumstances but just all around content. There were so many unsupportive people. I even had people tell me "Since when are you a writer?" Mind you I have ALWAYS admired being a writer and doing poetry. In Highschool I had a deep passion for poetry, it was something I always loved and was really good at. My Teacher, Ms. Brown never made me feel like I could not do anything. Even the Pastor and Founder of the School Mount Pleasant Christian Academy made me feel like I could do anything that I put my mind to. They made me feel like it was blessing to be Black, not a burden like this world seems to make people feel who are a part of the Black Diaspora. If you believe in yourself and what you do, it doesn't matter what other people believe.

       Just because people are afraid to dream big, and are complacent in what they do don't stop. Your walk through life is not theirs, and their walk is not yours. always strive for excellence, and never place yourself in a box, even if others may do so. Compete only with yourself, and never settle. I feel like people have always doubted me; my potential, and what I was capable of accomplishing. I have always felt like the underdog, and have had to prove myself in quite a few instances. But I'm cool with that because I realize that people place you in boxes that they really place themselves in. Meaning; people reflect their own insecurities on you instead of doing better for themselves, it is easier to tear you down instead of attempting to build themselves up. It's just a never-ending cycle of self-destructive perpetual negative thoughts and reflective behavior. I for one don't have the time or energy to entertain that or any type of negative behaviors.

       I just want to leave you with this thought, you are important! You are worthy, and I love you! I feel like there were times in my life I wanted to hear that, I damn near yearned for it and it never was said to me. When I was at my lowest point and felt like I wanted to die or to be saved from my own self-destructive behavior, nothing was said. There are going to be times in life where someone isn't going to be encouraging to you. People won't tell you things that you may even deserve to hear or have said to you. You have got to learn to LOVE YOURSELF and INSPIRE YOURSELF!!!! Remember that no matter what you decided to do the decision begins and ends with YOU! I have realized a long time ago that my words have power, that when I speak and write people listen to me. That my words mean something to people, even if I don't know them. I have not really used this platform that I have to the best of my abilities, and for those who read this know that I will do better by you. I don't take for granted the nearly 10,000 people worldwide who read my posts! I want to better myself daily with this and I want everyone to partake in this journey I find myself a part of. Never Ever give up, because the last time you gave up may have been the next time you could have found yourself reaching heights even greater than you could have fathomed!

Love Is ™

Love is Passion, Love is Pain.
Love is Struggles, Love is Strain.
But Love doesn't cut you to the Vein.
Love isn't divided, Love is United.
Love is indifferent, it's NEVER one Sided.
Love is beautiful no matter the Race.
Love can travel through time and Space.
Love doesn't care about your sex or your Preferences.
Love doesn't need a reason like a job needs References.
Love is more than a concept, it is beyond an Idea.
Love is the first kiss kind of moment, but you get the Idea.
Love has the power to make you Believe.
Love has the capacity to push you to Achieve.
Love is Fearless, Love is Bold.
Love is the never ending story, expressed & Untold.
Love is as deep as the sea in the Abyss.
Love feels like giving your true love that very first Kiss.
Love is mental, it's not just Physical.
Love shouldn't hurt or ever get Physical.
Love is what keeps us; believe me, it's true.
But in order to achieve this feat, it starts with YOU!

Hungry Heart

We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry, 

The truth is there, but our visions are blurry. 

Tired of being alone but we're all in a hurry for love, the single most action we seek. 

We yearn it so much that we'll accept it from anyone even if it's weak. 

Never settle for anything less then you deserve.

Don't stay with something if they have no purpose they serve. 

Believe in your instincts believe In your worth

NEVER settle just for anything because like a priceless diamond realize your worth! 

Hidden Agenda?

As I lay there naked; and ready to please every of your body, for a split second I ask myself why am I here? 

Why am I even having these thoughts now when you chose to give this to me?

Why is it that I am able to detach myself from any form of intimacy, yet I'm here being intimate with you?

Why did you tell me you loved me, then I lied and told you that I loved you back?

Why was I not just honest with you, yet I couldn't be because then I would hurt you?

Why is it that as boys we are forced to be men, yet as men we find ourselves longing to be boys again?

I then take off your clothes; passionately kissing every inch of your vulnerabilty, yet I find myself fighting myself daily to show mine.

Why is that so? Because; It is easier to Climax then climb next to you and let myself go, and let you see my deepest parts of my humanity I chose to throw deep into the abyss of my emotions masked with male bravado and masculinity. 

I just want you to love me for me, can I just be me and not what the world wants me to be?

Why can't I just be honest with myself? Because it is easier to believe a lie then to dig deep down in my own soul and expose the true me. 

The Truth is hard to face when you have yourself to be honest with....TO BE CONTINUED

My Guardian Angel

I miss you Grandma, your  advice and the way you would always make things better. The laughs we shared, you always cared and you never made me feel like I couldn't do anything. You were my strength when I felt weak, my everything. I miss you everyday that passes by, I wish I could hold you one last time. I feel like you made everything so much better. Even now I hear your hearty laugh, and see your smile. The way your eyes would light up every time you would tell my sisters and I stories of you being in South Carolina. How you traveled all the way to New York City on the East Side of Harlem to make a new life with our grandfather. It hurts me that you're not near, every year that passes by. I love you deeply and I wish that I could hear your voice one last time to let me know everything will be alright. But you're my guardian Angel now. Protecting me from all Manner of evil in this world. The times I find myself being lost I think of you and everything feels so much better. It's Almost like you're letting me know you have everything under control. Anyway Grammy, I Love you and I miss you; and I won't ever tell you Goodbye, But I will say I'll see you later....