Sins of Yesterday's Past

It's funny how you can never live past your past sins and transgressions no matter how much you've changed for the better. My heart filled with strain; my eyes filled with pain when you look straight into them. I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve, but you want someone to believe in your change. I have a changed mindset but you can bet that no one will see it. People have the tendency to see what they want to; forget what you do, and can care less how true to you you've been. A sin is a sin but how can I win when my sins are accounted for. The more I try I realize that my past at times hinders my present presently. It's almost like my destiny has been set for me; I'm in this never ending race you see...But it's alright, it's ok, I'll keep trying anyway; because what I've done in my past, doesn't make me who I am today...

My Good Bye isn't Forever

I feel alive; awake beyond measure. My thoughts different, my vision much keener, and all that I use to care for doesn't even matter anymore. I want to be successful; but it's not all about the money and fame anymore, it's more so about being financially stable enough to have my family, future wife and our daughter never wanting for anything ever again. It's about being well connected to individuals who have no limits to the success they want to acquire. It's about moving higher; elevating until there is no more room to move. It's about believing and achieving the things people said couldn't be done. It's all about blessing those that have cursed me. Remembering to have honor, respect, dignity and pride for oneself. It's about leaving a legacy that will last for an eternity. Today embarks the year anniversary of my Grandmothers passing; a woman too powerful to explain, even if I had an eternity to expound upon her greatness. The woman who helped mold and shape me into the fearless individual I am. The woman who gave until she had no more to give. Though I want to be selfish and have her here by my side; laughing with her, making jokes and enjoying her presence. GOD needed her back by his side to watch over me. Though my heart is as heavy as a ton of steel, I will celebrate her life. She is no longer here on this cold and unforgiving Hell we call the world. She is no longer suffering from Cancer; losing pints of blood, nearly forgetting who we all were. She lived a long life, and though her flesh is dead, her Spirit will live on forever. So Grammy; I am sad that you're gone, which made a year today, but I thank you. You left an impeccable legacy that I will continue on through my children. Every time the moon rises and the sun sets, I will look upon the Heavens and smile, because I know you will ALWAYS and FOREVER watch over me. This isn't a Good Bye, but a see you later.....

Make-up? (Her Pain Concealed)

Lipstick, eye liner, blush and lip gloss; just a few weapons in a woman's arsenal when she wants to knock every man dead when you see her. She applies just enough make up to catch your attention; and did I mention when see her she's like a blessing sent from heaven. And when you look into her eyes what you don't  realize is that concealer she's wearing is concealing much more then what the naked eye can see. You can care less about who she's destined to be because all you see is a beautiful woman with make-up on. Her pretty face and small waist brings every man to their knees; with her little black dress and high heel pumps, yea she's definitely dressed to kill. Yet and still all you can see is a beautiful woman with impeccable make-up on. The sad part is as men we don't realize the pain a woman has every time she's applying on her make-up. The long hours she takes just to put a smile on our face and we can't even appreciate her. If a woman's make-up could talk; you wouldn't be able to imagine the stories it would begin to tell you. A woman's make-up is like a camouflage from her inner truths. The parts only the most luckiest have the opportunity to see. That make-up has concealed domestic violence marks, psychological pain, and self hatred; but we're too blind to see that a woman's make-up is almost like her armor. The protection from any thoughts of our portrayal of her. Sometimes I think to myself the kind of pain a woman goes through just for our temporary gain; of unimportant happiness to the armor we call Make-up...

All Of You

I love you; the way that you smile back at me, the way you stare at me. The love you gave, the love you give and show; the fact that my feelings continue to grow. I was scared to believe that a love like this forever we are building existed, but as I look through your eyes I realize I am blessed. And all that I have stressed has come and gone and now its time to embrace the fact that you are my blessing. My end and my beginning, even when I feel like I've lost I'm winning because I have you...Living life seems much easier because I have you, true love is hard to find but you're here. And every year that passes by and I find myself staring in those eyes again I'll remember that moment I let all my fears go and made you mine. I appreciate your perfect imperfections and with all the life lessons I have gone through; the pain and strain was worth it because I did gain you. If I had to deal with all that I have I would do it all over again just so I could appreciate and have All of You...I Love You.

Thoughts I could not speak

I admit I'm scared to love you; because you'll bring me to feelings I'm scared to feel but they feel right. And as I lay here at night I feel like I don't even deserve you. You treat me like I'm at the top when I'm my lowest. And if ever I met a decent woman you might just be the truest. Feelings like these I have now are the newest; but it's okay because it's no way I'm letting you go. And I don't want to mess up what we've got going and  knowing that you care for me the way you do puts a smile on my face every time. I don't even feel like I deserve you because you're a woman with vision, while I'm a man with visions too afraid to accomplish them; because I'm worried I'm not good enough. The eyes never lie and I realize that I will love you. My heart is yours to keep if you want it. I'm scared that I'll lose you from my own fears because I haven't felt like this in years. Honestly what's there to be afraid of? When I have a blessing like you from above. And I feel like your love would be the loveliest if that even makes sense. But you can never truly make sense of love because at times it can make you sense. I'm ready to settle down and have you as my one and only but the only thing that's stoping me is fearing that maybe I'm not even the best man for you. But that's just my insecurity talking; deep down I know no other man will make you feel the way I do. No other man will love you the way I will; yet and still I'm here in doubt. You make it easy to let go of all those fears though and where this may go I don't know. But what I do know is you're the woman of my dreams...

In Due season

   The Darkest hour in someone's life is when they realize the greatness they hold. It's when they realize that all they have internally will come forth. They will realize that all they believe will be achieved. I've always said that things may not happen when you want them to but they will always happen whenever you need them to. Those words so simple hold so much power and I believe them. I believe them because part of me realizes that all great things don't come overnight, or when we want them to at that moment. If things were that simple to get; how would we truly appreciate something, if we didn't understand the struggle to truly possess it? All great things don't come to an end; all that happens is something new takes the place of it.

   I won't portray myself as a person who knows it all because I don't. I won't say that I have the answers to become successful because I'm trying to figure out the answers myself. What I will say is I'm a man who has gone through a few hardships in my life to shed some light on knowing that better days are coming. Sitting around and waiting for things to change and get better won't do anything. All that will happen is time will go by and you'll find yourself years later; much older asking yourself why didn't you do more, and the only one to blame is one you see in the mirror...Yourself!

   Remembering moments when I was nearly homeless twice; going uptown to the welfare place with my family almost begging to keep our place. Fighting to stay in an apartment my grandmother had in her name for years before she passed away. Remembering how embarrassed I felt being there with my sisters and mother. Feeling like a criminal, giving my social security number; having people say we couldn't even get food stamps because my mother made too much. Then my Aunts stepped in and gave money to make sure we stayed in our home. Our Angels in disguise.

    I remember when I worked my ass off for a a company for only $7.50/hr. Me not being complacent with complacency worked my way up to an assistant manager in less then 3 months. By the time I had been there not even a year I had already been ready to run my own store. But God obviously had other plans for my life so I went from that company to another. Only being there for a month and a half I was respected by everyone I worked with and was treated like I was a manager, though I was just a sales associate. Now no longer working even for that company I truly wonder where my destiny lies?

   I realize that I am obviously meant to create my own companies, orchestrate my own ways of making a living and helping other individuals reach their fullest potential. I read somewhere that if you are truly a leader you do not make followers but create other leaders. I believe those words because I myself have taken the responsibility of realizing I am a leader. Not because I wanted to always be one, because I remember when I didn't; I've come to accept it, even embracing it because I realize that my purpose is to show others the greatness they hold within. Truly understanding other people and accepting who they are is understanding and accepting the person you are first.

    How can I proclaim to be a leader and take on the roles of leadership if I am afraid to lead? Moreover; being a leader is also understanding you don't know everything, and allowing others to lead the way when it is necessary to. You cannot be intimidated by someone else's potential or be angry if those you lead do better then you do; just take that as a sign of who you are, and the kind of people you mold into being great.

   When I find myself writing I don't ever do it for the people already established or those who appear to have it all. I do it for the have nots, the underdogs. I do it for the mother who is a single parent who gives her daughter everything she never had, and wants to be the example of a woman to her daughter she never had growing up. I do it for the man who works three jobs to make sure that his children want for nothing and his wife has the world; and though he is not rich he finds happiness in his family. I do it for those homeless people we already walk pass; judging them, telling each other "they don't have to be homeless", and not even know their story. It's easy to judge the path you never walked down when you yourself have never been down that route.

  I said all that to say that a change is going to come; a shift in fortune will cause you to see that all the trials and tribulations you have suffered, will have not been in vain. You have to believe what you can't see and realize that even when all seems lost everything will work in your favor. I would be a liar if I didn't say that as I'm writing this; I wasn't compelled to give up sometimes myself when things don't seem to go the way I planned for, even when I give my very best. But a part of me realizes that all that pain and hurt is only temporary. That happiness and gain will replace all that has been seemingly lost.

   If I haven't said this already; or you are still unsure what I want you to realize, remember that you have to do what works for you. What's going to make you happy is important. I may not have all the answers to life, I may also not be able to point out the best methods to have you get through whatever hardships or circumstances you're facing either. What I can tell you though is the best lessons are learned through hardships; because they not only show you who you are, but make you realize that there still others going through much worse.

   Trust and believe in your own potential even when it appears that all hope is lost. Remember we all have a purpose in life and we are set here to not only figure it out, but share it with the world. Life will present to you your true purpose in due time, just believe in your potential unseen and remember your greatness from within in.

What if

What if our lives were a dream, and everything we thought we knew wasn't what it may seem?

What if I never knew love? Then I would have never met such a blessing like you from the Lord above.

What if I never knew pain? Then I would never appreciate my new found gain.

What if I believed when people said I would fail? Then I would have only failed myself and wouldn't prevail.

What if I was afraid to succeed? But fear is only a choice and I MUST succeed.

What if I was never born? But it's no time to feel like a victim; though I am broken I am not torn.

What if I fail? But giving up is never an option and through God I will prevail.

What if, what if, what if...is what I always ask myself;  but it's more important to appreciate what is and remember what will be, then to dwell on what was and what might be. Remember what you are and appreciate what you were because who you were made you who you are destined to be...