Black Rose, in a Chaotic Wonderland

  I just want to me more, more then I thought I could ever be. Someone that I can be proud of. I take pride in the side that I show the world when I'm facing it. Everyday I feel like I fight to be respected. I'm tested, by my own people because I'm not even Black enough to be Black. I'm tested by White people that show me no matter how much my hue may be "light" I'll never be good enough to be white. And honestly I don't want be, you see because the king in me is Proud to be Black, and would not change it no matter how ugly the world makes me feel  for being it. 

  I am the Richest; Most Powerful, Influential Man the world has ever known. And the reason why the rest of this world hasn't seen it yet is because deep down I feel like I'll fail. And not because I will;  and not because I have, but because I realize that it's bigger then just me. I believe for those who are afraid to believe in something. I carry the burden of a Billion lashed Slaves who saw this day coming; when I could write freely and not worry about the consequences of wanting to be free, in a world where corruption wants me to be a mental slave. And though I have no shackles, I'm still just another nigger in the eyes of the world. That is my truth whether you believe it or not, and the news shows how much of an endangered species I'm becoming.

  How I can be gunned down by someone that my tax dollars pays for to "keep the peace". But how is it peace when I can't even just be...Be a man that just wants the best for himself and his family. Be a Man that enjoys his life; that has a future wife, and some kids that he loves and loves him back dearly. I just want to be the father to children, that love them more then my own father loved me. I want to be the grandfather my grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be proud of. Where I earned the right to be the example of what the world is really scared of about Black men...OUR GREATNESS! 

  I don't want to just be great for me, but for them. Do you know how hard it is to live in a world where people steal from you, steal your culture and then rename it and make it their own? For people to want the perks of being Black; but Black Lives only matter when it's taking their money to help people build homes, and properties and lands that they won't even be able to afford, because the system is intentionally rigged to make them fail? My soul cries seeing how the judicial system is only big business to keep Black Men as modern day slaves. Having us all in shackles; touching family through a two sided glass, knowing you may never see them again. Putting us in communities that the people in power have intentionally made difficult for Black People to excel in. Then mark us as criminals when we sell drugs to our community, but they're the ones who put it there in the first place. It's funny how people always say "lady justice" but always forget about the fact that that scale was NEVER meant to be in OUR favor to begin with. 

  Where's the justice when there are little girls and boys barely out of elementary school being slaughtered just for being Black? Where is that justice when Black Women; who are the most powerful beings GOD has ever blessed us with, are being assassinated by the police in custody for crimes they didn't even commit? Where is the justice when Black men are put in prison for most of their lives, only to later find out he never committed the crime in the first place? I ask; where is the justice when a young white male can rape a girl, get only less then 3 months in prison, then still get time served because "prison would be too harsh for him"? 

  Yet this world has the audacity to say "ALL MEN CREATED EQUALLY"? Equal how? You mean 3/5th of a man equal? You mean Jim Crow and Rockerfeller Drug Law equal? You mean clutch your purse when you see me equal? I have yet to benefit from any type of reparation; yet everyone else who isn't Black has received one, yet I'm equal? It's sad when you have to have "the talk" with your children, and the conversation has everything to do with survival and not being murdered by the police. How can you ever make me feel equal when most of the people being murdered are Black Men, Women and even our children?  It hurts, and that pain runs deeper then the abyss. These are the thoughts I have in my head; the constant battle of the brain, yet I STILL BELIEVE! 

   I believe for those ancestors of my past who paved the way for me. Believe for the future me that knows that he has to believe, because who else will believe in US if WE don't?  I'm not just some nigger; I'm a man, more then 3/5th of one. I'm the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm the brighter future in the midst of all the chaos. I am the success story when the world tried to write me off. And I WILL SUCCEED; because I believe my purpose is far beyond riches and wealth, but the preservation of a future many slaves fought so hard for me to have. I owe it to them and to myself, because I don't have the luxury to quit. Believe even no one else believes, then achieving will be the easy part....

(BELIEVE) (IN) (YOU)R DREAMS!

     This is just something to encourage those that need it. For the people that have lost all hope for each and everything in their lives. This is for the people who dream big, and feel like things aren't coming along the way they wanted them to. Lets be honest, life can be VERY hard and difficult to get through sometimes. Of course you're alive and people tell you not to complain because things could always be worse, but that doesn't erase the fact that you want things to change. It doesn't change the fact that you may feel like things will never work in your favor, and you're just tired of failures and disappointments. You're feeling alone, and in your mind there is no one that is going through what you are. 

     I'm here to say that there is a host of individuals out in this world dealing with the same issues you may be going through. As big as this world is someone at this very moment wants change, and what you may not realize is their situation is much more difficult then your own. Now this doesn't negate how you feel, or mean you don't have the right to be frustrated or upset. I'm just saying keep moving forward and trying your very best, no matter how you're feeling or what everyone else thinks. The people we admire the most or aspire to be like, didn't get to where they are by feeling sorry for themselves, or give into a defeated mentality. They gave every inch of their very being until they couldn't give anymore.

      Life was never meant to be easy, if it was then there would be no such thing as success stories. We couldn't inspire anyone else to be better, because we would all have everything in our lives together. But since that's definitely not the case; it's your job to not only keep trying, but to encourage yourself. Appreciate who you see in the mirror, love them, and support them even when no one else will. I guarantee that once you do that internally, externally you'll pour out what you believe. Success wasn't built overnight, so don't expect it to happen that way. Instead keep trying, even when you're worried and want to give in. Just believe in your dreams, and everyone else will follow suit and believe in them also. Remember there is no such thing as a loser, there is only such a person who lost momentarily to go back and win the next time.

THE BLACK SON RISE

   Who do I go to when I have my moments of being vulnerable? Feeling like things aren't sorting out the way I want them to, even when I pray and attempt to be as optimistic as possible. I already know that life isn't always smiles and giggles, but it has to be way more then what I'm getting now. I look at people around me who do nothing but evil and they get EVERYTHING. It appears like they live a carefree life full of happiness and prosperity while I seem to work hard for nothing. I honestly want to give up constantly because it seems like there's just no use in trying. The more trying I endeavor to do it seems like I fall deeper into my own abyss of sorrows and pain. I have the option to either keep on trying or just give up right then and there. But is giving up the easier part or is it the part of sticking with it the hardest?

   Most people will NEVER understand how it feels to be a Black Male in America unless you are one already. It doesn't matter whether you're successful, or not. When people see you you're already placed in a box of failure, drugs, violence, incarceration or being a dead beat father. What's even more sad is the fact that all of these situations have plagued the African American community seemingly forever. You turn on the television, read it in news paper, even by word of mouth you hear something about someone you know having been apart of each situation. It saddens me to know that people give up on black males like there's just no hope for US. 

   Then again, just because you have fallen deep into any or every one of those situations, it doesn't mean the end. I believe that God places us in certain situations to not only prove we can endure, but to show others it can be done. I believe that individuals find it a lot easier to judge and categorize people instead of giving them a sense of hope. A part of me doesn't believe that black males who face those issues constantly want to be where they are. I believe fear and even settling causes them to be where they are, but it isn't anyone else's place to judge. The reason I can express it the way that I have is because I am a Black Man, and I feel like God has the FINAL say in where anyone winds up going in life. Society has no right to give anyone an eternal mark, but they do it anyway.

    I think that after awhile it's human nature to judge people. It becomes the very fabric of an individuals being sometimes. However, statistics don't automatically mean failure unless you take it on internally. We have the capability to change ANYTHING if we believe within ourselves it can be changed. People should base individuals individually but they don't, and why is that? I believe; because deep down inside, they themselves are facing their own demons they constantly battle. Life is an ever changing situation, which means that people can change also. 

   Just like there are failures, there are situations of success and triumphs. I believe you have to dig deep within yourself and encourage yourself even if others don't. You MUST face life, and you don't always have to accept things for what they are either. Just as certain as the moon will rise when night falls, there's a chance for a brighter tomorrow. Believe when no one else does and achieve because it's your God given right to do so. There's a reason why God called us sons, because we have just as much power to change this world and rise to the pinnacle as the Sun rises in the morning. 

Baby Girl

    Funny I thought about you today, thought I would check up on you to make sure that you were alright. I wanted to call you and just hear your voice. Just look into your eyes while I rub on your face and kiss you softly on your lips. Embrace the warmth of your body and proceed to express what you mean to me. Your beauty as radiant as the night sky while the moon is full. Your laugh so contagious, I just miss the way you sound. If I could have this moment for eternity I would be the happiest man in the world. But that's just what you do for me, make me forget all about the problems of this world. This love I have for you reminds me why I'm alive.

    This reminds me that all that I have EVER endured in my life was worth it because of this moment I'm able to share with you now. This reminds me why any other woman that hurt me and broke me down emotionally can be forgiven because you taught me how to love again. You make me feel like I can be myself and never have to be someone that I'm not. This is the highest I've ever felt without even taking drugs. Baby Girl YOU are my drug. I Love You and I'm willing to tell you this for the rest of my life and everyday if I have to. GOD blessed my life when he sent me you. You make me feel alive because you are my heart. If love had a definition it would be the physical picture of what you and I have. The way you put your makeup on every morning and effortlessly enhance your beauty without even trying. GOD saved you just for me when you entered my life. I knew that I wanted you to be my wife for the rest of my life when I saw you. 

    Baby you make me feel strong when I'm weak. You lift me up when this world tries their best to tear me down. You are my voice of reason when I feel like I'm about to do something crazy. The day I get on one knee and ask for your hand in marriage; that will be the second best decision I made in my life, because the first one was when I gave you my heart. This is what I feel, and this is the limitless unconditional love I've yearned to have for you baby girl. I can't even stay mad at you when you upset me because you are my love. You are my soul; the bright light at the end of the tunnel, you're the cherry on top like a great ending to your favorite movie. When we make love I put my all into it because you mean everything to me.

     I want my body to express that unlimited love I have for you. I don't just love you girl, but I'm In Love with you. I want to grow old with you, have some kids with you and hold your hand in the rain. I don't even mind being vulnerable with you because you genuinely have my back. So to sum it all up; this is what I feel for you girl, it will NEVER change. To that FUTURE woman of my life, wherever in this world you may be right now, just know that I Love you.......

I met Heaven when my world was Hell

           Kind of in my feelings tonight; I'm here reminiscing on the "past", and how much I miss how things use to be. How much I miss missing you and how much I love LOVE. I've come to grips that I'm just a sensitive, fearless, aggressive, outgoing, loving, giving man. There's nothing wrong with that whatsoever...I've tried my best to stay away from being who I am to build on having people appreciate who I'm not. I feel like I've brainwashed myself from being who I truly am and really excelling to my highest peak. I've done this for so many years because I was trying to figure out who I was. Trying to be a "thug" because I associated with people who did things, which in turn made me do those things to be accepted. I thought being a "player" was important because I was scared to give love due to seeing how women treated the "nice guy". The bad boy was the accepted one, the guy who every man wanted to be and every woman wanted. I've been so many types of Dee's but not the Dee that is ME.....

             At this point in my life I'm beyond happy, I have a job that I can see myself being apart of even when I have my own companies. I love myself and accept myself and appreciate myself even if no one else does. I believe in my own potential even if no one else does. Do I want to have a life where I have a wife and a few kids? Of course I do, that's something I've always wanted. My ex whom I was with nearly with for two years, made me want my own family when I thought she and I would be together forever. She has a daughter whom I still love and think about; who I want to still take care of and watch her grow up, take her to the prom and walk her down the aisle. I never thought that I could ever love a child this much and not even share the same bloodline as them. How I want to be apart of her life this bad but don't want to deal with this child because I was hurt deeply by her mother. It's something how you can love and care for a seed that really isn't yours; but she is yours because you took care of her, even if it was just for a short time. I pray that one day I can still be in this child's life on some level just so she'll know that I love her and I'm her daddy still even if she wasn't someone I helped bring to this world.

        I didn't mind being the father to her that I never had. And no I'm not with her mother; and I wish nothing but the very best for her, and no I may not be this child's biological father but I still want what's best for her.  And I'll admit at times I didn't always do or say the right things when it came to that child, but I took on the role of being a father and guardian even if it wasn't my responsibility to take on in the first place. But I'm a MAN and a MAN takes care of all that is his, even if in the end he's treated badly despite him trying so hard. I'm proud of the man that I've accepted in the mirror, I feel like a real individual and not a carbon copy of someone I'm not. GOD allowed me to endure much to have me give even more. The worst thing that a man can do is not be who he is because he believes being someone he's not will have others accept him. The last thing that I will admit is I still care partly even if I don't feel the same I use to about my ex. That's unfortunately the caring nature in me always wanting the best for others even if they don't or haven't for me.

         At this point all I really would like is a woman who loves me for me; appreciates and adores me, believes in me and stays by my side. Realize that as strong and fearless as I am I do have vulnerable moments. I'm not weak because I care, it makes me a coward if I'm fearful of showing love when GOD is love. I will make mistakes and maybe even hurt you. But I'll NEVER not give my all because that's just not who I am not to. Whoever my future Mrs. Is just know you will be the luckiest woman in the world; and not just because I'll spoil her with my love, affection, gifts and protection, but that I love her because I first learned to love myself first....

Quiet Space

It’s interesting how the people that “Love you” are the ones who hurt you the most. How they cut so deep; to the very core of your being, to the point that they can make you feel like nothing. These are the people who teach you how to be insecure about yourself. The ones who remember all the bad you’ve done but only temporarily speak of your good. These are the people that you call “family” the ones you call “friends” the ones who you would do ANYTHING for even if they treated you bad. As I think about it, we don’t learn about betrayal and heartache & pain from the outside world yet, we learn all of that AFTER we have experienced it in the quiet spaces of our little world within....

And the prize is Loyalty

   It's interesting how so much can change within a year. Old friends become aquantances; people who you never thought you would associate with become life long friends, and your circle becomes as small as a Cheerio. My mother use to tell me all the time if I had at least a full hand of people I could count on, I was a truly blessed individual. Each time my mother use to tell me that I would find myself annoyed by that statement. And I didn't realize how important those words would be in my life until I got much older. The people I grew so fond of would be the people who left me at my darkest hour. Those were the people that turned their backs on me when I needed them the most. I find that we tend to push those who mean us well to the side; because in our minds, we know they'll always be there. We realize that no matter how bad we may treat them they will stay by our side; and with that way of thinking, we will find ourselves alone. If you don't believe me then try it and see what will happen.

 

    I've always taken pride in the fact that I'm a loyal person; that in someone's darkest hours in their lives I would be there for them, to constantly be there whenever they needed me to be. How I learned so quickly that people don't necessarily do for you what you may do for them. What may be 110% that you invest in someone that person may just literally give you 10% and expect you to just be fine with that. Now if we're talking numbers and figures amount, that would totally be dissatisfying. But if I'm going to be honest that's exactly what I've probably accepted from people before. I feel like when you're a person who's got a lot of loyalty within yourself you tend to just give of yourself without a thought of thinking about what your own best interests are. You shut down all feelings and emotions that have anything to do with you and tend to take on the problems and issues of those you care about. When in reality for a lot of people; those you invest so much time and energy into, 9/10 times will do whatever is best for themselves without even thinking about you. And for some (including myself) that has been a disheartening truth to come to grips with whether you want to or not.

    The sad truth is people probably won't give a damn about you the way you probably will when it's them, especially if you're an extremely loyal person. Realistically in a lot of scenarios you may be the one who gives more then someone else does. But that doesn't make you stupid or dumb for being who you are. I've always believed that life has a funny way of just changing the rules we play in life. What I mean by that is for awhile you may be the one on the receiving end of continuous disappointments from people who don't value you or what you bring to the table. They may even take advantage of your good nature and use you every chance that they get. You've just got to remember that life has a way of shifting the favor. Those that find it ok to use and manipulate you will definitely get back that karma they've put into the atmosphere. 

      There is not a soul on this earth that has a conscience and understands the difference between right and wrong, that won't get back what they have given out. I tend to always make my mother and sisters laugh when I say "the ass you kick today may be the ass you have to kiss tomorrow". I feel like nobody really thinks about that when they are treating a person the way they wouldn't want to be treated. I feel like people have that "it won't be me" mentality. LORD knows I've gotten my share of necessary karma back from all the things I've done to others. It's human nature to mess up, but the adult thing to do is to rectify what you've done. You can't be strong and wrong and stand firm in your wrongness, life doesn't work that way.

    All I will say is this, be the type of person to others that you would want others to be to you. Treat people with the respect and decency we ALL deserve to have given to us. Loyalty is a powerful  thing and you should appreciate it. When you've got someone who's loyal don't take them for granted. Just remember that when karma comes she's coming to right all the wrongs that were done, and I'm for certain you don't want to be on her list of deeds she may have to rectify. Just something for you to think about it....