Farewell 2014

Farewell 2014 you taught me a lot; to be a better father, man and how to play my part. I knew from the start it was going to be a roller coaster ride, because those there in the "beginning" are no longer here by my side. Some things happened for the worse other things for the better, now 2015 for me is all about happiness, peace, marriage, mula; yes the cheddar! It's all about compromise, communication, honesty and respect. And being the bigger man even if others manage to show disrespect. I've had a lot of laughs and I can't forget the tears but I'm pretty sure 2015 will be one of the best years! So farewell 2014 it has definitely been a blast, but 2015 is finally on its way at last!!

Don't be fooled, just keep on reading

       I just want to be everything to you, but I can't be everything to everyone. My heart is big; but It's not something that everyone has the pleasure of having. I know that I will fuck up, say things, do things; maybe even make you cry, but I'm worth it. I'm not perfect but I make life worth it. I have a heart that's big as the tallest building but my love isn't as deep as the abyss. I can't be everything to everyone because I'm only ONE person. We tend to always talk about the women in our lives who give and do so much, and I genuinely commend them. But what about the good men out there that seemingly get overlooked? What about the Fathers, brothers, sons, boyfriends and husbands that handle their business in any and every scenario possible? It's always been interesting to me to see women take the opportunity on social media to commend seeing posts and pictures that express how men should cater to their needs and be available to do any and everything that their hearts desires. That all men are dogs and a man should be proud to have her because she's "a blessing from above" . Well here is a post that will give anyone (specifically speaking to women right now) who believe this way of thinking applies in all situations will wind up alone; or better yet, stay alone. A relationship is all about GIVE and TAKE, not just giving or not just taking. It's about a significant level of balance on both ends of the spectrum. Now I am a man that was raised by strong women his entire life. So I for one know far too well what a strong, independent black woman looks like. My mother, grandmother, sisters and Aunts deserve the world and so much more because they did and still do so much. 

       I would never let anyone disrespect or treat them less then great because they are great women; but the way we were all raised, we were taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. To listen, communicate and respect the way Inwhich we expect others to do for us. Frankly I feel women want to talk and never listen, to express but not want to be expressed to and they want you to show them emotions but tell you that you're way too sensitive when you express you are being mistreated by them. I can admit that women get the short end of the stick in quite a few scenarios; however, that doesn't justify the fact that you should cater to your man if you want to be catered to. Now I am not talking about the women catering to a man who does nothing for you emotionally, mentally or physically. That's not a real relationship and not only is it unhealthy; but it will lead to resentment and hatred and cause cheating, and I don't condone that behavior no matter who's doing it. Your love life won't always be filled with kisses and hugs, and honestly it's not suppose to be. But there should be more moments of happiness and smiles then anything else. I can only speak for myself when I say this; I don't expect my significant other to do for me what I do for her every time I do something for her, but I do expect her to do for me the way I do for her. What I mean by that is if I give 100% I expect 100% in return. I've always hated hearing when people say "relationships are based off both giving 50/50". My response right after I hear that is "if both people give 50% then really we're only giving half of what we should in that relationship". 

       People don't realize that it's truly power in words! That what you say to someone can make or break that person. It can alter the very fiber of who they are forever. My mother often told my two sisters and I as children; even now as adults, that it's not what you say it's how you say things. My mother also has told us that sorry doesn't always make situations better; and I'll add on to that by saying, at times the damage has already been done once you spew out that unnecessary hatred you may feel temporaryly. In the heat of the moment we ALL say things we may not mean or fully mean, but it doesn't justify saying it because you're upset at that moment. In that moment you can say something that cuts so deep that person you knew may be someone totally different. It's power in the tongue; and if you have read the bible, clearly it expresses that often throughout passages in the bible. 

       I will say this though; love is a constant battle, and I don't mean arguing or fighting, but a constant changing agent. A union between two people who love one another and will do whatever it takes to preserve what they have. Sometimes in life we tend to take one another for granted. You become so use to having that person around that you become content. Honestly I feel like you get so content that you forgot about that moment you two fell in love. You forgot about how you use to have butterflies every time you heard their name or whenever you saw them. You get so deep into everything that you want and expect to have, allowing yourself to overlook what's right in front of you. When did "WE" turn into "ME"? You've got to swallow your pride and realize that what you have is worth more then the most expensive artifact in the world. I speak from experience when I say that you must adore and appreciate the the little things in life. Don't be so wrapped up in trying to gain the world and lose sight of the ones you hold dear in YOUR OWN WORLD! 

      As a man its human nature for us to be hesitant to be the bigger person and apologize; even if to a certain degree we didn't do something wrong, and it was you that did it. Just don't make it worse by making us feel more bad then we already do. As my sister Autumn has told me; "be graceful when you're right", it's really no reason to make a bad situation. Communication, Respect and Honesty are the three key components in a relationship that seem to get overlooked by people. The deciding factor to me is who can be the bigger person and say they apologize? When you love someone you love them for who they are and not what you can gain from them. It is so rare to have people love each other for no other reason but for the reason of love. It seems to me like people of my generation hold so much emphasis on gaining something because of fear of losing everything. Seeing it happen to their parent or friends or even themselves. It's almost like you're expecting so much because you're fearful that that person will give you nothing back. But like pookie (my mrs) always tells me; "you've got to give for all the right reasons, because people won't always give you back what you've given to them". Frankly she's right! When you cater to or give your loved one something; do it because you want to reassure them of your love for them, and not a ego booster. If I've lost you for a split second; what I mean is don't do anything so you can throw it up later, making it seem like you're so great. You really may be, but do it because you just want to see your loved one happy!

     I know that Eva (my mrs) loves me and there's no one that can express otherwise to me. I've taken her for granted in a lot of instances. She's been the ONLY woman in my life that I've been in a committed relationship with that has loved me for ME! Not for what she can gain or what I can give her, but for me. I remember when I lost my job from a company that let me go due to racism. I felt less then a man because I was use to being a man who provides and she continued to stay with me. That was at the beginning of our relationship; which was a testament to me, which made me realize that she wasn't into me because I was making a lot of money but for the fact I made her laugh and smile. Happiness is key and without it you can lose yourself or maybe even those who mean the world to you. I remember when I would say "I don't want to gain the world, I just want to matter in it". Frankly I still do; but if I don't have the love from my pookie and my daughter and my mother and sisters, fuck everything else! What I do know is I have NEVER loved and will NEVER love another woman the way I love MY pookie bear! Her love is boundless and no one can tell me otherwise. You know who was always there and who never really was there when you are at your lowest. 

        I do hope that I have given someone the opportunity to realize what they have and cherish it, because life has a way of taking away who or what you take for granted. Cater to the ones you love and give of yourself continuously! With us losing twins due to doctor malpractice, dealing with losing family members and a slew of other craziness her love still remains. With love like that I see why I've had to endure so much to get who I'm blessed to have! Hard times build strong people, we endure much to acquire much in the end. Be scared to lose the ones you love because they mean that much to you. NEVER take people for granted especially when you love them...

Why do you clutch your purse when you see me?

My skin tone may not be as dark as night but often I fight with forces seen and unseen; that are out to destroy me even if my mission in life is to better myself, my loved ones and those around me. I live eat and breath bettering myself to the best of my ability, I don't want to hurt or harm a soul because my main goal in life is to strive for excellence. But why do you clutch your purse when you see me? Am I truly a threat to you? Does my skin tone alarm you like a sign that clearly says "colored only"? Because obviously my color offends people for reasons they probably don't know the answer to. Do I strike you as a thief? Does my appareance give you a reason to believe I want to take from you? It's interesting to look at the news and see that the only ones in the judicial system are either as black as night, have a hue as brown as caramel or have features that resemble ancestors who have fought so hard to make sure I have rights that never really seem to be given to me "fairly". So if you clutch your purse when you see me; shame on you, because I am not who you believe I am because my hue isn't as white as snow? My grandmother expressed to me long ago that "there is no such thing as race, the ONLY RACE is the HUMAN RACE"! It's sad that you will never know that I am the same as you, the only thing that truly does distinguish us apart is our struggles in life. So the next time you clutch your purse when you see me; ask yourself this question, is he really the problem in this world? Or am I adding to the problem In a world already being bias, when I clutch my purse...?

September 2nd

       I loved you and never knew you, a seed that would have sprouted the way I know you could have if given the opportunity. And though I am hurt beyond measure that you are not here for me to believe in you; and watch you grow into something great, I guess GOD had other plans for you. A plan that was bigger then me wanting you here to call my own. You made me realize how much of a man I really am; that I have to learn to believe in myself way more then I was going to believe in you, that I had to love myself a little more then I do right now. I hate myself because I feel like it was my fault you're not here but realistically it isn't. Even right now as I write its like a knife pierced my heart, and the tears won't stop rolling down my face. But it is because of you showing me; even with you not even physically here, made me grow up and stop procrastinating. I was once told that a man doesn't start being a father until the baby is born, but with all that has happened I realize how much of an untrue statement that truly is. I was stepping up to the plate way before you were conceived, way before I even knew you were in the process of being made. All you did was make me reassure myself that as much as I thought I was evolving, you could transform me even the more. This isn't fair and though I felt like GOD didn't care about how this would make me feel; I would much rather you be up there watching over me from heaven, guiding my steps and thoughts, rooting me on when everyone else is expecting me demise. So when its time for us to have another little one, we will accept all that we have lost, and appreciate what we have even the more. I love you Son, and thank you for teaching me about myself. Thank you for teaching me that as much as life may be cruel to us, it has a funny way of being true to us even if we don't want to believe. This nightmare shed light on the darkness I held over my head for long. You were the balance to my complicated life and for that I am forever indebted to you. I prayed for a miracle and you were that; and though I close this chapter in my page of life, I open up to the next one that will continue to teach me to be s better man.
Remember that I Love you Always and forever, to the unborn child I wasn't able to have....Daddy will keep believing; reaching pinnacles unheard of because  you, and how much you believe in me. This isn't Good bye, but more like I'll see you later... <3

GOD, why did you make me BLACK?

     GOD may I ask you a question? Why did you make me? Why did you love me? And why did you allow your "only begotten Son" to die for my sins? What made me so special and unique to be able to think the way that I do? Why do you love me; but why allow those that hate me so, to hurt me? Why did you make me black? Why did you allow slavery to last for hundreds of years; yet the physical chains no longer in plain sight, the mental bondage I have within me I struggle with so I don't conform to what I'm suppose to do to bigotry. At times I hate you because the things you do is like a witness to a crime that does nothing but sit back and watch. Yet in other instances you're like a parent merely guiding me in the direction of understanding who I truly am. What is good and who is truly evil? What is evil, but are they really good? The things I thought I knew seem to become such a contridiction the older I become. It just seems to me like a complicated puzzle piece that will never truly come together until I fathom that fact that all that I seem to believe I understand is not really what it is. It's the underlying piece that can't be seen with the naked eye that is the truth, and not the surface piece that I'm forever to bare witness to, that has no real purpose in the first place. The fact that we as people give titles and importance to insignificant things; only proves that we won't ever truly understand one another the way we could, if we just respected what the other thought or felt, even if it wasn't our own ideas. The sad part I have come to realize is even if we didn't find importance in race, religion, color, social classes or beliefs; we would still find a reason to make the other seem inferior or superior, because what would define us would only be how we view things. The fact the one person sees the glass as half full while the other finds it half empty; when in fact the only true importance is realizing that there's a cup there to begin with. Why is it an issue to ask why? Why is it such an issue for a person to want to believe in the the things unseen and not yet formed; and is this truly such an outlandish way of thinking? Is it really a far out way of thinking, or is it just a way for those who are inferior to place those truly superior in a box? 

       The fear of the "unknown" is what people fear the most. The things that they themselves can not control or manipulate because they were not the ones to create or enforce whatever it was that was unique in the first place. And when I say "they" I mean those too afraid to tap into their fullest potential, so they make you feel like your potential in unattainable. The ones who just made the mark or don't want to be anything more then they already are. The people who hate who they are but hate the ones who want to be more then who they already are in the first place. What really makes a person who is rich better then a person who is poor? NOTHING! But how you ask? Because WE give value to things that have NO value in the first place. The reason why there is such thing as a government and rules and rich and poor is because there are people who chose to make things that they want others to believe as "structured". But is this structure that seems to be enforced and seemingly effortlessly put into place made to help us or is it really a hindrance? The fact that we have police officers who are put into an academy for eighteen months to be taught to protect and to serve us are the same people out to hurt hurt us. Targeting a certain set of people just because they are different? Doesn't that sound almost like Al Qaeda? What makes the ones who are considered "Law Enforcement" so difference to those who are Into intense radicalism and the inhalation of people for no justifiable reason; oh I know why, because they are upholding to the law right? Yet the same laws that were teaching these "cops" courtesy, professionalism and respect are putting tears to the faces of mothers and fathers to parents like those of Michael Brown. Where's the justice in hurting innocent people? Where's the CPR way of life in all that unnecessary chaos the police seem to be getting away of?

       Though the chains are long gone; and one man can't be sold to another, black mothers fear that their sons will be sold to the highest bidder that is irreversible to come back from....death! And the Angel of death is definitely meeting the quota by not having a shortage of black males to take along with him. I'm just a Black male in America trying to not only find my place in this world but make a difference while I'm in it. I don't come from wealth and I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but I have been destined to do things that others said couldn't be done. If we're going to go by what society has stated; I'm suppose to be a criminal, dead or living the rest of my life as a felon. I'm twenty-six years old now and I've never even been to prison or have a record. No felony nor misdemeanor no nothing. Just a man who is in love with his wife and kids and family. So I should be marked a criminal just because of the hue of my flesh? I am as good as a slave almost because my ancestors were? I like to tell people that slaves were not on those ships being shipped to places all over this world several hundred years ago. They were doctors and lawyers, architects and entrepreneurs, scientist, mothers and fathers, NOT SLAVES! They were simply being oppressed by people too inferior to realize that the only reason they feared these people is because they were much more superior then they were. These people made social classes and made math and science. They did things that others were too afraid to do themselves. So what happened was they were taken into slavery to rebuild things that those who oppressed them could NEVER create in one-thousand lifetimes if they tried to. And that is how America was recreated into the seemingly global phenomena it is now. On the backs and oppression of fearless and brave individuals such as African Americans. A group of people who don't know where they were rooted from, who their ancestors are and whom they are. 

       I am more then my skintone and hue, I am not a nigger or a nigga, I am not a thief or a criminal either. All I am is a man who wants to change the world and help build and do things that help and benefit others. So the real question I have to ask GOD is why did he make me black? Well the answer is simple, GOD only gives his most difficult tasks to his most worthy, and only those who are brave and fearless would be graced to be what I am. This world is cruel and unforgiving, but the first will be last and the last shall be first. Black people have reigned at the top since the beginning of civilization; then for a few hundred years we had to go through hardships, and now we are actually heading back to our proper place on the balance of life. And the government and those in "high places" will do everything in what they consider to be power tear us down; but you've got to be ready, ready to be great at all costs. But when it's all said and done just remember this; it isn't how many times your are at the top that matters, but how many times you rise from the bottom and get to the top! So why did GOD made me Black? It is because I continue on even when all that I have seems to be nonexistent. Even when I'm put in a box I stand out and keep going even when all hope seems lost. I will leave you with this final thought; something I truly believe in and live by, and that is "The one who's fallen and gotten up, is much stronger then the one who's never fallen at all". 

Distance

Do you trust me? Do you even love me? Are you afraid of what we are or what we may be? See I love you; deeper then the abyss, and I embrace the feelings I feel that I've never felt before...YOU. Sometimes shit hurts, but nothing hurts more then the love you have for someone more then you have for yourself and they don't see it. And not because they can't; but they're not even able to see their own self worth, even if you handed them a mirror. Whoever said that physical pain hurts never has been in love before, and whoever said that in times wounds will heal; has never been so deeply scarred by love, that they're too blind to see that the pain is there even if they had 20/20 vision. How do you know when it's enough? When to call it quits? When to let go no matter how hurtful it is. Money is the root of all evil, but the pain of a broken heart can make even the quietest of mean meaner then Satan. I would give you my soul if you asked for it; the clothes off my Back if you needed it, but all you remember is what I wasn't able to do. How I wasn't there; and not because I didn't want to be, but because I wasn't the one to give you all that pain you hold onto so much. It's funny how feelings can change everything even when you don't want them to. How you're able to be a different person because of the love you have for that "special someone". Am I even someone special to you? And all that you said when you were mad was it true? Is everything that you said you'll do you will do? Life; the single most complicated piece to a bigger picture, we are at times too stupid to realize for our own selfish, self serving reasons. And what are you truly afraid of? To love and to be loved back? Know yourself and self worth, because that's definitely a picture worth a thousand words.....

Love thy neighbor; but Love thyself FIRST!

   Trapped in my own thoughts, wondering if I can ever amount to the expectations set by those around me. Am I man enough for the woman I have? Am I a good son, brother, nephew, father and friend? It's funny because I've seen myself as this great guy; and in many instances I am, but seeking perfection is impossible when there is no such thing. Trying to be everything to everyone is impossible, especially when you try to please everyone. You can go crazy trying to put a smile on the faces of everybody when nobody cares about your own. I ask myself why do I hold onto people who aren't worth holding on to? Honestly it stems from feeling like people gave up on me In my past, and at times in my present; and I'm quite certain in my future people will give up on me as we'll. Frankly that's life; I'm nowhere near being negative either, it's just a fact. I found myself seeking validation from people with more issues then me and even more broken then myself. It's heartwrenching longing for acceptance from individuals that you'll truly NEVER receive from, no matter how great you may be to them.

   I wanted certain people in my life even when they hurt me; I thought to myself as long as they were there, I was fine with whatever was done to me. But how is that even a way to live, or even a way to force yourself to live? How can you allow ANYONE to do and say things to you they would NEVER allow you to do to them? When you never come to grips with things and continue to make excuses about situations; and never change them, you're only lying to yourself. At some point even lying to yourself becomes second nature, because in your mind, even if deep down you know it won't change; you believe that person will do something different and treat you the way you treat them. How can you give of yourself so freely and accept undeserved pain? Because of Love? Love is an action, an emotion, a word and phrase; a thought we believe we all know, and a feeling we never want to live without. I can't tell you how many times I've lied to myself knowing I never loved myself the way I should have. Self love is the first love we neglect; we seek love of others instead because we believe without the love of another we are nothing. But how can there be a "We" if YOU don't love yourself wholeheartedly?

    When did we get to the point to accept things we know aren't good for us? When did I get to the point of trying to be everything to everyone; trying to save everybody, when I can't even save myself. Why do I hold on? Why should I hold on? The void I try to fill with the longing love and administration from those I care about was unfortunate at times really. I wanted to feel like I was important, that I was needed and desired. It may sound crazy to you but at least I'm honest about that. At least I realize where my actions and thoughts, demeanor and feelings, and persona I gave off stemed from. Who are you to judge? Why should I care what your views of me are? Honestly we seek way too much validation from people who mean us harm. People that should mean nothing to us, but people whom we hold in such high regards and we need not do so. It's embedded in our minds by other people that we NEED to be liked by everybody. That it's important to always be the one that people long for. And even now as I write this and I'm reading it at the same time it makes no damn sense whatsoever. How can you be willing to do whatever it takes for people to accept you, that you lose sight of your own identity? People are so willing to transform every ounce of who they are to themselves to appease others that they are willing to pretend to be someone else to be liked. How can you live that type of life and not find yourself broken? I'm confused about this now but many years earlier I was that person who cared too much about the thoughts of others. It was almost like I was wearing blindfolds everyday of my life; because I was willing to mask my identity that fit who I was, for an identity everyone else thought that I should have. At this point in my life I'm by myself MOST of the time, which was something I've become accustomed to as I've become a man. As a child; up until about nineteen or twenty, I felt like I needed a bunch of people around me. Again feeling like that equated to being important or feeling validated. A plethora of situations definitely showed me that meant nothing. My mother would always say that if I could count on one hand how many people I could expect to be there for me in my life, I was truly blessed. Some situations have strength in numbers, but when it comes to friendships and relationships of all kinds; all that truly matters is who will be there, not how many. That was a truth I had to come to grips with, and I was willing to accept it.

    Seems like life goes by so quickly; It feels like yesterday I just turned twenty-five on June 24th, and I ask myself what did I really accomplish? I thought about that even more when an old classmate and I were conversing. He said to me he felt like he needed to go back to school because he didn't really do all he thought he would have accomplished by now. I started to second guess aspects of my life and asked myself a similar question. Everyone has a different walk in life, we don't have to all do the same things to be successful. I feel like God has prepared me to be one of the top CEO's in the world! To be successful and wealthy but never getting beside myself. True success comes from giving back, not just taking. It was always important to me to place myself around people who are ambitious. The type of people that don't just settle for what everyone else believes success is. That person that will do whatever it takes to excel even when everyone else tries to convince them it can't be done. I use to weigh how successful I wasn't to how success I believed everyone else was (at the time) until I realized my walk in life wasn't everyone else's walk in life and vice versa. The problem with MOST people is we worry way too much about how better off everyone else is then we are, when we should use that same keen sense of vision we have on someone else's success; and apply 1000 times as much on our own. Do you really think the billionaires of this world felt like giving up? Of course they did! But what would have happened if they did? GOD only knows, but they didn't; and they kept going even when everyone else said it wasn't going to happen. 

      Even as I sit here in my room, on my bed in deep thought about my life and all that I have accomplished; I realize that I am still evolving as an individual. I've always taken pride in the fact that I have immense wisdom, intelligence and leadership qualities. I even realize I have the type of personality that is aggressive and I apply myself to the best of my ability to get things done. I even realize that I have immense influence on other people, even if they are what others consider important or those who's authority is higher then my own. Jesus was a man who was a fisherman, he wasn't a King or a senator or a man of "high importance" in the eyes of society at that time; but he was able to do things that seemed impossible by others. I genuinely want whoever is reading this to take a look in the mirror and remind yourself of how great you truly are. That despite how unimportant you may feel or others try to make you feel; you are the most important person in the world, because it's only one of you! That you're unique and different, and those flaws you attack yourself with daily; will be those very same flaws that help other people realize that you're even greater then they wanted to give you credit for. Remember that love of self is the most important love you can have; because when you fall in love with yourself, it will be easier to give love to others. Though it took me quite a few years to finally realize that, I pray my friend that it takes you much sooner to realize importance of SELF LOVE!    

I Hate You?

         I hate you! The way you make me feel and the way that I act because of you. I can't help what I feel and what you make me do without even trying to. The level of extasty that I am able to feel because of you is unimaginable, then in other instances the pain I feel because of you is just too unbearable. But I can't live without you even if I tried my best to, and I'm incomplete without you because you're what makes me who I am. It took me almost seemingly forever to accept you for who you are and what you are able to do to me and for me. At times I feel like you're my poison, while other times I feel like you're my cure to all this hate around me. Why must you be so complicated? Why can't you just leave me alone and let me live life the way I want to without a care in the world? But you're not bad for me; it's just that you confuse me. At times you make me say and do things I don't even mean, while other times I say what I meant temporarily while I regret later on what I expressed. You're like a ticking time bomb; but with time at times you can heal. Sometimes I'm confused because of you while other times I'm more then sure what needs to be done. You're just inconsistent but consistently you're consistent on a constant basis with the things that you do. But is that how the heart should make one feel.......?

Thank you for your Mistakes

       Everyday that I wake up I find myself trying to figure out what it is that I am destined to do. I have a great relationship; my mother and I get along with one another so much better then we use to, I have a great job that I have enough money; to provide for myself, and the family I find myself building. But I'm still unfulfilled because I feel like there's so much more; it's almost like that unfulfilling feeling you get when eat good food but you want more. You ever got to that crossroad in life where you're not exactly where you would like to be but you're right there on the brink of something great? That all that you've hoped, dreamed and desired is right there for the taking? The moment where dreams are no longer thoughts deep within yourself, but actually right there for you to have them formulate into something others said could never happen? The possibilities are only endless when we begin to believe they are; when we put that fearful factor away, and give those dreams we have given life, feet to roam free. I use to hate the person I was; the man I saw in the mirror everyday of my because I didn't believe in my own greatness and potential. I thought I would spend the rest of my life trying to be what others thought that I should be. Then one day; when I was tired of dealing with fear and the opinions of others, I started to do what I wanted to do, and not worry about what others thought I should do. I began to love myself even if no one else would. Then all that I believed I could do, I never gave up on those beliefs; and then...I transformed. I transformed like a caterpillar to a butterfly; a boy to a man, but I genuinely changed for the better. I've realized more and more that things may never happen when you actually want them to; but when they finally happen, they ALWAYS happen whenever you need them to, and it's all for your betterment. 

       I remember when one of my sisters said to me; in one of our many conversations, that she didn't want any man that could not show his emotions. That couldn't cry when he felt pain; that couldn't say that he loved her whenever that's what he felt. Now that I think about it, my father never seemed to express any of that that my sister said she wanted in a man. My father seems to be that missing link in this seemingly complicated puzzle I call my life. I miss my father, and I can genuinely say that mean it this day. I wish I could talk to my father and express to him; man to man, that I am disappointed in his decisions. That I expected him to love me and be there for me just like my mother was and still is. That all that I have learned to be as a man has nothing to do with him, and it's somewhat hurtful. However; If I am to be honest, I am partly the man I am today because of his abandonment of responsibilities as a parent to me. His physical and mental abuse is what strived me to love without any condition and to give of my heart wholeheartedly. I have a Queen that I would never cheat on; that I love with ALL my heart and soul, whom I will grow old with and spend the rest of my life with. We have a little princess that I love; that I teach everyday she is a remarkable individual, that she's smart and precious and I love her no matter what mistakes she finds herself making. My dad never even told me he loved me; he never hugged me or told me I was smart and had much to offer the world and it hurt my soul. I'm not expecting pity or that "awww moment". What I do hope for is if you're this kind of man or woman; stop doing this today. Be the parent to your child that they need you to be. Be their light at the end of their tunnel when all seems dark and hopeless. Love them unconditionally even when they don't love or believe in themselves. Because they can be broken like I was, hateful like I use to be, and go down that path in life that they didn't even have to if you were there to say I LOVE YOU even if they didn't love themselves. 

       I love you dad; even though I feel like you never expressed your love to me. I'm here even if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to believe in you, though you never believed in me. And I genuinely forgive you even though you never forgave yourself for what you did to me. You've got to let what has happened to you go because you will never be able to be the man you we're suppose to be if you don't. You must believe that GOD can fix anything because he has fixed me. And all I have aspired to be is because of your lack of being there. And I don't say any of this because of anger or hurt; I say this because you know I am right, so make your wrongs right by admitting what you're too afraid to admit to yourself, which is you're hurt. That you want to cry and love and give what was never given to you because your father abandoned you too. Forgive your father; because I have forgiven mine already. And I promise I will NEVER make the same mistakes that you did; I will never forget those that mean the world to be like you have, but I will be strong like you are because I am you and you are what I will never be, which is scared to love. But it's not your fault because the one who should have showed you to tie a tie, and love a woman and take care of his family was never there like you weren't there for us. But I want to leave you with this thought though; mistakes man us human, and life won't always be easy, but the decision to right those wrongs will only lead us to change for the better. Not only for ourselves but for those who look up to us. And even when we fuck up and make those mistakes, WE have to make sure we are able to deal with those consequences for our actions. Sometimes Goodbyes aren't always forever; but new beginnings of change can happen when we attempt to create that change. So I chose to be the man you should have been for me, but I thank you for making me realize that even though you were nowhere to be found. I love you dad; and thank you for your mistakes...

Two Steps Away

Greatness; where does is derive from? Is it courage? Is it believing in yourself even when no one else does? Is it conquering all the odds? Is it making the impossible possible? Or is it all those things and so much more? Questions I ask myself on a constant basis; on the brink of greatness, but needing to take two steps more before I actually get there. Looking at people who I thought meant the world to me, but I was only a convenience for them. Believing in those even when they didn't believe in themselves, but having them doubt every decision; dream and aspiration I have, that I myself can not even see. To lie and say at times I don't doubt my own potential would be a farce, but I'm only human. To know that some of those I hold so close to me will be those long forgotten hurts me more then not excelling. I am fearful of pushing myself to my highest potential because I feel like I will lose those I hold so near and dear to me heart; but realistically if I lose them, they were really never meant to be there anyway...right? Balancing what I need to do because what I want to do at this moment isn't ready yet. The moment where my need to's will be my want to's. Does is make me ungrateful that I make good money and have a good job and can provide the way I need to; but that's not what I want to do for the rest of my life? That I see myself owning businesses and being very wealthy for myself and those I love and care for; but don't want to make someone else richer? "Persistent Men Excel" is the motto I live by, the mantra I explain to myself everyday that I clock into someone else's company I feel like I'm far better then on EVERY LEVEL. The visions I see, the way that I feel when I talk about building companies that I know plenty of those around me don't believe will EVER come into fruition. But I continue to keep on striving because I can feel it; I'm almost there, so why would I stop? Dreams can only become a movement if you breath life Into them, and give them feet to move. So what am I waiting for?

The "Portrayal"

I'm trying to balance being a man and the man I want to be and see the future even before it's here. I Don't believe in complacency but I'm comtiplating on the next level you see. The here and now isn't even good enough for me and I don't care who I could have been but more so who I am going to be. Would I sell my soul just to get what I deserve? Balancing life like I'm standing on a tightrope... Praying for hope hoping what I pray for comes into fruition. Banking that the fruits of my labor will be ripe enough to blossom into the prosperity I so long and hope for. I have a girlfriend I love more then my own self, I would bleed the last ounce of my own blood into her veins if that would keep her alive and that's all I had to give her. This love is like a never ending stream of the deepest rivers of the abyss. And when we make love GOD is there watching us as we lose ourselves into each other. Intertwing like a knot to a string forming into a bow. This woman has made me want to be a better man to her and my daughter. And I'm scared I'll never be a good enough father because my father never was to me. Blood doesn't make you blood just like reading the bible doesn't make you a saint. Sometimes sinning is the only way to win; I mean look at those who are rich. And what's crazy is we all long for wealth. And every rich person isn't a sinner and every poor person isn't a saint, and sometimes the wolf is the sheep and life is too deep to even understand. When you pray to a GOD you can't even see and try to understand a religion that's been made up when scientist say that the Big Bang theory created this world and I go to church and the Pastor is preaching Jesus walked on water and died for all our sins, but the sinners seem to be the winners? As confusing and jumbled up these thoughts I have are; they make sense. I'm from a city where there are millions who all have the same wants and desires but have different ways of getting it. We ALL deal with Life & Death; two never ending cycles we can't interrupt. The skin I'm in I want to be able to win in this never ending battle to the top that only a few seem to be able to get to. I believe in me even if you won't...I don't expect sympathy; and at times my pride will get in the way but the heart of a man doesn't always define who he is, because we have to adapt to our situations. Always evolving because only the strong survive? I guess even when my ancestors were forced to be in bondage and chains for the rest of their lives, I seem to be here. Expressing thoughts and visions a slave master hundreds of years earlier said couldn't be uttered becaue he couldn't fathom the fact that he is an albino black man? That his skin is only as light as it is because he had to adapt to the cold climate thousands of years earlier? And what I speak of is far from racist but rather a truth too hard to understand to that slave master; so he beats it out of you because he can't put his finger around how he can torment you everyday GOD allows the sun to shine, and you continue to keep your head held high even if your body is broken. I am the direct descendant of KINGS & QUEENS who built pyramids that people said couldn't be made; so they said aliens built them. I share a bloodline to the creators of Math and science, engineers, scholars and authors and individuals of substance. At the end of the day wherever my mind roams off to I remember that I'm not just a man trying to make it; but I am a Legacy that must carry on for the sake the future that those before me couldn't have. My History won't be HIS STORY to tell, but my life will speak for itself. And even when I'm an old man playing with my great great great grandkids, I'll remember that true wealth isn't the value of a dollar but how much value you make that dollar to be. NOTHING has value unless we give it the power to, so there's really no such thing as rich or poor but the value Inwhich we give those labels we portray as life....just think about it.