Thin line between wants & needs

I'm battling two sides; the part that knows what I need and the part that knows what I want. You're what I want, who I see a bright future with. The one I want to grow old with, have kids with and get married to. You're the one I want to make love to; look deep into your eyes and let myself go as we connect deeper then we ever thought possible. But are what I need though? I need to make this money, set up my future and build a legacy. I need to provide for myself and my family so we will NEVER have to want for anything. I need to build these companies; build a strong team that strives for excellence, do everything that the non-believers said couldn't be done. I need to stop being so impatient about my future and what it will bring me. I want to give up on dreams because I need to wake up; they may not even happen. But I need to keep on trying because I'm right on the cusp of a break through. I want you to be here by my side holding me down, but I need to let you go because this is journey I have to take alone. Sometimes what we want and need aren't what we think they are but it's up to you to figure that out. It's a thin line between wants and needs; at times those wants are what we need them to be, and those needs are what we want them to be, but we're unsure. It's a battle between the heart and the brain. Wondering should we use our logic or go on pure emotion. We all come at a crossroad in life where we have to decipher the importance of both our wants and needs. It's honestly about keeping a balance; but can it even be done? Sometimes we have to let go of our needs to get what we want. Sometimes the wants have to be put on hold to go after what we'll need. Either way you slice it life is just one big movie, and we have to figure out the ending before the credits roll. Have you figured it out yet.....?

My Plight with America

  I find myself waking up often.  wondering exactly what my purpose is. Am I fulfilling exactly what I am destined to do? Or am I just content with complaceny; conforming to being complacent because of my fears of my own progression? Fearful that maybe what I'm going after may not even make me great. It's often stated that we fear the unknown because we are not sure exactly what it will bring or where it will take us. I on the other hand have an inkling where my progression will take me, I just don't want to fail. I don't want all the tears, heartache, trails and tribulations to be in vein because of a "dream". So much has happened to me, I've lost so much and have grown up. I just turned twenty-five on June 24th, and I look back and ask myself what have I sincerely fulfilled?

   To be honest that definitely is a pessimistic way of thinking; but for me to sit and act like I don't have moments of doubt like I do at this point in my life would be a farce. I live life and love just like everyone else. I enjoy the fruits of my labor and want a family, to be married and be successful just like everyone else.
What makes me different from everyone else is I don't have the luxury of just giving up, for a lot of different reasons. One of those reasons being that I am a Male of African Decent (African American). To some this may mean nothing, to me this means everything. Why you ask? Well I'll explain the best way possible.

  I find myself reading all types of things, trying to inform myself with as much knowledge as possible. Like all muscles of the body you have to train your mind often; giving it as many supplements as it can handle. Pushing it to it's limits so you can have the results you deserve. I said all that to say that knowledge is power and without it you can find yourself misinformed about plenty. Now whether people want to hear it or believe it we don't live in world where African Americans are so accepted, especially the males who are black. I'm not saying this from a close minded perspective or pessimism, it's a fact. I myself have gone through MANY situations where I have been treated differently or viewed in a particular way until I have opened my mouth or expressed myself.

  I sincerely believe that people believe exactly what they hear in the news; on the television, in the papers, on the internet. Any platform where a plethora of people can read it or see it I guarantee that a negative stigma about African Americans will be displayed. Sadly in some ways African Americans are to blame because we ALLOW people to stamp us and do nothing to change that. We just accept it because we're tired of defending ourselves from people who don't care if what is being stated is false.

  Before someone tries to twist what I am saying around I am not saying every black person is doing this; it is specifically to those who are, but we ALL as people of African Decent must genuinely take a stand. The many injustices faced on a regular is mind blowing. From the police, the media, other people and in some ways how we treat one another disgusts me. I read something today called "A letter from the Ku Klux Klan" that was disheartening; but what was sad was what they were saying was accurate. Not 110% but partly and it angered me.

   This issue of "race" in our society seems to have gotten worse. It doesn't matter that our president is black or that the 27 Amendments were formed; or it doesn't matter that the Emancipation Proclamation was made, we live in a society of racism and bigotry. It's amongst each other with the bs of "light skin" Vs "dark skin"and who's better or worse. The fact that it is already predestined that as a Black male you will probably be incarcerated, be a "baby daddy" and have no education. We have been conditioned to hate and fear the police and they have been conditioned to fear and hate us.

   It seems to be fine if you execute or slaughter all in the name of "justice". But when you look deep down inside yourself; exactly what injustices are you protecting society from? Who exactly are committing things that would make you feel like you need some level of protection from? I bet some people have already gotten an idea as to who, and though you may not admit it externally, internally you have already stated it.
We live in a society where prejudice is thriving but we sit and accept it and act like it's the norm which is unfortunate.

   I am twenty-five years old and my mother is still afraid every time I leave her house. I don't want to live in a world where I have to be afraid that someone may shoot me or that I'll be imprisoned because of racial profiling. Who wants to live in a world where the ONLY reason I may be able to get a good job; even when I'm very qualified, is because the company has to seem like it's an "equal opportunity employer." Some may say "Derrick you are looking far too deep into the situation, everyone isn't a racist." That part I am well aware, but until you have walked in my shoes and the shoes of others who are black like me; then you can't tell me without exactly saying it "get over it".

   Issues of slavery, false imprisonment, racial profiling, the list can go on until my fingers go numb from writing; and these and so many others just as serious seem to get the attitude "get over it" and why? Why get over it when we can put people in prison for killing animals but have the police walk free for murdering a boy handcuffed that was complying with everything they asked him to do? Get over the fact that a man like George Zimmerman could walk free for killing Trayvon Martin, but give Marissa Alexander TWENTY YEARS for setting off warning shots IN THE AIR just to PROTECT herself from an abusive husband? These issues aren't worthy of being angered over? I have to get over it? Well it seems like I didn't get the memo when it says I lived in the "United States"; but we're all united until issues involving African Americans surface.

   I guess this is what society is getting protection from; but what it really appears to be is the world protecting itself from annihilating blacks literally and figuratively, then masking it as "protection".

   I will also state that I am highly disappointed in those individuals who find is appropriate to partake in the ignorance of the issue of racism amongst one another. That individuals deem it appropriate to make the "light skin vs dark skin" issue a battle. What you don't understand is black folks come in ALL shapes and sizes, colors and hues; we are the ONLY group of people that do, and that should be waved like a banner of honor NOT as a problem. If you truly want to be informed about where the thoughts of "superiority" amongst each other comes from Google the Willie Lynch letters. He is the man who was named after lynching and the person who indoctrinated the methods of thoughts so many people of African decent carry. As I stated earlier STAY informed. Realize why you do or say some of the things you deem "normal" and question yourself as to why.

  It is issues like the ones I have stated and so many others that make me fight for my beliefs. That make me strive for a better future where race and color are not an issue whatsoever. I just want us ALL, no matter what your background is to come together as ONE race; which is the HUMAN RACE! My grandmother use to say that there was no such thing as race amongst people, that we are all one in the same and that the only things that does separate us is our beliefs. I wish that were true and that simple. We have to inherit a mentality like we did when we were children; where we don't see color or complexion, but we see a person. A person that may not look like us or even come from where we come from, but we accept them anyway because we all represent the same thing;Humanity...

What I should have said

I admit it I fell for you; your smile, your style and everything about you.

I miss you; when it was us, and I won't forget that.

You made me realize that though I am a man with many flaws you cared for me regardless.

Time nor space can change what you and I had going.

It was real on both of our ends, it was nothing ungenuine about it.

The way you would stare deep into my eyes and smile back at me was my reassurance of your Love.

And though you will say you never loved me, your actions showed me otherwise.

It's funny how someone can come into your life and change your perspective on what love really is.

Sometimes I regret what I shared with you, but I realize I was meant to show you the me not many have the opportunity to see.

If I could go back in time to change meeting you I wouldn't; because you were and still in some aspects are an intricate part of my life.

I want to just feel your embrace one more time; hold me tight and never let go.

Why did it have to end so prematurely? Why did we have to let our pride and egos get in the way of "Our Forever".

But sometimes it isn't the right time for a love like ours to fully bloom.

I take responsibility for my actions, and I apologize for placing my insecurities on you.

At times I would ask God how he could bless me with such a great woman like you?

The thought of someone else touching you bothers me; then I realize NO ONE can make you feel the way I did.

It's beyond sex, way past love and honestly the way I feel about you may never change.

God only knows what the future may hold; but just know if we're meant to cross paths once again I won't EVER let you leave my side again my love....

Death to Righteousness

Justice; what does that truly even mean anymore? Unity; does it truly even exist?

The land of the free but where is the freedom when you're doomed anyway?

The land that isn't my land but its home nonetheless. Where you can serve time for the murder of a dog, but walk and be free to do as you please when you can slaughter a young Black male with ease and suffer nothing.

Nothing; because that's what you are anyway right? Just another nigger off the street to make others feel justified you were murdered.

It matters not that you were the child of someone, or that Christmas and holidays won't be the same because you're not there anymore.

To know that skittles and an Arizona has even more of a symbolic meaning then just a juice and some candy.

How the mother dreads her son walking the streets at night even more now then ever because someone is "protecting" the community.

And protecting this community from what exactly? From the problems that plague the community or the Black people considered a plague in the community?

I'm not worth saving because I am nothing but a disease? And my birth defect is the fact that my skin is as black as the night sky?

Where is my justice when I need saving? Are you that hateful that you still consider me 3/5th of a man though I am no longer a slave?

The chains of bondage are gone physically, but in your eyes I'm hold less value then your precious animals I can go to jail for killing if I was Michael Vick.

The annihilation of a specific ethnicity matters not when everything in your world is fine.

You sit in the judgement seat, pointing the finger and hiding behind a judicial system made specifically to hinder the elevation and prosperity of people of African Decent.

I pray that America will truly be as United as it falsely proclaims in the Star Spangled banner; but since there is separation of Church and State, I guess my prayers don't matter huh?

I have to ask myself how free I truly am if it is ok to murder an African American in cold blood and suffer no consequences.

I'm starting to feel like an endangered species; but there are even societies that save animals, but I am expendable.

How can I "Love thy neighbor" when I'm not even accepted in the community?

I am scared for the future of the young Black Males, when it seems like our destiny has been predestined for us; with either prison or death...

The Damage is done

You ever had so much time and energy invested into someone that you nearly lost sight of your own needs?

You would give your last breath for them to breathe if they needed it.

Minutes feel like seconds when you're together, and hours feel like days when you're apart.

You would nearly do anything to keep them around because they mean that much to you.

And they take and take and nearly drain the very essence of your soul.

You look past everything because of your feelings, giving them a clean slate because you feel like you can get past anything.

When it comes to you they keep score, bringing up all that you have done; reminding you of all your past transgressions.

Now why would you even love this person so deeply if there seems to be no balance?

Everything is one sided and this person clearly has more baggage then you do, but you don't care because you love them?

But this love seems one sided, where you benefit only when the person cares to do something.

How is it that we can love another so deep that it is nearly in the fiber of our very being; but forget to love ourselves?

Maybe I was a hopeless romantic, maybe I was a fool, but God knows I was good to you.

Defame my character and blurted out falsehoods about me that weren't even who I am.

Sitting and comparing me to another, when clearly I am a far better man then he could ever be.

I hope you are happy with what you've done, I remember when we use to have fun; but the anger I feel for how you made me feel may never allow me to view you the same, because the damage is done.

I'm ONLY Human

    I feel like I'm at that crossroad in my life where I'm on the cusp of being great; almost like Job when he lost everything he held close to his heart. He lost his loved ones, his riches and nearly his life...but he kept on going even when it seemed like all hope was lost. I lost my grandmother nearly a year ago this come November, I lost the woman I thought was going to be my everything one day before my birthday and lost my job. You would think that I would have gone crazy; sat and cursed God blaming him for everything, but honestly I thank him. Why you ask? I just realize that my story has to be told some type of way, and honestly life isn't always going to be full of success and happiness. Honestly failure and pain builds character, it makes you appreciate what is meant specifically for you. The day is approaching that my purpose will change this world, and these crossroads are just the stepping stones to build the foundation to a brighter tomorrow for myself.
    
   It's funny because I remember when my mother told me the doctor told her I was going to die while still in the womb. He told her to prepare for the worse, and she and my family were sad; I was suppose to die the doctor said. Twenty-five years later I'm here telling part of my story. Spilling my soul on this website, being as transparent as I can possibly be. I haven't always made the best decisions in my life, played with certain women's hearts, lied, stole and put my family through all types of pain. But as you all sit and point the finger about how much of a sinner I am, I'm over here freeing myself of all the burdens deep within you're too afraid to let go. I just want to finally be a FULL person in my life.

   I just want to stop beating myself for things that weren't my fault like my father leaving my mother, sisters, and I so many years ago. I just want to stop wondering why it's so hard being a young Black Male in America. I don't want to be a statistic, being in the judicial system; making babies with numerous women and continuing a cycle seemingly most black males fall in. Being a Black Male is something only the elite are able to deal with. God made me a Black Male because he realized that I would be able to handle all the adversities that life has to offer me. That I would stand tall after it all and show the world that despite you counting me out I'm STILL here.

   So as I sit here in my room all alone, pouring out all these emotions I have within myself; I realize I'm doing this for the next little boy who's not yet born. That boy that will grow up and change the world, giving of himself as though he is a human sacrifice. Dealing with things MOST people will never be able to handle because it's his walk to deal with alone. There are just some journeys we have to do by ourselves and life is one them. Our parents teach us to understand who we are while the world teaches us to shy away from it. We live in a world where we're made to believe our birth marks are blemishes and that if don't look or act a certain way you're abnormal.

   This world makes you believe skinny is beautiful but too skinny is anorexic. That if you're Thick you're gorgeous, but if you're too thick you're fat. This world makes you hate being black but makes it possible for you to tan yourself. Having big lips makes you have too much black features, but people put collagen in their lips to make them "fuller". So I'm going to sit and beat myself up and look for the approval of those who are more unsure of themselves then I once was? I don't think so.

  For the world to be so big people think so small. The unfortunate part is society has made it ok to point the finger towards someone else; make them feel insecure about all their flaws, so society can mask their own. We're just brainwashed and it's all by choice. The one comfortable enough to rise above conformity and complaceny is a true individual. When will we all get to that point where we stop wearing the mental chains? Freeing our minds of being ok with just being like everyone else, and go out on a whim.

   I was meant to make mistakes, and do all the wrong I've done. But like erasers on pencils I can change and right my wrongs. Life is a test and there's no tutor to help you get through it. It takes heart and all that you've experienced to make you realize that the only true test is coming to the conclusion there is no such thing as perfection. Perfect people don't exist, we're meant to falter and fail. Just remember that though I am unperfect those imperfections make it perfectly ok to be imperfect because I realize I'm only human...

LOVE WITHOUT LIMITS

    It's funny whenever you want someone who wants you just as much as you want them, but you can't even appreciate them. I guess its fear of the unknown; fear that maybe you'll be just as happy as you're suppose to be before something bad happens. That's honestly a very backwards way of thinking; and quite pessimistic too, but that's how we think. It's like the expression "this is too good to be true". Its almost saying that you are none deserving of happiness. That you don't deserve to go through the motions of happiness that will keep a smile nearly painted on your face permanently.

    I'm just going to be honest and say that I'm somewhat fearful to Love someone and to be Loved back. To have a woman love me unconditionally the way I deserve to be. To someone reading this it probably sounds crazy, nearly ungrateful. But I'll dig in a little as to why I am. People Seem to always put their best foot forward whenever they first want the person they desire. You call all the time, text, visit, remember every intricate details about them and it almost seems like perfection.

   You two seem to get closer; it nearly seems like a dream every time you're around this person, something that almost seems like it's out of one of those romantic movies women go crazy over. I remember when my sisters had me watch this all time "Chick flick" called The Notebook. For any of those women reading this know exactly what movie I'm talking about. This movie is like the Holy Grail to women all over. Women swear by this movie and nearly model their relationships after this film. After I was forced to watch this movie I realized that we all seek that forever with someone we truly care for; and potentially Love. Love itself isn't the part that winds up being bad, what it sometimes turns into is whom you chose to love.

   But how can you help who you fall for? And really is it even possible to prevent feelings from arising? My simple yet complicated answer is yes and no. I'll start with No; and the reason why you can't help your feelings at that moment is because when the person is saying and doing all that you feel is right, they can do no wrong in your eyes. You're appreciative of their presence at that moment and nearly feeling like they are your answer to all the hurt you've ever felt prior to them being in your life. It only turns to yes when they have already showed you signs that you two should not be together; but instead you mask it, because in your mind you feel like this is all you truly deserve. This is as good as it gets so you deal with it. Days turn to months, months turn to years, then this "relationship" has turned more into a routine then a commitment between two people that should be happy together.

    We ignore the signs only because we fear that that happiness we thought we could share with this person will happen when they are with someone else. We're scared that we failed; when honestly it isn't us, it's just that the two of you are at separate times in your life. The road you thought you were going down together has turned into separate paths that have more so go in opposite directions then intertwined.
So then the real question turns into "will I ever find the person I'm meant to be with?" Which already is a problem because we're not meant to find or look for love...it finds us when we are READY for it! Yea it sounds cliche, but truth be told it's the most honest statement I can come up with; and If you're truly going to be honest with yourself, you'll realize that its true.
   
    Love might just be the most sought out; intangible thing we all are in search of, and in some ways in need of besides being rich and powerful. I'll tell you something though, I definitely want to love a woman and have her love me just as much, if not more then I love her. To be able to look deep in her eyes and realize that God made her especially for me. And if I'm going to be honest with you, sometimes I feel like I have found her...Not because I was looking for her but because she was placed there in my life and we changed each other and didn't want to admit it because we were both fearful we would be hurt due to the past. Are we together? No...But if two people truly are meant to be together they'll find their way back into each others arms.

   Sometimes you don't know what to feel, where to go or even how to act when you have someone come into your life and they bring something new to the table. At this point in my life I'm realizing my purpose is to inspire others. I recently turned 25 years old on June 24, 2013. I literally made this blog (that will be one of the most popular websites of all time) a year ago on June 25th. You would have NEVER been able to tell me I would still be writing on here and sharing my life. Allowing myself to be an open book for all the world to see. Going through the motions of life and not caring whether I'm being judged or not. I said all that to say we can never truly love someone else if we don't wholeheartedly love ourselves first.

    It took me writing on here for a year to realize in some ways I only loved the idea of love, and in some ways was lustful after it. It wasn't until recently after speaking to a woman who I truly did care for and she and I stopped speaking did I realize what Love has the potential to become...when it's READY. The sad facts is sometimes we do find and come across "the one", but if at that moment it isn't time it won't work the way it's meant to. Never allow yourself to be bitter when it comes to Love because it's truly beautiful. Sometimes you just have to wait it out, but you won't have to wait forever.

   Love that woman/man in the mirror, be good to them and give your very all to that person; because once you do come across the one who was made especially for you, you'll be able to love without limits...