The flower you threw away

My bed use to feel empty because I was empty without you there. 

I remember when I wouldn't even lay on the left side because you weren't there to share it with me.

My heart use to be filled with a mixture of sadness and hatred when your name was spoken. 

When I see babies even now I think about how we were going to have twins that we lost. 

And when you left me I felt lost, like I didn't know what else to do. 

You were my only friend when I had no one else to confide in.

You were the support that I thought I had when times were rough. 

But then something happened...things began to be different.

Now when I think of you I feel sad for you, not because of what you did but what will happen.

Life has a funny way of changing the roles for people.

I mean even in the bible it say "The first shall be last & the last shall be first".

I've learned over the years that GOD has been preparing me for something bigger then the moments I planned for "US".

The dreams I envisioned of your belly being big while you walked around pregnant with my children and you being my wife. 

Sharing a life with OUR daughter whether she is mine by blood or not.

GOD took you away from me; the family I always wanted of my own, the babies I was ready to have, because in order for me to truly appreciate all those things I had to lose them. 

It's almost like my whole world crumbled; I genuinely wasn't the same for a long time because you weren't there by my side, to love me the way I wanted you to.

I'm a man yes; I mean I'm not suppose to cry right? I'm suppose to not care right? 

But I was hurt, and I cried almost everyday because I missed you and OUR daughter whether she was biologically mine or not. 

I was lonely and lonesome but I never lost hope in myself.

Ive learned to love me with every fiber of my being, the same way I poured my love into you and your child.

I've always been the type of man that fears only GOD himself, another man that breathes like I do sparks not one ounce of fear into me, because why should he?

But I feared losing your love and you showed me that you didn't love me the same.

I can admit I could have done better in many instances, but the good I gave should have outweighed any bad I did.

I mean relationships have ups and downs; trials and tribulations, but the love should never leave because mistakes were made.

I can truly say that I've never loved another woman the same way I loved you. 

My actions proved that when I gave you babies that GOD took from us; but whether you believe that or not, just know that me being with you was never a game to me...it was VERY REAL.

Well now that I know what love feels like I can thank GOD he at least allowed that to happen.

My mission to be a billionaire is literally happening in less then ten years, and me being a millionaire WILL happen this year like I said it would.

Though you left me I want to thank you, you showed me that you would do something to me I would have NEVER done to you.

You showed me what I don't want a woman to do to me because things aren't going too well momentarily.

I could never hate you and I would never wish you any harm, I truly wish you the very best in life.

I partly want to thank you for leaving me; because I believe in me even more then I ever did, the way I wanted you to be there to believe in me, the way I've always believed in you.

I'm not bitter whatsoever, I honestly feel like I'm better now.

I didn't even have to go to therapy like I was going to do, I just stopped doing what I use to.

One thing I'll always do is believe in myself even if nobody else believes in me.

I will always love and do for me even if no one else does, because I've got a legacy to leave.

It's bigger then just today and tomorrow, it's about shaping and changing the world forever.

I truly have love for you and partly my heart hurts because of you, but I don't blame you. 

"Time doesn't move back it moves forward, you can't run away from the pain run towards it".

Jay-Z said it best because that's truly how I've learned to deal with my life. 

I truly hope that you get the happiness you deserve and you get the love, life & family I did want with you, even if with someone else. 

I was never taught how to be a man or to love a woman the right way because I didn't have a man there to even show me, but Lord knows I did try my very best to.

I'm sure that the love and family; wife and kids I do desire is out there for me, but for now I'll just continue to strive for the pinnacle.

I can truly say that this year and the years to come are looking very bright for me, and I'm proud of the man I've become and continue to strive to be.

"GROW THROUGH WHAT YOU GO THROUGH"; because even when a flower wants to grow, it can still grow through concrete. 

Persistent Men Excel...So believe in you even if no one else does!

Reality

Sleepless nights with nobody but my thoughts and inner self to listen to me. 

Feeling lonely, like I want to be loved but I haven't loved myself in a long time.

Now I love me and I wonder if now I have time to love anyone else but me?

My heart is filled with all the love I can give but it always seems like I never give enough though.

I'm out here hoping and wishing I can be the man I never had around me.

And I feel bad for my dad; he just had a heart attack Friday, and I was sad but we reap what we sow.

I don't wish any anything but the best for the man who was never there for me.

He came back into my life when he thought I was having twins; and when they died because a doctor carelessly made the wrong decision, he was gone like the heartbeats of my unborn kids.

Seems like my life for a long time was a roller coaster of endless negativity.

And the people I thought was riding by my side was'nt fucking with me.

I find myself looking at other peoples babies, feeling sad because I just want my own little one.

Someone to look after and love the way I wanted to be loved. 

And for awhile I loved someone else's child like she was my own daughter; love and nurture her like I was there the day she was born, tried to be the daddy to her I never had.

But all I heard was I wasn't giving her the things she needed; that all I did was strike fear in her, I was even told I was just like my father.

How can I be like the man who was never there when I was always there? 

Hell I was in that girls life more then the biological father she never even knew, that made it apparent he didn't want to have anything to do with her.

Yea I came in her life when she was five going on six and now she's seven, but that's more birthdays then her "Real" father was apart of.

Having people tell me I'm not her real dad; but I'm the one showing her how to tie her own shoes, teaching her how to read, going to every parent teacher conference meeting and paid for her sixth birthday when no one else had money to do it. 

I even got her into a school that was the top school in East Harlem, but I'm not a good father?

Paid for bills in a home where people made me feel like I didn't belong, moved there just to be around the woman I would have given my heart out of my own chest if she needed to survive. 

But she left me because I just wasn't the same?

How could I be the same when shit in my life wasn't the same, and all I wanted you to do was be there for me. 

And I gave you EVERYTHING; even babies that I would have raised like I was raising the little one you already had, if GOD hadn't taken them before I had a chance to say I loved them. 

And it angers me because you made it seem like I was the worse man in the world, you probably even talked bad about me to other people. 

And thoughts of what you could be doing have raced through my mind 

How the way you feel about me could change in two months when we were together for nearly two years and I knew you for three.

It's interesting how people can be here today and gone in an hour. 

What happened to us having unconditional love for one another forever?

I forgave myself when no one else did because deep down I never forgave myself. 

I blamed myself for a lot, but you can't go around in life feeling sorry for yourself.

But God never gives us more then we can handle, and Lord knows that I've handled a lot. 

I'm just out here believing and grinding for that top spot. 

Trying my best to be a man that I was never taught to be by my father.

Trying to make sure that my mother doesn't have to work another day in her life again.

Attempting to leave a legacy that will evolve history forever and do everything people said couldn't be done.

The best lesson I could have learned was "sometimes you have to encourage yourself".

Be your own support system even if no one else supports what you do. 

Stop trying to be everything to everyone and forget to do nothing for yourself. 

Remember Dreams only move forward when you give them feet to roam; without breathing life into that thought, your reality will cease to exist and be but a dream!

Be the light in your own life you try to shed on everyone else's life; because when your own light gets dim, the only person that can reignite that internal flame of yours, is you....

Social Media Suicide (SMS)

The things that we're willing to do to be accepted by people we don't even know.

Likes for likes, shout out for shout out (sfs) all for social media.

We're willing to do anything to have the type of social status to be accosted by people we barely know if not know at all. 

The way Inwhich we take the right pictures at the right time at the right moment just for a single "like".

But who are you really? Beside your fancy name you put together to descibe you, who are you really? 

Are you the guy who gets all the women, who has all the money and all the power?

Are you the girl who's booked by every modeling agency, who's got every man after her and who every woman envies?

Or are you just a simple person with a simple life, with nothing really extraordinary, you're just extra ordinary?

I mean that what's you feel about your life right?

That having a simple life without glitz and glam isn't really a life at all right?

That is isn't ok to have a simple 9-5 that you really enjoy, it just isn't amazing enough because social media wouldn't approve of it.

You wouldn't get those hundreds or even thousands of likes you seek because you didn't take a picture that accentuated your curves enough.

Women would never really desire you if you worked somewhere "normal", so have to flash money to show that you've "got it like that". 

It's not cool to be in a relationship because you're about the single life; but in the same breathe when it's into the late hours of the night, you're in search of that special someone to cuddle with. 

When did we get to a point when we based our importance on how many people liked what we did?

That every precious moment of our lives had to be taped or photographed; and when we got enough likes on either one, at that moment we then realized it was truly important because others "liked" it too.

Nothing is sacred anymore, a moment just isn't a moment if it doesn't make it to social media.

We tape fights and people in them get worse because they know it will possibly make it to World Star.

We make pages exposing people's inner most secrets just so the world will know how much of a slut they really are.

And people can sit here and place blame on the next person and say "but I didn't do anything"; when truthfully you're just as bad because you sit back and watch it all happen, say nothing and "like it".

People will do or say anything just to get exposure on social media, just to be noticed.

Social Media Suicides happen everyday, because people are willing to die inside but outwardly pretend they are doing just fine. 

The great lengths people are willing to go just to have a person they have never met a day in their life like them, even love them to a degree.

Deep down we all have a part of us that wants to be accepted by somebody.

We even all have dreams and aspirations to be great and do great things.

It's just some of us go through great lengths to achieve things and be people we always wanted to be; show that we've made it, that we've got all the money and the women.

That we've booked every modeling gig and have everyone yearn to be just like use. 

To show everybody else that they've got more people following them and liking their pictures then everybody else's. 

To remind everyone else that people know who we are on every social media site you can think of, but we not even know and accept ourselves.

It's funny how we kill ourselves for all of these things everyday on Social Media; then again we're all dead socially, because how can you truly socialize with anyone just through social media alone?

But it's all in a day's work, killing yourself for likes and even acceptance through Social Media....Suicide!

IX XX MMXIII

   I love you, for who you are and who you are destined to be. I accept who you were and who you are, because who you are will change this world. Yes people will laugh at you and make you feel like your dreams are unreachable, the ones who you hold near and dear to your heart will leave you and the ones who you invest all your time and energy in will suck the very fiber of your being out of your soul. You will second guess yourself because you fear that what you hoped for will be unreachable. You will feel sick to your stomach with fear and at times you will hold yourself back because of that doubt. But deep down you know that EVERYTHING will be in your favor. How can you be who you're destined to be if you don't walk in that faith of knowing that you're predestined for greatness? Life will bring you down and tear you down and make you feel like nothing. However; at that very moment when you've given all that that's deep down inside, and you feel like you've given the last bit of who you are into what you believe can't be done, at that moment you'll see that ALL adversities faced, you will overcome them. Love you, appreciate and accept YOU;  because besides GOD loving you, self love is the most important love you'll ever have. 

      We often seek love from everywhere and everyone because we seek some level of validation. We believe that having so many people around us and having every lavish thing you can think of makes us who we are. But if you think about it, how can you seek to have material things and inconsistent people validate what type of importantance you have? I have had a tough few years in my own life. Losing twins that I genuinely wanted, losing a relationship that I truly was invested in, losing myself because I wanted to be everything to everyone and still not being who I was. And GOD took all of that and so much more that I haven't even written here. And it was at that very moment of finally losing a long term committed relationship that I genuinely wanted to be apart of, that I realized that it was not meant to be. Frankly I have nothing but great things to say about the woman I was with because she was and still is a great, ambitious, loving, caring and outstanding woman. She was everything I could have ever hoped for. She was the woman that showed me that even when I'm down she's there to pick me up. I guess with me writing so many remarkable things about her you wonder why we didn't last. Well it's because how can two walk unless they agree? How can two people be together even if they love one another if they have lost sight of who they are? How can you love a person with every fiber of your being and not love yourself?

      For me I've always felt the need to seek validation from the ones that I hold so near and dear to my own heart. I've always felt the need to prove my love and allegiance to people that mean something to me. What I've come to realize however is that you can not be everything to everyone else and nothing to yourself. How can I tell you that you're beautiful and that you're the best thing that GOD ever created if I can't and don't believe that about myself? It contradicts so many different things when you have that warped way of thinking. I've always been a very laid back and quite person upon meeting people. I usually stay to myself and give myself the opportunity to get to know people before I actually open my mouth and converse with them. Honestly people are so judgemental of you that it can be hard to be yourself. What I'm here to express is that even if someone doesn't like who you are; they are forced to respect it because you are being who you are, caring less about what they think. Now I am not saying that you should be mean or disrespectful and have the mindset "this is who I am and you're just going to have to deal with it" way of thinking. What I am saying is if you're who you are without thought of really caring about the opinions of others, then people are just going to accept it. We often try so hard to have people shape and mold us into what they believe we should be when they themselves aren't even comfortable in their own skin. 

     Now I loved and still do love the woman I was in a relationship with for almost two years, and have known for almost three years. I don't hate her and I genuinely want her to be happy even if it's not with me. My own pride would say that I don't want her to be with anyone else but with me, but then I would be selfish. If it's meant to be it will be, you don't have to force anything. I could have done a lot differently but if I'm going to be honest I would have not been able to; because it wasn't until things truly went down hill and I was meant to find who I was, that I came to the realization of things. It's only through chaos and anarchy that you realize what peace truly is. You can never truly appreciate the finer things in life; if you have never known what it took to actually go after it, when you had nothing at all.  To be honest with you I feel lost; like I'm alone and that there in a hole in my heart where she laid so peacefully, like a baby lay sweetly on the bosom of his mother. But sometimes the most beautiful love has to end for you to realize that maybe it wasn't the best love. Maybe it wasn't the only love. Maybe it wasn't the right time to have that love. Whatever the reason may have been that the love I wanted more then I wanted to breathe didn't work may forever be a mystery. Sometimes life is just that complex that the answers won't ever really have one real direct answer. 

     Won't you stay with me until we grow old and watch our children have children? When we sit on the porch and drink a cold glass of lemonade remembering how we use to dream of that house that we always wanted and received. How I told you that we would grow old together and I would die by your side because you are my soul mate. But I'm hurt to the depths of my soul because you're no longer here to endure forever with. Sometimes those I love you's fade away like the storms of yesterday's past into a new day brighter then the last. Now two have become one but that doesn't mean it's the end, but at least for now it is. Life can be a hurtful truth and we will not always like the answers that it hands to us. As life grows and evolves as should we. I honestly haven't grown this much as I have in a long time. Yes I've grown physically and I've been a man for quite some time now, but my mental capacity as a human being has not been this high in such a long time. If I sat down and really told you all the heartache and pain I've endured; the trials and tribulations I've overcome, you would think I was not a human being. I've been predestined for great things since before I was even conceived in the womb. I believe in me even if no one else does, and I live for and love myself even if only GOD loves me. 

     I've expressed this thought to my mother and sisters ever since this year has started, that this is the year of accomplishments. This is the year of believing in your dreams and aspirations even if other people don't. This is the year to move mountains and take that leap of faith even if it seems like nothing is going right. This is the year to do all that you hope, believe in and desire to do, because the time Inwhich you will have to do it again may NEVER happen again. The things Inwhich I will do will cause me to become a billionaire. I will be a man that has influence and my businesses will change the world and how it's viewed forever. I've always believed in leaving a legacy and building something that the generations after can continue to have and flourish with. However; if I'm going to be frank with you, I would have not come back to this way of thinking if I hadn't lost all that I have. I've realized with all that was lost, it is my duty to give back. To continue that "each one teach one" way of thinking that the African proverbs have taught me. I have genuinely forgiven myself for all that I've done and have moved forward. I have left all that once was and have started focusing on what is going to be. I can not and will not make anyone love me or be with me even if they chose not to be. Yes I may cry and be broken hearted, but that is temporary. The memories never fade away it's just that the people do sometimes. 

      I've given all I've had to give and loved as much as I could have possibly loved. September 20th, 2013 (IX XX MMXIII) will forever live in my heart. I won't ever forget that day because that's when I realized what love was. Though it hurts that we couldn't work out I wish you the very best. I've got to live my life and change this world and give all that's inside of me that I wanted to give to you. With all that I have lost; what I have gained has meant more then anything else, and that is my peace of mind...