The Beast That's Unforgiving

       My feelings are numb, nothing like how they use to be as a child. This world has hardened my heart, and the bit of soul that I have is slowly leaving me. The times I do watch the television or check out the news all I see is something negative. We have a president in office that doesn't care about anything or anyone. His own wife doesn't want to have anything to do with him. It just goes to show you that money doesn't bring happiness if it was never there, to begin with. Time sure does fly when you're out here living it. Rent is due, bills to pay and you try to have an honest job but the streets are calling you. That fast money that I don't have to wait two weeks for. I can go right on that block and sell those rocks and push that cocaine. Trying to be pure, but for what? This world was never good or fair to me, when was it ever easy? Too Black for white America; tattoos running down both sleeves, that's my expression for the art I love in this twisted nightmare I'm living daily.

       People look at my name tag and see ambitious and a writer and make a confused face. I mean I couldn't possibly be anything more because I'm Black right? When you see me you assume that I have a child and have to have back child support I owe when I haven't had any children since my ex-girlfriend lost my twins so many years ago. I find myself looking in the mirror when I wash my face and as I look back at myself I wonder who I am. Am I being myself or being what everyone else wants me to be? Am I being the best Dee possible or playing it safe? I'm from the Eastside of Harlem where you hustle, fearing nobody but GOD himself because in your eyes you are a GOD. Walking this earth trying not to let it taint you. When you see the police sirens you get numb, you're immune to seeing the hatred in that police officers eyes for you. The way he's ready to shoot you and not think twice about it. Meanwhile, you have a full scholarship to any University of your choice; his child though is home snorting up cocaine, trying to feel some kind of love from anything since he doesn't do anything but beat her because of the pressures of his job.

       It's funny how we find ourselves trying to receive love, even if it's all in the wrong places. Trying to be accepted by people who are in a worse space than we are. Way too scared to be great so they'll make you feel like nothing when you're everything and so much more. I have survived things that should have killed me, I lost so many things and people you would have thought would break me and it hasn't. I have laughed at death in the face and kept going. I'm my mother's only son, so it's my job to rise above the adversities I face. I can't afford to crumble like anyone else. I have all this love in my heart but how can I show it with all this hate in the world? I remember when I was younger, going through the phase of rebellion, allowing the world's many evils to tantalize me. I was getting ready to leave the house and my mother said that every time I left the house she was scared I wouldn't come back. She had a look of pain and regret, her eyes were crying out for me; but through my cold young demeanor, I couldn't really see that. I thought that the streets were my playground, a place for me to run free with others just like me. Not realizing at that time that it wasn't anything out there for me but trouble. Guns intrigued me, and the thrill of doing things that could get me in trouble was a rush.

       Fast forwarding ten years later; about three weeks before my 29th birthday, and my mindset is totally different. Life is a never-ending journey that has twists and turns, but it's well worth the journey. Though this world is unforgiving I still forgive. You can't let the hate of this world stop you from being the loving person you are. Just know that if you love yourself you'll never be alone. That when you believe in yourself everyone else will do the same. One man can change the world, and I have realized that that man is me.......

Live Your Truth

       I'm always dolo (by myself for those unsure of the meaning). I don't need a bunch of people to feel empowered to the highest degrees. I don't need the acceptance of people who are too afraid to live out their dreams and make them a reality. So they attempt to make me feel less than because they are less than worthy to accomplish anything. It's really up to you to make shit happen and I say this with the utmost respect because I believe it. Believing is the first step to accepting what is and what will be. It's taking responsibility when no one else will. It's doing all that you can even when it feels too hard to do. It's looking those adversities right in the eyes and doing all that can be done to overcome it. Who are you not to excel? A question easier to think about trying to figure out then Accomplishing? I ask questions that at times seem too hard to figure out. And to be honest with you I battle with myself every day because I'm playing "tug of war" with myself; trying to figure out my way in the world.

       This world is way too unforgiving to those genuinely trying to make it without fucking people over to get to the top. Being manipulative and sneaky to get what they feel to be the "unattainable". I have always been extremely mindful of the people I associate myself with because I realize that the people you befriend paints a picture of who you are. Then again I have not always been the way I am now. I thought that I needed to have a bunch of people around me to have some level of importance. Not realizing at the time that it's all about the quality of people, not the quantity. In your times of need is exactly where you realize where you stand with people, not the times where everything is going fine.

       When I was nearly homeless and found myself wondering where I was going to get the money to have more to eat, that's where I realized where I stood with people. People can tell you all they want to how much they will be there, it's the actions that back up those words that matter the most. I have had times in my life where I only ate one time because I had just enough money to at least feed my family and myself once a day, then go out and pretend to the world that I was fine when I really wasn't. Then people don't make things any easier by being judgemental or inconsistent.

       With a lot of experiences in my life that I have faced, you would think that I would be broken mentally or even psychologically. However, I found that I thrived and rose above it all; Because I realized that I had a larger purpose, and it was bigger than me. You can't go into the world feeling sorry or victimizing yourself. No one is going to feel sorry for you or even make you feel better all the time. You have got to learn to believe in yourself and give of yourself to yourself because at times all you will have is yourself. I am not being cynical or negative, I am being honest and realistic. We lean too much on the support of others that we think people owe us. In reality, if someone is there for you and shows constant consistency, consider yourself blessed. Be thankful and grateful, not because they are there, but because they are being constant in their actions while being there for you!

       Never let your adversities or adversaries get in the way of what you need to do for yourself.  You have got to learn to believe in yourself even when others doubt you. Even if your family doesn't understand why you do it, or your friends don't believe in you. Keep on going, because there is not only light at the end of that dark tunnel, but you will see it through! I feel like a lot that I am now being blessed with was a long time coming. I needed to experience rock bottom to appreciate slowing rising to the top. I genuinely feel that you can never truly appreciate what it takes to get anything if you have never lost something. The reason I say that is because when you are finally getting things you deserve, you appreciate them because you realize everything it took to get it. I have lost so much in my life, but yet I still stand tall! I believe that my life purpose is to inspire people and lead others to be their very best. To own many fortune 500 Companies, and be one of the wealthiest Black Men in the world while giving back to my community. I may have been born in the projects and have seen a lot of wicked things this world had to offer, but giving up was never an option. I am a living breathing vessel and a living testimony that when you have a gift you have to present it and give it to the world. Live your truth daily, even if others lie to themselves about their own!

The Siege For Self-Worth

       Honestly; I have not been inspired to write that much on this site of mine, for a lot of different reasons. I've been going through emotional, financial, and psychological issues. So my focus has not really been about giving the type of content that I know people who genuinely support me, are content with. Rather, all I have been doing is just posting bull shit content the last three weeks. I realize that, and I genuinely apologize for that. I don't think that people realize that whenever I am really posting my work (except for the last three weeks of mediocre content) I pour my heart and soul into my body of work. I actually sit there in my room; listen to a song or two that put me in a specific mindset, and I then write. Write about whatever it is that is on my mind or in my heart at that time. I have posted content on here that I feel have been some of my best work; hell, I've said things on here that I didn't ever think people would be inspired by.

       I've had people tell me that my posts have made them better people. I even like the comments of people telling me that they didn't like or even agree with that I wrote because they had a difference of opinion. Feedback is something I have come to appreciate because I realize that when I sit here and bravely expound on something that I chose to speak about, people are going to say something whether I want them to or not. However, people don't realize how much it took me to even begin this website I started about one hundred twenty-two posts and seven years ago!

        I remember When I told a few people at that time how I wanted to write and post content, not only about myself and my circumstances but just all around content. There were so many unsupportive people. I even had people tell me "Since when are you a writer?" Mind you I have ALWAYS admired being a writer and doing poetry. In Highschool I had a deep passion for poetry, it was something I always loved and was really good at. My Teacher, Ms. Brown never made me feel like I could not do anything. Even the Pastor and Founder of the School Mount Pleasant Christian Academy made me feel like I could do anything that I put my mind to. They made me feel like it was blessing to be Black, not a burden like this world seems to make people feel who are a part of the Black Diaspora. If you believe in yourself and what you do, it doesn't matter what other people believe.

       Just because people are afraid to dream big, and are complacent in what they do don't stop. Your walk through life is not theirs, and their walk is not yours. always strive for excellence, and never place yourself in a box, even if others may do so. Compete only with yourself, and never settle. I feel like people have always doubted me; my potential, and what I was capable of accomplishing. I have always felt like the underdog, and have had to prove myself in quite a few instances. But I'm cool with that because I realize that people place you in boxes that they really place themselves in. Meaning; people reflect their own insecurities on you instead of doing better for themselves, it is easier to tear you down instead of attempting to build themselves up. It's just a never-ending cycle of self-destructive perpetual negative thoughts and reflective behavior. I for one don't have the time or energy to entertain that or any type of negative behaviors.

       I just want to leave you with this thought, you are important! You are worthy, and I love you! I feel like there were times in my life I wanted to hear that, I damn near yearned for it and it never was said to me. When I was at my lowest point and felt like I wanted to die or to be saved from my own self-destructive behavior, nothing was said. There are going to be times in life where someone isn't going to be encouraging to you. People won't tell you things that you may even deserve to hear or have said to you. You have got to learn to LOVE YOURSELF and INSPIRE YOURSELF!!!! Remember that no matter what you decided to do the decision begins and ends with YOU! I have realized a long time ago that my words have power, that when I speak and write people listen to me. That my words mean something to people, even if I don't know them. I have not really used this platform that I have to the best of my abilities, and for those who read this know that I will do better by you. I don't take for granted the nearly 10,000 people worldwide who read my posts! I want to better myself daily with this and I want everyone to partake in this journey I find myself a part of. Never Ever give up, because the last time you gave up may have been the next time you could have found yourself reaching heights even greater than you could have fathomed!

Love Is ™

Love is Passion, Love is Pain.
Love is Struggles, Love is Strain.
But Love doesn't cut you to the Vein.
Love isn't divided, Love is United.
Love is indifferent, it's NEVER one Sided.
Love is beautiful no matter the Race.
Love can travel through time and Space.
Love doesn't care about your sex or your Preferences.
Love doesn't need a reason like a job needs References.
Love is more than a concept, it is beyond an Idea.
Love is the first kiss kind of moment, but you get the Idea.
Love has the power to make you Believe.
Love has the capacity to push you to Achieve.
Love is Fearless, Love is Bold.
Love is the never ending story, expressed & Untold.
Love is as deep as the sea in the Abyss.
Love feels like giving your true love that very first Kiss.
Love is mental, it's not just Physical.
Love shouldn't hurt or ever get Physical.
Love is what keeps us; believe me, it's true.
But in order to achieve this feat, it starts with YOU!

Hungry Heart

We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry, 

The truth is there, but our visions are blurry. 

Tired of being alone but we're all in a hurry for love, the single most action we seek. 

We yearn it so much that we'll accept it from anyone even if it's weak. 

Never settle for anything less then you deserve.

Don't stay with something if they have no purpose they serve. 

Believe in your instincts believe In your worth

NEVER settle just for anything because like a priceless diamond realize your worth! 

Hidden Agenda?

As I lay there naked; and ready to please every of your body, for a split second I ask myself why am I here? 

Why am I even having these thoughts now when you chose to give this to me?

Why is it that I am able to detach myself from any form of intimacy, yet I'm here being intimate with you?

Why did you tell me you loved me, then I lied and told you that I loved you back?

Why was I not just honest with you, yet I couldn't be because then I would hurt you?

Why is it that as boys we are forced to be men, yet as men we find ourselves longing to be boys again?

I then take off your clothes; passionately kissing every inch of your vulnerabilty, yet I find myself fighting myself daily to show mine.

Why is that so? Because; It is easier to Climax then climb next to you and let myself go, and let you see my deepest parts of my humanity I chose to throw deep into the abyss of my emotions masked with male bravado and masculinity. 

I just want you to love me for me, can I just be me and not what the world wants me to be?

Why can't I just be honest with myself? Because it is easier to believe a lie then to dig deep down in my own soul and expose the true me. 

The Truth is hard to face when you have yourself to be honest with....TO BE CONTINUED

My Guardian Angel

I miss you Grandma, your  advice and the way you would always make things better. The laughs we shared, you always cared and you never made me feel like I couldn't do anything. You were my strength when I felt weak, my everything. I miss you everyday that passes by, I wish I could hold you one last time. I feel like you made everything so much better. Even now I hear your hearty laugh, and see your smile. The way your eyes would light up every time you would tell my sisters and I stories of you being in South Carolina. How you traveled all the way to New York City on the East Side of Harlem to make a new life with our grandfather. It hurts me that you're not near, every year that passes by. I love you deeply and I wish that I could hear your voice one last time to let me know everything will be alright. But you're my guardian Angel now. Protecting me from all Manner of evil in this world. The times I find myself being lost I think of you and everything feels so much better. It's Almost like you're letting me know you have everything under control. Anyway Grammy, I Love you and I miss you; and I won't ever tell you Goodbye, But I will say I'll see you later....

The Worth of Melanin

       Even now as I sit here; thinking to myself what I'm going to speak about, a bunch of different thoughts are rushing through my mind as always. I'm wondering whether or not I'm going to speak about one thing, or a bunch of different things at once. You see, the things I express on these posts are 110% my OWN thoughts and FEELINGS! Something that frankly I've never really been good at when I wasn't writing. Well that's partly true though, I'll more so say I've yet to have someone fully understand where I'm coming from or how I view something. People are so sensitive about what you say to them but don't care how they speak to you. I feel like in so many ways I've always had to water down who I was so that I wouldn't offend other people. I've never been a momentary thinker, I believe in looking far beyond just the here and now. I've viewed myself as having the power to change things around me, believing in myself when no one else did. I have had to learn to celebrate myself even when others have not. I have lost countless times in many things I've been apart of, and yet I still go on. All I genuinely ever really wanted was for people to believe in me, to show me love and support and even befriend me. In many ways my trust in people has always been on alert because in the end people have hurt me or betrayed me on some level. The times I have been at my lowest I feel like all people really did was just leave me to bare it all alone, but that's something I've grown accustomed to doing. You see greatness doesn't happen overnight; and life can be cruel, but you have  got to realize that not everyone who's with you on this race called life will end it with you happily. along the way you lose people and they won't come back, and that's not always a bad thing either.

       I had a woman once tell me that she loved me but she couldn't be with me, and that confused the shit out of me at the time because I just couldn't understand why. How could you love someone as deeply as she still does love me and not want to be with me? The hard truth is sometimes that's just the way life is, and sometimes there isn't any other thought provoking "deep way" of looking at it. You can love someone and realize you two just can't be. Life changes people everyday, and I'm a prime example of that. How I use to be is a totally different person compared to how I am now. depending on who you may ask, that person may tell you their thoughts of me. Frankly at this juncture in my life I don't really care to be everything to everyone because I can't be. It's hard enough to be everything you need to be to yourself, while still being yourself and still trying to make everyone else happy. People may not know this about me, but I sincerely hate to disappoint people. That probably stems from the fact that I felt like throughout my life as a teen and growing up I feel that I disappointed my family more then made them happy. From doing all types of unspeakable wild things while going to one of the worst middle schools on the East side of Harlem; A.E.S (Academy of Environmental Science Secondary School), which by the way doesn't even exist anymore because it was that bad. To fighting almost everyday, stealing, lying acting out, having concealed weapons. My mother, aunts and grandmother (GOD rest her soul) even looked in my room once to see if I had been selling drugs because I was that out of control and had no real grip on my life. 

       Then my Aunts came up with a solution to put me in a private school on the West side of Harlem called MPCA (Mount Pleasant Christian Academy). To be honest this is where I learned that I was a KING and my passion for poetry and writing resented from. I have ALWAYS been intrigued with business. How they run, how to make them better and having the leadership and ambition to drive a business to the pinnacle. I have always taken pride in my mind and how it works, pushing my brain to peaks far beyond what others think is possible. To be honest I have to give MPCA that credit because they made me believe in myself. They made me realize that I wasn't just another statistic. That where I grew up didn't make a difference to how successful I was going to be in life. We went on international trips, we learned how to appreciate being BLACK when the world made us feel like being Black was a sin. We fed the homeless, worshipped and prayed. I feel like that was some of the best times of my life to be honest. I felt like there were others like me who grew up where I did and appreciated me for who I was and let me be myself without judging me. I owe those teachers and the Principle of that school more then I could ever pay back to them. I also owe the Blue Niles Rights of Passage because that program taught me to also appreciate being a "Strong Intelligent Black Man"! My cousin and I went to that program every damn Saturday for Nine months before we Both went through the "Passing Through" Ceremony that also had some shaping in my life. We had to memorize a creed, had to learn "Lift Every Voice and Sing", learn health and wellness, economic awareness, we had to wear a Dashiki and Kufi. It was the embodiment of appreciating your Blackness and not being ashamed of it. 

      Now there wasn't always a time in my life where I loved being Black the way I have for a very long time now. I use to not feel Black enough being aound other Black children because I was told "I speak too white". Now as ignorant and far from the truth as that may be; I can't even blame them for that, because they we raised to think that way. To lessen what it means to be Black, and make what greatness you have be so small because the world makes it seem like it's nothing. Look at the images on Television and the potrayal of Black Women and Black Men. That all Black people are lazy and all we do is live off of food stamps and collect goverment assistance. That every Black Man leaves his family and the Black woman has to be a father and mother to their children. That the Black Woman is loud and angry, and has major attitude issues. That Black Women and Black Men have many children from different mothers and fathers. That all Black Males are career criminals and sell drugs and go to prison. That all Black Men and Women have countless children but never get married. To make things even worse Complexion and Color amongst Black people are at an all time high, when we are ALL BLACK no matter the hue of our complexion. It just seems to me that throughout life we are programmed as Black children that we're all bad. That we won't be anything more then worthless. About four years ago I watched this documentary called "Dark Girls" that actually came out on November 11th 2011. To make a long story short this documentary discussed the deep rooted biased behaviors that Dark skin Women, outside and within American culture face on a daliy basis.  It broke my heart to see this documentary because I just wish that we showed each other the love and appreciation to one another that is deserved.

      I for one have and will ALWAYS WILL Love, Adore and Appreciate Black Women. Not only for their strength, but for their love and greatness that they hold. To see on the news that these Black women have been missing and there is no REAL news or out cry about it is extremely mind boggling. 
And what angers me more then anything else is the fact that this has been going on for this long and we are just now hearing about this? How I even found out what was going on was through my Social Media, then actually doing research about this issue, and finding out this goes back way farther then this year. To know that there actually is a Black Market where my whole entire body is up for sale and there are people out there that will pay top dollar for it is appalling and evil! 
So I am not suppose to protect and look out for Black Women when there is actually heinous things like this going on? To know that this is nothing new http://aggregatepress.org/organ-trafficking-melanin-theory-the-fountain-of-youth/ , and this type of ungodly shit is happening and no one seems to even bat an eye because it involves Black women. Why does it seem like whenever there is an issue involving Black people we are overlooked? Even this latest ad by Pepsi with Kendall Jenner; just adds more anger to what I already feel when it shows the respect people don't seem to have for Black women, or for the struggles Black people face on a consistent basis. 
       There is something that I want to leave you with no matter who you are; realize that Black people are and always will be an elite group of individuals, no matter what negative box you place us in. No matter the negative stigmas you loom us with or the hatred you show us because we love who we are.  It doesn't matter how many times you make us look bad or the falsified statics you continuously spew against us, we will ALWAYS RISE above it ALL! It matters not that you had us shackled in chains and made us slaves because slaves weren't on those ships. Kings, Queens, Judges, Lawyers, Scientist, Mathematicians, Artists, and Leaders of the Future were on those ships. No matter what labels you may place on Black People, remember we are here to stay. To shape this world and be the creators of a new tomorrow today. "I am so tired of waiting, Aren't you, for the world to become good and beautiful and kind? Let us take a knife and cut the world in two and see what worms are eating" -Langston Hughes

The Bravery in being Great

       I don't know, it's so hard to face this world not knowing exactly where you fit in all of it. All this chaos, it almost feels like you're in a burning room with nowhere to escape. That you're looking for that "light at the end of the tunnel"; but instead, all you continue to see is darkness all around. You lose all the motivation that you have. Nothing seems to be going right, you feel like you're of no use to anyone. And the only time you really do matter is when people are gaining something from you. I feel used, like I'm only beneficial when I have something that people need from me. I feel like a alien in a foreign world, and I don't really belong. I feel like I've lost more then I have gained. But what I have gained despite it all is something that I can't replace. I feel like defeat has made me stronger, and I realize that my time is coming. I can't sit around and feel sorry for myself; or even blame others for not getting what I deserve to have, even if they were the cause of my temporary downfall. You can't weigh greatness on a scale, the true value of that greatness lies on how you use it. As well as the lives that you affect. I use to try to base my success on how well others were doing at the time. Then I  began to realize that you can't. Why would I base my success on others when they won't be able to do what I CAN and WILL accomplish? Who I am to short-change myself? Who am I to even doubt my own greatness?

       See it's human nature to base all that you have and don't have by what others have. That's why when you eat something that is someone else's it seemingly tastes better. Or when you see someone who you believe is more successful, attractive or better then you are we tend to emulate that person. We feel that we are not as great without having that exact or similar trait or quality that person has. I feel that admiration is an inspiring delight. It is good to appreciate an individuals work ethic, what they have or even how they look. Just don't allow that to be the sole basis of how you may deem your own "success". We tend to seek out approval from people who truthfully aren't as great as we are even if we feel they are successful. Truthfully those that you look up to may not even be that great. Greatness isn't just about what you possess or what you have accomplished, it's also about how much you have helped others become great as well. We fall in love with how something seems to look, not really knowing everything about it. We even find ourselves trying to compare and contrast all that others have, when in reality what they have my be good for them but not great for you.

       I am learning more in my life that being "good" at something and being "Great" at something are two different things. Just because something looks good doesn't mean that it is. For example; someone that I befriended when I was younger, was and still is affiliated with very prominent music artists. In fact, I myself know countless individuals throughout all channels of successful avenues in many platforms. I just have never been the type of person to ride the wave of another's success and emulate it as my own. I would much rather prefer to do things my own way and get my "buzz" off the beat of my own drum. Anyway; I believed at some point in my life that this person was getting all types of "success", because they seemed to be able to get things that appeared unreachable to me. We actually know all the same mutual people, and we are in the same neighboring part (Harlem). I use to question my own greatness because it looked good to see them have all those successful people around. Seeing them in photos together and having these celebrities even vouch for this person. I wanted that for myself; but a part of me always felt like I didn't need to do it that way, because people would see how great I was in MY OWN TIME. See, we tend to forget that not every time is the right time, and the time for someone else's successes have no bearing on our own.

       We get so caught up in how good something else looks for someone else, that we lose sight of how great we will be. Moreover, this person relied heavily on how successful they were on the successes of the people who are already successful. To me that is a sure way of living in the shadows of others, and I am too great to allow myself to ever do that. I also didn't deceive people, or steal their ideas and fabricate them as my own as they have. They also only dealt with people and aligned themselves with those they saw potential in. Clinging on to them not because they sincerely believed in them or their visions, but to stay relevant through that individuals hard work and success. I have expounded on that to express, don't base anything off of how things appear. Don't fall in love with appearances, believe in yourself even when others don't. Believe in YOUR potential and NEVER doubt it. Just be yourself and the RIGHT people will align themselves with you. Stop trying to seek the approval of others and just aim for the highest plateau. Don't box yourself in EVER because even placing yourself in one is limiting your own potential.

       I researched how well this blog was doing since I first started this years ago; and even with me going on a hiatus for nearly a year, and not writing on this daily as I use to, I have had nearly 10,000 views on this blog internationally. I have even had people write back to me, even telling me that they don't like what I wrote or expressing an opinion on how much that they do love it. To me that means people find relevancy in what I write and I am appreciative of that. There is no such thing as overnight success, and stop trying to base what you feel success is on how others view it. Stay in your own lane and do it YOUR WAY, and I guarantee others WILL FOLLOW YOU! I believe in myself even if others do not. I have learned to celebrate myself even if others may not. One thing that I do know is I am on the road to greatness, and NO ONE will stop that for me. I am a work in progress, but my progression is paying off. Remember; "Anyone can be good at what they do, but it takes bravery to be great just when being good is enough"!