Sins of Yesterday's Past

It's funny how you can never live past your past sins and transgressions no matter how much you've changed for the better. My heart filled with strain; my eyes filled with pain when you look straight into them. I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve, but you want someone to believe in your change. I have a changed mindset but you can bet that no one will see it. People have the tendency to see what they want to; forget what you do, and can care less how true to you you've been. A sin is a sin but how can I win when my sins are accounted for. The more I try I realize that my past at times hinders my present presently. It's almost like my destiny has been set for me; I'm in this never ending race you see...But it's alright, it's ok, I'll keep trying anyway; because what I've done in my past, doesn't make me who I am today...

My Good Bye isn't Forever

I feel alive; awake beyond measure. My thoughts different, my vision much keener, and all that I use to care for doesn't even matter anymore. I want to be successful; but it's not all about the money and fame anymore, it's more so about being financially stable enough to have my family, future wife and our daughter never wanting for anything ever again. It's about being well connected to individuals who have no limits to the success they want to acquire. It's about moving higher; elevating until there is no more room to move. It's about believing and achieving the things people said couldn't be done. It's all about blessing those that have cursed me. Remembering to have honor, respect, dignity and pride for oneself. It's about leaving a legacy that will last for an eternity. Today embarks the year anniversary of my Grandmothers passing; a woman too powerful to explain, even if I had an eternity to expound upon her greatness. The woman who helped mold and shape me into the fearless individual I am. The woman who gave until she had no more to give. Though I want to be selfish and have her here by my side; laughing with her, making jokes and enjoying her presence. GOD needed her back by his side to watch over me. Though my heart is as heavy as a ton of steel, I will celebrate her life. She is no longer here on this cold and unforgiving Hell we call the world. She is no longer suffering from Cancer; losing pints of blood, nearly forgetting who we all were. She lived a long life, and though her flesh is dead, her Spirit will live on forever. So Grammy; I am sad that you're gone, which made a year today, but I thank you. You left an impeccable legacy that I will continue on through my children. Every time the moon rises and the sun sets, I will look upon the Heavens and smile, because I know you will ALWAYS and FOREVER watch over me. This isn't a Good Bye, but a see you later.....

Make-up? (Her Pain Concealed)

Lipstick, eye liner, blush and lip gloss; just a few weapons in a woman's arsenal when she wants to knock every man dead when you see her. She applies just enough make up to catch your attention; and did I mention when see her she's like a blessing sent from heaven. And when you look into her eyes what you don't  realize is that concealer she's wearing is concealing much more then what the naked eye can see. You can care less about who she's destined to be because all you see is a beautiful woman with make-up on. Her pretty face and small waist brings every man to their knees; with her little black dress and high heel pumps, yea she's definitely dressed to kill. Yet and still all you can see is a beautiful woman with impeccable make-up on. The sad part is as men we don't realize the pain a woman has every time she's applying on her make-up. The long hours she takes just to put a smile on our face and we can't even appreciate her. If a woman's make-up could talk; you wouldn't be able to imagine the stories it would begin to tell you. A woman's make-up is like a camouflage from her inner truths. The parts only the most luckiest have the opportunity to see. That make-up has concealed domestic violence marks, psychological pain, and self hatred; but we're too blind to see that a woman's make-up is almost like her armor. The protection from any thoughts of our portrayal of her. Sometimes I think to myself the kind of pain a woman goes through just for our temporary gain; of unimportant happiness to the armor we call Make-up...

All Of You

I love you; the way that you smile back at me, the way you stare at me. The love you gave, the love you give and show; the fact that my feelings continue to grow. I was scared to believe that a love like this forever we are building existed, but as I look through your eyes I realize I am blessed. And all that I have stressed has come and gone and now its time to embrace the fact that you are my blessing. My end and my beginning, even when I feel like I've lost I'm winning because I have you...Living life seems much easier because I have you, true love is hard to find but you're here. And every year that passes by and I find myself staring in those eyes again I'll remember that moment I let all my fears go and made you mine. I appreciate your perfect imperfections and with all the life lessons I have gone through; the pain and strain was worth it because I did gain you. If I had to deal with all that I have I would do it all over again just so I could appreciate and have All of You...I Love You.

Thoughts I could not speak

I admit I'm scared to love you; because you'll bring me to feelings I'm scared to feel but they feel right. And as I lay here at night I feel like I don't even deserve you. You treat me like I'm at the top when I'm my lowest. And if ever I met a decent woman you might just be the truest. Feelings like these I have now are the newest; but it's okay because it's no way I'm letting you go. And I don't want to mess up what we've got going and  knowing that you care for me the way you do puts a smile on my face every time. I don't even feel like I deserve you because you're a woman with vision, while I'm a man with visions too afraid to accomplish them; because I'm worried I'm not good enough. The eyes never lie and I realize that I will love you. My heart is yours to keep if you want it. I'm scared that I'll lose you from my own fears because I haven't felt like this in years. Honestly what's there to be afraid of? When I have a blessing like you from above. And I feel like your love would be the loveliest if that even makes sense. But you can never truly make sense of love because at times it can make you sense. I'm ready to settle down and have you as my one and only but the only thing that's stoping me is fearing that maybe I'm not even the best man for you. But that's just my insecurity talking; deep down I know no other man will make you feel the way I do. No other man will love you the way I will; yet and still I'm here in doubt. You make it easy to let go of all those fears though and where this may go I don't know. But what I do know is you're the woman of my dreams...

In Due season

   The Darkest hour in someone's life is when they realize the greatness they hold. It's when they realize that all they have internally will come forth. They will realize that all they believe will be achieved. I've always said that things may not happen when you want them to but they will always happen whenever you need them to. Those words so simple hold so much power and I believe them. I believe them because part of me realizes that all great things don't come overnight, or when we want them to at that moment. If things were that simple to get; how would we truly appreciate something, if we didn't understand the struggle to truly possess it? All great things don't come to an end; all that happens is something new takes the place of it.

   I won't portray myself as a person who knows it all because I don't. I won't say that I have the answers to become successful because I'm trying to figure out the answers myself. What I will say is I'm a man who has gone through a few hardships in my life to shed some light on knowing that better days are coming. Sitting around and waiting for things to change and get better won't do anything. All that will happen is time will go by and you'll find yourself years later; much older asking yourself why didn't you do more, and the only one to blame is one you see in the mirror...Yourself!

   Remembering moments when I was nearly homeless twice; going uptown to the welfare place with my family almost begging to keep our place. Fighting to stay in an apartment my grandmother had in her name for years before she passed away. Remembering how embarrassed I felt being there with my sisters and mother. Feeling like a criminal, giving my social security number; having people say we couldn't even get food stamps because my mother made too much. Then my Aunts stepped in and gave money to make sure we stayed in our home. Our Angels in disguise.

    I remember when I worked my ass off for a a company for only $7.50/hr. Me not being complacent with complacency worked my way up to an assistant manager in less then 3 months. By the time I had been there not even a year I had already been ready to run my own store. But God obviously had other plans for my life so I went from that company to another. Only being there for a month and a half I was respected by everyone I worked with and was treated like I was a manager, though I was just a sales associate. Now no longer working even for that company I truly wonder where my destiny lies?

   I realize that I am obviously meant to create my own companies, orchestrate my own ways of making a living and helping other individuals reach their fullest potential. I read somewhere that if you are truly a leader you do not make followers but create other leaders. I believe those words because I myself have taken the responsibility of realizing I am a leader. Not because I wanted to always be one, because I remember when I didn't; I've come to accept it, even embracing it because I realize that my purpose is to show others the greatness they hold within. Truly understanding other people and accepting who they are is understanding and accepting the person you are first.

    How can I proclaim to be a leader and take on the roles of leadership if I am afraid to lead? Moreover; being a leader is also understanding you don't know everything, and allowing others to lead the way when it is necessary to. You cannot be intimidated by someone else's potential or be angry if those you lead do better then you do; just take that as a sign of who you are, and the kind of people you mold into being great.

   When I find myself writing I don't ever do it for the people already established or those who appear to have it all. I do it for the have nots, the underdogs. I do it for the mother who is a single parent who gives her daughter everything she never had, and wants to be the example of a woman to her daughter she never had growing up. I do it for the man who works three jobs to make sure that his children want for nothing and his wife has the world; and though he is not rich he finds happiness in his family. I do it for those homeless people we already walk pass; judging them, telling each other "they don't have to be homeless", and not even know their story. It's easy to judge the path you never walked down when you yourself have never been down that route.

  I said all that to say that a change is going to come; a shift in fortune will cause you to see that all the trials and tribulations you have suffered, will have not been in vain. You have to believe what you can't see and realize that even when all seems lost everything will work in your favor. I would be a liar if I didn't say that as I'm writing this; I wasn't compelled to give up sometimes myself when things don't seem to go the way I planned for, even when I give my very best. But a part of me realizes that all that pain and hurt is only temporary. That happiness and gain will replace all that has been seemingly lost.

   If I haven't said this already; or you are still unsure what I want you to realize, remember that you have to do what works for you. What's going to make you happy is important. I may not have all the answers to life, I may also not be able to point out the best methods to have you get through whatever hardships or circumstances you're facing either. What I can tell you though is the best lessons are learned through hardships; because they not only show you who you are, but make you realize that there still others going through much worse.

   Trust and believe in your own potential even when it appears that all hope is lost. Remember we all have a purpose in life and we are set here to not only figure it out, but share it with the world. Life will present to you your true purpose in due time, just believe in your potential unseen and remember your greatness from within in.

What if

What if our lives were a dream, and everything we thought we knew wasn't what it may seem?

What if I never knew love? Then I would have never met such a blessing like you from the Lord above.

What if I never knew pain? Then I would never appreciate my new found gain.

What if I believed when people said I would fail? Then I would have only failed myself and wouldn't prevail.

What if I was afraid to succeed? But fear is only a choice and I MUST succeed.

What if I was never born? But it's no time to feel like a victim; though I am broken I am not torn.

What if I fail? But giving up is never an option and through God I will prevail.

What if, what if, what if...is what I always ask myself;  but it's more important to appreciate what is and remember what will be, then to dwell on what was and what might be. Remember what you are and appreciate what you were because who you were made you who you are destined to be...

Thin line between wants & needs

I'm battling two sides; the part that knows what I need and the part that knows what I want. You're what I want, who I see a bright future with. The one I want to grow old with, have kids with and get married to. You're the one I want to make love to; look deep into your eyes and let myself go as we connect deeper then we ever thought possible. But are what I need though? I need to make this money, set up my future and build a legacy. I need to provide for myself and my family so we will NEVER have to want for anything. I need to build these companies; build a strong team that strives for excellence, do everything that the non-believers said couldn't be done. I need to stop being so impatient about my future and what it will bring me. I want to give up on dreams because I need to wake up; they may not even happen. But I need to keep on trying because I'm right on the cusp of a break through. I want you to be here by my side holding me down, but I need to let you go because this is journey I have to take alone. Sometimes what we want and need aren't what we think they are but it's up to you to figure that out. It's a thin line between wants and needs; at times those wants are what we need them to be, and those needs are what we want them to be, but we're unsure. It's a battle between the heart and the brain. Wondering should we use our logic or go on pure emotion. We all come at a crossroad in life where we have to decipher the importance of both our wants and needs. It's honestly about keeping a balance; but can it even be done? Sometimes we have to let go of our needs to get what we want. Sometimes the wants have to be put on hold to go after what we'll need. Either way you slice it life is just one big movie, and we have to figure out the ending before the credits roll. Have you figured it out yet.....?

My Plight with America

  I find myself waking up often.  wondering exactly what my purpose is. Am I fulfilling exactly what I am destined to do? Or am I just content with complaceny; conforming to being complacent because of my fears of my own progression? Fearful that maybe what I'm going after may not even make me great. It's often stated that we fear the unknown because we are not sure exactly what it will bring or where it will take us. I on the other hand have an inkling where my progression will take me, I just don't want to fail. I don't want all the tears, heartache, trails and tribulations to be in vein because of a "dream". So much has happened to me, I've lost so much and have grown up. I just turned twenty-five on June 24th, and I look back and ask myself what have I sincerely fulfilled?

   To be honest that definitely is a pessimistic way of thinking; but for me to sit and act like I don't have moments of doubt like I do at this point in my life would be a farce. I live life and love just like everyone else. I enjoy the fruits of my labor and want a family, to be married and be successful just like everyone else.
What makes me different from everyone else is I don't have the luxury of just giving up, for a lot of different reasons. One of those reasons being that I am a Male of African Decent (African American). To some this may mean nothing, to me this means everything. Why you ask? Well I'll explain the best way possible.

  I find myself reading all types of things, trying to inform myself with as much knowledge as possible. Like all muscles of the body you have to train your mind often; giving it as many supplements as it can handle. Pushing it to it's limits so you can have the results you deserve. I said all that to say that knowledge is power and without it you can find yourself misinformed about plenty. Now whether people want to hear it or believe it we don't live in world where African Americans are so accepted, especially the males who are black. I'm not saying this from a close minded perspective or pessimism, it's a fact. I myself have gone through MANY situations where I have been treated differently or viewed in a particular way until I have opened my mouth or expressed myself.

  I sincerely believe that people believe exactly what they hear in the news; on the television, in the papers, on the internet. Any platform where a plethora of people can read it or see it I guarantee that a negative stigma about African Americans will be displayed. Sadly in some ways African Americans are to blame because we ALLOW people to stamp us and do nothing to change that. We just accept it because we're tired of defending ourselves from people who don't care if what is being stated is false.

  Before someone tries to twist what I am saying around I am not saying every black person is doing this; it is specifically to those who are, but we ALL as people of African Decent must genuinely take a stand. The many injustices faced on a regular is mind blowing. From the police, the media, other people and in some ways how we treat one another disgusts me. I read something today called "A letter from the Ku Klux Klan" that was disheartening; but what was sad was what they were saying was accurate. Not 110% but partly and it angered me.

   This issue of "race" in our society seems to have gotten worse. It doesn't matter that our president is black or that the 27 Amendments were formed; or it doesn't matter that the Emancipation Proclamation was made, we live in a society of racism and bigotry. It's amongst each other with the bs of "light skin" Vs "dark skin"and who's better or worse. The fact that it is already predestined that as a Black male you will probably be incarcerated, be a "baby daddy" and have no education. We have been conditioned to hate and fear the police and they have been conditioned to fear and hate us.

   It seems to be fine if you execute or slaughter all in the name of "justice". But when you look deep down inside yourself; exactly what injustices are you protecting society from? Who exactly are committing things that would make you feel like you need some level of protection from? I bet some people have already gotten an idea as to who, and though you may not admit it externally, internally you have already stated it.
We live in a society where prejudice is thriving but we sit and accept it and act like it's the norm which is unfortunate.

   I am twenty-five years old and my mother is still afraid every time I leave her house. I don't want to live in a world where I have to be afraid that someone may shoot me or that I'll be imprisoned because of racial profiling. Who wants to live in a world where the ONLY reason I may be able to get a good job; even when I'm very qualified, is because the company has to seem like it's an "equal opportunity employer." Some may say "Derrick you are looking far too deep into the situation, everyone isn't a racist." That part I am well aware, but until you have walked in my shoes and the shoes of others who are black like me; then you can't tell me without exactly saying it "get over it".

   Issues of slavery, false imprisonment, racial profiling, the list can go on until my fingers go numb from writing; and these and so many others just as serious seem to get the attitude "get over it" and why? Why get over it when we can put people in prison for killing animals but have the police walk free for murdering a boy handcuffed that was complying with everything they asked him to do? Get over the fact that a man like George Zimmerman could walk free for killing Trayvon Martin, but give Marissa Alexander TWENTY YEARS for setting off warning shots IN THE AIR just to PROTECT herself from an abusive husband? These issues aren't worthy of being angered over? I have to get over it? Well it seems like I didn't get the memo when it says I lived in the "United States"; but we're all united until issues involving African Americans surface.

   I guess this is what society is getting protection from; but what it really appears to be is the world protecting itself from annihilating blacks literally and figuratively, then masking it as "protection".

   I will also state that I am highly disappointed in those individuals who find is appropriate to partake in the ignorance of the issue of racism amongst one another. That individuals deem it appropriate to make the "light skin vs dark skin" issue a battle. What you don't understand is black folks come in ALL shapes and sizes, colors and hues; we are the ONLY group of people that do, and that should be waved like a banner of honor NOT as a problem. If you truly want to be informed about where the thoughts of "superiority" amongst each other comes from Google the Willie Lynch letters. He is the man who was named after lynching and the person who indoctrinated the methods of thoughts so many people of African decent carry. As I stated earlier STAY informed. Realize why you do or say some of the things you deem "normal" and question yourself as to why.

  It is issues like the ones I have stated and so many others that make me fight for my beliefs. That make me strive for a better future where race and color are not an issue whatsoever. I just want us ALL, no matter what your background is to come together as ONE race; which is the HUMAN RACE! My grandmother use to say that there was no such thing as race amongst people, that we are all one in the same and that the only things that does separate us is our beliefs. I wish that were true and that simple. We have to inherit a mentality like we did when we were children; where we don't see color or complexion, but we see a person. A person that may not look like us or even come from where we come from, but we accept them anyway because we all represent the same thing;Humanity...

What I should have said

I admit it I fell for you; your smile, your style and everything about you.

I miss you; when it was us, and I won't forget that.

You made me realize that though I am a man with many flaws you cared for me regardless.

Time nor space can change what you and I had going.

It was real on both of our ends, it was nothing ungenuine about it.

The way you would stare deep into my eyes and smile back at me was my reassurance of your Love.

And though you will say you never loved me, your actions showed me otherwise.

It's funny how someone can come into your life and change your perspective on what love really is.

Sometimes I regret what I shared with you, but I realize I was meant to show you the me not many have the opportunity to see.

If I could go back in time to change meeting you I wouldn't; because you were and still in some aspects are an intricate part of my life.

I want to just feel your embrace one more time; hold me tight and never let go.

Why did it have to end so prematurely? Why did we have to let our pride and egos get in the way of "Our Forever".

But sometimes it isn't the right time for a love like ours to fully bloom.

I take responsibility for my actions, and I apologize for placing my insecurities on you.

At times I would ask God how he could bless me with such a great woman like you?

The thought of someone else touching you bothers me; then I realize NO ONE can make you feel the way I did.

It's beyond sex, way past love and honestly the way I feel about you may never change.

God only knows what the future may hold; but just know if we're meant to cross paths once again I won't EVER let you leave my side again my love....

Death to Righteousness

Justice; what does that truly even mean anymore? Unity; does it truly even exist?

The land of the free but where is the freedom when you're doomed anyway?

The land that isn't my land but its home nonetheless. Where you can serve time for the murder of a dog, but walk and be free to do as you please when you can slaughter a young Black male with ease and suffer nothing.

Nothing; because that's what you are anyway right? Just another nigger off the street to make others feel justified you were murdered.

It matters not that you were the child of someone, or that Christmas and holidays won't be the same because you're not there anymore.

To know that skittles and an Arizona has even more of a symbolic meaning then just a juice and some candy.

How the mother dreads her son walking the streets at night even more now then ever because someone is "protecting" the community.

And protecting this community from what exactly? From the problems that plague the community or the Black people considered a plague in the community?

I'm not worth saving because I am nothing but a disease? And my birth defect is the fact that my skin is as black as the night sky?

Where is my justice when I need saving? Are you that hateful that you still consider me 3/5th of a man though I am no longer a slave?

The chains of bondage are gone physically, but in your eyes I'm hold less value then your precious animals I can go to jail for killing if I was Michael Vick.

The annihilation of a specific ethnicity matters not when everything in your world is fine.

You sit in the judgement seat, pointing the finger and hiding behind a judicial system made specifically to hinder the elevation and prosperity of people of African Decent.

I pray that America will truly be as United as it falsely proclaims in the Star Spangled banner; but since there is separation of Church and State, I guess my prayers don't matter huh?

I have to ask myself how free I truly am if it is ok to murder an African American in cold blood and suffer no consequences.

I'm starting to feel like an endangered species; but there are even societies that save animals, but I am expendable.

How can I "Love thy neighbor" when I'm not even accepted in the community?

I am scared for the future of the young Black Males, when it seems like our destiny has been predestined for us; with either prison or death...

The Damage is done

You ever had so much time and energy invested into someone that you nearly lost sight of your own needs?

You would give your last breath for them to breathe if they needed it.

Minutes feel like seconds when you're together, and hours feel like days when you're apart.

You would nearly do anything to keep them around because they mean that much to you.

And they take and take and nearly drain the very essence of your soul.

You look past everything because of your feelings, giving them a clean slate because you feel like you can get past anything.

When it comes to you they keep score, bringing up all that you have done; reminding you of all your past transgressions.

Now why would you even love this person so deeply if there seems to be no balance?

Everything is one sided and this person clearly has more baggage then you do, but you don't care because you love them?

But this love seems one sided, where you benefit only when the person cares to do something.

How is it that we can love another so deep that it is nearly in the fiber of our very being; but forget to love ourselves?

Maybe I was a hopeless romantic, maybe I was a fool, but God knows I was good to you.

Defame my character and blurted out falsehoods about me that weren't even who I am.

Sitting and comparing me to another, when clearly I am a far better man then he could ever be.

I hope you are happy with what you've done, I remember when we use to have fun; but the anger I feel for how you made me feel may never allow me to view you the same, because the damage is done.

I'm ONLY Human

    I feel like I'm at that crossroad in my life where I'm on the cusp of being great; almost like Job when he lost everything he held close to his heart. He lost his loved ones, his riches and nearly his life...but he kept on going even when it seemed like all hope was lost. I lost my grandmother nearly a year ago this come November, I lost the woman I thought was going to be my everything one day before my birthday and lost my job. You would think that I would have gone crazy; sat and cursed God blaming him for everything, but honestly I thank him. Why you ask? I just realize that my story has to be told some type of way, and honestly life isn't always going to be full of success and happiness. Honestly failure and pain builds character, it makes you appreciate what is meant specifically for you. The day is approaching that my purpose will change this world, and these crossroads are just the stepping stones to build the foundation to a brighter tomorrow for myself.
    
   It's funny because I remember when my mother told me the doctor told her I was going to die while still in the womb. He told her to prepare for the worse, and she and my family were sad; I was suppose to die the doctor said. Twenty-five years later I'm here telling part of my story. Spilling my soul on this website, being as transparent as I can possibly be. I haven't always made the best decisions in my life, played with certain women's hearts, lied, stole and put my family through all types of pain. But as you all sit and point the finger about how much of a sinner I am, I'm over here freeing myself of all the burdens deep within you're too afraid to let go. I just want to finally be a FULL person in my life.

   I just want to stop beating myself for things that weren't my fault like my father leaving my mother, sisters, and I so many years ago. I just want to stop wondering why it's so hard being a young Black Male in America. I don't want to be a statistic, being in the judicial system; making babies with numerous women and continuing a cycle seemingly most black males fall in. Being a Black Male is something only the elite are able to deal with. God made me a Black Male because he realized that I would be able to handle all the adversities that life has to offer me. That I would stand tall after it all and show the world that despite you counting me out I'm STILL here.

   So as I sit here in my room all alone, pouring out all these emotions I have within myself; I realize I'm doing this for the next little boy who's not yet born. That boy that will grow up and change the world, giving of himself as though he is a human sacrifice. Dealing with things MOST people will never be able to handle because it's his walk to deal with alone. There are just some journeys we have to do by ourselves and life is one them. Our parents teach us to understand who we are while the world teaches us to shy away from it. We live in a world where we're made to believe our birth marks are blemishes and that if don't look or act a certain way you're abnormal.

   This world makes you believe skinny is beautiful but too skinny is anorexic. That if you're Thick you're gorgeous, but if you're too thick you're fat. This world makes you hate being black but makes it possible for you to tan yourself. Having big lips makes you have too much black features, but people put collagen in their lips to make them "fuller". So I'm going to sit and beat myself up and look for the approval of those who are more unsure of themselves then I once was? I don't think so.

  For the world to be so big people think so small. The unfortunate part is society has made it ok to point the finger towards someone else; make them feel insecure about all their flaws, so society can mask their own. We're just brainwashed and it's all by choice. The one comfortable enough to rise above conformity and complaceny is a true individual. When will we all get to that point where we stop wearing the mental chains? Freeing our minds of being ok with just being like everyone else, and go out on a whim.

   I was meant to make mistakes, and do all the wrong I've done. But like erasers on pencils I can change and right my wrongs. Life is a test and there's no tutor to help you get through it. It takes heart and all that you've experienced to make you realize that the only true test is coming to the conclusion there is no such thing as perfection. Perfect people don't exist, we're meant to falter and fail. Just remember that though I am unperfect those imperfections make it perfectly ok to be imperfect because I realize I'm only human...

LOVE WITHOUT LIMITS

    It's funny whenever you want someone who wants you just as much as you want them, but you can't even appreciate them. I guess its fear of the unknown; fear that maybe you'll be just as happy as you're suppose to be before something bad happens. That's honestly a very backwards way of thinking; and quite pessimistic too, but that's how we think. It's like the expression "this is too good to be true". Its almost saying that you are none deserving of happiness. That you don't deserve to go through the motions of happiness that will keep a smile nearly painted on your face permanently.

    I'm just going to be honest and say that I'm somewhat fearful to Love someone and to be Loved back. To have a woman love me unconditionally the way I deserve to be. To someone reading this it probably sounds crazy, nearly ungrateful. But I'll dig in a little as to why I am. People Seem to always put their best foot forward whenever they first want the person they desire. You call all the time, text, visit, remember every intricate details about them and it almost seems like perfection.

   You two seem to get closer; it nearly seems like a dream every time you're around this person, something that almost seems like it's out of one of those romantic movies women go crazy over. I remember when my sisters had me watch this all time "Chick flick" called The Notebook. For any of those women reading this know exactly what movie I'm talking about. This movie is like the Holy Grail to women all over. Women swear by this movie and nearly model their relationships after this film. After I was forced to watch this movie I realized that we all seek that forever with someone we truly care for; and potentially Love. Love itself isn't the part that winds up being bad, what it sometimes turns into is whom you chose to love.

   But how can you help who you fall for? And really is it even possible to prevent feelings from arising? My simple yet complicated answer is yes and no. I'll start with No; and the reason why you can't help your feelings at that moment is because when the person is saying and doing all that you feel is right, they can do no wrong in your eyes. You're appreciative of their presence at that moment and nearly feeling like they are your answer to all the hurt you've ever felt prior to them being in your life. It only turns to yes when they have already showed you signs that you two should not be together; but instead you mask it, because in your mind you feel like this is all you truly deserve. This is as good as it gets so you deal with it. Days turn to months, months turn to years, then this "relationship" has turned more into a routine then a commitment between two people that should be happy together.

    We ignore the signs only because we fear that that happiness we thought we could share with this person will happen when they are with someone else. We're scared that we failed; when honestly it isn't us, it's just that the two of you are at separate times in your life. The road you thought you were going down together has turned into separate paths that have more so go in opposite directions then intertwined.
So then the real question turns into "will I ever find the person I'm meant to be with?" Which already is a problem because we're not meant to find or look for love...it finds us when we are READY for it! Yea it sounds cliche, but truth be told it's the most honest statement I can come up with; and If you're truly going to be honest with yourself, you'll realize that its true.
   
    Love might just be the most sought out; intangible thing we all are in search of, and in some ways in need of besides being rich and powerful. I'll tell you something though, I definitely want to love a woman and have her love me just as much, if not more then I love her. To be able to look deep in her eyes and realize that God made her especially for me. And if I'm going to be honest with you, sometimes I feel like I have found her...Not because I was looking for her but because she was placed there in my life and we changed each other and didn't want to admit it because we were both fearful we would be hurt due to the past. Are we together? No...But if two people truly are meant to be together they'll find their way back into each others arms.

   Sometimes you don't know what to feel, where to go or even how to act when you have someone come into your life and they bring something new to the table. At this point in my life I'm realizing my purpose is to inspire others. I recently turned 25 years old on June 24, 2013. I literally made this blog (that will be one of the most popular websites of all time) a year ago on June 25th. You would have NEVER been able to tell me I would still be writing on here and sharing my life. Allowing myself to be an open book for all the world to see. Going through the motions of life and not caring whether I'm being judged or not. I said all that to say we can never truly love someone else if we don't wholeheartedly love ourselves first.

    It took me writing on here for a year to realize in some ways I only loved the idea of love, and in some ways was lustful after it. It wasn't until recently after speaking to a woman who I truly did care for and she and I stopped speaking did I realize what Love has the potential to become...when it's READY. The sad facts is sometimes we do find and come across "the one", but if at that moment it isn't time it won't work the way it's meant to. Never allow yourself to be bitter when it comes to Love because it's truly beautiful. Sometimes you just have to wait it out, but you won't have to wait forever.

   Love that woman/man in the mirror, be good to them and give your very all to that person; because once you do come across the one who was made especially for you, you'll be able to love without limits...

The Stranger that Lies In The Mirror

     It's interesting how a person can make you look at life in a whole new perspective. Like everything you ever thought of wasn't right in the first place. The fact that someone has so much power with your thoughts and emotions already says exactly how "Fond" of that person you are. How every waking moment you want to be around that person. Each thought that crosses your mind has them there; and you know what? You're more then fine with that. More and more you two spend time with each other; pouring out all those secrets, that only you and God know about. Not even caring that you're falling because you have a blanket of support, which is that bond you two share. This unique bond that in your mind will last forever. Not even caring how others view you or what others want from you because you've gotten accustomed to this person. You know each and every one of their needs, wants, and desires, and you're more then willing to fulfil them. Doing all these different things for this person that's way out of your element. And why? Because they bring things out of you that you didn't even knew dwell within you.

  Hours on the phone until the sun comes up; you two just enjoying one anothers presence. Things become intimate and now deeper feelings begin to grow. This scares you because you have NEVER felt these feelings before. Then again you have never allowed yourself to until now because they made you comfortable enough to be "the real you". The you that less then a selected few have had the opportunity to see. The you that you refused to show others because you feel they are none deserving of that. How is it that this person was able to get through to the thing you hold closest to you...your heart! Then you realize you have not one specific answer to give yourself because this you that you see you don't know. Basically it's like you are looking in the mirror at a stranger.

   You are confused now because you're doing everything you said you wouldn't do. You're saying all the things you thought sounded foolish coming from other people's mouth. Deeper and deeper your feelings grow, nearly becoming like a bottomless pit. Then something happens; something unexpected...Now those thoughts of forever turn to "I can't wait until you leave". This person sickens you now and they make you angry. The very thought of them churns your stomach, but you still care for them. The walls you broke to let them in have now been replaced with a barbed-wire fence. You use to talk everyday and now you are comfortable enough hearing from them once in awhile. Now when you speak you throw up what you've done and how much you've given. That same effort you use to give is no more because you already have them.

   Those very same qualities you use to appreciate about them now annoy you. You feel smothered and argue about how you need your space and time for yourself. It gets to a point where all you two do is argue; and now you both need space. During the space you give yourself time to re-evaluate if this is what you ever really wanted in the first place. You  begin to second guess whether or not all those feelings you felt originally were even genuine; if maybe you were just caught up in a nostalgic moment. Was it that dopamine had you hooked to that person? Was it even real? These are the questions you begin to ask yourself. You both come to the conclusion it's best you part your separate ways; and just like that it's over...

   Do mirrors lie or do we lie to ourselves to appease the fact that we don't want to come to grips with the truth? Sometimes the lie feels better then the truth because at that moment you aren't hurting. You have already made yourself believe this lie you are telling because it's much easier to cope with. I said all that to say that we don't want to believe that at some time in life that person we believe we can't live without may be the person later on we can't stand to be around. I am not saying that this will always happen, but realize that sometimes your "forever" with that one you hold in such high esteem may be short lived. I feel like it is OUR job as two people in a committed relationship; (non-traditional or traditional) to continue to build. Everything is NOT suppose to lessen once you find yourselves in something committed. That honeymoon stage should always stay in full affect, and it should be that same care and emotions you had when you two first met.

    Realistically in some aspects things may not be the same, but it's the job of BOTH people to make it work. Just like Rome wasn't built in a day; an unbreakable relationship takes time. Be understanding that NO ONE is perfect and we all have room to grow and change. Be sure that you two are on the same page and want the same things. Two people can never truly stay together if there isn't a mutal understanding from both individuals. Love, like and be with whomever you want to; do whatever is going to make you truly happy. Sometimes we forget that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but in fact two people perfect for one another within that foundation you call a relationship.Remember this; at times a relationship can be like a storm, sometimes there may be gray skys and heavy rain, but all storms pass to allow the sun to shine again. Always remember that it takes TWO to make something work...

Our Imperfect Perfection

Can we just be together forever; grow old and potentially fall in Love? Just let the past be the past and let the bright future we have weed out anything dark. My fear isn't that I'll lose you, but fall so deep for you that not one expression will be able to define my feelings for you. Whenever I look at you I get lost in your eyes. You look back at me and I realize at that moment nothing else matters because I'm with you...Everything I say at this moment is only a reflection of all that I feel for you. I'll let my words be the mirror; showing you those emotions unseen by the naked eye. I promise that I can be the man you trust if you allow me to be. I know I'm not perfect and I honestly don't want to be; but I know we are perfect together. Your smile warms me even when this world gives me the cold shoulder. You listen attentively to what I tell you, lending an ear when I feel like no one else cares. But you; I know you care. I feel like I've known you all my life, like we were two distant lovers in another lifetime. And whether or not you say you Love me, at some point and time I know there is something there. I take you for who you are and not for who you were. Started off as friends yet close to lovers; emotions got involved and our true feelings arose. And I don't want to lose what we have, so before we say or do something we regret let's rewind what happened and move past it. So let's focus on what's going to make what we have last beyond forever. Grow old and have kids and still feel the spark that we had when we crossed paths years earlier. The Good, the bad and ugly; I accept you for who you are and want to potentially Love you for it. If I had to go through all that I have all over again I would; just knowing I'll have the opportunity to have a woman as beautiful, caring and sincere as you are in my life again.

Fearing Paradise

   What is Paradise? Is it just that place away from home where we seek happiness? The place where we can run away from everything and everyone? Or is it just a figment of our imagination; deep down in our psyche where we believe we're suppose to be? Wherever that place you call paradise lies; go to it. Run to it, and believe in it even if everyone else around you believes it's just an imagination. Because honestly we all at some point seem to be afraid of that place where comfort lies. But can you get through the darkness that seems ever present, even when you believe it's light at the end of that tunnel?

    It's hard to believe in something that you can't even see with your eyes, even if you had 20/20 vision. We seem to fear the unknown because it's something foreign to us. Its not the norm because it is something we have never actually done before. It's almost like going on an adventure and not knowing where you'll end up because of what you're use to happening. Honestly I fear the way people view me. Sometimes I feel like I'm so different that those around me will never really understand me. At times I feel like I'm an alien and the world I live in is not even where I'm suppose to be.

    People are just so judgmental and won't know anything about you, but will sit and criticize you without even knowing what you walk is. How much you had to sacrifice in your life to get exactly where you want to be. The nights of being alone, not having anyone to just hold you close and tell you everything will be alright. Not having a father to teach you how to be a man because he didn't know his father. Having sisters that you want to give the world to but realizing that you are their brother and NOT their father. That's only partly MY WALK.

   BUT instead you know what people see when they they look at me? A person who thinks he's better then everyone else because he doesn't care to be accepted by people who seem more broken then he is; but they're too afraid of their own greatness. They see a person who is complex; when in fact I'm just someone trying to guard my heart. Wanting to Love a woman, but being afraid because she may hurt me because of her own broken dreams never fulfilled. Being in the corner of other people and making them better but when I'm in need of that same kind of lift up I'm alone...Almost like a lone wolf with no support behind me. Wanting to be able to have a woman that just understands what I feel even if I don't utter a word. Just embracing me close to her heart because she knows that though I may be broken I am far from weak.

    So where is my paradise? I guess I know what it is; as a matter of fact I do know. My paradise lies in breaking away from what the "norm" is. Being able to help someone else understand what their purpose is through my own struggles. We don't just live life for ourselves; though we want to act like we do. You ever did something and felt like there was way more to what you were suppose to fulfil? Like you were on the brink of something but couldn't muster up the courage to do it? Honestly that's exactly where I am in my life. I'm only 24 years old but I feel like I am here to fulfil extraordinary things in my life. And not just for myself and family but for those who believe what I do, but are too afraid to just fly...

   I look at an Eagle; how it flys so gracefully through the sky like a shooting star. I'm sure at some time in its life it was fearful of flying, but it did anyway. Not because it couldn't, but because it didn't know where it should start. But that Eagle just spread its wings and soared the sky. And that Eagle may have not known where it was going to wind up but he kept on going, until he traveled the world. He saw things that he would have never been able to see if he didn't just spread his wings and soar through the sky. And you know what? We're just like that eagle honestly. You can't allow yourself to not go where you want to because you're not sure where you'll end up.

    I told someone I care about recently that you can't want what's best for everyone else; and want those around you to be happy and fulfilled if you yourself aren't doing the same. Then I had to look at myself; and say how could I even say this to her if I myself aren't dong it? We all at some time seem to fear paradise; but why? Why fear something that has the capability to change your life for the better? To paint a permanent smile on your face because you're at ease knowing that you made the best decision possible. It's not much of a life you're living just staying complacent because its safe to stay where you are. Sometimes we're not always given another opportunity to soar as high as we're suppose to.

   To be honest with you I didn't realize certain things about myself until I had someone say to me " Derrick I wish that you could show others what I see". That triggered something within me because even now as I write all I am I'm pouring out some dark corners in my life I didn't want others to see; or even read. But since I'll be judged regardless I'd rather just be myself. Be as plain and naked because it's who I am. And I may not be wealthy; or have everything I desire right now, but I will. I believe this wholeheartedly; and you know what? It WILL happen.

  Life is like a Ferris wheel; and around and around we go; but that's not how it has to be though. Do what makes you happy and not just what you feel is right to do. So where does your paradise lie? Wherever it is go to it and try your best to do everything that will make you happy. There will definitely be ups and downs, hurt and pain. But you truly begin to appreciate something when you knew what you had to do to receive it. Hold on to your dreams; and give them wings to soar higher then an Eagle. When you fathom that concept you'll truly understand that there is no real reason that you're Fearing Paradise....

What Now?

    It's interesting how we all seem to believe we know what our purpose truly is. What it is that we want to accomplish; and what it is we're destined for. Who we truly are and whom we are; and how we can bring forth all of that from within. Sounds easy right? Just that simple, knowing what we want to do with our lives and just doing it. But life was NEVER just that simple; it's not really just as simple as Black and White or having gray areas inbetween. You've got certain crosswords to get through; challenging situations that must be faced in order to truly appreciate what you're meant to do.

    I remember when I sat here and had my life planned out; ever since I was little I had an idea of what it was I wanted to do. I've seen myself as a businessman, a Mogul; an individual with immense influence and wealth. Being an international, Global phenomenon with the type of resources to help my family and I forever. Then as I got older I began to realize that it was more to life then just that alone. Yes, I still want to be all of that; but I want even more, and I don't mean just for myself and family but for as many individuals as possible.

    I've come to realize that in order to truly prosper the way you deserve is to give. And I don't mean just resources; what I'm talking about is a little more complex then that. It's the giving of yourself...When you give freely and wholeheartedly of yourself for the right reasons I believe you become blessed. Blessed in the sense of the spiritual aspect as well as karma. Whatever it is that you place into the atmosphere; good or bad always bounces back to you. At least that's what I believe.

   I remember when I had no job; I was a man who was about 23 years old; going on to be 24 with an open mind and no money. I felt like nothing, like I was a failure and I had nothing to offer. I had a friend of mine who worked at Apple who even put the word in for me to work there. Being optimistic I dressed my best and went there. I got through the first interview and the Human Resources Manager was impressed with me. Let's just say I was guaranteed to have a second interview. About a week later I was called into the Apple Store on 5th Avenue; EVERYONE was not only mean to me but standoffish. From what I remember the only one who was nice was a security guard; he said he felt I would get it. So I stayed optimistic.

     I met with one of the managers of the store that was going to interview me. I felt like I said everything right; and she asked me where did I see myself in the next 3-5 years? My answer was owning my own businesses. Now I don't know if that was the right answer but it was the truth. Needless to say about 3 days later I got one of those "thanks but no thanks emails". Not only was I crushed but it caused me to feel even more worthless and an even bigger failure. I even went for my Security guard certifications and got them, but I didn't want a security job honestly. The last resort was me sending an email to an old company I worked for back in 2009 called Ricky's NYC. A New York City based company that started in 1989 by a man named Ricky Keing.

   Fast forwarding a week; I met with a Human Resources Manager there, and again was myself. And I got the job and was called in to be placed in a store and worked that summer in July 2012. I started as a Sales Associate, learning everything and giving my very all whenever I was there. I even stayed later if I needed to. Literally in September 2012 I was asked to be an Assistant Manager and was promoted. It is now April 2013 and now I'm going for a Store Manager position within this company.

    I explained all of that to say that whatever is meant for you will happen. I STILL will be a businessman and Mogul VERY soon; and I plan on talking about that too when that time comes. I've always felt you MUST "Aspire to Inspire". I've met so many individuals within this company that will be life long friends; and even business partners when I go off and build companies myself. My Aunt Stephanie always says "Small Small", which means little by little things will form into what they're suppose to. Rome wasn't built in a day and Legacies don't have to be either.

  So the question of the hour is "What now"? We believe we have to have it all figured out at this moment to feel like we've accomplished something. The best way to explain life is like a Gigantic tree. It literally takes a tree at least 100 years to stand tall and strong. And even if we don't have the opportunity to see what it forms into it will be something great. We ALL are just as great as that tree is. We may not have 100 years to form into something, but the time we do have is just as good. Give without seeking validation from anyone, and strive to the highest pinnacle even when others say it's impossible to be reached. The only true limitation we have is ourselves. WE control where we should be and how far we should go.

    Still want to know what now? Just know this much; believe what can't be seen, so when it becomes tangible you'll then realize that all it truly took to become a reality was believing. There is no such thing as something that can't be done; just as long as you keep on going until you can't anymore. Remember "A man isn't judged or congratulated on the success or merits of others; but for his own actions and merits he chooses to commit for himself". We all have a purpose; we just have to give them feet to travel....

You're Someone Else's

How can I care for you when you're someone else's, we laugh and talk about the day we can be together; but you're someone else's. Your smile as bright as the sun shining on a day brand new, and your laugh that lights up a dim lit room, but you're someone else's. You're someone else's and I'm fine with that, no pressure or feelings there because you're someone else's; but I know deep down this is wrong, is it bad I don't care? And all I can think about is the next moment you and I can be together as we gaze in each others eyes like two kids in love; but the fact still remains that you're someone else's. A secret that you and I share; no one else even knows but God himself, but you don't care and I don't care that you're someone else's...But the truth is we should, even though I'm enjoying myself and enjoying you too. Knowing I can make you say and do things that he can't. Bring you to plateaus you thought weren't even possible to reach. The fact I can make you moan and scream is like music to my ears; but...it's...still...wrong. This is like a game and I'm winning; but truthfullly I should be ashamed, because you're someone else's....

The Beauty Of Your Soul

I yearn for your touch, to be close to you; I find myself lost while I'm in your presence. You make me feel alive, and when I'm sleep I dream of the moment to be around you again. If this is how nostalgia feels; this is one high moment I refuse to not remember. Your beauty is as radiant as the night sky is when the stars dance across the milky way. Your lips are as soft as petals of a red rose. And when you smile it is as though God is reassuring me that you are a blessing from the Heavens above. Each curve on your body seems like you were crafted just for me; to hold you close to my heart forever. And I would never want to see you cry; but only if those tears were filled with joy. The rhythm of your heartbeat as I lay on your chest sounds like a symphony to your soul. Two becoming one like lovers on the night they were married. I could not live without your love; you are my drug, and I don't ever want to be without it. I want to be alone with you forever, together; knowing that this love is as pure as a mother who loves her child.  I don't know what tomorrow may bring; but today I know what love really feels like. And the beauty of your soul enticed the very man who thought he could love no more...Me.

Why I Love You

It's interesting how the night sky is the only thing that sets us seemingly worlds apart. The Love I have for you is like a permanent fragrance smeared across the very essence of my soul. Kind of like a tattoo meticulously placed on the body of an individual who was branded to appease those he calls friends. But you and I are more familiar then that; see I know you like a husband knows the birth mark of his wife, that can't be seen by the naked eye unless she is naked. And that's how I feel each time I allow myself to be vulnerable with you...naked. Almost like the first time you lose your virginity to the one you love more then life itself but they; they just love you for that moment. Two became one, well at least on my end it was. But you, you weren't looking for love at all. You were looking for a convenience and I was convenient for the moment. I loved; or at least I thought I did, but I do. And I'm that undecided because you. I wish you weren't so difficult; that you were as consistent as the next day. At least then I would know what to expect. I don't believe my love would ever die like the eternal flame of passion I set aside specifically for you in my heart. If home is where the heart is then I'm comfortable knowing I live with this love forever. And even then forever isn't enough to express why I love you...